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Someplace, you still feel that way...

.:. insert picture of Joan leaning on OldLady-God's shoulder in the bus with tears in her eyes .:.

Joan:

I can't leave the classroom fast enough because I can't take another look at his face. His eyes, his demeanor, his words, his everything seemed to want to tell me that he is sorry for what he did. No, no way he can really be sorry now, can apologize now. He should have thought about this before he went to fuck Bonnie. And how can he even think that I would be able to forgive him that? Ever?

All of this shoots through my brain as I tell him that it's over, turn around and leave as fast as I can. It's like my brain is on overload, while at the same time I feel like everything is happening in slow motion. I push open the door to the school hallway and barely even realize Grace and Luke standing there. Their glances graze me, but I don't really notice, nor care. I wipe at my cheeks to eliminate any traces of my being affected by Adam's confession. I should have been stronger than this, somehow I hate myself for being so weak when it comes to Adam Rove.

I walk, almost run along the hallway. Anything to get out of here, leave it all behind, escape it all. I walk to the bus stop. I just wanna go home. Curl up in my bed and forget this day ever happened. The bus approaches the bus stop almost at the same time as I do. 'How ironic,' I muse, 'That this seems to be perfect timing, when everything else about this days was way, way off.'

I get in, pay the fare and see a familiar old lady sitting in one of the seats, the one next to her vacant. I stop for a second, something inside of me screaming at me to ignore Her, something stabbing painfully at my heart for Her not being there when I needed Her, Him, whatever. But I want answers too, so I sit down next to Her.

I confront Her why She knew and didn't tell me. She says She doesn't interfere. Then what is giving me Her assignments? Is that not interfering? Yeah, right, She always goes on about free will. That I am free to do with Her assignments what I want. When was it that I last believed in good ripples? Nowadays it seems like all that comes out of it are bad ones, tainted ones. Shockwaves that are destroying everything in their path. I feel another one slowly subsiding, leaving only mayhem and ruin in its wake.

If there ever is a time I want answers on why things happen the way they do, it is now. I am yearning for something, anything that will logically explain Adam's actions. Something that will make me believe in him again, something that will account for him betraying me, something that will clear away all the confusion in my head and bring order to the chaos and mess that my life has been turned into today. I just know that She won't be providing them. I ask anyway.

Anger creeps up in me when She is habitually vague, giving me not answers but philosophical ramblings about being alive and pain and loving. Yeah, right. If being alive means feeling this way, then I don't see why I would want to be alive. Maybe this is all a big game, maybe none of this is real. Screw the ripples, screw the assignments, screw You! I tell her that perhaps there is no right and wrong, that humans are all animals who take what they want without looking back. Because Adam certainly didn't look back.

She explains to me about innocence. That it's more than an absence of guilt. That it's having faith that there's goodness in the face of cruelty and pain. I feel Her arms wrapping around me, Her saying that She'll always be there, no matter what. I feel a tiny speck of my faith being restored at hearing these words that make me realize She's right. I rest my head on her shoulder and cry.