To Give Hikaru no Go a Yaoi Meaning - The Dream We Share

Chapter 5 - Where dreams and reality meet

Kaga groaned and stirred. Sai turned his gaze to him with hatred. He knelt down and raised his fist, intended to beat Kaga to death, but then Sai froze as someone hold back his fist and a familiar voice cut off his anger. "Don't do that, Sai."

Sai turned back. Standing before him was Hikaru, not the Hikaru he used to know but an older version of the boy. Slowly, his eyes traveled up and down the one before him, trying to take in all the differences.

This Hikaru was about twenty. He looked more like a man than a boy, though his face was still boyish. His clothes were the same as Hikaru's uniform. It was the confidence radiating from every of his movement that marked the greatest difference between them.

"Who... who are you?" Sai gasped.

"I'm sad. You forget your Hikaru already?" Hikaru faked a sad expression.

"But..."

Not waiting for Sai to finish his sentence, Hikaru grabbed Sai's wrist and pulled him up, then dragged him forcefully out of there.

"Wait, Hikaru, where are you taking me to?" Sai tried to ask. But Hikaru ignored him and kept dragging him far away from that classroom and into the corridor. Then he abruptly stopped.

"What's wrong with you?" Sai asked, breathing heavily. He had to lean to the wall for support. He didn't remember human body was so weak. Being a ghost, he could fly around the whole Japan maybe in just a day. And Hikaru didn't even sweat.

"Want to know?" Hikaru smirked almost evilly. "I'm just too frustrated not to taste you for such a long time."

"What?" Sai snapped his head up in disbelief. "What did you just say?"

"Have trouble hearing? I said I want to have a taste of you." Hikaru just shrugged. He swiftly closed the space between him and Sai. Before the ghost could react, he pressed Sai to the wall behind them.

Sai couldn't do anything else. Hikaru's eyes burnt into him, seemed to suck out his soul completely. He could feel the warmth of the other's body even with all the clothes separating them. And the way their groins grinding to each other was... it was driving him crazy.

Grabbing the back of Sai's head, Hikaru dove, capturing his lips in an intense kiss. Sai was too shock to respond, but Hikaru kept putting more pressure until Sai open his mouth and returning his passion.

After few more seconds, Hikaru broke the kiss and licked lightly across Sai's lips one last time then sighed. "I've wanted this for so long." He murmured as his head half rested on Sai's shoulder, his arms encircled Sai's waist.

Desire burnt through him like wild fire. Sai wanted to tell Hikaru so many things but he found himself unable to make a word. In the end, he gave up conversation and just pulled Hikaru's face up, this time initiating the kiss. Despite the previous performance of domination, Hikaru submitted to him immediately. The young man held him closer and opened his lips to let the demanding tongue in.

"I... Hikaru... I think I lov..." Sai whispered as their lips parted.

A finger placed on his mouth. "Stop. Don't say that."

Sai took the hand and subconsciously tightened his hold on it. Hikaru winced, but didn't pull away. "Why?" Sai asked. "You have no feeling for me? Then what is this game?"

Hikaru shook his head sadly. "I love you, but..."

His hand was released; he turned and walked a few steps away from Sai. "But those words you should save for someone else."

Straightening up, Sai stormed towards the young man. Grasping his shoulder, Sai turned him around rather forcefully. "You kissed me. Are you going to say you were just playing a game here? Only you matter to me. No body else."

Hikaru shrugged his hands off, but kept the eyes contact firmly. "You don't understand. I love you and I never doubted your feelings for Hikaru Shindou. But I'm not really him."

Those large eyes became so glassy. Suddenly he had the feeling he was looking into the eyes of a doll, a pretty doll. And the words Hikaru had just said confused him greatly. "You... What do you mean?"
The young man smiled, though there's no humor in his expression. "I am Hikaru Shindou, and at the same time, I am not him"

"I don't understand." Sai whispered, one hand flew up to clasp on his mouth, thus making his voice barely audible. "So all of this is just my imagination? Just my dream after all?"

"Wrong." Hikaru answered, coldly and a little accusingly. "This is not yours, but his imagination, his dreams. Dreams are not real, but emotions and memories are always real."

"I..." Sai trailed off, suddenly breathing seemed too painful. "Then who are you? If this is Hikaru's memories, why are you here?"

The young man walked closer to him. Slowly, he reached for the ghost's hand and guided it to his heart. "Feel my presence, Sai."

Sai closed his eyes automatically and let him feel. At first, there was only blankness, then a familiar presence knocked at the door of his mind. He smiled slightly inside and let it in. Immediately, he was overwhelmed with Hikaru's warm existence. But there was something different too; this Hikaru's aura was much stronger and more confident than that of the Hikaru he was familiar with. Sai could tell the aura was even darker and more dangerous.

"You... but you said..."

"I know you would think of God, but it was me who brought you here. I'm not Hikaru, for like you, I'm not real. But I'm also Hikaru for I'm everything that he wants to be but refuses himself. I'm his dreams, his hopes, his desires, and Sai..." Hikaru's voice suddenly lost its coldness. "I'm carrying in my heart his love as well."

Sai stared at this Hikaru in shock. What he was saying was so unbelievable, but at the same time, it explained everything. And as the burning emotions in those bright eyes craved deep into his soul, Sai realized every single word of Hikaru was true. He touched Hikaru's cheek hesitatingly. "I... I think I believe you. But then... What am I doing here?"

"If you want to know, if you really care about Hikaru, try to think with his mind, see with his eyes and feel with his heart." The older version of Hikaru answered.

"I want to. But I'm not him. How can I feel the world as him?"

"Let me lend you his mind, his eyes, his heart." Hikaru leaned in and pressed his lips gently over Sai's.

It wasn't even a light kiss. But as they touched, a link was formed between them. The warm presence returned. Sai opened his mind to welcome it, but he didn't expect a whirlwind of emotions to follow. It seemed he was drowning in a sea of loneliness. Hopeless desire and unreturned friendship burnt so brightly while the pain of self hatred, fear and humiliation were freezing him up. All was bottled up under the perfect mask of a carefree boy to the point of suffocating.

And above all, it was an overwhelming love, dimming everything else.

"What... what's this?" Sai choked. Tears began to form in his eyes. "Hikaru couldn't have felt all of this. He shouldn't have."

"But these feelings are real." Hikaru said and released Sai. Without support, Sai fell to his knees, unable to stand the intense of those emotions. Hikaru sighed and touched his forehead. "I'm sorry for making you feel all of these feelings. Let me take them back."

Hikaru's hand was so warm. From the place where their skin met, the warmth spread and made the pain fade. It dimmed the link between them as well.

"He... he really loves me." His voice was full with emotions. He accepted Hikaru's offering hand to help him up. "But why there is so much pain?"

Hikaru lowered his voice. "Being with you has never been easy. Go has taken away most of Hikaru's free time. Back to those days, walking to school and being isolated... friends... what precious friends I have... always being abandoned by them... being thought as an arrogant boy who used his talent to look down on others... and the memories of Kaga's lessons were always fresh even though he had left school. And... and you seemed to care only for your Go..."

"I never thought I had brought Hikaru so much pain." Sai whispered, feeling tears coming to his eyes again, but they refused to break free. He felt as if the young man could see through every of his mind barrier even though Hikaru didn't look at him.

"And..." Hikaru continued. "... and when those tumultuous emotions collided in dreams, I was born. I was the form he took to face with the demons of his nightmares. I gave him the strength he needs to go on. I thought I would continue our life this way forever, but..." Hikaru closed his eyes, but didn't stop talking. "Though I love you so much, Hikaru loves you so much... One side love soon became not enough. Being with you hurts so much. Sai, we hurt. We are so tired of just giving and giving and not receiving anything back."

"...I'm so tired, Sai..."

To be continued...