In between this
Am I gonna find a way
To defeat this
Living inside yesterday
I'm alive but I think it's time to live
Like I am
Jack lay on his side staring up at the ceiling as his thoughts meandered on through his mind. They lingered on his future, he still felt apprehensive about his return to the real world but at the same time embraced the idea of being back in normality. He had the support of Dr. Hart and a few close people, so there shouldn't be any real problem.
He anticipated the high odds that he would at some point be down again, low in himself; but he was confident in his abilities to seek help rather than burry the problem within himself. He had done that before and look where it got him. Besides, he doubted things could ever get so bad again, or that he himself could ever become so desperate and needy again - being weak wasn't part of his plan of the future.
He would return to CTU and continue to serve his country, save lies. His job was waiting for him, he had been told, and so he would gratefully take up the position once more. At times he had blamed the job for destroying him and he knew it was true to an extent. But since he had began to analyse his thoughts with Dr. Heart he had made a new discovery; CTU had also saved him.
When he had sought out the drug he had nothing. Nothing, that was, other than CTU and a desire to work. In his state of mind he had nothing else, he withdrew from his daughter in fear of her seeing through him, he pushed her and everybody away once more. But he continued to work, as though he could get redemption for his sins by trying to do good, make things right for his own failings.
He had explained his realisation to Hart during the days session and had been pleased with the doctors response. As they spoke the older man occasionally cut in to praise Jack not only on his ability to think and rationalise, but also to view the events objectively. He had criticised and blamed himself for everything for a long, long time and the guilt played a key role in his heroin addiction. When the doctor suggested looking at things from the view of an outsider he had laughed. How could an outsider understand, or feel the repercussions somebody directly could?
They couldn't, which had been Harts whole point. It took a while for him to accept the theory, then to try it out. The more they worked with it the more he was able to accept it, and then himself. He still felt guilt but it was no longer overwhelming. Hart had assured him that was his morality kicking in, and that it wasn't right to feel nothing in the same way it was wrong to feel responsible for ever direct and indirect casualty as a result of his actions, or actions he was unable to prevent.
Jack had let a smile creep across his face as he listened, thinking that maybe he had a chance. He was still hesitant but the more he thought about what Hart had said, the better he began to feel about himself. Of course he would always feel responsible for the death and destruction he had played a part in, but he now realised other had played roles in his failings too, it couldn't all be down to him.
He accepted that he wasn't directly responsible for the Chandler Plaza Hotel incident. Yes, he left Saunders behind, but he wasn't aware of that, and he never ordered the man there. It wasn't his fault the man was bitter at America and wanted to wreak havoc. Then there was Alvers and Amadors involvement too, along with the other men involved in the threat of the Cordial Virus.
Yes, he should have done more to get the information faster and maybe he could have prevented the outbreak. But he couldn't control it all, he couldn't prevent Gael from being found out or Tony's gun shot wound which had slowed there plans down. Those things happened and were beyond his control. Life, Hart had told him, was often beyond his control.
The words had sounded alien to him at first, but now, as he slowly drifted to sleep, he liked the sound of them. He liked the sound of them a lot, he thought, as another sleepy smile drifted over his face.