Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Warnings: Really sad chapter! More specific mentions of child abuse.

Thanks to Mellon1 for looking over this chapter for me!

Chapter 17: Realizations

He was hurting her Ada! I saw it! Haldir looked to Tonan who blushed slightly.

Aier, perhaps you should tell me what happened. He turned back to Zinnia waiting for further explanation.

I was running ahead to Orophin's like you said I could and I heard a noise. When I went to look I saw Tonan he was on top of Ethiel and he was hurting her!

Tonan would you care to explain?

Sir, we. . we were simply.

Lord Haldir we were only having a little fun. Haldir understood what Ethiel meant at her tone.

You do not have to lie Ethiel, I saw him. Lord Celeborn will punish him. Haldir looked down to Zinnia and saw that she was heatedly glaring at Tonan. They will make him go away! And you will be safe.

Zinnia I was not hurting her. Tonan's tone was imploring.

You were!
Come Zia we must talk. Haldir tried to turn her and take her back down the path.

No! No he has to be punished for hurting her! You said it was wrong.

Aier we must talk about this.

No! She stomped her foot. He needs to be thrown out of the city.

Child we were both involved in what you saw. He was not forcing me. Zinnia looked to Ethiel and frowned.

Why would you want that? It hurts and Ada said it was wrong. The two elves in front of her got a saddened look in their eyes and Haldir moved down in front of her turning her to look at him.

Aier I said what was done to you was wrong, it was. What Tonan and Ethiel were doing was not wrong it was natural. This is going to be a long discussion my sweet let us return home.

But Ada he should be.

Zinnia. She quieted at Haldir's tone. I have never lied to you and I will not begin today. He has done nothing wrong. There is no reason to punish him. He reached up and turned her face to him as she was glaring at Tonan again. Zinnia he has done nothing wrong.

Lord Haldir. . perhaps you should speak with her and after, if she decides I must still be punished, I will go before the Lord and Lady.

You should go now orc spawn!

Zinnia we do not use that language.

Ada! She scowled and crossed her arms over her chest.

No, Zia we are returning home and will talk about what you witnessed.

I will hold to what you decide Zinnia. She looked to Tonan and growled when he moved closer.

You need to leave! Haldir grabbed her and stood when she went to take a swing at Tonan. He noticed the guard stayed still to take the hit. No! You can not just leave him with her what if he does it again? She started struggling in his arms when he turned to walk away. Ada you have to protect her! Please Ada!

She is safe my sweet. Zinnia shook her head and looked to Tonan her eyes filled with a mixture of hate and fear.

Sir I will go to my telain until she feels it is safe.

Is that acceptable aier?

We can not trust him! Haldir adjusted his grip on her and made her look at him again.

Aier, this is a misunderstanding.

If you will not protect her then I will. She started wiggling and caused him to put her down so he wouldn't drop her. When she landed on the ground she ran to Ethiel and stood in front of her glaring once again at Tonan. I will not let you hurt her again!

Aier he was not hurting me. Ethiel put her hands on Zinnia's shoulders.

You do not have to be scared any more. Zinnia patted one of Ethiel's hands but kept her eyes on Tonan.

Aier, Zinnia looked to Haldir, he will return to his home and so will we.

Ada what if he leaves?

Zinnia. Haldir sighed. I will have Orophin make sure he stays there. Will that ease your mind?

No. . he. . he will run away.

Zinnia he will not. She shook her head and pressed back into Ethiel as if guarding her.

What if your Ada escorts Tonan to his home and we can tell Orophin to relieve him? Ethiel looked to Haldir apologetically.

That will be best.

Very well Zinnia. We will talk when I return though. She nodded and took Ethiel by the hand.

I will make you some tea and you will see that everything is fine now.

I am sorry Haldir. Haldir looked back to Tonan and put his hand on his shoulder.

There is no reason you need to apologize. Haldir took in the bloody nose and frowned. Do you need a healer? Tonan wiped the blood off his nose and smiled slightly.

Nay, though for being only fourteen she is stronger than she looks.

~~~~~~~~~

It is not weakness to cry Ethiel, many times tears help. Haldir sighed as he approached the door to his telain. He had been trying to think of how to broach the subject for a while now. In retrospect now he might have pushed back talking with her for too long. Would you like some tea? Tea helps sometimes or we can have cake. Cake usually makes me feel better.

Child honestly, I am fine.

Would you like to draw? There was a pause. Or we can talk about it if you like. It helps when I talk with Ada about what scares me. But you do not have to be scared any more because uncle Orophin and Ada will make sure that Tonan stays away. He made enough noise that Zinnia would hear him before he opened the door and both looked to him. Ethiel was seated in one of the chairs in the main room. It was obvious that Zinnia was trying to comfort her as Baru was firmly situated in Ethiel's grasp. Ada is back see everything is fine now.

Zinnia we must talk now, Ethiel will return to her own home. Ethiel stood but Zinnia frowned and grabbed her hand.

Ada what if she has bad dreams? She can stay with me tonight. Ethiel bent down and drew Zinnia into a hug, which was returned.

Your wish to protect me warms my heart aier. I must thank you for your intentions. She pulled back and they looked each other in the eyes.

You are my friend Ethiel.

Is not Tonan?

He was but not anymore! Her tone was harsh and Ethiel sighed.

I hope that is not the case. She put her hand on Zinnia's cheek. Will you and your Ada have lunch with me tomorrow? I have a feeling that there will be many questions that your Ada may not be able to answer for you tonight. If you would allow me I would be honored to help you with your confusion. She smiled and handed the stuffed dear back to the child in front of her.

You should not be alone tonight.

If I have trouble I will return here and take you up on your offer.

Are you sure?

Yes, you must speak with your father. Remember we will have lunch tomorrow and any questions that you have I will do my best to answer. She hugged Zinnia again before standing and going to Haldir.

Thank you for your offer I believe you will be correct. Ethiel smiled and put her hand on Haldir's shoulder.

It does not require thanks. I am sorry. Haldir smiled and shook his head slightly.

As what happened requires no apology. We will speak more tomorrow and I trust that perhaps we will have one more for lunch?

I will go to him now. She pitched her voice low enough that Zinnia wouldn't be able to hear her. Haldir walked her to the door and saw her out. When he closed it he turned around to see Zinnia sitting on the chair Ethiel had vacated.

I really think she should stay here tonight Ada.

She will be safe enough. He moved and sat on the couch and sighed. We must talk my sweet. What we speak of may be very confusing and we must work together to make sure that you understand completely.

What are we going to talk about?

What you witnessed tonight.

I know what I saw! He was touching her and going to hurt her like. . She trailed off and frowned looking down to the stuffed animal in her hands.

Aier, do you remember what we talked about before? When you started your cycle? She nodded. I should have spoken to you of everything that entails and not just your body's changes and new functions. I believe I have done you a disservice by not doing so.

Why?

I believe you have had to fill in the gaps of your knowledge with information that is false. Perhaps you guessed on certain questions instead of asking them. It was wrong of me to have allowed that to happen.

Maybe I guessed right. She sat up a little taller.

You could have, more likely you have guessed small things right and others are still a mystery. Aier, tonight what you witnessed was not wrong or bad, it is natural.

You said letting someone else touch you there was bad.

It is, it is wrong unless your consent is given. And as a child you can not give consent for another to do something to you that is not understood, nor something you are not ready for. We have spoken of sex before. The differences between males and females, and also of reproduction. She nodded. What you saw tonight was how the differences. . bring the two together. Tonan and Ethiel, while I am not sure exactly what position you found them in, were participating in sex.

No. . no because you said sex is how the female gets pregnant and well. . She trailed off again and looked to the stuffed animal in her lap.

Well what aier?

I thought the female gets pregnant when the male sticks their tongue in her mouth. Then she swallows his spit, which is really gross! He smiled slightly. Then the baby grows in her stomach. Tonan had his mouth somewhere else.

Yes. . ah. . well what you mentioned before, that is kissing. A female can not become pregnant by kissing.

Oh. . . then I do not understand. He was not kissing her face.

'A very long discussion.' Thought Haldir as he saw the look in Zinnia's eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Zia. She blinked and looked to Suvel who had a look crossed between concern and amusement on her face. That is the fifth time I called your name. What are you thinking of aier, as it is not about the lesson that sits before you.

Ada and I had a talk the other day, and then yesterday I had lunch with Tonan and Ethiel.

That sounds pleasant, though I must ask why your mind is there and not here.

I was thinking of what we talked about and . . . I do not know if I made a right choice.

Would you like to speak of it? She nodded slowly and Suvel took the book from in front of Zinnia and closed it setting it to the side.

I forgave Tonan and even apologized for hitting him but I still think he was wrong. If I am wrong though that would mean Ada and Ethiel lied to me.

You hit Tonan? She nodded again and looked down to her hands.

He was hurting Ethiel but Ada said they were having sex. She looked up when Suvel didn't respond to her.

Then he was not hurting her.

But she was moaning like she was hurt and. . and I know it hurts. The last was said in a whisper as she looked back to her hands. Ethiel said it did not hurt though. How can it not hurt?

That is a very good question. She looked back up to Suvel who had a smile on her face though her eyes were touched with a sadness. Did not your Ada answer all of your questions?

He tried but . . well I think they hurt him. It looked like he was becoming sad. I do not want him to be sad because of me.

So you did not ask him? She nodded. Did he eat lunch with you as well yesterday? Zinnia nodded again. Then I see why you still have questions. You have many? She paused a moment but nodded once more. A lengthy discussion calls for a snack and a more comfortable resting spot before we begin then. Once they were settled on the couch, each with a warm cup of tea and a large tray of cookies between them they started talking again.

Have you had sex before?

Yes. Suvel's answer was unhesitating and mater of fact.

Why? She looked down in her tea cup. I do not understand why you would want such pain.

Aier, it is not meant to be a painful act. Sex, is meant to be pleasurable and positive experience.

But it is not! Why does no one believe me when I say that?

Your memories are not of pleasant experiences we know this and we believe you. Zinnia looked up to Suvel. Your Ada believes you as well though maybe he did not understand that you thought his words mean otherwise. You have to understand that what happened to you was wrong. Technically it was sex yes, but it was nonconsensual.

Sometimes I wanted his attention so he would not hit Alar though.

That does not matter. It was still wrong. He should never have treated you in such a manner. What he did to you was traumatic and very scary, it is not how sex is supposed to be. That is rape, it is abuse, force and coercion are not supposed to be part of what sex entails. With the right person sex is everything your Ada and also Ethiel and Tonan told you. It is beautiful and powerful, something to be treasured with those you care for.

Do they want to hurt you?

Who?

The. . the males. . your partner. Do they want to hurt you? Tonan said he did not wish to hurt Ethiel. That he cares for her and wanted to express that.

No, no real pain is intended. No pain that is meant to cause fear. Sex is usually how close couples in relationships that pass beyond friendship express their joy to be with the other. Suvel watched as Zinnia disregarded her tea and pulled her legs to her chest.

I will never let another touch me like that again.

It is your choice aier, but please do not use what you have went through as the way it is meant to be with a partner. Suvel frowned slightly as she saw the pain that marred Zinnia's usually joyful face. Perhaps you would like some books on the topic? There are a few in the library that might answer any other questions you do not know how to ask yet, or maybe help you to think of some that you would like to ask.

I. . I would like them.

Would you like a cookie? I made them myself and know that Rúmil was no where near them. Suvel picked up the tray and held it out but it was ignored as was her attempt at humor. She moved it to the table and then slid closer to Zinnia pulling the child into a hug.

He took so much from me. Suvel put her cheek against Zinnia's head, which was pressed against her shoulder.

He did.

I want it back. Zinnia's voice was full of tears and Suvel closed her eyes pulling Zinnia closer to her. Alar. . and everything else he stole from me.

I wish I could give them back to you, as does everyone else. I know your Ada would sacrifice much to be able to do that for you.

But you can not. Suvel's own eyes started to moisten.

No, none can. Zinnia broke down in tears and Suvel started rocking her and comforting her as best she could.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Aier = little one

Ada = Father

Baru = Brown (the stuffed dear)