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Nobody will ever be what you are to me...
.:. insert picture of a crying Adam in the foreground and a distressed
looking Joan in the background in the classroom after mock trial .:.
How can he say that he loves me? How the hell can he just say that as if it will explain everything, as if it will justify what he did? He gave another woman a part of himself, how could he do that when he loved me?
I wonder how long this has been going on. How long has he been feeding me lies? Special projecting, huh? Now I see. The airbrush, his reaction, his irritation, his moodiness, his visit to the bookstore. With a sudden crystal clarity everything falls into place.
Through a mount of tears, in a shaky voice he tells me he just wants to get over this. He wants to get over this? Is he serious? Can he really be that naïve? Like I'm just gonna snap my fingers and say, 'Hey, you know, Adam, it's fine, as long as you don't do it again.'
I always wondered why they call it 'heartbroken'. Your heart can't break, it's not made from any sort of solid, porous material. But now I know, I feel it deep down inside of me. It was like his words had put pliers around my heart and snapped it in two. It feels like it's breaking into a thousand pieces and it just seems impossible that anyone could ever put it back together, least of all him.
He turns around to face me, takes a few tentative steps towards me, as if he's reaching out. No. You don't have the right to touch me anymore. You just gave away that permit, Adam. We're done. It's over.
Adam:
What was I thinking when I believed there was anything I could say that would make her understand, make her forgive me? I realize that with every attempt at explaining, she is slipping further away from me. I can see it in her eyes, in her whole posture that I just dealt her the biggest blow of her life.
What's worse, she never even considered Bonnie and I could go that far. Even now she has more faith in me than I ever deserved. She didn't expect I would actually have sex with anyone other than her. Well, I didn't expect it either, but it kinda just happened. I wish I could find any sort of tangible explanation. But I can't.
She nails it. Hearing me convince myself that what I did was okay. That's what I am doing. That's what makes it worse with every minute, every second, every word that pours from my lips. I wanted to tell her, I wanted that so much. And now I'm losing her anyway. Why didn't I tell her earlier, maybe that would have made a difference?
Tears are streaming down my face, but I don't care. I just wanna get over this. I look at her, plea that she can see how sorry I am, how I would give anything, and I mean anything to make it go away, to take it back. That I would never do it again, that I would make it up to her and love her from the bottom of my sorry, unworthy little heart.
I have hurt her beyond belief. I knew that before, but I didn't realize how bad that was until now. I took her heart and squashed it like a bug beneath the sole of my foot. Fresh tears shoot into my eyes as she tells me that to my face.
I want to gather her up in my arms and tell her that we can work this out, that we can make it past this. But she pulls away before I even reach her. I say her name, the one that only I can call her, the one that means something special to the both of us. But it says so much more than just addressing her, it's a silent plea, a cry for help. But she just ignores it. 'It's over. We're done.' That's what she says before she walks out, tears also fresh in her eyes.