To give Hikaru no Go a yaoi meaning - The dream we share

Kal Kally

Chapter 6 - Searching for his heart

"I'm so tired, Sai."

Those words were full of sadness. Sai felt as if each word had turned into steel, penetrating his soul more efficient than any knife. He had never realized being with him could bring Hikaru so much pain. Even in this form, where strength and confidence combined to create its life force, Hikaru still looked so lonely, so forlorn.

Without thoughts, he pulled Hikaru to him and wrapped his arms around that delicate body. "I never realized… I was so trapped in my selfishness that your suffering didn't catch my eyes. I was so blind. I'm sorry, so sorry, Hikaru…"

Hikaru leaned to him for a second then pulled away. "Don't talk of being sorry. It won't do anything useful. No words of yours can chase away the past. You can't take back what you had given."

That was harsh. Sai bit his lips. "Then it was too late? You won't forgive me, won't you?" Just thinking of Hikaru hating him brought the ghost sharp pain directly to his heart. Hesitantly, he raised his hand towards Hikaru's cheek but didn't dare to touch the skin, afraid of being rejected again.

"I won't forgive you." Hikaru said.

It hurt. Sai dropped his hand. Even when he committed suicide or when he cried over the death of Torajiro more than just a life time ago, it didn't hurt this much. The feeling of having what he had always desired without knowing it, and then lost it by his own fault gave birth to bitterness and regret, more painful than he had ever felt.

Sai half turned away. It was his fault after all. "I understand. I have no right to ask anything from you. Maybe you won't believe it, but I've never wanted to hurt you. It's all because of my selfishness. I won't let myself be lost in that selfishness ever again. If you want, I… I'll return to that goban."

"No!" Hikaru cried. His hand caught Sai's upper arm as he pulled Sai back to face him. "You misunderstand it. I said I won't forgive you for I have never blamed you."

"But how can it be?" Sai asked, stunned.

"Sai, I'm hurt. But this is the way we chose. Hikaru doesn't regret. I don't. Even if I can turn back time, we'll surely walk this way again. If I want to blame you, I'd rather throw everything at your face while I'm still awake. If I want to get rid of you, I'd rather wait until your time is over, and then I'll never have to deal with you."

"You know. How…" Sai said quietly. "I've tried to tell Hikaru, but he doesn't understand."

"He guessed. But he just ignored. Didn't I tell you I formed from all the things that he denies himself to be?"

"I…"

"Let me finish. What I want to say is that I managed to bring you here, and I would willingly get to my knees and beg if needed. Please try to make thing right when you still have time. Don't let this emotion die before it's born."

"But I don't know ho--" Sai looked down, admitted shamefully. He didn't finish his sentence and snapped his head up in alarm as Hikaru suddenly screamed, hugging his chest and flopped forward into Sai's arms.

"What's wrong?" Sai asked.

"He hurts." Hikaru gasped out. "The real Hikaru. He hurts so much. There's much more pain than ever. I… " His words died out as he squeezed his eyes shut and leaned to Sai heavily.

"What happened to Hikaru?" Sai was close to panic, but the other didn't answer. He just shuddered in the ghost's arms, his face a mask of agony. Sai felt as if the pain had transferred to him as well. Hikaru shouldn't have felt pain at all. He didn't know why, but an image of a smiling Hikaru he had seen on the first day they met flickered through his mind, upsetting him even more.

The shudders became less, but not vanished completely. Hikaru's breath got steadier. He jerked out of Sai's hold and dragged himself to the wall and sat down. "You have to find him, Sa--"

A horrible noise cut off his words as the earth trembled underneath them. "What--" Sai cried and barely dodged a large piece of the ceiling crashing down. Ceilings and walls cracked, dust and small pieces of bricks started to fall on them.

"I've reached my limit." Hikaru's voice was trembling. "I could receive no more anger and sadness from him. The link has closed, but emotions keep generating from his heart and flowing into me."

Another earthquake came. It went away quickly, but it was much more violent. The whole building trembled. Broken glass from windows and more dust and pieces of bricks fell down. Sai looked up at the cracked ceiling then turned his gaze back to Hikaru. "We have to get out of here." He said and got down on one knee, intended to gather Hikaru into his arms.

However, his hands went straight through Hikaru's body. A wave of fear rippled through his body. Had he once again returned to a bodiless ghost?

As if reading his mind, Hikaru shook his head. "No. It's not you. It's me. I don't belong to Hikaru's dream. He doesn't know about the existence of me. When the dream comes to an end, emotions become so strong and I can't make myself a part of his dream anymore."

Hikaru gestured their surroundings. "All of these are created by pieces of his memories. It is a dream created by me. When I am too weakened by the pain I receive from him, this dream will shatter and his dream will start to form. God." His face twisted as he placed a hand on his eyes, as if wanting to block himself from everything. "It happens every night. It happens every time sleep claims him. No matter what I do, I can't stop his dream. His dream always ends with death."

Sai sprang to his feet, stared down at the person at his feet in horror. "No, that's not true. You're lying."

"I don't have a reason to lie to you, do I?" Hikaru managed a weak smile. "You need to find him. You must find him and make things right before his dream ends. Hurry up!"

"What about you?" Sai asked, torn between the wish to go to his Hikaru and the wish to protect this Hikaru. "I can't leave you here."

Hikaru stared up at him with sad eyes but a smile appeared on his lips. "Don't worry about me. Even if I died a thousand times, I would still be reborn if these nightmares didn't really stop. I'm supposed to be happy for the certainty of my existence, right? But when this pain burns so bright, I just want to rest."

"But…" Sai cried and winced as a large piece of brick fell right at their side.

Hikaru curled up, hugging his chest in extreme pain, but his words were clear. "Please help me return to the real Hikaru."

And Sai understood. Making up his mind, he stood up and ran out of that place. At the door, he paused and turned to Hikaru.

"Go!" Hikaru ordered.

Hikaru's eyes were filled with pain and sadness, but there was no regret. Sai nodded and turned away.

He had just run out of the building for a short distance when he heard a terrible noise. Sai swirled around. "Hikaru…" He whispered the name in shock as he stared at the ruins of what had once been Kaze high school.

Everything happened in a blur. The next thing he knew he was digging into the huge pile of bricks with his bare hands. Dust was all over his hair and clothes, and on the back of his left hand was a long gash caused by a shard of broken glass. He wasn't even aware of it. Although he knew that the Hikaru under this ruin was only a Hikaru of dream, an illusion, but his heart was still heavy with pain. It had felt all so real, the roughness of broken bricks under his hands, the sight of destruction before his eyes, the terrible noise he had heard… it felt as if he had abandoned Hikaru to death and run away alone.

Unexpectedly a strange feeling swept through him, making him drop the piece of brick he was holding. A familiar existence tapped at his mind. Sai sensed a warm smile, and suddenly he knew everything was alright.

"Thanks." Sai whispered and slightly bow his head. He glanced at the ruins one last time then ran away.

The noise of buildings collapsing was terrible, and there was so much dust in the air that it was difficult to breathe. Several trees burst into flame, and soon, the houses caught fire. Sai panted heavily as he tied back his left shoe, feeling slightly overwhelmed with all the destruction around him. It was a lucky thing that he was clad in modern clothes in stead of those inconvenient ancient ones or else it would be a nightmare to move around in this collapsing city.

Where was Hikaru? He had looked for the boy everywhere he could think of, but… Sai winced as the two-storey house on his left collapsed. The sound it made hurt his ears. He might have wanted to be alive, to touch, to feel, to smell as a living person; but in a situation like this, he couldn't help thinking that if he were still a ghost, he wouldn't have to feel so much exhaustion and heat.

Taking a deep breath, Sai forced his legs to walk again. He couldn't make it far as a large burning tree suddenly fall in front of him. "What the…" He gasped. For an entire minute, he could only stare at it, his mind blank.

The moment thoughts returned was also the moment when panic hit him with full force. The street behind him was blocked when a high building crumbled earlier. It was no use turning back. He tried to get closer to the burning tree, but found it impossible due to fire and heat. He was truly trapped.

Sai fell to his knees. The broken glass scattering all over the street cut through his jeans and into his skin. He could hardly care though, for panic had turned into despair as he knew this would be the only chance for him and Hikaru. Was this really the end? Were all of his and the strong Hikaru's efforts just for nothing? He had failed…

"God… why…" he groaned brokenly. "I just want to see him. Hikaru… I just want to be by your side…"

Suddenly the on his skin vanished. His eyes opened and words immediately died on his tongue. Around him was no longer the burning street, instead, he found himself standing before the door of Hikaru's house.

"What…?" Sai looked around, shock drown away the joy he should have felt because of being able to escape from that place.

"Why am I here?" He asked himself, standing there for another minute, trying to understand what had happened. Then something clicked, and he laughed. "But of course!"

The house! Hikaru may be in the house! Actually, this was the first place he went to after leaving Hikaru's school, but as the door was lock, he assumed that nobody was in the house. How careless he was. Breathed out in relief, Sai walked hastily to the door, and… fell to the ground as he bumped into it. Sai looked up at the door with an unreadable expression on his face. It sucked to be alive sometimes.

So flying through the door was useless now. Sai grimaced and knocked on it. As he expected, there was no answer. But as he looked up, he knew for sure that Hikaru was here. The house was unharmed even though everything around it had reduced to just piles of bricks, broken glass and ashes. He grimaced again and started to hit the door with his shoulders and knees. In the end, he managed to burst into the house. This time he didn't waste any second and rushed straight to Hikaru's room.

His fingers clenched around the knob, but they loosened before he could yank the door open. Hikaru of the dream had told him of death. With a sinking feeling, he realized if Hikaru did think of anything like that, the least thing he wanted to do would be startling the boy.

So trying to make as little noise as possible, Sai opened the door slightly and peered in. His eyes immediately widened. In front of the window was Hikaru. Even though the boy was standing with his back turned to him, Sai could still see the shape of what he was holding. It was a knife with the sharp point of it pointing at Hikaru's chest.

Chapter 6 End

Kal sweat-drop as she thinks about the time she used to make this chapter. "Anyway, since I've finished this fic in the hand-writing version, the next chapter should be up soon."