I sit with Ben in his room for about an hour, half hesitantly talking to him, half helping him with the flight-sims that he could nearly play with his eyes closed, anyway. He's much more than "pretty good for his age." He's amazing. If there's one thing, anything, that I can say of my family in admiration, it's that we make some amazing pilots.

"I want to be in Rogue Squadron when I grow up–like you were," he says from his seat on the floor, smiling up at me as I look over the beautiful model starships he's made, displayed on his dresser.

I smile back, bemused. To think that anyone would want to be anything like me. But he's too young to see what I really am–he sees me though eyes clouded by love and half-remembered heroics I'd preformed when he was little. "You could be," I say proudly, and it's true. I wouldn't be surprised if Wedge'd take him now, eleven or no. "But make sure it's what you want before you join. War's terrible–it does things to you...."

"Is that why you left?" he asks curiously, no trace of reproach in his voice. "So that you didn't have to fight with the Alliance anymore?"

I blink. It had never occurred to me that someone might think that the reason. The mind of a child.... "No. Well, I don't think I would have fought after the Revolution was over, even if I had stayed, but...that isn't why I left." I don't want to talk about it, but I feel guilty for not having a better answer.

Ben cringes as the hologram before him pauses and reddens, three-dimensional letters flashing "mission failed." "I died," he informs me, annoyed. "Can you help me get past the asteroid field part?"

I nod. He offers me the controls, and I take them, sitting beside him on the floor. The game begins again. This is an old one, one I'd played as a kid, and all of the moves are still in my muscle memory. I could play this in my sleep.

"Why did you leave, Dad?" he asks, as I knew he would sooner or later. The boy's too smart to let me just brush it off.

I sigh. Telling him the truth is, of course, out of the question, but what lie will be truthful enough to not sound like a lie to eleven-year-old ears? "It's kind of complicated," is my stalling answer, but I know he won't by that either.

"I'll understand," he assures me.

No, you won't. "I'm sure you would, but I'm not sure how to explain it to you. Things between your mother and me."

"Did you fall out of love?" he asks. Perhaps he has school friends with separated parents, whose children swallow blindly that reason for their divorce.

"Not really," I answer. "It just wasn't working, I guess. She was in love with Han, and she and I weren't getting along, and...it was better this way." Come to think of it, falling out of love does sound more convincing.

"You still love her then?" How can he ask that as if the answer doesn't matter to him?

I blink again, startled. "I don't know," is the only answer I can manage.

"But you loved her when you had me, right?"

I smile. "Ben! Of course."

He doesn't say anything as he watches me maneuver the sim around asteroids. Then, "Was I an accident?"

I sigh in exasperation. Did I have to address everything today? "Ben," I say as a parent will when their child is bothering them. I still remember that part of being a dad.

"Okay, okay," he says, sitting back some.

But I have some questions, too. During the last few minutes of the "asteroids part," I ask, "What do you think of Han?"

Ben shrugs. "He's nice."

That's all?

He smiles up at me again. "But he's not you."

The part of my soul that warmed when Leia held my hand flutters briefly, and I smile back. "Does he take care of you?"

"I mostly take care of myself now," he informs me ostentatiously.

"I know," I say, stifling a smile. "But you know what I mean. Is he...."

"A good Dad?"

"I guess that's what I mean."

Ben shrugs again. "Yeah. I mean, he is."

"You like him?"

He nods.

I think about Han and Leia's interaction in the other room. "Is he good to Mom? Do they get along?"

"They fight a lot," he says offhandedly.

"They always have."

"It's more lately. They always seem mad at each other. Han sleeps in the guestroom a lot."

"But they're going to have a baby–"

"Yeah. I dunno."

"Are you glad you're going to have another little brother or sister?"

He nods as if he doesn't mind the idea. "It's a sister."

I smile slightly, thinking that Leia will like to have a daughter. "I'm past the asteroids. You want to do it again?"

He nods again and accepts the controller from me.

I glance at Ben's little alarmchrono by his bed. Oh, Sith.

"I have to go, Ben," I say, and it breaks my heart, but only after I say it, as if by putting it out there it makes it true.

He sighs sadly, pausing the simulation. "Okay," he says begrudgingly, standing. "I'll walk you out."

I rise and he takes my hand. I can't help but smile at him. Everything he does is so sweet.

Leia is sitting on the couch in the greatroom reading over some paperwork, eating a piece of fruit. She looks up as I enter. "Are you leaving?" she asks. I know she'd want me to stay and see Anikin but I haven't agreed to that, and she understands that I have to take small steps.

"Yeah, I should. I...you know...."

She nods, pushing the paperwork off her lap and onto the couch. She rises. "Did you have fun, Ben?"

"Yeah. Dad helped me get past the asteroids." He runs off for some reason, into the front hall.

She smiles. "He's been trying to get past that for at least a week. Han couldn't do it. Well, he didn't try very long, but...." she trails off as if disappointed.

I shrug. "It was easy. He'll get it. He's really good." I don't meet her eyes.

"Thank you," she says softly, leaning closer to me. "I think he needed to see you. He talks about you all the time."

I sigh, not knowing what to say or feel. I'm flattered and swelling with pride, but I can't help but think that his admiration is misplaced. But I wouldn't let him down. He needs his dreams. "It was fun. He's...quite a kid." I do look into her eyes, now, letting her know I mean through her own doing.

Her smile broadens, but I see something sad behind it. "Thank you again, for coming. I know it was hard for you. It wasn't easy for me, either."

I look into her eyes suddenly. I didn't know. "Wasn't so bad."

She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "Keep in touch with him. And so I know you're all right."

I nod, drawing my hand away uncomfortably.

"Dad! Come see Anikin!"

Fuck. Oh, fuck.

Ben had called from the front hall, and in my absorption in Leia, I hadn't heard the door open. The boy probably doesn't understand that seeing a son I've never met would make me nervous, frightened. He wants to show Anikin to me as he showed me pictures he'd drawn as a toddler. I look at Leia in alarm. She looks startled as well, but shakes her head, as if to say, "I don't know."

"I don't want to...I can't..." I breathe in a panic.

Leia takes me by the arm. "You can and you have to. Aren't you curious? He's your own flesh and blood, Luke."

I swallow. "That's what I'm scared of."

"You can do it. He exists whether you want him to or not. And it's time you met him. Besides, he's not scary. I promise. He's beautiful."

Because I see no other way out of it, I trust her. I can't very well go out a window and there's no other door. Besides, knowing he's right there, after all this time–I am curious.

Ben runs into the greatroom excitedly, his huge missing-tooth smile radiant. In hand he has a blond boy, tiny for seven, staring with scared blue eyes up at his...his parents, I realize. This is not only the first time he's seen his father, it's also the first time he's seen the two of us standing together, as if we were still a unit.

"Anikin, this is our dad," says Ben, as if showing another picture he's drawn.

I swallow hard. The boy looks at least as frightened as I am, and I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. He does look just like me...cuter, maybe. He looks something like his mother, but seems only to have her general attractiveness without any of her features. I feel a little like I did when I saw Leia's pregnant form the day I said goodbye to her, appalled at what I'd created. But at the same time, I don't think I have ever seen anything so beautiful in my life–more than Ben, more even than Leia. He's mine. He's my son. He's mine and Leia's son.

"Say hello, Anikin," Leia requests, and her voice trembles as if she's holding back tears.

"Hello," the boy says shyly in a sweet little voice, hiding partially behind Ben.

"Hello," I return.

Han walks in from the front hall, obviously surprised to see me still here. "Want a ride home?" he asks.

I look up. It takes longer to process what he said than it should. "Oh...no, that's okay. It's not that far."

He nods. He and Leia don't say anything to one another, again.

I kneel before Anikin to get a better look at him. He shrinks away, but not far. "I have to go," I explain. "But I'll come see you again, if you want."

"Maybe," he says quietly.

That's good enough for me.

I put on my leather jacket, and I don't know if I want to run home and hide in my room and get really high and calm down from today's events or stay here with my boys for just a little while longer.

I don't know if I'll want to come back, but I do know that I don't regret today.

Leia smiles at me in thanks again as I duck out the door. It stabs me again. For now, I let it.