Chapter 3: Someone is too slow.

The truth always hurt. To know the reason of his existence did not bring Sai any peace, for at that exact moment of revelation, he felt his stopped time start flowing. And he thought he had had eternity to waste.

Across the room, Hikaru was sitting on the couch, his eyes glued to the television. Now, it even hurt to look at him as the jealousy Sai was holding was so easy to be changed into hatred.

It was not fair. First, give him a false sense of secure, a taste of forever, then cruelly rob him of them. It was not fair at all because his talent was much greater than Hikaru, he was sure of it, but only Hikaru would have the chance to continue the way towards the Hand of God. Hikaru had everything Sai couldn't have. A life, a bright future and Go. The more he thought about it, the more intensely he envied the boy. 

From time to time, Hikaru would start to cough violently as he was now coughing, arms holding his stomach, face showed great amount of pain. Sai's spirit sunk lower than possible, plagued by guilty and sadness.  For various time during the nights, he had subconsciously wrapped his ghostly hand around the boy's neck, blindly followed the intense jealousy. Only to jerk away in horror as Hikaru thrashed lightly, coughing and moaning.

Sai doubted that he could do any physical harm to the boy, considering he couldn't even touch him, but his icy aura seemed to affect Hikaru in a way. And was it because of him Hikaru's nightmares came every night much more than ever?  He still couldn't help shuddering thinking of what would have happened if he had had a real body.

It would be easier if Hikaru treated him bad. But no, instead of being selfish as usual, the boy's behaviors to him in those days were those of a kind heart. Giving Sai more of his free time, letting Sai playing with other Go players, it was driving him crazy. Because of Hikaru's kindness, love did not fade. He never thought such hatred and love towards a single person could exist.

***

Hikaru's eyes did not leave the television but his mind was on something else.  Something far more important than those stupid shows. Such as why Sai had acted so cold to him lately.

He could say that something was troubling his guardian. He never told Sai about this, but he had been secretly considering the ghost someone he couldn't live without, someone that protected not his physical body but his heart and soul.

So now, Sai's apathy tore his very soul. What else it could be if not apathy? Sai had rarely spoken to him a word for the whole week, especially after their visit to Hikaru's grandfather's house.  Sai's Go was lacking of the usual fire in some and extremely aggressive in others, crushing him in only some early minutes of the games.  What had happened that pushed Sai away from him in such a short time? Hikaru did ask Sai about it but Sai only snapped or yelled at him in anger.

He coughed again, lately he kept having this terrible cold that worn him out. As if Sai's strange behaviors aren't bad enough, he had to deal with an illness that even the doctor failed to find out the cause.

However, it was not the physical illness that made his nightmares came more frequently.

The phone rang, as Hikaru answered it, his eyes widen in excitement. He was invited for the Japanese Go Institute Seminar that would take place in the weekends of the next week. He wouldn't have to pay a coin on the cost of traveling, and accommodation for two days. It was thrilling to know that he would actually play the role of a pro for the first time. Besides, the seminar brought the chance of healing the wounded friendship between Sai and him, which warmed his heart much more than any other reasons.

As he put down the phone, Hikaru turned to Sai, who had his eyes downcast, staring at nothing while sitting silently at a corner. Hikaru winced at the pathetic sight of the Go player. "Sai," he said, and as Sai looked up at him questioningly, he tried to give him what he thought a warm smile. "I just received an invitation to come to a Japanese Go Institute Seminar as a pro. Think of it. There would be many famous pros. I'm expected to show them my strength ne? And I think I may let you play, too."

Sai didn't show the slightest sign of excitement, in stead, his eyes darkened. "As a pro? Your strength? You may let me play?" Sai's thought echoed in Hikaru's head. He backed away from the ghost a step as a strange mixed expression crossed his face. Jealousy, hurt, hatred, something close to murder and something else he couldn't make out.

Wordlessly, the newly become pro retreated to his room, not caring if Sai was following him or not. The disturbing expression existed on Sai's face for only a few seconds, but it carved into his memory.

Once in his room, Hikaru slid to the ground. His heart threatened to jump out of his chest and....

...slowly, his hands rose. Hikaru stared at them dazedly. Could it be possible? His hands were shaking.

It was an emotion at Hikaru never thought nor wished that he would experience because of Sai. Fear.

***

Sai's hidden jealousy and Hikaru's confusion and uneasy had sunk the trip in silence as each Go player followed his own thoughts. The funny thing was that they both thought of the other but no one dared to initiate the conversation.

It was until Ogata sensei demanded to play with Sai that the silence between them shattered.

"Let's play him" Sai spoke with a faint sadness in his voice.

"Being selfish again?" Hikaru just couldn't help feeling furious that the first thing Sai decided to tell him in that day was just a demanding selfishness.

"If he is this drunk then it'll be fine. Couldn't you help me something that simple? You have everything but I have no thing except Go."

Hikaru blinked. Is that what's it about? He was about to say something but decided against it. He nodded and turned to the older pro.

Sai watched wordlessly as Hikaru tricked the other man into playing him. He knew it wouldn't be much of a game but still, little was better than nothing. He only hoped to satisfy some of the other man's passion.

The unnamed anger started to rise up again, fueled by jealousy. When they were followed Ogate sensei to his room, it had risen up to the point he could barely control it. But it was at that time that Hikaru chose to send him a message that made his blood frozen and boiling at the same time. "I thought you knew it already. But I was wrong. Anyway, I don't mind telling you this again. Sai, Go is not the only thing you have. You have me. Have you ever thought of it?"

Sai was shocked. Hikaru's words sent a wave of shame, sadness and longing through him. Those mixed with anger and jealousy, creating a turbulent storm of emotion that invaded his consciousness.  And in the middle of the storm, a memory kept coming back into his mind. A conversation that had taken place not long ago.

*Flash back*

"Sai, promise me."

"Promise what?"

"Baka. Promise me that you will tell me the reason someday."

 "Yes, I promised."

*End Flash back*

***

"Where is your roommate? It's late." Sai asked.

"Where he is now, of course." Hikaru shrugged, then smiled. "Just kidding. I'm glad that you speak to me again but sometimes, I find it hard to believe that you're with me all the time. Nagae-kun and Yokoi-kun said that they wouldn't go back to our room until 11 pm. So tell me, do you want to play a game?"

"I..." Sai didn't know what to say. Hikaru had showed him only kindness and all what he gave the young pro was his selfishness. "Why aren't you angry with me? I've ignored you for such a long time?"

"I can guess the reason of your silence. To tell the truth, I'm a little hurt. Don't say anything. I understand. After all you're just a human. And no human is perfect." Seeing something still troubled the ghost, Hikaru frown. "What's the matter? Are you still angry with me?"

"No, no. It's not that." Sai quickly shook his head. "I... I just want to know..."

"Just say it. It's not like I'm going to punish you for what you say."

"I want to know if you really mean what you said in the corridor." Sai forced the words out, dreading that Hikaru would say it meant nothing to him.

"OF course." Hikaru quickly answered. Too quickly that it made Sai up sad.

"How can you say something like that so easily?" Sai asked, his eyes downcast. "Please don't say something that you don't meant it."

"But I mean it, Sai."

"Don't say that." Sai cried, turning away. "Your friendship is not enough for me. What else can you give me anyway?"

Sai's words sank to the dimness of the room. Then there were some swishing sounds as Hikaru left the mattress. He wended his way to Sai and stopped in front of the older man. Looked up into Sai's eyes, he said. "So tell me what do you want?"

As Sai was too stunned to answer, Hikaru continued, placing a hand on his heart for emphasis. "I'll give you anything that you want of me. They're all yours. My heart. My soul. My everything."

"I..." Sai was unable to make any speech. Things just happened too fast for his liking. Did Hikaru know what he was saying?

Hikaru shook his head in annoyance. "You're too slow. So if you don't want to play Go, I'll go to sleep now." As he climbed under the blanket, he said softly, almost inaudible, but he knew Sai would be able to hear it. "I thought my feeling was one-sided but now, I know it's returned. Just don't make me wait too long."

End chapter 3.