Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Jack let out a groan as his fingers tightened around the duvet which partially covered him, his face contorted in pain and exhaustion. It should be over by now, he thought, when the hell is this going to end?
He had always assumed it would take 16 to 24 hours to get through the worst of the withdrawal, maybe another 10 hours to get completely past the after shock cramps and tremors of pain. But it had been almost two days and he was still encountering the cramps on a regular basis and he hadn't stopped sweating since he arrived.
His grip loosened and a glance at the small compact radio alarm clock on the white bedside table told him he probably had another 25 minutes before the next one hit, 30 if he was lucky. He turned the pillow over clumsily but realised both sides were damp, so he tossed it on the floor and bunched up more of the cover to rest his head on, laid on his side curled up under the thick quilt.
He was hot but the quilt gave him comfort, and it was soft against his body which was stiff and sore all over, thanks to the withdrawal. He tried to find comfort knowing that it was going away, and that 24 hours again he'd been laid in an empty bathtub in his own vomit. It couldn't get that bad again.
The centre was alright, it certainly had a military feel to it in organisation and structure but the place was nicer than he imagined. He had been taken to an office to be formally welcomed on arrival and he and a doctor had planned out how he was going to do this.
He wanted to do it alone for the most part and eventually agreed on a compromise of an hourly check up from the nurse. When she had found him in the tub hyperventilating and babbling to himself in the middle of the night she had changed the plans. She and a male nurse named Joey had cleaned him up before laying him on a gurney type mat on the bathroom floor. It was comfortable enough for him to sleep on and close enough for him to the bathrooms essentials.
Dr. Corry had then checked up on Jack on an hourly basis which Jane stayed with him for round the clock treatment. He didn't object, he wasn't aware of anything at that time other than the pain that coursed through him and the desire he wasn't strong enough to fight.
The following morning he had felt better, strong enough to move back to the bed. He didn't object to Dr. Corry's hourly visits but he did put up a fight with Jane. His arguments were for nothing as she told him it was strict protocol for constant treatment after such incidents. His face had screwed up in anger but he gave in, he was still in pain and craving a fix; and part of him thought he might need the help if the previous night had been anything to go by.
After the 24 hour period had passed he had managed to get rid of Jane, and Corry was checking up on him less and less. He had felt even better than before but was aware of how long the path to recovery was, it would be weeks before he beat the drug, but years before the itch beneath his skin left.
He rubbed a hand through his sweaty hair and let it drop back to his side resting on the mattress, it was all so surreal to be here. He never would have dreamed that he would end up in some clinic for a dirty habit. But then he'd never imagine himself to even experiment with drugs, despite it being necessary for his cover. And he had to admit, he'd never imagine it would feel so good when he took a hit.
He squatted the thought away instantly. He wasn't going back there. He wasn't going to make Corry and Jane's, and Hammond and even Chloe's efforts be for nothing. Hammond had put his as on the line for him, Kim had given him a second chance he knew he didn't deserve, it wasn't going to be for nothing.
He watched as the clock hands slowly ticked by, he was tired but not tired enough to sleep. He didn't like being jolted awake with the pain of a cramp, so fierce it took his breath. He worried about the current cramps and the pain they inflicted; he couldn't begin to imagine the pain he had bee subjected to the previous two nights. When he thought back it was vivid and real and he knew he had been in hell, but he couldn't reconstruct the pain other than knowing it was worse than nothing else; the cramps were now painful even if insignificant to the previous ones. He was scared of going through such pure agony again knowing there was nobody to blame but himself. The fear of the pain alone, he knew, would be enough to keep him clean.
Never mind the humiliation. He hadn't been able to remember much about the night the nurse's found him except the need to take a shower. He guessed he had decided a bath was the next best thing, and had passed about before turning the taps on or getting undressed. Jane had been kind when filling in his missing blanks, making a joke here and there to keep him at ease and limit the damage but it didn't matter. He felt like the sh!t he expected them to treat him as, but they were the ones trying to make him feel better. He didn't deserve there efforts or the efforts of the people, or person, waiting at home for him to get out. He deserved nothing. Or maybe he did, punishment for messing so many things up and hurting so many people.
He closed his eyes in a vain attempt to sleep but knew the thoughts could find him there too, he couldn't hide from them as much as he liked to try. He wanted to call Hammond and see what was happening with Tony. He wondered if Michelle had found his letter, he thought about the look of disgust that would be on her face as she read his words, his lies. They both probably hated him.
He wanted to call Kim, reassure he that her was doing okay, ask about her and Chase and his daughter. What was her name? Would Kim help him raise her? He suddenly felt the urge to call and ask her but knew it was prohibited to call out, and he didn't have a phone to call from either. Would she even want him to call if all he was going to do was pry into her personal life some more? Granted, he was still getting used to the fact that the two were together - hell, he was still getting used to the fact that Kim was 21 and an adult, and that the two were probably in an intimate relationship.
Chase had told him that the relationship was there business and not his, what did that mean? Before Chase came along her business was his, and his hers as they had nobody else. Now she had Chase, where would that leave him when he returned?
He felt his stomach clench again as the feeling of disappointment filled him, he didn't think he had ever felt so vulnerable before. Would he be welcome to see her when he returned, or would they run away from him, the overprotective, interfering nuisance of a father? He closed his eyes as he tried to tell himself it wasn't true, but he knew it was. He hadn't been supportive to Kim before, he'd been selfish earlier when she broke the news. How was he supposed to deal with this?
Kim had Chase. Chase had a daughter. Were they going to be a family together? Would he be welcome in it at all, or would Chase want Jack to stay away, would he make Kim push him away?
He smiled slightly as Jane knocked on the doorframe and popped her head into the room, greeting him cheerfully and making sure he was okay before moving on. He herd her do the same in the room next to his before her footsteps echoed down the hallway before fading completely. He was in a clinic surrounded by strangers. The only person he had didn't need him anymore, but he still needed her.
He felt a single tear roll down his cheek before dissolving onto the duvet, he didn't think he'd ever felt so alone before.