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What was I supposed to say? Seto Kaiba raped me. I wasn't even sure about that but it slowly dawned on me. He had sex with me against my will, wasn't that rape? He had hurt me, my body and soul. It still pained me, not my body but my soul. I couldn't tell anyone right now.
The words he had said to me still rang in my mind.
You don't know what pain is, Serenity.
I thought I knew but he was right, I didn't know what pain is. And I didn't know what pain he was in because of me.
I have you here and I don't.
It's like your body is here with me but your soul is elsewhere.
That was true as well. My mind often was far from him, back in the days I was traveling around the world. I was thinking he didn't notice but he did. Of course, he wasn't stupid, after all.
That's pain.
I had hurt him as well. It took me more than one day to finally realize. My depressed self had hurt him every single day but he took it without complaining about me. He tried everything to make me feel good. Unfortunately that wasn't enough.
That evening, when I was to leave for that stupid discussion, I just pulled the straw that triggered all the anger that had built up inside of him. Pain was the cause but it used to result in anger with Seto, always.
I knew it was my entire fault.
Seto loved me but I disappointed him. Of course, there was no way excusing rape with being hurt but I wanted to understand his reasons and after three days of hanging around my room in Joey's apartment and missing my study I finally decided to go and face Seto. I hadn't told Joey about what had happened and I wouldn't want to, even if he begged me almost every day. I left him to think we had a simple row and when I told him I was going to see Seto, he even nodded understandingly.
I hope you can sort this out.
That was what Joey was telling me when I left. How was I to know that I wouldn't have a chance to? With hope but skeptic as well I took the bus to the south of Domino, walking up the path that led to the Kaiba mansion. I remembered the day I was here the first time. The day I threw that stone.
You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Involving with me could mean anything.
Seto had said those words at the beginning of our 'involvement'. Maybe that day he had already known that we would cause each other pain. Then again, not even he was sure about what he had meant. It was a feeling he had and it seemed like it had been truthful.
When I entered the hall everything seemed empty. It was silent, very silent. No one from the staff was around, no maid, nothing. I wondered if Seto was even at home. I wandered upwards, lightly touching the railing of the staircase. My heart beat fast and heavy but I can't say whether I was just nervous or scared. The living room was empty, as well as the kitchen, where Seto wasn't used to be often anyway. My breaths came in short puffs when my hand reached for the handle of the bedroom's door.
Slowly it opened and I shuddered looking inside. I could almost see me lying there on that bed that had probably been made neatly by one of the maids. Nevertheless I had pictures in my mind of Seto being on top of me, there. I was somehow glad he wasn't in the room. My body felt numb staring at the bed I used to share with him. The bed we had made love for the first time. I couldn't tear my gaze away.
Until a loud bang penetrated my ears. Startled I held my hand to my chest and took a deep breath before running down the corridor to where Seto's office was. I don't know why I knew the bang was coming from there. I just knew and a strange uncomfortable feeling was accompanying me. I stopped at the door. The silence had taken over again and it scared me slightly. Then I turned the door knob and entered the room.
The sight meeting me was shattering my whole self with one gaze. I was screaming, crying, but I wasn't heard.
Not to me at least.
In the end someone must have heard me though. The official police report read that Seto Kaiba must have committed suicide at around 6.30 pm, the time I was standing in our bedroom. If I had been faster, earlier or had looked in his office all above anything else, he would probably still be alive. Instead, while I was staring at that stupid bed of his, he was stuffing a bloody shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
I don't remember much from then on. My mind still just shows off single pictures, a man in a black suit showing off his police ID, the blood drenched carpet beneath Seto, his lifeless body in that chair with his head dangling backwards, my brother who soothingly stroked my back, a maid talking to one of the police officers, Mokuba fighting against the officers.
Mokuba was screaming, shouting and crying but I couldn't hear any noise around me as if I was deaf. I could see him struggle against the police officers who were shielding him and stopping the torn brother to go to his lost pride of a big brother and only family he had ever known. I remember that one second our looks met and what I could see in his eyes still sends shivers down my spine. I could feel his pain.
After I don't know how long I found myself sitting on the sofa next to Joey when a police officer approached us.
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Flashback
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"Ms. Wheeler?"
Serenity forced her eyes to look at the officer.
"There has been found a letter addressed to you and Mokuba Kaiba. Probably a farewell letter. If you want to follow me, you can read it."
The woman nodded mindlessly and followed the man into the kitchen where Mokuba Kaiba was sitting and reading the letter with an unreadable expression of numbness.
"Ms. Wheeler, I've already told Mr. Kaiba that of course, we're not allowed to read the letter but if you see anything suspicious, like something indicating a crime, I'm asking you to tell us."
Again Serenity just nodded, her eyes already been fixed on the letter. When Mokuba slowly dropped it he didn't look into her eyes. He just lifted the sheet of paper for her to reach. She took it with no hesitation.
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End of flashback
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I can't remember exactly what Seto had been written. It started with that he didn't want to write that bloody letter but it would be necessary and went on with apologizing to Mokuba. He begged his little brother for forgiveness and ended with the hope of Mokuba being grown up and able to live without him. Then my part should follow. Some sentences are still completely saved in my mind.
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.
The guilt I'm feeling is too much to bear.
No one should be allowed living who's done the things I've done.
Don't waste your life.
All I want for you is to become happy.
You can't become happy with me anymore.
Probably there had been even more but those sentences I clearly remember. After reading the letter I broke finally down. A police psychiatrist was to stand by my side and afterwards I should attend a therapy even. I did it for Joey but I've never ever told anyone about what had happened the last time I had seen Seto Kaiba, alive.
The therapy had helped me though. The more hours I spend with the psychiatrist the more it finally dawned on me what I couldn't believe at first. Seto had taken away his own life because of the guilt about his rape on me. He had certainly caused me pain but I would never have thought he'd go so far than to commit suicide. Still, sometimes, I can hardly believe it.
His soul was broken from the beginning but I tore it into thousands of tiny pieces, drove him insane and finally made him shot himself.
This is guilt what I have to live with.
If I was not to know what pain is, then certainly Seto Kaiba wasn't to know what guilt is. But I was a weak person who was used drowning in self-pity. And I had always been a positive person who had been thinking there was always a way that lightened things up again. The day of Seto's funeral should be my light and my darkness at the same time.
Seto was bedded in red velvet within the pitch black wooden coffin. He didn't look bad. He looked as if he was sleeping. If I hadn't seen him that day in his office with that huge ugly hole at the back of his head, I would probably not have that much problems shutting the picture out of my head. His face was pale, even paler than it had been before death. He was dressed in the white suit he should wear at our wedding. Odd, I know. But the people had done a good job so far if they hadn't combed his hair quite unlike him to the side.
The priest's speech went on and on but he didn't really mention anything important. He started with speaking about Seto's passion of Duel Monsters and how he once was World Champion; going on with the good things he did as the president of a multimillion concern, the Kaiba Corporation that had given the people game utilities and amusement parks all over the world. Praised also was Seto's high intelligence, creating new technique and virtual games, and then finally, Mokuba was mentioned and Seto's grand heart and love for his younger brother and only family.
I was mentioned in between with one sentence, that Seto left a lovely fiancée behind. I didn't care for myself anyway but for the things they've missed out about him. That rich character with the broken soul full of unknown feelings to everyone but his loved ones. Quite sad no one knew. All of his 'friends' were attending his funeral, too. Yugi, Tea, Tristan and the rest of that bunch as well as even Pegasus. But they knew nothing about Seto Kaiba, actually.
Joey was on my side and soothingly stroked my back, time after time, but actually I could have strangled him. No one should soothe me. Because of me there was a man lying in a coffin and I was the last person someone should think of with sympathy. My tears were running down my cheeks throughout the whole speech and I just couldn't stop them. The broken fiancée, so the people must have thought, but hell, I cried over my own guilt.
The only one who wasn't sorry for me was Mokuba. He avoided me completely but whenever he had no choice but to look at me, he rather glared deathly. I completely understand that he's blaming me for the death of his brother. The guy must have been torn. He had no one to turn to after all. I had Joey but didn't deserve him. Mokuba was alone now because of me. Thankfully, he had a fewer stubborn soul and let himself got soothed by people like Tea. But she wasn't Seto and no one could ever replace him.
Funerals are odd. I never attended one before in my life but I have seen some in movies. Seto's funeral was held in his own mansion. I never really knew he had such a big ball room like hall. I never really used the time at his home inspecting his mansion, anyway. However, the oddness of funerals comes from the fact that the dead body within its coffin is standing even after the speeches in a room for the people to come and show their grief.
I sat on a chair and watched the different people go by Seto's dead body, some of them stood, some of them even talked in front of him. Most of them were the closest to him than ever before in their pathetic lives. I had been waiting for dinner time, so that most of the guests were occupied, before I finally went to say goodbye to Seto.
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Flashback
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Serenity slowly walked to the open coffin where Seto was bedded in and touched lightly the wooden frame. A small warm smile appeared on her face even though hot tears were still running down her cold cheeks. She thought of words to tell but knowing he wouldn't hear them anyway, there seemed nothing adequate to say, as sad as it was.
"Seto…" She whispered when her trembling hand reached out to touch his face ever so lightly and careful.
Her fingers traced across his cheek that was cold, very cold, and her thumb brushed across his chin. Blinking away more tears she reached with the same hand into her pocket and took out the neck chain that she had taken with her the morning after she had spent the night with him for Marik and herself. Slowly she let it drop down on him in front of his neatly placed hands on his stomach.
"It's yours. I'm sorry I've taken it." Her whispering voice was quivering and she put her hands on the sides of the coffin again.
"I don't deserve this." Serenity was talking about him committing suicide because of her.
The tears suddenly became unstoppable and ran down mercilessly, making her view completely blurry. Her legs seemed to shake and she expected them to give away any second. The moment they did, she wasn't prepared for someone catching her.
Joey.
"Serenity!" He cried out when he caught her and tried to lift her back up.
"Joey," she said in surprise but thankful. "Can you please bring me outside? I need air."
Joey nodded and helped her outside where she was to sit down on a chair in the garden. Even there were people and maids serving them food and drinks but she shut them out. After a while Tristan came along and told her his grief. She simply nodded, thankful when finally everyone was leaving her alone. Of course, she had to ask them to but they obeyed.
It was an evening like the one when she was at the Kaiba mansion for the first time. Closing her eyes she tried to shut out the memories in her confused mind. It seemed so full and she couldn't think anymore. Yet it was empty and lonely. She sighed and stood up to walk to a stand where some drinks had been placed and grabbed a glass of water that soothingly went down her throat.
"Serenity?"
The woman couldn't believe her ears when she heard that voice and when she turned to face the person calling her, she almost couldn't believe her eyes.
"Marik." She said in a surprised breath. "You're here."
The fact wasn't to ignore. Marik took a deep breath.
"Well, my sister Ishizu, you know her, she was to go here and… Odion's here too… and therefore…" Then he sighed sadly. "I know I should probably not have come here. I was the last person he had wanted to see. I can't blame anyone."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. You show your grief, that's good." Serenity tried to make him feel better. Actually she was glad to see him, wherever this might have been.
Marik slightly snorted.
"Mokuba glares at me every time he sees me. I bet he would like to stab me right away." He replied and his gaze shifted down to the glass of water in his hand.
"That makes two of us."
Marik hadn't expected that answer and his eyes darted upwards again, meeting Serenity's sad big hazel eyes. She smiled sadly.
"What about if we go for a walk? Would you accompany me, Marik? I really need to escape all these people for a while."
Slowly but certain he nodded to her reply and they started to walk to the back yard that was behind the huge mansion. It was like a little forest but belonged still to the Kaibas. Serenity had been there a few times before, most of the time she was alone. Seto didn't like the garden and was busy with work anyway. It had been just too pretty to ignore for her.
"I'm sorry, Serenity, I mean Kaiba… well, doing that." Marik wanted to tell her his grief.
"Thank you." She replied in merely a whisper.
"You've seen him, haven't you? It must have been awful." He was so sorry for her and it pained him seeing her torn like that.
Marik had no clue why Kaiba would ever do such thing as to shoot himself and he couldn't imagine why in the world anyone would ever do that to a lovely girl like Serenity. The only reason he could think of was Kaiba's work. Everything had based on business in Kaiba's life and whatever must have gone wrong, had caused him to kill himself.
"I found him." A cold hoarse answer came out of the woman's mouth before she turned to face Marik. "Can we please talk about something else? Anything."
"Yes, of course." He nodded and wondered how he could be so stupid than to even ask her about her painful experience.
"How's work? Anything new and interesting for me to see in the museum?"
"Actually, yes. Ishizu has brought many new sculptures and stone walls from Egypt. The exhibition starts next month. I'd be glad seeing you there. That is, if you're still interested?"
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End of flashback
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Seto had wished me to become happy, hadn't he? I had been happy with Marik and to no one's surprise I found myself in the exhibition of his the next month. Things came how things had to come and we were back together. I needed comfort and was lonely. Joey mothering me was getting on my nerves but alone, I didn't want to be. In very short time I moved back in with Marik. His new apartment was somehow different to ours had been but I didn't care. As long as a warm body was next to me in the cold bed I was happy.
I thought I was. My secret keeping with me Marik had no clue what had happened between me and Seto before he died. That was none of Marik's business I thought, though it was hard not to tell him the cause of my own changes. He probably reasoned my behavior coming from grief. He was very understanding when it came to Seto and the grief I should have felt.
Marik never mentioned Seto, though. He didn't dare asking and I was glad. It would probably have been better to tell him if we were to live a proper and happy relationship. I just couldn't talk about it. He once or twice dared to ask a question, like if I was to know the reason for Seto's suicide but he asked wrong, asked if it had been because of his work. I simply nodded, that was much easier than to tell the truth.
Seto's farewell letter was in Mokuba's property and even if I wished sometimes to read it once again, I wasn't able to ask the raven haired man who once liked me very much. But I tried to keep his words saved in my mind, even though I was back with Marik. Every Sunday morning I was going for a walk to the gates of the Kaiba residence where I wasn't allowed in anymore. Unfortunately Seto's grave, having been a rich man, was on his ground, his property and I couldn't even visit his grave once from the day on of his funeral. That was the one time I saw the gray stone showing how young he had died, just at the age of twenty-seven. Mokuba had ordered to imprint a small dragon above the letters showing Seto Kaiba.
Nevertheless, I often thought about Seto and this time I wasn't strong enough blocking those thoughts from out of my mind, even if I tried. It all started being back with Marik. Every day I had to face pictures in my mind. I don't know where they had come from so suddenly. I never really remembered them during the time with Seto but now that he wasn't in this world anymore, I saw details I had forgotten.
On Christmas day Seto had been sitting on his red carpet with an amused smile playing on his lips when Mokuba and I were unwrapping gifts.
How could I forget that?
My first flight with the Dragon-Jet had been on Seto's lap when I was too scared sitting behind him on the passenger's seat which he had taken with utter confusion but later, when we were flying, he had a proper smile on his face.
How could I forget the cute dimples showing when he smiled that full and rich but rare smile just for me to see?
On a sunny and cold winter's day we stayed in bed, too lazy standing up, we were talking about our ex lovers and I told him about Tristan who had been my boyfriend but wasn't allowed going any further than to kiss me which Seto had taken with a trademark smirk.
How could I forget about being his pride?
On his birthday he drowned his cell phone into a glass of water because he wanted to be left in peace, only having his loved ones around: Mokuba and I.
How could I forget his selfishness, which could only be vanished and banned by people as me?
One day I crashed his car at an accident with a man driving by rules and though it was entirely my own fault, he shrugged it off and gave the poor man a lecture he wouldn't forget.
How could I forget his stubborn nature and perfectionism?
I had forgotten such as these things throughout our 'second' relationship and even before, when I was cheating on him with Marik. More and more guilt filled my emotions up to their maximum with every new day. I knew I had done so much mistakes and I didn't know where to start if I wanted to count them. I regretted so damn much that the pain got too much to bear.
I regret throwing that stone that caused both of us coming together.
I regret telling Seto that I loved him that caused me to get involved with him.
I regret cheating on him that caused me leaving him.
I regret leaving him that caused him pain and being all alone.
I regret spending the night with Seto when I was together with Marik that caused me to realize that I still loved Seto.
I regret telling Marik about the night that caused him to leave me.
I regret going back to Seto that caused him to become mad by every day he had to cope with me.
I regret almost anything but not to have loved him.
I still do and I miss him.
I want to be with him again.
Marik is such a dear and I love him and his faithful soul. He has a hard time to cope with me and my depressive nature but sometimes I wonder if he even takes notice of that. Merely five weeks ago he asked me to become his wife. He had taken me out for dinner and had given me a wonderful silver ring with the request of marrying him. I smiled and said yes. Later, that night, I couldn't sleep. I stood up while Marik was sleeping and went into the bathroom.
I needed to pull off that ring as if it was burning my skin. Of course, I had to put it back on and reluctantly I did. Five weeks to think about the reason for my allergy against his ring and it finally dawned on me. It wasn't a real allergy, the ring wasn't too small, nor was it too big. It fit my finger perfectly.
It just doesn't belong there.
Today I have taken it off and I don't even want to look at it, there lying on the sink while I'm bathing my guilt filled body. Just one more day to our wedding and while Marik is out with friends I wanted to stay here in our apartment and take a soothing hot bath out of good reasons.
I can't become Mrs. Marik Ishtar.
I should have become Mrs. Seto Kaiba and I will. How that should happen lies beneath the surface of our minds, in my own possession.
Maybe I should have told Joey that I was sorry but I'm not even worth the letters on the paper if I wrote a letter, though he'd certainly deserve it.
Of course, I want Marik to become happy and he deserves to know my reasons as well but I want him to find out himself. He had always found answers, even if no one ever told him, and he would find his answers again.
The blade is glistening with its shiny metallic material. I can see myself mirroring in it but the picture's distorted, just like my original soul. But it will be like it has been before. I will be happy and I will be thankful and I will make it better.
Together with Seto.
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End of chapter five.