The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks

Chapter 5: Plottings at the AdoraJail

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Yup, I've finally updated! Weeee! I sure am unreliable, aren't I? Daaaamn straight.

My most gracious thanks toooo:

Ayekmos: Ha haaaaa! You're in the nut house! Neener neener neeeener! (realizes she's rolled up in a carpet…at the bottom of the river…eating some chocolate) Errr, nevermind…

Japanimeniac: YAY POINTLESSNESS! WEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Lulu56: BADGER BADGER BADGER!

Crank Yanker 606: Since I was reading your profile and it says you speak French, I decided to respond to you in sad language. Merci de la revue. 'Banane' est un mot drôle. Ho ho ho. That's a French laugh, by the way. Ooooh yeah.

Tigerfreako1: (blinks) That's nice…

Wolfy McCloudy: (pokes with a stick) Pokey pokey…SQUEE!

Devil Seifer: Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Author's Note: SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER! DOO DOO DOO DOO DO DOO! Hot shiz! With my 7 extra hours of free time, I'll be updating this a lot more often! Shuweeeeet.

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Last time on Attack of the Chipmunks…

Saria, Navi, and Saria were arrested by the Butterfly Cops for the numerous murders of lovable forest animals…and a flying fish. They were led off and thrown in the horrific, the terrifying, the mind-boggling…AdoraJail. It's like Oz, but a hell of a lot scarier.

"Man, this sucks." muttered Navi, flying around the ceiling light in ragged circles.

"No shiz, Sherlock." came Saria's sour reply as she poured herself another drink from the mini-bar found in the corner of the cell, surrounded by bright Christmas lights, for some reason. (Note: The AdoraJail's view on drunkenness is this: All inmates should be drunk, because drunk people are easier to taser and beat with sticks. Hence the mini-bar and daily beatings. Yeah. Indeed. )

Navi blinked. "But you said I couldn't be Sherlock…"

"Just…Shut up, will you?"

Zelda sat near the door of the cell, banging a metal cup happily against the bars. Where she got the cup is a complete mystery. Saria, eyes glowing slightly red, walked over and smacked her upside the head. "Quiet, honey. Mummy has a hangover and if you don't shut up, Mummy may just have to strangle you. There's a good girl." Giving her a nice pat on the head, the Kokiri slunk off to the corner and poured herself another drink. Zelda blinked several times, then continued banging the metal cup against the bars.

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP, DAMMIT!" A bottle of gin came whistling through the air towards the back of the princess's head. She ducked and it went flying through the bars, landing in a neighboring cell. That was followed by Saria cursing her black little heart out whilst stamping her feet to the ground and the prisoner who had the fortune of receiving the gin being stabbed by his cellmate, who was then stabbed by the third cellmate, Elmo, who then took the gin and got drunk as hell (which, by the way, was the reason he lost his job on Sesame Street after an unfortunate incident with Big Bird, the Grouch, and a sharpened banana).

The moral of the story? Don't piss off a drunk unless you have a lot of booze on hand.

"…And I choose not to listen. Tee hee."

"…I'm going to my happy place now." Saria crawled off and huddled in the corner, muttering to herself.

"Have fuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Zelda said cheerfully.

"Well, this is gonna get really annoying, reaaaaally fast…" said Navi, wishing she had a pointy object to end her suffering. Sadly, she used all of her stock on Bambi's mother. Pity.

Zelda, getting bored with the repitional "clink clink clink", decided to play the "Cheers" theme song. Norm and Cliff started balling their eyes out in the next cell over.

"…I was right." groaned the fairy, smacking her head against the wall. Zelda got out some drumsticks and played a solo across the bars.

"…And it just got worst. Damn my craptacular luck."

One Hour Later

Saria still sat off in the corner, rocking back and forth, her alcohol-laced thumb in her mouth. Navi kept on flying in circles near the lovely pink ceiling, making airplane noises. Zelda had discarded the drumsticks and was playing the "Jeopardy" tune with the metal cup.

"Clink clink clink clink, clink clink clink, clink clink clink clink cliiiinkkkkk cli cli cli clink clink clink clink clink clink, CLINK cli cli cli clink clink clink—"

"CLUNK." Navi wrenched the cup from her hands and smashed it against Zelda's head. She went cross-eyed and toppled over. "…Better?"

Saria withdrew her thumb from her mouth and nodded happily. "Much. Thaaaaank yew!"

"No problem, yo."

"I feel preeeeetty, oh so preeee-"

"Shut up, Zelda." said Saria and Navi simultaneously.

"Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssiwonderifanybodyisstillreadingthissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshi!sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst." pssted a Mysterious Voice. The Gang blinked dumbly.

Saria stuck her head through the adjoining cell and glared at the Mysterious Voice. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" pssted Saria back into the darkness.

"I do believe I've found a way to escape this hellhole, but I'll need your help, old chums..." whispered the Mysterious Voice mysteriously.

"…Are…are you English?" asked Navi, metaphorical eyes alight with hope.

"Nooo…I'm Australian. …Dumbass." replied the Mysterious Voice coldly.

"…Sorry."

"S' okay. Anyway, back on topic. My plan is brilliant. Okay, are you ready for it? Okay, heeeere it is…" And thus the Mysterious Voice, who we shall call Crank Yanker, or CY, harkened the plan to the Usual Gang of Idiots. A few gasps escaped their lips, with cries of "It'll never work!" and "Impossible!" and "Won't somebody please think of the children!" After a few minutes, he finished, with a satisfied smile on his face. "…Ready?"

"READY!"

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"OHMYGAWDTHEPAINTHEHORRIBLEHORRIBLEPAINSOMEONEHELPOHDEARGAWDHELPMEEEARRRRGHHH…"

The guard at the desk sighed, putting down his Gameboy sadly. It was his first week on the job, and already he had to -he shuddered- help a prisoner. It went against his very upbringing! Nevertheless, he had to do his job. Remorsefully he got out of is plush chair and went to see what the problem was.

"THAT'S RIGHT, BLONDIE! FEEL THE BURN! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING BLONDE! MWA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The man hurried down the narrow tunnel, avoiding the clutches of various prisoners. The screams of pain were getting louder now. In fact, they were right around the corner…

He took a deep breath. Bring it on, yo, as the young folk said. Quick as on oversized mouse on steroids, he jumped out from around the bend, wielding his police stick in a haphazard sort of way. "Now, now, what's going on he--" He stopped mid-sentence, eyes widened. "You?"

"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" shouted Saria as she smashed Zelda's face repeatedly into the squishy retro carpet of the cell floor from her perch atop the hot, sweaty princess.

And no, this isn't cheap, lesbian porno, thankyouverymuch.

The green-haired girl, however, stopped as she caught sight of the guard, dropping Zelda's head to the floor. She, too, looked up through blood-stained eyes, squirming uselessly under Saria, and gasped.

"Ganondorf?"

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Authress: Yes, this is the second-shortest chapter so far. Too bad, suckahs! MWA HA HAAA! (flies away on Flying Monkey)

Wolf McCloud: ...WHERE THE HELL'S MY CAMEO!

Authress: Ummm...Next chapter...? Along with Ayekmos, of course...MWAAA! (dissappears)