The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks
Chapter 3: Red-Eyed Polka Dotty
Disclaimer: I owned all of Zelda, but then I woke up. I don't own 'Play That Funky Music', either. But I DO own Bob. Really!
Thanks to:
Cucco Overlady: Yeah, crashing parties and alcohol are fab! Er, only if you're 21 and over, of course! (cough) DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, KIDDIES!
AAAyekoms: Really? Woooow. I didn't know that they let you out of the soft-walled room to go on the computer! Maaan, what a rip-off…Just kidding. : D Yeah, poor Mr. Turkey. So very, very unloved. (throws a handful of candy at you) Hee hee…
G.Reaper: Weird random stuff is da bomb! Fo shiz. (eats some pie) Yeah, the Never Ending Hole of Doom is Mr. Turkey's arch-nemesis…Oh, their antics never cease to amuse me!
Wolf McCloud-123: I know, being sugar-high makes you do craaaazy things….crazy things in Vegas….crazy things in Vegas that I'm not entirely proud of….(coughcough) Anyhoo, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that I'm one of your fave authors! n.n
Author's Note: Yeah, I took forever to update...again. I've been busy doing nuthin' an' stuff. You know how it is! …Right?
..ooOO00OOoo..
Zelda, Saria, and Navi set off from Link's pad and went out to find Link. But before they could go very far, however, they first had to get ready…
Navi put on a Sherlock Holmes hat and flew around, looking at stuff with her magnifying glass and puffing at her pipe.
Zelda looked at her oddly. "Navi….What ARE you doing?"
"Well, if we want to find Link, we need to get into detective mode, right? And all fab detectives look like this, ya know? Besides, this hat makes me look suave, see? Indubitably." said Navi, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Uh huh….And so you're trying to be Sherlock Holmes?"
"Indubitably again, my ol' chum!"
Now both Zelda and Saria looked at her oddly, wondering what was in that pipe of hers.
"Now let's stop this poppycock and get on with it all ready!" screeched Navi, brandishing her pipe at the pair like a sword.
"Navi, not to hurt your feelings, but…" Saria began, backing away from the demented fairy. "YOU ARE THE SUCKIEST ENGLISHMAN EVER! YOU COULDN'T DO AN ENGLISH ACCENT IF YOU'RE LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! EVEN PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE AMAZON WOULD SAY YOU SUCK! AND THEY'RE ISOLATED FROM CIVILIZATION!"
Navi sniffed, dropping her detective equipment to the ground, where it mysteriously vanished. "Ouch, man. Very ouch."
Saria twitched. "Are you trying to be AUSTIN POWERS NOW?
Navi slowly sidled away. "…Um……….No-o-o-o-o-o-o…." She quickly hid her square glasses and bottle of mojo behind her back.
" Hmmmmm……Good enough for me! Let's go!"
And NOW they truly set off to find Link , following his footprints with smiley faces on the soles. Awwww, is he cute or what? Hehehehehehehehe….
Zelda checked her watch, then sighed. "Are we THERE yet?" she whined piteously.
"We JUST left Link's house!" said Saria, ticked off with how stupid the princess was.
"Oh…Tee hee! Silly me!"
Saria just sighed.
(One and a Half Minutes Pass)
"Are we theeeeeere yet?" asked Zelda yet again.
"NO! We JUST left the village! Look, Mido is even waving at us!" Saria shrieked, pointing to where Mido was indeed waving his arms and jumping up and down at them.
"Oh. HIYA MIDO!" Zelda yelled, waving back at the Kokiri.
Saria committed murder in her head.
Navi put on spectacles and squinted through them. "I say, look at him jumping like that! He looks completely bonkers!"
"Now Navi, what did we say about trying to be English?" said Saria patiently, like a teacher telling a 3-year old why it's wrong to beat someone over the head with a My Little Pony.
"To…..not…?" ventured Navi.
"VERY good!" She gave Navi a cookie.
"YAY!"
"Awww, I wanna cookie!" Zelda pouted, her arms folded over her chest.
"And I want a pool full of tequila. It just ain't happenin'."
"Frick on a stick with a frick!" muttered Zelda, and so the trio passed over the bend, oblivious to Mido's calls…
"WAIT! HEEELP!" howled Mido, jumping up and down frantically. "EVIL CHIPMUNKS! OF DOOOOOOOOOM! AND ACORNS! THE HORROR, THE HORROR OF IT ALL! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
A Random Chipmunk (who I shall name Bob just for the helluvit) jumped up and smacked Mido with a rolled up newspaper. "Silence, fool!" Bob said, and snapped his wittle chipmunky fingers, making hundreds of chipmunks jump Mido.
"…!" said Mido, and he was never seen again. Or at least until I find some use for him.
Now, back to the stars of the show.
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to find Link we go! To bring back Link, then steal his drinks, hi ho, HI HO!" sang Zelda out of tune as she skipped along her merry away.
"Do you HAVE to sing that song?" asked Saria crossly. Zelda was not known for her singing skills. It'd make Simon Cowell end up in a room with soft walls. (Like AAAyekoms! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I kill myself sometimes.)
"….No." Zelda conceded after a few minutes thought.
"Good!"
A few crickets chirped in the silence. Zelda coughed, and then-
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps toooonniiiiggghhhtttttt!"
"Aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop awem awop aweem awop…" went the fairy chorus.
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN the jungle, the miiigghhhttyy jungle the lion sleeps tooonnniggghhhhhttt!"
"OoooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOoooOO bum bum away…..AHHHHHHHHH OoooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOoooOO bum bum away!"
Saria fell to the ground sobbing. "Why, Goddesses? WWWHHHHYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE?"
"Because I just don't like you. Na HAH!" said Farore nastily as she sipped a martini at the Secret Goddess Hideout.
"Ah Saria, there, there!" Zelda patted her on the back and gave her a super Pixie Stix, now with 50 more pixieness! (yes, I stoop so low as too subliminally advertise. The shame!)
Saria sniffed. "Awww, thanks..." She upturned it over mouth and started chugging it. When she was down, she looked around in a daze. "Hmmmmmmm……I feel…..like…..SINGING!" A small part of Saria keeled over and died.
The song "Play That Funky Music" began to play and Saria sang:
"Ohhhhhhh, I'm dancin', and singin', and movin' to the groove'n, and just when, it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted—"
Here everybody joined in. "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOOOOOYYY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC OOOHHHHOOHHHHH! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOOOOOOOYYYYYY, LAY DOWN THE BOOOOGGGYY AND PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC TILL YOU DIE!"
And so they continued singing (shudder) as they walked along Link's tracks. Soon they were right near the place where we last saw Link…..
A lone marble grinned evilly (as well as a marble can) and quietly rolled under Zelda's foot. The princess tripped and fell, setting up a domino effect. Saria tripped over Zelda, and Navi tripped over Saria (despite the fact she's flying), landing them in a tumbled heap of arms, legs, and wings.
"…What was that?" Zelda asked, her voice muffled partially by Saria's shoe.
Navi detangled herself from the others and flew over to the Marble, magnifying glass in her wing. The Marble did its best to look innocent.
"It's Link's red-eyed polka dotty! A Clue!" she proclaimed, picking it up.
Saria got up and brushed herself off. "Ewwwwwwww, I have Zelda cooties! Unclean, unclean!" she squealed, hopping from foot to foot.
Zelda got up and glared at her. "Shaddup." She muttered, regretting giving Saria that Pixie Stix. Drunk Saria was much easier to deal with than Hyper Saria. "Navi, I really really really don't think you should touch that…"
"Why not? It's just a harmless lil marble!" the fairy said, giving it a playful shake. A growl emitted from the Marble.
"But its evil, I tells you!"
"That's crazy!"
"No, the marble is! AND evil!"
"Am not!" said the red-eyed polka dotty indignantly.
Saria and Navi went bug-eyed, while Zelda gave them an I-told-you-so look.
The Marble fidgeted and looked around worriedly. "I mean…..ummmmmm…….eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..aw, screw it! RAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" It, er, rahhed, and bounced up and began smacking Navi upside the head.
Zelda and Saria sat down on the sidelines and watched the fight, eating from a bag of popcorn that had appeared from no where.
"Ummm….guys?" said Navi, trying to shield herself from the Marble's blows and failing miserably. "HELP ME!"
Zelda put her finger to chin and began stroking it, like those guys with goatees do. You know what I'm talking about. "Ummmmm……..no."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"
"And sprinkles too?" asked Zelda hopefully.
Uh huh!" Navi nodded vigorously.
"NOPE!"
"…I'll give you moooonnnnneeeeeeeeeyy…"
"Weeeeell, since you put it that way…OK!" Zelda threw some Anti-Marble Holy Water on the marble.
The Marble screeched, twitching madly. "IT BUUUURRRRNNNSSSSS, IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS! AAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" It blew up with a small 'ow'.
"And THAT takes care of THAT!" Zelda said triumphantly, then held out her hand expectantly (ha, it rhymes!) "And my payment, please?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever...though you shoulda done it to be nice, but whatever…." Navi muttered, handing her a silver rupee (which was actually a green rupee painted silver, but don't tell Zelda that.)
"Thank you!" said the princess, pocketing the money. Navi muttered some more under her breath.
"Awwwwww…" moaned Saria, putting away the popcorn. "Zelda, how'd ya know the marble was evil?"
"Well….."
(FLASHBACK)
Zelda lurked in the garden on the palace grounds, looking pitiful and depressed and pathetic and whatnot. Why, you ask? She had run out of precious, precious marbles. "Why must everything happen to me?" she cried, making a dramatic pose.
A Random Marble Peddler (RMP) walked past the palace, ringing his bell in a mad, cheerful sort of way. "Marbles! Get yer maaarrrbblllesss! Juicy fresh maaaarrrbbblllllless! Get 'em while they're hot! Marrrrrbbbbbllllleeeessss!"
"Oooo, the Marble Peddler! He's early today! JOY!" said Zelda gleefully, skipping over.
"Hi there, madam! Take a look at my wares! We've got marbles from alllll over Hyrule at quite cheap prices! In fact," RMP said, rummaging through a bucket of marbles. "Here's our Marble of the Day, the red-eyed polka dotty at the low, low price of ten rupees!"
"I'll take it!"
"Excellent! It absolutely NEVER loses and is the greatest of fun! But I must warn you, it is possessed and is pure ev--"
"You had me at hello! Yoink!" she said, throwing the money in his face, grabbing the marble, then running away, cackling evilly.
RMP scratched his head, looking confused. "I never said hello..."
(In Zelda's room)
Zelda sat on her overwhelmingly pink bed amidst dozens of stuffed animals, stroking the red-eyed polka dotty fondly. "Oh Mr. Marble, we're going to be the bestest of friends! We'll have tea parties and eat ice cream and everything! It shall be ever so fun!" As you can tell, Zelda doesn't get out much. 'Cept when she's being kidnapped, of course.
"Not likely, ya freak!" yelled the marble, twisting away from Zelda's grasp and flinging itself out the window.
Zelda blinked at the broken window for a few seconds, then …….. "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Impa hurriedly rushed in. "What is it, Zeldie? Did another toy leave you again?" she asked, sympathetically.
"Mr. Marble (sob) jumped out the window! (sob) He just went an', an', (sob) an' left me! How could he be so cruuuuueeeeeellll? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zelda bawled, curling up into the fetal position and sucking her thumb.
"Aww, there, there! I'll just get that mean ol' Mr. Marble, all right?"
Zelda nodded. "Mmm hmm…"
Impa stood right outside window, making a dramatic pose (yeah, royal people like making dramatic poses. It's what they do.) with her tranquilizer gun. "Da hunt ees awn. HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She jumped through window, rolled easily on the ground, and pounced on the Marble, who was, up till now, slowly but surely rolling away to freedom. "Now," she said levelly, smoking a cigar that had magically appeared in her fingers. "Do you want to do this da easy way or da hard way?"
The Marble grinned nastily and spat at Impa. "Bring it on, biatch!" Yes, we can aaaaalll see how manly the Marble is.
Impa wiped the spittle away with the back of her hand. "Oh no you di'in't!" She straightened the barrel of the tranquilizer gun and pointed it at the Marble. "Buh bye now!" she said, and pulled the trigger. The SFX Guy loudly went "KABLOOIE!"
As the smoke cleared, the Marble sat just as he was, a broad smile on his face. "Wah ha ha! You can't hurt me so easily, fool!"
Impa nodded thoughtfully. "We'll see about that, won't we?" She then shot the Marble fifty times with enough tranquilizer to take out a herd of rabid hamsters.
The Marble twitched, slowly. "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeee….." he said, then passed out.
"Fwa ha ha ha ha! I am victorious!" Impa grinned, grabbing the marble and jumping back up through the window (even though it's four stories up). She plopped it on Zelda's lap. "Here ya go, dearie!"
Zelda clapped her hands together joyfully. "YAAAAAAAY! Thank you!"
"Now if he gives you any trouble, just tranquilize him!" said the nanny, throwing her the tranquilizer and leaving the room.
Zelda smiled in an all together evil kind of way. "Oh, I will. I will indeed. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The Marble winced. "…Crap."
(END FLASHBACK)
"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow." said Saria, munching on some more popcorn.
"Yeah, I know!" said Zelda. "But now………I LOST MY BESTEST FRIEND! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" She started sobbing uncontrollably…again.
Navi flitted back and forth uncertainly. "Errrr….here, have a lollypop!" She handed the princess a lollypop, in the hopes that candy made everything better.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" squealed the princess, twirling around with her new 'best friend'.
Saria pouted. "Hey, I wanna lollypop! GIMME GIMME GIMME!" She also started sobbing uncontrollably.
The fairy backed away hurriedly. "Fine, fine!" She threw her a lollypop.
Saria did her happy dance, which consisted of turning around in circles and swinging her arms and legs around madly. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
Zelda and Saria looked at each other, grinned, then locked elbows and began doing the can-can. "ON THE GOOOOOOD SHIP, LOLLYPOP! DOO DOO DOO DOOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOOO!" Candy makes you do veeeeery odd things.
Navi slowly edged away. "Riiiiiggggggghhhhhttttt…..I'll just continue my investigation, then…" So Navi flew over to where the marble tripped Zelda, and pushed aside the bushes to reveal……….
..ooOO00OOoo..
Yes, a cliffhanger! Fwahahahhahahahahahahaha! Well, unless you've all ready read the story. Er. But it's still a cliffhanger nonetheless! HA! Review, please! Any flames I get will be used to burn the other flames. SO THERE!