The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks
Chapter 2: Beerses and Lack Thereof
Disclaimer: I own Zelda as much as I love math, which I don't, so I don't. Oookay?
Thankies to:
Cucco Overlady: Oh yeeeaaahh? Then I'LL set my evil…errrrrr…..FLYING MONKEYS OF DOOM ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE! MWA HA HAH! ….Unless you're Dorothy. Damn you, Dorothy! DAAAMMNNN YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU! Ahem. Thanks for the kind reviiieeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!
AAAyekoms: I KNOW, isn't? PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE EVIL, I SHAY! PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRREEEEEE EEEEEVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLL!
Mindraptor: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY! (does a happy dance)
Mugsy: Awwwwwwwwwww, thanks! I try to make this as madnessy as possible!
Wolf McCloud-123: 0.o Whoooooa! Take a breather! Just cuz I haven't mentioned you YET, doesn't mean I won't! I'm saving a special part for you! How can you be so cruuueeellll? WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (runs off)
Author's Note: Sorry for da lateness! Blame school. It's so evil. It makes me miss my soaps. X.x HOWEVER, this chappie is a bit longer than the last, so YAY!
Since I had to restart this story, all the former reviews were erased. Subliminally add 32 extra reviews, ok? That'll make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Mmm k, enjoy Chapter Two!
..ooOO00OOoo..
The moon glowed overhead, birds plotted the downfall of other birds, and flying monkeys drank Irished coffee (they're very addicted, you know) as Saria and Zelda sat exactly as they were a few hours ago. This time, however, Saria was sitting next to a huge pile of marbles while Zelda had no marbles at all, and was slightly puffy-eyed for the fact. They were now playing a game the Kokiri had found in the basement.
Zelda moved her piece across the board and grinned evilly. "CHECKERS!" she yelled, cackling in a way no princess should.
". . .We were playing chess." said Saria, with a sigh.
"Ohhh, riiiight. Heh heh." she said sheepishly, and put the piece back to its original place. She thought for a few minutes, her face contorted in concentration, then moved the piece once again. "CHECK MATE!"
Saria looked down at the board to see Zelda was right. "…I hate you."
"Yeah, I know! Hee hee!" she laughed girlishly, throwing her hair back. Saria muttered words under her breath that I shall not write here since this isn't Jerry Springer, after all. Zelda took no notice.
"Hellooooooo? Shouldn't we find Link? He's been gone for QUITE a while, you know!" said a muffled voice nearby.
"WHO'S THAT!" Saria screeched, a pointy stick raised protectively in front of her.
The pile of marbles next to shuddered, then exploded, sending marbles scattering everywhere. Lo! and behold, there floated—"NAVI!" yelled Navi, or was at least planning to before Saria began beating the fairy with her stick like a madwoman. "DIE, YOU EVIL MARBLE STEALING GLOWING LIGHT OF DOOOOOOOOOMMMM! DDIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MWA HA HAAAAH!"
"Uhhh, Saria?" Zelda said, tapping her on the shoulder delicately. "That's Navi…"
"Ohhh, right. My bad. Sorry Navi!" she said brightly, patting the fairy on the head. Navi twitched and started to ever so slightly foam at the mouth.
"Sooo Navi, what were you doing in those marbles?" asked Zelda hurriedly before she went crazy. As it turned out, it only made matters worse.
"Ooooh, you wanna know what I was doing? Really, you do? Truuuuuuuuely? I WAS BEING USED AS A FRICKIN' MARBLE!" she yelled, flapping up so she was an inch away from Zelda's face, spittle flying every which way "IT WAS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, LET ME TELL YOU! OH, DA PAIN! OH THE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINN! Waaaahh…" She fell to the ground, sobbing loudly.
"Hey, you know what'll cheer everybody up?" said Saria cheerfully, putting the stick into the recesses of her tunic (much to Navi's relief).
"Whassat?" asked Zelda.
"SUPERHAPPYFUNTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEEE!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled the other two, and so the whole gang had a SuperHappyFunTime. Drinks and Pixie Stix were in every hand and wing, and they did indeed have the superest, happiest, funnest time of their lives.
Two Hours Later
Zelda was lying on the ground, holding two empty bottles and looking at them sadly. Saria was doing the Conga Dance (yes, the drunk's favorite dance) by herself, kicking her legs off beat. Navi was flying around in circles, yelling "SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUPERHAPPYFUUUUUNTIMESUPERHAAAAPYFUUUNTIME!" over and over. This is why you should never drink or eat sugar, kids! IT ROTS YOUR MIIIIIIIINNNDDDDD! –cough- Anyhoo, back to the story.
Zelda turned the bottles over, tapping them to see if any beer would come out. Nothing did except a frog, which gave Zelda a resentful glance and hopped away. "We-hic-we-re outta beereses…' she said, or at least tried to say.
"But WHERE has all the rum gone?" moaned Saria.
"I know where some beerses ish! FOLLOW MEEEEEEE!" yelled Navi triumphantly as she began flying lopsidedly towards Link's pad, with Saria and Zelda following dumbly behind. She fumbled with the lock and stumbled in, cursing randomly. The fairy led them towards the kitchen and to a large door on the wall. Navi made a striking pose and said dramatically "Dun dun dun DUUUUN! LINK'S SECRET ALCOHOL CABINET! Wooooooo!"
"Aw right, shu-weeeeeeet!" cooed Saria, pulling out a crowbar from her pocket.
"How did you…?' began Zelda.
"Don't ask.' muttered Saria, sitting down in front of the cabinet. She clasped her hands together and prayed; "Dearest All Powerful and Wonderful Goddesses, Please lemme open this cabinet successfully to get at the beerses. Thankies, Saria." she ended, and started to pry open the door.
o.o.o.o.o
Hundreds of miles away (and in a different universe), The Three Goddesses sat around in beach chairs getting a tan in the Secret Goddess Hideout in LA.
"Ohhhh, you want beerses, do ya?" hooted Farore as she got a massage from a guy with no shirt on (who was also, coincidently, the gardener).
"Weeell, we can't say no to that, can we?" said Nayru sensibly, sipping a Pina Colada through a silly straw.
"Fine you may have your beers." said Din solemnly. "But you have to share with us! OR WE'LL GO OLD SCHOOL ON YOUSE!" Clouds formed overhead, rain poured from the sky, and lightning crackled all around the Goddess of Power (riiiight?). It was quite a dramatic display. Farore rather spoiled the effect by throwing a beach ball at her.
"Shut up. You're ruining our vacation."
"Here, here." said Nayru, raising her glass.
"…Bugger off." The gloomy Din muttered, and went to a corner to sulk.
o.o.o.o.o
Hem, hem. Back to the robbers. Saria, having not heard a word the goddesses had said, being in a different universe and all, successfully opened the cabinet to reveal—
"Alcohoooooooooll….' breathed Zelda, drooling excessively. Yes, it was indeed alcohol, which I was about to say before I was ever so rudely interrupted. Stacks and stack of it, from gin to vodka to Chardonnay to old fashioned beer.
"It's…so ….beautiful…" whispered Navi, falling down to her metaphorical knees.
Saria, being the drunk that she is, shoved the other two away and grabbed a bottle of vodka. She unscrewed the bottle cap and grinned. "Thank goddesses Link's a secret alcoholic! CHEERS!" She upended the bottle over her mouth and started chugging as Navi and Zelda followed suite, oblivious to the storm clouds forming above….
o.o.o.o.o
Ok, back to the Secret Goddess Hideout in LA.
"LOOK AT THAT STUPID DRUNK! SHE'S NOT SHARING!" shouted Din, literally foaming at the mouth.
"How can they be so cruuuueeeellll?" Farore moaned. "HOOOOWWWW!"
Nayru shook her fist at the sky. "WHY, GODDESSES, WHHHYYYYEEEEEE!" She stopped as the other two goddesses stared at her. Realization dawned. "Oh yeaaaaaaaah…"
"Time for a little revenge…." said Farore, rubbing her hands together evilly.
"MWA HA HAAAA! SAY YOUR PRAYERS, BUT THEY WON'T HELP YA!" yelled Din, eyes aflame with anger. She clapped her hands together, and something very peculiar happened a universe away….
o.o.o.o.o
All the alcohol had disappeared.
Not one can of beer, not one bottle of champagne, not even that stuff with a big skull on it. It was all gone. The trio was not very happy about it. Not very happy at all. Zelda was in full tantrum mood, crying like an oversized baby with too much makeup on. Saria was sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently. And Navi was lying on the floor, twitching, her light or whatever you call it a icky greenish blue. They were all very devastated, indeed.
o.o.o.o.o
The goddesses, however, were as happy as clams, which is an odd saying when you think about it; clams are low on the food chain and often live short, miserable lives. But ANYWAY, enough rambling. They were happy. Gosh, it would've been a lot easier just to say that, wouldn't it? Oh well, too late now. : D
Now the goddesses had every ounce of alcohol from the Secret Alcohol Cabinet and were drinking it like there was no tomorrow (which, in the Secret Goddess Hideout, was true.) Farore was lying under the table, quaffing her beer (yeeeesssss, it's a word!) while Din and Nayru sat slumped around said table playing Strip Poker. The fact that neither of them had clothes in the first place wasn't relevant.
"What's the deaaaaal wif da platypus?" asked Farore drunkedly, as both the poker goddesses above placed down a royal flush simultaneously. "I meeaaaann, is it a duck? Is it a beaver? Choose one already, dammit! Its maaaaadnesss! Absolute maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadnesssss! And why ish someone who's maaaaaaaad called nuts? Nuts aren't maaaaaadd! Squirrelses like 'em, birds like 'em, octupuseses like 'em, and they aren't maaaaaaaadd! Its maaaaaadnessss, I shay! Everything ish maaaaaadnesss!"
"That's nice, dear." murmured Din. "HAH! Say goodbye to you socky-poo, Nayru! NYER NYER NYER NYEEER!"
"Damn it all." Muttered the Goddess of Wisdom, and took off her remaining piece of clothing off her head and into Din's face. She screeched and flung it away, fearing of cooties. It flew full speed into a random turkey, who went "Gobble gobble?" before being knocked into the Never Ending Hole of DooooOOoooom, never to be seen again. Weeeell, with its feathers on. And without all that stuffing.
"I TOLD you we should have put a fence around that!" yelled Farore, snapping out of her drunken ranting (she was currently talking about how bananas are pure evil).
"Goddesses?" said Nayru slowly. "I think now is a good time to… FLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And with that, they did.
o.o.o.o.o
Just then, 1249843495340519013.00002 light-years away, Navi remembered something really, really important. "HUZZAAAAHHH!" she cried, all a twitter (whatever the hell THAT means). "I know where some more alcohol ish! It's in," Here she put her pinkie wing to her lip as the I'm-revealing-an-evil-plan theme began playing from Austin Powers. "Link's Secret Still!"
Saria stared wide-eyed at the fairy. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you right now." She straightened up. "We shall find Link, poke him with pointy objects until he reveals the location of the Secret Still, then drink until we do something we shall later regret!"
"HURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" shouted Navi, pumping her wings in the air.
"I dunnooooo. I mean, do we REALLY need to find his Secret Still? I mean, reeeeaally? All we're doing is egging on Saria's drunkenness. I really don't…see…the…point…" Zelda said, but faltered under the Kokiri's death glare. "Let's go get us some beerses?" she offered.
"Right on! And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!" said Saria, and so the Trio left Link's Pad and went off to find Link and get the whereabouts of his Secret Still.
o.o.o.o.o
A few feet away, hidden in a leafy tree, a cute, furry creature whispered into a walkie talkie. "The robins have left the nest. Repeat, the robins have left the nest." it said, and scurried off into the night.
o.o.o.o.o
A few miles away, in a Secret Volcanic Lair, another cute, furry creature stared blankly at its own walkie talkie. "What the fo shizzle was Jim talking about? There are no robins in winter! What a dumb schmuck…." It was then hit and killed by a falling turkey, which then fell into another Never Ending Hole of DoooOOOoom. Poor Mr. Turkey….
o.o.o.o.o
And in the Secret Goddess Lair in Bermuda (they relocated, you see), the goddesses invited all their masseuses, gardeners, and god/goddess friends and had a SuperHappyFunTime of their own. With drinks in unlimited supply, they had a grand old time, indeed. Until the neighbors called the police on them, that is. But the Goddesses had them obliterated, so it was aaaallllll right.
..ooOO00OOoo..
YAAAYY, CHAPTAH TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Pwease review it, okay? You'll get some caaaaaaaaaaaaaannnndddddddddddddddddyyy! n.n