Chapter 4: Cute Forest Animals, So Unloved

Disclaimer: Zelda me no-no own.

Thanks to:

Link who is not Link: (blinkblink) Whatever floats yer boat. : D

AAAyekoms: And that is why you always have a concealed razor under your tongue whenever you're carted off to the mad house! (tosses you some sugar-filled candy) Weeeee!

Masterful Foxboy A. Keysoonaer: Yup, chipmunks are SO evil! Same with robins, dolphins, ducks, processed cheese, Teletubbies, any Disney character, Bob the Evil Chicken of Doom, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Toto from the Wizard of Oz…the list is never-ending! NEVER-ENDING, I TELLS YOU! AHHHH!

Author's Note: Hi again! Yeah, it's been a while. LIke 3 months…wow. What have I been doing, you ask? …Nothing! Oooo, you weren't expecting that, were you? Damn straight! HA! ANYway...(throws apologizes to all)

Okay, I am taking character requests for next chapter. If you want a short cameo, a medium cameo, a large cameo, or some random fictional character to show up, tell me! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

PS: AAAyekoms gets a reserved cameo cuz he's so special…SPECIAL ED! Aha ha ha! …Yeeaaaahh. : D

WARNING: THIS STORY INCLUDES THE DEATHS OF SEVERAL CUTE FOREST ANIMALS. THIS STORY IS -NOT- FOR THOSE WHO LOVE CUTE FOREST ANIMALS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

And now…….Iiiiiiiittttttttt'ssssssss STORY TIME! EEEEEEEEEE!

..ooOO00OOoo..

Last time on Attack of the Chipmunks…

…Navi flew over to where the marble tripped Zelda, and pushed aside the bushes to reveal…

"BAMBI'S MOTHER?" Gasp, shock, awe! Yes, it was in fact Bambi's mother. Oh the furry humanity of it all. As the trio slowly backed away in fear, Bambi's Mother (BM) growled and showed her fangs, which she had gotten in a box of Count Chocula, but they still looked very menacing, so that was all right.

"Nice…deer-y……niiiiiiicccccceee deer-y…..I have a treat for yooooouuuuu…" Navi threw a lollypop at BM, who did the deer version of a happy dance and started licking it. A sweat drop formed on Navi's forehead. "That's right…eat your lollypop…" She hid a rather large tranquilizer gun behind her back.

"Mmmmmooorrmmmm?" said BM, looking annoyed. It translated roughly to, "This is a crappy lollypop! It tastes like a decaying camel! Do you hate me or something? Damn, lady!" Navi just smiled and looked friendly as she loaded the tranquilizer behind her back.

"Navi, what do you think you're doing with that?" Saria whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

Navi grinned. "Why, I'm goin' to make a profit for myself by charging people to see the Amazing Bambi's Mother, then when I'm done with her I'll put her head on my wall! I'll make millions, I tell you! MILLIONS!" The fairy foamed slightly at the mouth.

"That's horrible! For shame, Navi. For shame!"

"…How 'bout I cut you in with the money?"

Saria thought about it. For about .000000000001 of a second. Stupid ho…oops, naughty word! Shame on me! Hee hee. "…..Ok!"

Navi rubbed her wings (the wings that weren't holding the tranquilizer. Duh.) together in an evil sort of fashion. Soon… she thought, Soon I shall have another head for my collection! Mwahahaha! Damn I'm evil. YAY!

(Scene goes to Navi's Pad and into her Head Room.)

On the walls of the Head Room were various heads of fairies, Kokiri, Zoras, Dekus, Hyrulians, Gorons, monkeys, monsters, flowers, pineapples, and Tingle. Above the fireplace were three empty mounts, and on the plaques were the names…

SFX Guy turned on the suspenseful music.

……... 'Zelda', 'Link', and 'Saria'!

"Dun dun DUN!" said SFX Guy.

…..And in the corner was a mount that read 'SFX Guy'.

SFX Guy gulped. "Eep."

Hehehehe…

(Scene goes back to the gang.)

BM sniffed the lollypop suspiciously. "Rrrrmmoorr? Ruhr roh…." (Translation: Did a rabid raccoon already lick this or something? Uh oh…..) She started twitching madly and foamed at the mouth.

"Err…That's not normal, is it?" asked Zelda nervously.

"Nooooooooo…" said Saria, popping open a bottle of vodka to settle her nerves.

"…Poo."

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!" BM jumped at Navi, teeth bared, and starts beating the crap out of her like only a deer can do.

"………..!" went Navi.

Zelda and Saria began eating some chips that had magically appeared for some odd reason and watched the fight, chanting "Jerry! Jerry!"

"What," said Navi through gritted teeth. "Did (smack) you (smack) run out (NOT THE FACE! AHH!) of (pain) popcorn? (immense violence)"

"Sadly, yes we did." Zelda saluted an empty bag of popcorn as 'Taps' began playing in the background. "He was a good bag of popcorn. He shall be sorely missed." She sniffed, dabbing her eyes with a hankerchief.

Navi muttered something unprintable under her breath and whipped out tranquilizer, shooting BM in the side. The deer fell down and twitched a leg.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Navi started shooting BM repeatedly. "How do you like them apples? I SAID, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!" BM twitched some more and died. Navi continued shooting.

"Let's…sllooooowwwlllyyy….. edddddggggeeeeeee….aawwwwwwwaaayyyy…" said Saria, and she and Zelda backed away from the highly freaky scene.

"HALT!"

Saria jumped five feet in the air, green hair standing on end. Damn mysterious voices. Always making her hair stand on end….Stupid shmoes…

"Ummmmmmmmmmm..…We need to discuss this for a second. Team huddle!" Saria and Zelda went into a huddle, and after a whispered conversation, mostly consisting of Saria saying something and Zelda yelling, "WHAAAAAAT?", they straightened up. "After much consideration," said Saria, glaring slightly at Zelda. "We have decided that no, we shall not halt."

The Mysterious Voice seemed a bit confused. It hadn't expected this. "Ummm….yeeeesss…?"

Zelda tilted her head to the side. "Why should we?"

"Because…because…because…ummmmmm…."

"Yeeeesssssssssss? Spill it out, man!" Oh my, princesses are rather snippish, aren't they? Pshaw.

"……." said the Mysterious Voice. Shuffling was heard, and out through the bushes came….

Zelda and Saria took a deep breath. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-,"

The Authoress coughed, checking her watch. "Wrap it up! Damn!"

"--WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! IT'S A BUNNY RABBIT!"

The Bunny Rabbit (formerly known as Mysterious Voice) sniffed indignantly. "I have a NAME, ya know!"

"Wassat, cutie?" asked Saria, acting out of character what with her not chasing the rabbit around with a pointy stick then roasting it slowly over a roaring fire and all. Freaky.

"….Thumper." muttered Thumper, looking down at his oversized feet.

Zelda squealed like the little girl she is. "Awwwwwwwww, THAT IS SUCH A CUTE NAME!"

"Now see here, you're trespassing on private property, and—" began Thumper (formerly known as Bunny Rabbit, formerly known as Mysterious Voice), then stopped as he noticed the dead body of BM with Navi hovering overhead, yelling obscenities and kicking it with metaphorical legs. "HOLY CRAP, YOU KILLED BAMBI'S MOTHER! MURDERERS! THE WHOLE LOT OF YA! MMMUUURRRDDEEERREEERRSSSSS!"

"Be quiet! Shhhhh! We are NOT!" whispered Saria in a freakishly loud voice.

"MURDERERS! MURDERERS! MURDE--" Thumper's voice was muffled by Zelda.

"SHADDUP!" she shrieked. Thumper, in retaliation, twitched and died from suffocation.

"Hello? Hello?" She shook Thumper. "THUMPER? THUMPER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I KILLED THUMPER!" Zelda made a dramatic pose, and the SFX Guy, who was lounging around in the bushes, jumped up and went, "Dun dun DUUUN!", then went back to playing cards with his imaginary friends.

A Random Forest Bird (RFB) fluttered over to the group. "Hi, I was wondering if you had any seeds to donate to—" He noticed the bodies of Thumper and BM. "YOU KILLED THUMPER AND BAMBI'S MOTHER! YOU KILLED 'EM! COLD BLOODED KILLERS! COLD BLOODED KIL—" he screamed, but was muffled by Zelda.

"WE ARE NOT!" she shouted, and simultaneously muffled RFB to death.

"Well…you are, and Navi is, so TECHNICALLY you guys ARE murderers. Not me, though! I'm goooOOOooood!" said Saria, but she was still drunk so her words don't count.

Anyhoo, the cruel muffling process was repeated several times with a turtle, several more birds, a raccoon, and a flying fish, whose presence in the forest was unknown to all.

Saria gaily edged around the numerous bodies, and stuck her tongue out at Zelda, who was close to a mental breakdown. "See? I'm still soooooo good!"

At that moment a Random Forest Spider (RFS) wandered over. "G'day mates! I wa—"

Saria screamed like a drunk who had just seen a spider. Which she was, and which she did, so I'm right. Nyer nyer nyer! Ahem. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EVIL AUSTRALIAN SPIDER OF DOOOOOOOOOMMM!" she screamed, and squished it into a sad little spider pancake. She grimaced. "Ewwwwwwwww, now my shoe's all icky!" She threw her shoe into the bushes, where it hit and killed a mouse. But it was an evil mouse, so that was all right.

Zelda smirked. "Who's the murderer NOOOOOWWW?"

"You are."

"…Damn you and your logic."

Navi, who was finally done yelling/kicking BM, flew over. "We ALL happen to be murderers, so I suggest we get out of here as fast as possible and change our identities. I shall be Kiki, Saria will be Lisa and Zelda will be….Chuck. Ok?

"Sure, ok!" said Saria, who was rather fond of the name Kiki.

Zelda pouted. "Why do I have to have a boy's name? I'm not a boy!"

"You sure look like one, though…"

Zelda growled. "SHADDUP!" she screamed, pouncing on Saria. The duo slapped, kicked, punched, scratched, and poked each other for all they were worth. A rather cartoonish cloud of dust formed around them, with arms, legs, and heads occasionally bobbing out of it.

Navi just shrugged and ate some of the leftover chips.

"STOP!" shouted a voice from the bushes. Zelda and Saria continued fighting. It took a lot more then a single word to stop a cat fight.

"CEST AND DESIST! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDERS OF BAMBI'S MOTHER, THUMPER THE RABBIT, BOB THE BIRD, SPEEDY THE TURTLE, BILL THE BIRD, BO THE BIRD, FRED THE BIRD, ROCKO THE RACCOON, (takes deep breath) JOE THE FLYING FISH, STEVE THE AUSTRALIAN SPIDER, AND MS. MEOWZER THE MOUSE! BUT THE LAST ONE DOESN'T REALLY COUNT 'CAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, SHE WAS PRETTY EVIL. ANYTHING YOU SAY OR DO CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN THE COURT OF LAW!

Saria stopped in mid-slap and folded her arms. "…Fudge monkies."

Zelda, on the other hand, took the more dramatic route. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPER! UP YOURS!" she screamed, and fled.

"Wait for it….." said the voice.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zelda came running back "SNNNNNAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Badger badger badger!" replied Saria happily. ((If anyone else gets that, you get a cookie.))

"Good work, Slithers!"

"Thanksssss, bossssssss!" said Slithers (the Snake, duh!) and slithered away into The Twilight Zone…I mean, he just slithered away. Yeah. Erm. Right.

"Ok, put your hands behind you back and close your eyes…" said the voice.

"Ooooo, a surprise! I bet its candy! YAY!" Zelda gleefully put her hands behind her back and closed her eyes, giggling to herself.

"Zelda…?" started Saria, doing likewise.

"Yeeeeeeeeeessss?"

"…Shaddup."

Navi, Zelda, and Saria, with arms/wings behind their backs and eyes closed, waited for the mysterious voice to give them their candies…or whatever it was giving them. Rustling was heard, and the voice came through the bushes to reveal…THE MYSTERY VOICE CAME FROM A BUTTERFLY! WEARING A POLICE HAT! OMFG! THAT'S INTERESTING! PROCESSED CHEESE SHALL RULE THE WORLD! AND MONKIES DO THE HULA!

...ANYWAY, Mr. Police Butterfly fluttered over and handcuffed the criminals. "Okaaayyyy, open your eyes!"

Navi flipped around, then turned bright red and jingled at the sight of who they were captured by. "WHAT? WE WERE PUSHED AROUND BY A BUTERFLY? THIS IS SOOOOOO DEMEANING!"

"Yep! That's the plan!" replied the Butterfly Cop merrily. Navi twitched. A hoard of butterflies came over and led the trio away, much to the annoyance of Navi, blissful ignorance of Zelda, and drunken drunkenness of Saria.

Butterfly Cop looked over the scene, and shook his head sadly. "Someone get a clean-up crew over here, will you? Crikey!"

"Hey, that's my line!" yelled Steve the Australian Spider.

"…Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Oh yeah…Frick." said Steve, and died…again.

..ooOO00OOoo..

Narrator: Next time on Attack of the Chipmunks: Navi turns into a fairy Hannibal Lector, Saria becomes a spokesperson for the Wrapping Paper Industry, Zelda writes the greatest novel of all time, and live from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Aha ha ha! Anyhoo, read (which I'm assuming you just did), review, and tell me if you want a cameo! THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!