Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Warnings: Again, mentions of child abuse. If you don't like don't read.
Chapter 10: Grief
Haldir sighed and sat back down in the chair as his brother's left. As much as he hated to admit it Orophin was right. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to help the poor girl or not. He closed his eyes his mind reviewing the scars and bruises that covered her skin and shuddered slightly. 'Patience. . just have patience.' He told himself. Though the doubts still gnawed at him.
His only experience with children was when his brothers were smaller than he was. Even that was long, long ago and another was there for the parental duties. He only helped; he had never been responsible for a young life. At least not a life as young as the girl currently in the other room. The only ones he was responsible for were the soldiers under him, but all of them were trained and capable on their own. Zinnia was obviously not.
Thinking over everything he did not know what to change in his treatment of her. She steadfastly refused to believe that she was anything other than a slave. 'How am I to change her mind?' He thought sadly looking back to the bedroom door. He heard movement though it was muffled and sighed again. The truth was he had no experience with this situation. 'The lady believes I can handle this child. She would have spoken at the dinner otherwise.'
He stood and cleared away the final dishes remaining, putting them on the tray to take back to the kitchens. 'Perhaps she would care for a walk.' He thought with a smile. 'Regardless she will go with me.' Deciding on his course of action he went back to retrieve the child.
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'Stupid knife.' She thought as she stretched a little more. Her fingers still just bumping the bit of blade available to her. 'It would be so much easier if I was just a little taller. Or if I had Alar to help me.' Sadness washed over her remembering her brother and she gritted her teeth. 'I'll be with you soon and then we can run in the fields again. You liked that.' She sighed and pulled her hand up on the shelf to pull herself up just a little more.
"Come on!" She was getting annoyed, her fingers sliding over the cool metal of the blade. The knife spun as she tried to grab it and she let out a frustrated sound. The knife stilled and she grinned triumphantly when the handle moved even more over the edge for her to grab.
What in Arda are you doing! She jumped violently at the voice hitting the bookcase and causing the blade to teeter dangerously above her. Before she could say anything he pulled her to him forcibly a hiss of air escaping him. She heard a loud 'thunk' before she was put on the bed Haldir still holding on to her forearms. "Are you hurt?" His hands moved over her arms as if looking for an injury. Her eyes grew wide when she saw the large gash on his forearm from where the knife had cut him. "Are you injured aier?," he asked urgently feeling her start to shake. She only looked to him her eyes wide and filled with fear.
"What were you trying to accomplish?," he asked forcibly his shock and fear turning into anger. "Were you trying to hurt yourself? I told you not to touch the weapons!" He stood and went over to the dagger pulling it out of the floor. "Tell me why you endangered yourself." He had no idea how intimidating he was standing there anger in his eyes and a knife in his hand. Even if the anger was mostly directed at himself for leaving her unsupervised, and the knife in his hand harmless to everyone in that room.
"Answer me Zinnia." His voice was calm but his eyes anything but. "You could have been seriously hurt." She only kept staring at him and blinked. He looked around the room and saw it a mess before looking back to the child on his bed. "Tell me your reasoning for this." He gestured to the room before putting the knife back on the stand seemingly noticing his wound for the first time. He frowned when he realized it would need stitches.
"Answer me," he said again walking to Zinnia. She flinched as he walked forward but then held her head up closing her eyes. He stood still watching her. Seeing her prepare for the strike that she obviously thought she was going to get. He frowned even more realizing he had scared her. "I will not hit you." He ran his fingertips across her cheek in a gentle touch.
"You have to!" She jerked away from him.
"I will not.".
"no. No. NO!" She shouted at him. "You have to! I was bad and. . and I ripped my dress and then touched the knife. You have to hit me for it to work!" She looked at him her eyes radiating anger.
"For what to work?"
"So I can go with Alar!," she screamed. "You have to hit me because I angered you. I did enough to anger you I saw it. You have to hit me, and then maybe you'll hit me enough that I can go with Alar." Haldir bowed his head closing his eyes at her reasoning.
"That will not happen."
"Fine," she said moving across the bed before he could stop her. "What else do I have to do?" She grabbed one of the tunics and threw it out of the open window. "What else do I have to break? I made you hurt yourself that has to be enough!" She stomped her foot in a childish display of temper.
"Calm aier."
"NO! I want to go with Alar!" She immediately broke down crying and he went to her. "Don't!" She backed away from his outstretched hand. He stilled and looked to her not knowing what to do. Seeing his hesitation she backed up against the wall then slid to the floor pulling her knees to her chest still sobbing.
"Zinnia. . . I do not know how to help you," he said moving down so he was sitting in front of her.
"Let me go with Alar!," she screamed at him. "You were the one that took me away from him. You were the one that made me leave him!" He reflexively leaned back when she jumped forward and started hitting him on his chest. Gently grabbing her arms he held her letting her struggle but not allowing her to hit him. "He never did anything bad, why did he go away?"
"Is that what you think?," asked Haldir softly her struggles lessening. "He did nothing bad aier. He was not being punished."
"Master punished him because of me. Because I was bad. I killed him." She started struggling against him again but he pulled her closer still giving room for her to pull away should she wish it.
"You did not. You had no fault in your brother's death. You could not have stopped it. It was not of your doing."
"I was supposed to watch him. I was supposed to protect him. I failed, I failed."
"You could not have done anything else." He pulled her closer. She went with him and moved on his lap curling her hands around his tunic and pressing her face into his chest. "You are but a child aier. Do not blame yourself. You did no wrong. You have done no wrong." He let her go only to move his arms around her in a proper embrace. "None of your actions led to the death of your brother. You did not cause it, you did not make it happen." He started rocking her softly as her sobs started to die down.
"I want my brother. I want him back. Can we go get him?" Haldir closed his eyes and moved his hand up to her head his fingers starting to sift through her hair.
"He can not come back Zinnia. Alar is dead, he will not return."
"He's with the stars. Why can't he come back? I miss him and I'll be really good if we can go get him. I promise."
"His body has stopped working aier." Haldir started rubbing circles on his back careful not to use too much pressure on her wounds. "There is no way for him to return, and nothing that can help him to do so."
"No. . no I want him back he has to come back to me." She started to struggle with him again. He loosened his grip on her so she could move away from him if she wanted. "Please, I'll be good." She looked up to him her tears spilling down her cheeks. Her eyes were filled with such pain and desperate hope that he felt his own tears falling.
"If I had that power I would. I do not, none does. Your brother is gone. He can not come back. Nothing can make him return." He wiped the tears from her cheeks more falling to replace them. "Aier you must understand that you being good or bad has no bearing on the matter. He will never return. Alar is dead. Death is permanent, it is final for mortals."
"You're lying!," she screeched and tried to hit him again.
"I am not," he said holding her hands. "I would never lie to you. That I can give you aier. I promise to never tell you anything but truth."
"I don't care. I don't care. I want my brother." She started crying again and went limp in his arms.
"I can not give him back to you." He pulled her closer to him resting his forehead on the top of her head closing his eyes. "How I wish I could aier." She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck trying to get even closer. He moved to pick her up and winced as he put pressure on his cut. Looking down and saw it was still bleeding, a large patch of his sleeve already soaked.
"Do you." She hiccuped unable to speak. "Do you hate me now?"
"No," he said automatically. "Never."
"But . . but the clothes. And . . and I made you get cut." She was still trying to steady her breathing and he pulled her back to look at her.
"Zinnia, I will admit that your behavior has me worried. Worried for you. You could have been seriously injured. It is why I did not wish for you to touch my weapons. They are dangerous, much too dangerous to be handled without training." He brushed some hair out of her face. "It is your behavior not you that brought my anger."
"I wanted to make you angry." He sighed knowing her reasons.
"Yes," he said. "Though the anger you provoked was at myself not at you. I should not have left you alone as of yet." He adjusted his grip on her and stood in a fluid motion. "We must go to the healers."
"I'm sorry you got hurt," she said sniffing slightly.
"I know such aier. In the future you must think of these things. All of your actions have consequences. Had I not pulled you away you could have been seriously injured." He smiled gently at her as she looked to him. "You must be mindful of your choices."
"How can you not be mad at me?," she asked confused resting her head on his shoulder as he started to walk.
"I understand things that perhaps you can not grasp yet. You are young, you must learn how to behave." 'Unfortunately you have learned the wrong way.' He thought.
"You didn't teach me," she said quietly. "You need to hit me so I can learn." He grimaced hearing that thought from her, knowing she believed it as truth.
"No child should ever be struck out of anger or anything else. Violence does not help one to learn, it helps one to fear."
"To learn to do the right thing so you won't be in pain for doing the wrong thing."
"It does not help you to learn and understand why it is the right thing aier. It only makes you fear doing the wrong thing." She didn't say anything but he felt her hands tighten on the material of his tunic. By the time he reached the healers her tears had mostly stopped though she was still sniffing occasionally. He nodded to the few elves he passed but didn't stop feeling the child tense every time she saw someone new.
Haldir what has happened?, asked Garan concerned when he saw the blood on Haldir's tunic. Is the child hurt? There was some blood on Zinnia's dress to from where his wound had rubbed against her.
No. She is fine, he said with a sigh moving her to the side slightly. She was still clinging to him tightly. An unfortunate accident. I believe that it will need stitches. Garan took a step closer and moved the fabric off of Haldir's cut. Zinnia whimpered and tried to move away from him tightening her grip on Haldir. Garan looked to Haldir questioningly. He only shook his head not wanting to discuss the situation at the moment.
It will. Please sit I will return with the necessary supplies to treat you.
Thank you Garan. The healer only nodded and left. "Why are you frightened Zinnia?" Haldir's voice was calm and even. He sat in a chair and tried to pull her back but she clutched tighter to him.
"You're going to send me to jail now." Her tone was defeated.
"Why would you say that?" He settled her next to him away from his arm so she could stay on him yet give Garan room to work when he returned.
"Because I hurt you." She sniffed. "I made the knife fall and you got hurt. For a slave to draw a master's blood is. . they get sent to jail and never come back." She looked up to him. "I want to stay with you." He smiled at her and pulled her closer.
"Then you will." He smiled more when she moved and put her head on his shoulder her breath against his neck. "Know that you will not be sent to jail here. It was an accident, you did not intentionally mean to harm anyone did you?"
"No," she said. "I just wanted to touch it and make you angry."
"Please do not do so again." She pulled back and looked at him. "Rules are made to protect children. To keep them safe from dangers they may not realize. You must follow them if you wish to be so." She closed her eyes and lowered her head. "I told you not to touch the weapons for your safety, not to be mean. Do you understand that?"
"I don't know," she responded. "If they are so bad why did I have to clean them before?" Haldir bit his tongue to hold back his instinctive response. 'Because the sorry excuse of a human that was responsible for you before should not be living.' She looked up to him when he didn't answer her.
"It was wrong for such a task to fall to you." Was what he settled on.
"Why?" Her tone full of confusion. "I was trained how to do it."
"You are a child," he said. "Children should have no use for weapons, even if it be only cleaning them." She was about to say something but closed her mouth when Garan returned. The healer smiled at the child but she hid her face in Haldir's chest and he wrapped his arm around her. "Do not be frightened. He is a healer, he helps others."
Is she fearful of me? he asked as he took a pair of scissors and cut open Haldir's sleeve to expose the wound.
She is fearful of all. Haldir's hand went to her hair stroking it in an unconscious display of comfort.
Ah, said the healer with a small smile seeing the haughty march warden caring for the small girl. She seems to find comfort in you.
At times. Haldir tensed when Garan applied some antiseptic numbing agent.
"I'm sorry," whispered Zinnia feeling his reaction.
"You are forgiven," said Haldir putting his head on hers for a moment before sitting straight again.
You may wish to tell her to be very still while I am doing the actual stitching, said Garan pulling out the needle and thread.
"What's he doing? Is he going to fix my dress?" Haldir chuckled slightly at the question.
"No aier he is going to close my wound."
"What?," she asked alarmed. "You can't let him do that." She looked to Garan and glared slightly.
"He must," said Haldir turning her head to him. "It helps the wound heal faster and allows it to be cleaner."
"But it will hurt you," she said blinking at him. "You should just wrap it real tight, that is how you treat cuts."
"Not all cuts." He wiped the last of her tears away. "Garan is a skilled and experienced healer. He knows his trade and should be trusted in that knowledge. Now we must be very still while he works so we do not disrupt him. Can we do that?" She nodded slowly.
"Yes." He smiled at her.
"Very good aier." He looked to Garan who was ready but waiting for him to tell him to proceed. "Perhaps you should not watch." She shook her head and put her head on his shoulder again looking away from Garan and Haldir's wound.
"You can squeeze my hand if it hurts," she said moving her hand down to his. "I let Alar when he gets hurt." He took her hand gently.
"I thank you." Haldir looked to Garan and nodded letting the healer know that it was fine for him to begin.
"Do you want me to sing you a song or tell you a story?," she asked wrapping her hand around his fingers. "Alar always wants a story with elves."
"I would appreciate a song." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Yours were rather entertaining."
"I know one about trees." She pressed against his shoulder slightly before relaxing again.
"Then let us hear it." He smiled as she started singing looking up to see Garan smiling as well. Garan worked fast and was done with Haldir's wound by Zinnia's second song. He wrapped it with a bandage as Zinnia watched. Haldir was also able to talk Zinnia into letting Garan see her back, though she held onto his hand the entire time. She was wrapping her foot in some bandages as Garan pulled Haldir to the side to talk.
Her back is healing. His voice was slightly tight and Haldir knew he was trying to hold his emotions back and focus on his duties. The bruises and marks will be gone within days, the cuts a week if you keep applying the salve. He handed Haldir a large jar of it. Once a day, preferably at night before sleep. Haldir nodded and took it. I had heard that you had taken in a human child, He said in a sigh. Though I did not know she had been so roughly treated.
We found her and her brother, though he was mortally wounded. Haldir looked to the child who had now wrapped most of her leg a look of intense concentration on her face. May I take some bandages with me? It seems it is all she will play with. The dolls Suvel brought have gone untouched.
Yes, take what you will, said Garan.
A/N: If you want to see the song that I imagined Zinnia singing to Haldir go to the link in my bio. For some reason I couldn't get it to link right here. Sorry! Again thank you for all of the wonderful reviews. They make me smile! The next part will have the master introduced. So keep checking I should update soon, hopefully by the end of the week.