Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Warnings: Again, mentions of child abuse. If you don't like don't read.
Chapter 13: Strategies
Haldir looked up from his book to check the girl sitting in the corner for about the eighth time in as many minutes. She was fidgeting but sitting there quietly as she was ordered. The past few weeks had been especially trying. If she wasn't clinging to him in fear of something she was yelling and screaming in pure anger. She was testing him to a degree he knew. Seeing if she could push him into hitting her or worse. He had never thought it was going to be this hard.
This time she had purposely disobeyed him by not doing any thing he asked of her and throwing her dinner dishes on the ground breaking many of them. Her moods had been more than volatile as of late they had been down right unpredictable and unstable. The worse had been when she started screaming obscenities in the middle of a dinner with his brothers and some other friends. He had to leave taking her screaming and kicking out of Orophin's house. Luckily the curses had been in common and none but him knew what she was saying.
She always regretted it and apologized later. Crying and sobbing that she was sorry and she would be better. He sighed inaudible to her ears and turned the page of his book though he wasn't reading it. If she thought he was paying attention to her she would act out again. Thinking over the situation he did not know what to change. He tried to be calm with her, never showing her his anger over anything she did. Though he would have to be getting more plates. There was a knock at his door and he put his book down going to answer it.
Good evening brother. Rúmil smiled at him and Haldir sighed.
For some perhaps. He stepped back to let his brother in before closing the door.
Another disagreement? asked Rúmil noting the broken dishes on the floor as well as the girl in the corner.
"Zinnia, you are to face the corner until I say otherwise." She turned back to the wall at Haldir's words. Yes, another disagreement. Will you sit for a while?
Yes, however I was sent here by Galadriel. She requests your presence in her garden. I will watch the little one.
Did she say why she wishes to see me?
No, it did not seem urgent. Rúmil shrugged slightly and Halidr nodded.
Do not let her leave the corner for another half an hour at least. Directly after that make her clean the mess she made. If she refuses she goes back to the corner.
Very well.
She will try to get out of it. Do not let her.
I will not.
I will explain it to her. Haldir walked over to Zinnia and she turned to face him. "Aier I have a meeting with Lady Galadriel. I will return later."
"You're leaving." Her tone was a strange mix of relief and trepidation.
"For a short time. I will be back, if not before you sleep then before you wake."
"You won't be back." She moved to turn back to the wall but he held her.
"I will."
"No, you don't want me because I'm bad now. I knew it, I knew you didn't want me."
"That is not true aier."
"Then stay."
"I must meet with the Lady."
"I would rather you hit me and yell."
"What?" She looked up to him her eyes wet with tears but none falling.
"I would rather you hit and yell at me than leave me."
"I would rather do none of those things." He caressed her cheek before leaning over and kissing the top of her head. "I will return. Stay here until Rúmil tells you to leave. Then you must pick up the mess or return to the wall. It will be your decision." He stood and walked over to the door. "The wall little one." Slowly she turned back around and faced it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Haldir. Haldir looked up to Galadriel who was sitting on the bench in her garden. He had been so in thought that he almost walked by the gardens. She held up her hand when he was about to apologize. Come sit with me. She patted the bench next to her. You are having trouble with the child.
She is. . almost uncontrollable. He sighed and rubbed his temples in a rare display of distress. She tests me at every turn and her outbursts are getting more and more extreme as well as frequent. I do not know how to combat this.
It sounds as if it would be very frustrating.
It is, I had thought. . I had hoped that she would believe me when I told her I would not harm her.
Her trust will be harder to earn than with words.
It would appear so. He sighed again. I try to be accommodating to her. Not to push her into anything she does not want. If she wishes to do something we do.
Perhaps Haldir you are approaching the problem from the wrong side. He looked to her. Your heart is in the right place, wanting to give her what has been denied to her so long. Any child would wish for you as their caregiver.
Then what am I doing wrong?
You must try to think more like her my friend. She said with a small smile.
I am trying to get her not to think as she does anymore.
A worthy challenge.
So it would seem.
Though to change her pattern of thought first you must know her pattern of thought.
I can not, she switches from anger to fear or any other emotion faster than I can even name them.
I believe she has a right to her anger after all she has suffered.
I think no different, though I only wish she would allow me to help her.
She will Haldir, just be patient. She stood and looked back to him. Walk with me. Haldir stood and she took his offered arm as they started to walk the paths of the city. I wonder, does she show her anger to all?
It does not matter where she is, though it seems I am only the target of it.
Why do you think that is?
She is confused? She thinks I will hit her.
Or perhaps she knows you will not. He looked to her for a moment and then forward again thinking of this new information. She does feel safe with you Haldir.
Then why does she try to push me? Why does she act so angry and willful one second and then cower and hide the next?
Do you think she was allowed to express herself before?
No, no that. . that monster wanted nothing but her silence and obedience.
Her anger is deep seated and connected with her fear. She is angry for not being able to do what she is able to now. She is angry for not being protected. It is only in her time with you that she realizes how betrayed she has been by the ones in her life that should have kept her safe. With that she fears you will not like her for being unable to protect that which she said she would.
Her brother.
Not only her brother but herself. There was another silence as they walked a little further.
How can I help her?
I wish I could tell you for certain. Galadriel's tone was soft and slightly sad. The truth is that not even I know. I have never encountered such a battered soul, but she is not beyond help.
Then I will have to be patient and hope that she will come to understand. Galadriel nodded slowly. I do not know what else I can give her that I have not already tried.
Has she spoken to you of her time with the humans.
Only when she wakes up with nightmares.
What are they of?
Monsters, loss, abandonment.
She feels like she has no control Haldir. She has had none in her short life. Now everything she has ever learned was right is wrong, everything she has come to expect does not happen, she does not understand the sudden and complete change.
You think she it being so much trouble because she wants to be hit? He remembered Zinnia's words from before and frowned.
She does not want to be hit, what she wants is control. She wants to know what will happen. I can only imagine what her life was like before. One day after the other not knowing what would happen to her or those she loved. Not knowing how she would be treated. If she would be hit or worse. Silence fell between them again.
You think her acting out is a way for her to assert control. For her to know what will happen.
It is of a two-fold benefit for her Haldir. Not only will she know she is going to get punished she knows she will have your attention. Something she craves and desires more than anything else at this point in her life. He had to admit she made sense. More often than not her worse behavior came when others were around. When he was speaking with someone or not looking to her. He had thought she just saw an opportunity when his attention had been diverted.
I had not thought of that, he admitted. Galadriel smiled softly and patted his arm.
If it were you Haldir, if you had a loss of control and fear of the unknown what would you want?
I would want structure, I would want a stable and solid routine so I would know what would happen to me.
It is up to you to give her that structure. Let her make decisions but not force her to decide everything. She is still a child, you must remember that but temper it with the knowledge that she needs more support than another child would. They walked a little further. I know you wish her to only have fun and be loved as children should, but children must also learn responsibility and what is expected of them. Perhaps catering to her every wish is not the best way to go about it. Especially as she does not know what she wishes.
No, no I think it has not been. I only wanted her to . . to not have to feel like she . . like she had to do anything.
She wants to please you Haldir. Her only means of pleasing the adults around her before were to complete chores and follow instructions.
Or sexually, he said quietly.
Has she tried to do so with you?
Yes, I had let her sleep in my bed when she was scared. I cannot any longer though. I believe she became confused of my intentions or perhaps expectations. Galadriel nodded slowly a small frown on her face. That should have been expected at some point. She has tried with my brothers as well. He sighed. She becomes so angry when we stop her.
You keep your attention on her though, that is what she wants Haldir. You must walk a fine line. A line between giving her the attention she needs and not rewarding her with your attention for bad behavior. That is what you are doing now to a degree I believe. Rewarding her for her behavior, though you view it as punishment.
Do you suggest that I ignore her?
No, no that might not be advisable. Galadriel thought for a moment. Try to get her to talk of her feelings. Allow her to have another way to express them. Give her the ability to speak verbally about them instead of act them out. She must come to terms with what she has suffered. If she does not . . she will pass beyond all ability to help.
Haldir thought of the lady's words as he strolled the city. The ideas she had proposed made sense, as they always did. He had been so blind, trying to make Zinnia forget her experiences by trying to give her what he thought she wanted. An adult's idea of what a child wants. Treats, toys, and idleness were not everything that drove a child. The need for love and acceptance, for belonging was an even larger part. He sighed and made his way home planning on implementing the new strategy in the morning.
How did the talk go? Haldir looked up to Rúmil who was sitting on the couch.
I believe it went well. She has given me a different outlook on the problem. Haldir looked and saw the dishes were clean now as well as the lack of a child in the corner.
She is in bed, and gave me no problems. Rúmil tilted his head. In fact she seemed rather subdued. Haldir sighed and went to the cabinet pulling out some wine. He held it up and looked to Rúmil who nodded. Grabbing two glasses he walked over to the couch and sat next to his brother. He poured them a each a glass and handed Rúmil one before taking a liberal drink of the one in his own hand. Would you care to speak of it?
I am too frustrated to know where to begin. He sighed and leaned back against the couch. At times I feel the orcs at the boarders were easier to deal with. At least, at least I could show my anger and . . and solve the problem with a single arrow!
And the others.
The others, her smile or laugh is so pure. . so joyful and trusting. I just wish there would be an in between with her. It is so extreme. I wish to help her but I am fearful that I will be able to, I am doubtful of that fact.
Did the Lady call your ability into question?
No.
Then there is no reason to question it. Rúmil watched his brother take another drink. The storm in her will die in time, it will lessen and then fizzle as all storms do. Then think of the rainbow that will become of it. The worst storms make the best of them.
Have you not had a chance to write any of your poetry lately? Rúmil smiled at Haldir's expression.
No, I have not, however that does not negate the example that I chose to illustrate this with. Haldir chuckled softly and set his glass down.
I guess you are right, I just hope that it does not get much worse.
It cannot, said Rúmil with his own grin. He finished his glass and stood putting his hand on Haldir's shoulder. You will figure the solution, you always do. Rúmil flicked Haldir's ear before deftly dodging his brother's attempt to grab him. Good night dear brother, said Rúmil in a laugh.
You think I will not find retribution for that.
Never. Rúmil gave a flourished bow before leaving and closing the door behind him. Haldir smiled and picked up his glass finishing it off as well. Standing he picked up the glasses and bottle putting them away before walking over to Zinnia's door. She was sleeping peacefully and he sighed starting to undo his braids and walked back to his room.
It took a while for him to find rest that night. He lay awake thinking of the various ways to put the Lady's advice to use. Only when he decided to himself that he had worked out a suitable plan did he allow himself to relax enough to slip into reverie. He was in his dreams for what felt like mere minutes when a sound caused his eyes to clear. After he had not allowed Zinnia to sleep with him she had taken to sneaking into his room and curling up on the floor next to his bed. To combat this he put small chimes on his door, the same small chimes that had woken him up. Looking over he saw her looking back to him.
"You came back."
"I said no differently, did you not believe me?" He was only met with silence and the blinking of wide eyes. "Did you have a bad dream?" She shook her head. "Then why are you up?"
"I had to see for sure."
"See what ai'elen?"
"That you came back." Before he could respond she climbed up in the bed and reached over touching his face. "I'm glad you're really here." She sat back when he moved so he was sitting against the headboard. "I want to sleep with you tonight."
"We have been over this Zinnia. You can not sleep with me."
"I'll be real good." Her tone was hopeful and she reached over grabbing his hand.
"I know you will," he said in a soft sigh. "But you can not stay with me." He sighed again when she looked down and tightened her grip on his hand.
"I want to stay with you." He looked to her and resisted the urge to let her knowing it would be unwise to give in to it.
"What if I stay with you?" She looked up to him confused and he smiled at her. "Come let us go to your room." She sighed and got off the bed him following her. He grabbed one of the chairs from the dining table as they passed. "Now get into bed and perhaps a story or a song until you sleep." After she was settled he pulled the chair up to her bed and sat on it. "Which would you like?"
"A story."
"I know many, do you care for anything specific?" She turned on her side and reached over grabbing his hand. He only moved so he could sit comfortably in that position. She shook her head and situated a little more. "Nothing at all?"
"One you like."
"Then let us hear the story of the Rose and the Butterfly."
"I've never heard that one before." Her tone held real interest and he smiled.
"Then I shall have the honor of telling it to you." He moved holding her hand so his thumb could make slow circles on the back of it. "You have seen the gardens?" she nodded. "This story takes place in much a similar setting."
"In Caras Galadhon?"
"No dear, but in a place much like it." He smiled at her and she returned it encouraging him to continue his story. Which he did, and it had the desired effect on her. She was interested and asked questions throughout. He could tell she was filing it away in her own memory adding to the many she already knew. When he finished her eyes were starting to drop and she yawned. "Now you must rest." She nodded sleepily and moved closer to the edge and closer to him.
"Are you going to stay here all night?"
"If you wish it of me."
"Stay."
"Then I will aier. Close your eyes and sleep." She closed her eyes but would open them every few seconds as well as squeeze his hand. Almost as if making sure he was still there. He moved again causing her to open her eyes but he only smiled and took her hand in his softly stroking her palm. "Perhaps a song to sleep by?"
"Please?"
"Close your eyes again my little one and I shall sing you one." Her eyes closed but her hand tightened on him. "May all your dreams bloom like daisies in the sun. May you always have stars in your eyes. May you not stop running on until your race is won. May you always have blue skies." His lips turned into a soft smile seeing that she was asleep after only the first verse. Regardless he continued his song and his soft motions on her hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look!" Haldir laughed and looked down to the excited girl running around him. "Orophin gave me some paint! He said something about water and wash but I don't know what else he said."
"Yes I see." He said letting her waste her energy. He found it much better to have her run around on the forest floor than in his telain. And what color is it? he asked watching as she stilled and thought.
Blue! She grinned and held the pot of paint up to him. He took it from her before she spilled it over both of them. "Can I help you paint now?"
"Of course aier." He said and pulled some paper setting it down on the ground before her. She quickly fell to her knees and leaned over the page brimming with excitement. He handed her a brush and she grabbed it pushing it on the paper. He grimaced as she bent the bristles a sure way to ruin the brush. "Perhaps I can help you?" She looked up to him and smiled which he couldn't help returning. She handed him the brush back.
"You have to hold it gently when applying the paint." He showed her how to make a line and she watched. He smiled as she dutifully took the brush back and tried to copy his movements. Though he saw the humming of her energy through her and it wouldn't allow for slow precise movements. Not wanting to ruin his brush took it back from her with a grin. "Perhaps nature has supplied us with better means of getting the paint on the paper." He dipped his finger in the pot of paint and started making designs.
"It will get messy." She said looking to him. He raised an eyebrow.
"Are we not outside aier? What is there to dirty?" She frowned slightly.
"What about our clothes?" she asked still unsure but he saw her eyes stray to the paint and smiled.
"It will wash," he said and laughed as she stuck almost her whole hand in the pot then turned back to the paper. He painted with her for a little while longer before wiping his fingers on a rag and watching her. He smiled as she started humming making random patterns with her fingers.
Months had passed since his talk with Galadriel. It seemed a turning point for him and Zinnia. She seemed more trustful after that night. The fact that he had returned to her had soothed some fears. The establishment of a steady and normalized routine had helped the others. There were still moments, but now they were more as a child's should be. A yelling for more deserts or the refusal to sleep, not the anger that had been there before. He watched her for a few moments more before returning to his own painting.
"Haldir." Her tone was questioning and he looked to her. She was leaning forward her hands completely blue and resting against the paper.
"What's atara?" she asked watching him with unblinking eyes.
"Atara is mother." She kept watching him obviously waiting for a further explanation. "A mother is one that births the child." She looked back down to the paper and made some more designs but he could tell that she had more questions.
"What's adar?"
"Father." She looked back up to him. "He helps the mother create the child in her womb."
"Is that all?" She looked back down to the paper.
"Mother and father care for the child and raise it. They teach and nurture the child until the child is old enough to live on his or her own." Was the best answer he could think of.
"Oh."
"Where are these questions coming from?" he asked with a grin.
"I heard Elear talking to Suvel. She said that she was going to visit her atara and adar in Mirkwood." Haldir smiled and nodded. None really knew how fast she picked up their language. She could translate the words though she would still not speak them in her shyness causing many to believe she knew less than she did. As it was he only knew because she would ask him words she didn't know yet. "Do all children have them?"
"Yes," Answered Haldir. "Mothers and fathers create children."
"Then . . mine didn't want me?" she asked sitting back on her feet and looking up to him her joyful expression replaced with one somber and reserved.
"I believe aier, the situation you were in forced you away from your parents. They had no choice, it was not a matter of want on their part."
"Because I was a slave," she said.
"Yes, that is true."
"I remember my atara." She leaned back more and absently wiped her hands on her dress.
"What do you remember of her?" he asked gently. He had found that helping her talk through her memories and understand them made them less hurtful.
"She would smile at me. Like you do." She glanced to him and then to her hands that stopped and pulled away from her body. "And she gave me an apple once. It was bright red and really big. She said to hide it and I did. We ate it after. . after Master had gone to bed. Alar had some too." She looked down at the drawing and sighed. "And I remember her not moving any more, but I don't remember my adar." Haldir didn't know how to respond to that and simply sat down across from her pulling a fresh paper and moving the other to the side to dry.
"Do you wish to remember him?" he finally asked as he put some paint on his finger and started drawing a pattern.
"I. . I wouldn't want him," she said hesitantly.
"Why is that?" he asked watching as she followed his lead and started painting again.
"I have you." He looked up to her and saw that she was watching him with a veiled expression. A scared but hopeful one. He broke out into a wide smile joy swelling in his heart at the simple statement. She smiled shyly at him.
"That is the most sincere compliment I have ever been given." She laughed and leaned forward hugging him and in the process smearing paint all over him. A fact that Haldir did not mind or notice at the time as he hugged her back.
"Can I call you adar?" the whispered question only made his smile grow.
"Only if I may call you tinu." The grip on him tightened. "Daughter."
==========================
aier = little one
ai'elen = little star
atara = mother
adar = father
tinu = daughter
A/N: I'm getting cavities! I had to write it though. If any of you have any embarrassing stories or little antidotes to help me out with the next few years of her life please send them to me! I swear I will use no names! I'm just trying to flesh out some of the years between the next major points in her life. A little fun and happiness instead of all the angst!
The song I used can be found here. http:// www. kididdles. com/ mouseum/ d016. html. Just take the spaces out. There isn't a midi to go with it but the rest of the lyrics are there. I have no idea how it goes but the lyrics are so pretty I used it.
Again the reviews, inspiring! Thank you so much for being so nice to me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the others.