Disclaimer: They're not mine. I'm just borrowing them from Amy.
Author's Note: This story was written for gahwarrier/falling fables for the 2005 L/L Ficathon, which was hosted by CIAChick. A million thanks to my betas, JeSouhaite and CineFille, for their amazing feedback and for talking me out of my insecurity tree.
As Miss Patty, Babette and Sookie dragged her to the middle of the crowded room to dance, Lorelai couldn't remember ever feeling this content on New Years Eve. There always seemed to be something to regret - a failed relationship, her parents' continued disappointment, or something stupid she'd done. But this year, despite a few events she'd rather forget, had been one of the better ones. She couldn't remember ever feeling this impervious to life's stresses. It was like she was wearing protective armor. Armor made of flannel.
At that thought she looked over at Luke and saw him watching her intently with a small smile on his face. She took a moment to look back at him, to marvel once again at how she had managed to know him for so long and yet not see the possibility that had been there, smoldering under the surface. Well, to be honest, it wasn't that she hadn't seen it, but there was always something getting in the way of fully admitting it.
Though her mind had wandered, her eyes were still on Luke and he raised an eyebrow at her from across the room. Lorelai excused herself from the dancing and made her way across Babette's living room. When she reached him, she took his hands and twined her fingers through his. "Hey," she said softly, "what's up?"
"You were looking at me."
"Yeah. You look good tonight." He did. He had exchanged his regular jeans for a darker pair and he wore a deep red cotton shirt in place of his flannel. He had even left his hat behind. "I thought you weren't going to dress up."
He shrugged. "I didn't." He didn't go on and Lorelai didn't push it. She knew that he had given in to the New Year's Party for her and that this was just another gesture that he would rather leave unmentioned. She squeezed his hands and leaned in to whisper, "Well, I love it," before pulling back and flashing him a smile.
Luke's expression said that he was glad he had made the effort, though he would never say the words. He leaned down and breathed into her ear, "You look incredible tonight." It was the low sexy voice he saved for those moments when they were alone, and it sent tingles down her spine.
"Thanks for noticing," she grinned, leaning her body into his and giving him a lingering kiss.
"How could I not?" he mumbled into her lips before asking, "Do we really have to stay all night?"
"I was looking forward to kissing you at midnight."
Luke's fingers slid down the side of her dress, "I'm happy to kiss you at midnight, and eleven o'clock, and…" he trailed off and pulled away, looking around the room, as if suddenly realizing there were other people around. "Can we go now?"
She chuckled at his shyness and pleaded, "It's just been a long time since I've had someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve."
Luke looked at her evenly, "You were dating…Jason last year. You probably went to some big fancy New Year's party."
Lorelai looked away and spoke, "Yeah, we went to a party. There were all sorts of people Jason needed to impress, connections to be made. I got bored and went home around ten."
"Oh."
"Yeah. What about you? You were…" she hesitated, not wanting to say the word 'married.' She didn't even like to think the word 'married' about Luke and …anyone else. "with…" She couldn't bring herself to say the name.
"Nicole." She couldn't help but cringe slightly when hearing the name and he picked up on it, sighing softly before responding. "I didn't go. There was a party, with lots of people. I just couldn't get excited about seeing a lot of people I didn't know, about having to pretend to have fun."
"Oh. Like you're pretending to have fun now?" She hadn't meant to sound so hurt, but he responded quickly, almost apologetically.
"No, it's not the same at all. Look, I'll stay as long as you want, but if what you want is someone to kiss you at midnight, that can certainly be accomplished just as well, and more privately, at your house." His voice was soft and concerned, though it dropped into that sexy tone as he tried to convince her to leave.
She looked up and saw that he was sincere, he would stay if she wanted. He hadn't been willing to go to a party when he was married to Nicole, but he would stay here with her. It suddenly made her want to tell him that it wasn't that she wanted someone to kiss at midnight, she wanted to be kissing him at midnight. She wanted him to understand why that was important, but the best that she could do at that moment was give him what he wanted. "Sure, we can go," she said, smiling at his look of relief. "On one condition."
"What?"
"I want to watch Dick Clark. Well not actually Dick Clark, because he had a stroke and Regis is filling in, but I still want to watch it."
"Fine," he grumbled behind a small smile.
They gathered their things and said goodbyes quickly, ignoring Miss Patty's wink and comment about their early departure.
Minutes later, as Luke took her coat to hang it up, Lorelai searched her living room for the TV remote. Luke raised his eyebrows with disbelief.
"You're not seriously standing there in that dress and telling me that you want to watch TV."
"But that was the deal," she pouted over her shoulder before putting on a seductive smile, "So, you like this dress?
Luke came up behind her and his voice was low in her ear as he ran his fingers down the soft fabric and toyed with the hem." You know I like that dress. But what I like most about that dress is that it makes me think of you without the dress,"
"Is that why you wanted to leave the party early?" Lorelai asked as she turned and put her arms around his neck.
"I'd just rather celebrate with just the two of us. Do you know how hard it's been watching you all night?"
"Dirty!" she laughed as he rolled his eyes. Her voice softened, "Well, I appreciate you putting up with it for me."
"You're persuasive, especially in that dress. Now can I take it off?"
Later, they lay in Lorelai's bed, her head on Luke's chest and his fingers tangled in her hair. He kissed the top of her head and said, "Now isn't this a better way to bring in the New Year?"
"Yeah, this is really nice." She lay quietly, enjoying the feeling of contentment. It really had been a great New Year's Eve. There was just one part of the tradition missing. "Hey Luke, can we watch Dick Clark now?"
He chuckled, "I should've known I wasn't going to get out of that."
She moved to turn on the TV and before lying down again ran her hand though his hair and planted a soft kiss on his lips. "You didn't wear your hat tonight."
"I usually don't wear it when we go out. Why?"
"Oh nothing. It's no big deal." She couldn't explain why it mattered, but somehow the hat symbolized something to her. "Do you remember when I gave it to you?"
"Of course I do. It was after your Dad was in the hospital."
"And you've worn in ever since," she said thoughtfully.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"What do you mean?" He looked at her curiously.
"Why did you start wearing that hat all the time?"
He shrugged, "The other one was getting old."
"Really? That's the reason?"
"Yeah. Why did you think I wore it?"
"Oh, I don't know," she answered, trying to sound casual, knowing that she felt anything but. She was treading in unknown waters, but something wouldn't let the idea lie. She tried to bring her mind back to the television, back to Times Square, but the effort was fruitless. "Luke?"
"What?" he asked softly.
"Did you have feelings for me back then?" She wasn't looking at him. Her head was resting on his chest, her eyes on the television.
She heard him take in a breath, and hesitate before asking, "Back when?"
"You know…when I gave you the hat. Or…after that." She kept her eyes averted. They'd never talked about this, but for some reason it seemed important now.
He didn't answer right away and she started to regret asking when she heard him say, "Well…yeah."
It wasn't until she heard those words that she turned to look him in the eye. "Yeah?"
He just nodded.
"So why didn't you say anything…do anything?"
He shrugged again, a somewhat pained expression on his face, "I don't know. I guess I was worried about things changing." He hesitated, as if measuring his words, then took in a breath before saying, "There was this time that I almost kissed you, when we were picking out paint samples in the diner, but then Taylor knocked on the door." He glanced at her and she nodded, to show she remembered and he ducked his head again. "It's just as well. You would have freaked out…" He shrugged and gave her a small smile.
"What? I wouldn't have," she protested lightly.
"Oh yes you would. You would've run away and not talked to me for weeks." His words were teasing, but the look in his eye told her that was exactly what he thought would have happened.
"No, I might have even kissed you back. I mean you're one to talk. You chickened out of asking me out."
"What?"
"You were going to ask me out that night when Sookie and Jackson went out and we played poker. Mrs. Kim interrupted you, but later, I gave you a chance to try again and you chickened out." She retorted, the teasing banter having escalated to a challenge.
"I didn't- wait, you gave me a chance?"
She nodded knowingly.
"That means…you wanted?"
She nodded again, slowly and tentatively.
"And if I had asked?"
"I would have said yes."
"Hmmm…"
"But you didn't kiss me, didn't ask me out, and then Rachel came back," Lorelai said, a little sadly.
"Christopher came back first." His voice was tight and though it had been almost four years since it happened, Lorelai could remember that morning on the diner steps with perfect clarity. She had always considered having sex on the balcony with Christopher one of her biggest mistakes, but her biggest regret about the whole event was disappointing Luke.
She remembered with pain that short conversation outside his diner. She'd never really forgotten how hurt he looked, how quickly he denied that their painting night was a date. It would have been so easy to make him feel sorry for her, to tell him just enough about the evening for him to forgive her thoughtlessness for standing him up. But something in her would not let her gloss over it like that. It would have been easier not to see the hurt in his eyes when her apology confirmed his question, but it wouldn't have been the whole truth. Either way, a door had shut then, and it wasn't until he had turned to walk past her into the diner that Lorelai felt the full force of that loss.
They had recovered from it. She painted his diner as penance, and both of them set aside what might have been. Now, she was reliving it all over again.
"Luke, did you think it was a date?"
"What?"
"The painting."
He thought for a moment before answering, "I don't know…maybe…not a date, but something. Was it?"
"It was…something. When I saw you the next morning, I felt like I'd stood you up for a date, even though you denied it."
"I was surprised you called it a date, but then…" he trailed off, as if not knowing the best way to finish the sentence.
"I ruined it. We were almost there years ago, and I stood you up and ruined it." She was sad and angry with newly remembered regret.
"Hey…It's not like that was the only opportunity. It just never seemed like the right time. You were always with someone else…"
"I was always with someone? You…got married." Lorelai sputtered.
He looked abashed, but responded softly "It's not like you gave me any reason not to."
"Does that mean…You had feelings for me. You said you had feelings for me. Did they…did they go away?"
"No." His voice was still soft, but firm.
"Then why did you get married?"
"I didn't want to be alone," he said quietly, his expression sad.
Lorelai wanted so desperately to be angry with him - for never saying anything, for giving up on her without even trying - but his face was so filled with regret that it softened her response. She reached for his hand and twined her fingers through his, "You aren't anymore." She then added, wistfully, "It makes me sad, though."
"What?"
"The missed opportunities. All that time we could have had."
"We're here now. Isn't that what matters?" He smiled softly as the sadness in his eyes slipped away.
"Yeah, I guess so." Lorelai settled herself more snugly against Luke, her head on his chest. She could feel his chest rising and falling with each breath and the steady thump of his heartbeat. There was that contented feeling again, though also a hint of something else she couldn't put her finger on – not quite regret, not quite sadness, but something.
Luke squeezed her arm gently. "Hey look, there are only a few minutes until the ball drops."
"Yeah, you know this isn't quite the same without Dick Clark. Having someone fill in for him makes you realize that they really don't take him out of the cryo-freeze each year."
Luke chuckled at her joke, but she continued, "It's sad to realize that he's mortal. Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve has been going on forever. It's kind of makes you think that 1000 years from now his head really will still be doing New Year's Eve in Times Square. And then this happens – Regis filling in."
"His head?"
"Oh, yeah, Futurama."
"That clears everything up," he said sarcastically.
"See, there was this show-"
She stopped short as Luke cut her off with a kiss. "It doesn't matter. I get your point."
"Hey, no kissing yet. It's not midnight. So, what's my point?"
"It's not the same without Dick Clark."
"Yeah, it kind of reminds you that time is passing, things change. If you don't watch out you'll be left behind." That nagging feeling she couldn't pinpoint was back, like she was missing some important point. Maybe that's what it was about, missing opportunities, or rather, not missing them. Lorelai had never been big on New Years resolutions. They usually ended with an unused gym card, or a shoe binge after trying to restrain herself. But she felt like she needed to promise not to let any more opportunities pass her by. Vague, yes, but maybe that was the trick to a successful New Year's resolution – make it vague enough that almost anything would be a success.
She brought her attention back to the TV and in spite of her contemplative mood, couldn't help but be excited by the countdown and the ball beginning to drop. "Look, it's dropping. Luke, look!"
"I'm right here. I can see it. You know, they do this every year."
"I know. Oh. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…" her counting trailed off as she turned to look at Luke and take in his amused expression. As she reached her hand to cup his cheek and pull his lips to hers, a tiny part of her wished that she had seen something in his face other than amusement. Something more serious, perhaps. Something that let her know that celebrating New Year's with her meant as much to him as it meant to her. She could feel the softness of his lips on hers as she ran her thumb across his cheek, reached her fingers around to play with the hair at the back of his neck. She pulled back slowly, running her thumb across his lips before giving him a soft, short kiss.
"So, you got your midnight kiss. Are you satisfied now? Is your New Year's complete?" Luke teased, as he propped his head up on one arm.
"It's not just about the kiss."
"What do you mean?"
Lorelai knew he didn't get what this meant to her and she couldn't tell if she was upset with him for not understanding, or upset with herself for not being clear with him. She rolled over on her back, staring at the ceiling as she tried to put her thoughts into words. "It's not about tradition or having someone to kiss. It's more than that, Luke. It matters." Her words came out more harshly than she intended and he looked over at her, clearly confused.
"Lorelai, what do you mean? Why does it matter so much?" his voice almost sounded impatient.
"It matters…because I…" she glanced over at him briefly then her eyes went back to the ceiling, "Dammit Luke, I love you and….I've never spent New Year's with someone I love…I'm not sure I've even ever...so…so that's why it matters." She knew that she sounded hurt and angry, but the words were out and it was too late to take them back. She couldn't bear the silence. She just wanted him to say something, anything to take away the silence. She rolled toward him, instinctively pulling the covers protectively over her chest, wondering desperately what he was thinking.
He stared back at her for a moment, clearly surprised by her words, before stammering, "Lorelai…I didn't mean to make light of it. I…I love you too…I have …for a long time."
"Yeah?" she asked, lifting her head up and leaning on her arm, her tone more hopeful as her confidence returned. "How long?"
He looked at her evenly, as if evaluating his response, "I wanted to tell you after Rachel left."
"After Rachel left? At his nod she asked, "Tell me what?"
"That I had feelings for you. She told me to tell you." He looked down at the last statement, his words so soft she had to strain to hear them. Even then she wasn't sure she had heard him right.
"She told you? She knew?" She was having a hard time processing his statement.
"It's why she left," he admitted.
She had no idea how to respond to that, "I didn't know. All this time, I didn't know."
"You couldn't. I didn't tell you. I wanted to, but…Max"
"I got engaged."
"Yeah."
He looked away as he spoke and the sad resignation in his voice was almost more than she could bear. She remembered the conversation on her porch when Luke gave her the chuppah, his snide comments about marriage, and his reluctance to come to the wedding shower. With the new knowledge that he had known he had feelings for her, she felt a renewed sense of loss, another missed opportunity. She was so lost in her thoughts, she almost didn't hear Luke's next words.
"How come you didn't?"
"Huh?"
"Why didn't you marry Max?"
"I realized I didn't love him. I thought I did, but I think I really just loved the idea of getting married." She hung her head, feeling ashamed. It was hard to admit it, knowing how much she had hurt Max. It then occurred to her what she had just said and she knew she needed to be clear. "Luke?"
"Yeah?" He lifted his eyes to her, perhaps sensing the seriousness in her tone.
She held his gaze and willed him to understand the meaning in her words, "I know I love you. I'm sure. I've never been sure before, but I'm sure about you."
He was clearly touched by her words and though his tone was serious as he spoke, his eyes softened and he gave a small smile, "I'm sure about you too, Lorelai."
"And I'm sorry I got angry at you. That isn't how I should have said it." She added, with an apologetic smile as she ran a finger down his chest.
"It's okay." He said with understanding, reaching for her hand and holding it against his heart. "You know, some of our best moments have been the result of arguments."
"That's true isn't it?" Remembering the argument that had led to their first kiss, it felt unsurprising that tonight's words had come as a result of a misunderstanding. Though the admissions had been difficult, it was good to have them out in the open. And it was a fitting way to start the year.
"Hey, check this out. Only five minutes and I've already kept my New Year's resolution," Lorelai grinned, welcoming the returning sense of contentment.
"What was it?" Luke smiled back.
"Not to miss any more opportunities."
EndThe request was as follows:
Celebration you want to see: Torn between New Year's Day or an anniversary. Choose what thou wilt.
Two secondary items you want to see: Reminiscing about their relationship (i.e. the almost-kiss in That Damn Donna Reed, the almost-ask out in Double Date), and L/L holding hands in public.
One other character you'd like to see, if any: None really, but it might be interesting to hear about Max/Rachel/Chris/Nicole/Jason during the reminiscing parts.
Up to one restriction: Not too much Townie or Rory stuff, please.