Jack shook the upturned envelope for a few slow seconds as its contents drifted through the air onto the crisp white bed sheets. He flipped it back upright and cautiously peered inside it, making sure it was empty. He purposely averted his eyes from whatever lay on the bed as he did so, postponing the inevitable, he knew, out of fear.
He folded the envelope neatly and tossed it aside. No more distractions were available. His hands were shaking as he chewed on a fingernail before he gave a nervous laugh. This was ridiculous, how could something so small have such a significant impact on his frame of mind and future? He told himself that it didn't matter what was there, whatever it was he would deal with it. Good or bad, he thought confidently, he would deal with it - he had to.
He slowed his breathing and took a hesitant look at what lay on the bed before him. 3 differently sized envelopes were scattered over one another, each of this plain, each of them opened. For a moment he smiled to himself as he saw the way they had been opened. Neatly, probably with a letter opener. Jane struck him as somebody who would open her mail with care, just in case something precious lay inside. The contrast with the way he would rip his open in a hurry, sometimes tearing the letter itself, made him laugh as the nerves filtered away.
Still he frowned with curiosity as he softly fingered the paper, did this mean three people have written to him? Other than Kim, who else would feel the need to contact him?
Deciding he had done enough wondering he grasped on of the items and pulled its contents out, ruffling the paper as he did so clumsily. He unfolded the paper and was greeted with a blue handwritten scrawl which he didn't recognise. He scanned to the bottom of the page where it read, "Michelle," as she had signed off.
He read the name again before dropping the paper and moving back against the headboard, he hadn't read any of her words other than her name. He felt the hair on his arms start to stand up as his thoughts plunged him back into that day. He easily recalled how he had given Michelle up, sacrificed her, then her husband too; the images of Tony's desperation filtered his senses and he recalled the parallel to his own nightmare.
He felt the guilt of Tony's future, but he also felt the bitterness take hold of him. Michelle had survived, why hadn't Terri? Why couldn't he be punished, like Tony, but his family survive and live on? He felt bad for his hand in Tony's arrest, but he was jealous too, Tony hadn't lost everything, as he had.
Jack closed his eyes as his emotions took over him until he tried to take back control of himself, he was getting worked up and quickly going into a panic. It took a moment to straighten himself out as he realised that he shouldn't feel sorry for himself. Despite Michelle's safety, he had still put her at risk, he had still destroyed there futures. He wouldn't let himself off because of his similar past; he would still judge himself. He deserved nothing more.
As he calmed himself down to a normal state he tried to look at this logically. Michelle was smart but also a respectable and strong woman. She wouldn't write to somebody to throw accusations of insults. No, he thought with a smile, she would do that to their face. So what did her letter say?
He remained composed as he read the body of the letter, it was like he was looking through a cloudy window or foggy air. At times he felt as though the words were meant for somebody else. He had read it through three times before he started to accept that her words were for him, and he felt regret when her words made a smile flicker across his face.
She had apologised to him twice throughout the letter, for not getting to see him before he left and for never knowing about the addiction at all. He was aghast at her confession to him, why should anybody apologise, or feel bad for him? He sensed guilt in her words as she told him she should have known about his problem, she was supposed to be his friend. He smiled as he read her review of their friendship, and he realised how right she was - she was a good friend and more importantly, somebody he could trust.
She concluded the letter with a promise to him, that she would be there for him no matter what and would stand by him when he returned home. He smiled gratefully as he dropped the letter, she was probably the only person at CTU he considered a friend before a colleague. Something, he also knew, which had helped widen the gap between himself and Tony.
The smile was shattered as he thought about him, he hadn't been mentioned once in the letter, was that good or bad, what did it mean? Was she purposely avoiding it? Was there friendship already strained, he thought? - as the good mood she had created inside of him slowly slipped away.
He knew he deserved the loss of there friendship, if he had been a real friend he wouldn't have willingly out her in danger; and he would have saved Tony. They might not have always seen eye to eye but they respected each other the way no other co-workers could ever understand. Tony too, would have every reason to blame him for what had happened.
He started to shake as he thought about the two, they had had everything he had lost with one an other, and he had destroyed it. How could he live with himself, knowing he had inflicted his own horror and pain onto them, his friends of all people?
PLEASE REVIEW!