Nindo
It was her way
--
When she was four, her mother died. Back then, she didn't know what was wrong. All she remember were the shadowy figures running in and out of the palace and the servants whispering behind the screens and pale stench of blood around her. Her father was always locked up in his room or the council room. She remembers, vaguely, asking where her mother was and her aunt broke down crying, saying that her mother had gone to a better place. She didn't understand but she stood there quietly and let her hold her.
--
She tells herself that she would never make anyone cry -- ever.
--
She began her training as a ninja when she was five. She was a princess, her father had said, let her become a model for her people. The council was bewildered and thought that he had lost his mind but her father persisted and eventually they gave in and allow her to train with the boys. Everyone thought that her father went crazy when his wife died but nobody ever said it out loud, not even the lords themselves, for the subject was consider a taboo and nobody wanted to face a wrath of a lord. They mourned that their sweet little princess would have to suffer from the harshness of a ninja life. They whispered among themselves how cruel her father was forcing her to the very thing that killed her mother.
She heard those whispers but she paid no mind. After all, the training was hard and she had no time to think about village gossip. There was a war going on and she intended to live.
--
Sometime, somewhere, in the midst of all the chaos, she had killed her first man and she doesn't remember his face but the blood that spurted from where her sword had punctured. Then she pulled out her sword, blood spraying all over her face, and remembers not to get too close next time.
--
Five years later, they surrendered and the war ended. All of a sudden, she found herself a ten year old, looking too young to be taken seriously, feeling too old to go back. She presented herself before her father who barely glanced at her before telling her to leave. The servants were afraid of her; she was impatient and her temper was deadly. She pretended not to care but wondered why she was still alive when all her teammates were dead.
--
Although they were not friends --she never had friends-- she still visited the marker behind the training grounds and stood there, asking them silently if there was a reason she was left behind. But all she ever get were the crows cawing and the rustling of the leaves above.
--
By the time she was twelve, her home had turned into a tourist attraction. This was what we fought for, she thought bitterly, this lousy country who can't even stand up for itself. As a princess she was required to show herself in front of those foreigners frequently. This means she had to wear stiff kimonos and be a lady in her mother's stead. One day she couldn't take it any more and screamed at her father saying that she was not lady like her mother but a ninja; a killer, the same ones that killed her. He turned ghastly pale at her words and slapped her hard, screaming for her to get out.
For the first time in her life she had felt the hand pressing her down lifted. Like her nightmares, it wasn't completely gone but she can live with that. Although she no longer felt herself bound to her country or her father, she was still bound to her dead teammates but she figured that it was okay because everybody carry some of their past with them.
--
She would dreamed about them, their bodies disfigured and scarred beyond recognition. There was blood all over her hands and screams and explosions everywhere, and there was nothing she could do. All her memories and the faces blended into one and she wasn't sure if she was still alive or not.
--
At fourteen she was a master thief. There wasn't anything she couldn't steal; maybe, besides government property but she was still pretty good. It wasn't easy out there in the world. Stealing was something that came along with being a ninja. She knew that what she was doing wasn't right but when since anything ever been right? Frankly, she didn't care about her victims. It wasn't her fault that they were easy targets and couldn't fight back. Her ninja skills came in handy and she would cut down anyone in her way. She heard people whispering about her tarnishing the ninja name and fought down a laugh, thinking that the ninja name is already dirty and the blood will never leave her hands.
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Sometimes, she would have a bad day and could not afford an inn to stay. She didn't mind though, she had her fair share of sufferings and sleeping in the woods wasn't one of them. She would find a nice tree and wrapped her dark cloak around her, ignoring the pangs of hunger. It could had been worse, she told herself dryly, at least it's not raining.
--
Sixteen and she was caught by a blond haired man and his group. She screamed and kicked but they wouldn't let her go until she gave them back all their items. If she hadn't been caught off guard, she could have easily slit their throats before they could blink. Then she smiled wryly to herself. Years ago, she thought, she would have died for doing such a foolish thing. The blond haired man --Spike ass, she had called him-- offered her a position in his group. She thought it was stupid but what the heck, what did she got to lose?
She knew that they thought she was a bitch. She didn't care of course; when did she ever did? She found Spike ass was too girly; Big boobs always worried; Mysterious cape too boring, and the rest she didn't care except for the Flower girl, who she thought was rather nice but she knew that she was too caring for her own good. She could see that all of them, besides Flower girl, were letting the past hold them back and it's going to get them killed one day. She wonders why were they desperately fighting against someone so out of their league. It's not going to change anything, she wanted to say, you'll only end up in pain but she thought against it. They should be allow to dream after all. Flower girl told her that it's because they believed in what they fight for and that's why they were willing to give up their lives for that belief. She thought that was the most ridiculous thing she ever heard and told her that they were fools to believe in something so deeply. Flower girl smiled sadly and told her that it was always good to have something to believe in.
And look at where it got her, she thought sullenly, six feet under and her friends above crying for her.
--
She knows that nobody would cry when she die and it was okay with her. She knows that they don't like her and it doesn't bother her at all because she doesn't give a damn. All she cared about was herself and she wanted it to stay that way. She sees them all broken but still sentimental inside and swore that she would never let herself become like that.
--
But then, to her amazement, she saw them all get up and she wanted to shout at them to stay down and that it's easier to accept the things the way things are. She sees Blondie charging ahead with renewed determination and the Brunette right besides him. She remembers asking why they keep going on when all seems so hopeless and someone replies that it was because they were alive and can make a difference in the world.
Then why was she here, she wondered and she thought about the Flower girl and her words. Maybe she was right, that there was more to life than just living and remembering. Then she thought about her country and her father and maybe she should do something about it.
--
She remembers the war and thought about how hopeless it was and she still kept going. There were people dying left and right and she doesn't see but keeps fighting. Then she remembers her teammates telling her that they were going to make it through the war so they'll keep fighting until they do. Maybe, she thought, they were more than just teammates.
She thinks that maybe what applies to war also applies to life and thinks that she would never give up but keep on fighting against the flow. She will make them all see and remember, not just their losses but the sacrifices they had made for them. Then she thinks and remembers Flower girl and that maybe it's was okay to care a little if it change the things they were.
--
She smiled cockily and walked into the council room, all but hearing the faint clangs of metal and the sweet scent of flowers.