Songs About Severus Chapter 2: Harder to Breathe, a harry potter fanfic

SONGS ABOUT SEVERUS
By Hippy Gypsy

PART II--HARDER TO BREATHE

I kicked and screamed the morning I read of Albus Dumbledore's death. I threw things against the wall. I watched them shatter with satisfaction. There was a picture of him in the Daily Prophet that morning as well. A wanted poster of a traitor. That's all he was to me anymore. A traitor. I had branded him. And it didn't matter. I broke and destroyed everything Severus Snape had ever given me in our short months together, and I swore to myself that if I ever saw him again I would do the same to his face.

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

In no time at all there was a trail of glass running alongside my living room wall. Pictures, frames, wine glasses, and goblets, all in pieces. Once everything Severus had shared with me was gone, I started throwing things I knew that had belonged to him that I had never bothered to give back, nor he had asked for.

At some point he began carrying around a Remembrall. The glass shimmered red as it cracked and rained down among the carpet. He had also left an old watch, which had become tarnished with his time away. Gears flew in every direction. I couldn't get enough of smashing everything in sight. It was as if I was thirsty and I had to quench it.

But I knew I was trying to fill a void.

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

My vision blurred in my anger and I leaned against dining room table, nearly in a faint. The heat in my face had risen so high.

Not for the first time that morning, I swore aloud. "I'm never letting him back in my life," I growled. "Even if he begs on his fucking knees, I will never let that fucking man back in my life!"

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I sat down, and expecting it, I had cried. I had so many memories of those short months, and I had no idea what to make of that time we had shared anymore. They were gone. He had screwed it all up. And I was the one left feeling pathetic.

The saddest part is that he had never listened to me. Yes, he had returned to Hogwarts after the last time I had spoken and argued with him, but he took the cowards' way out. He killed the man who had protected him for so long, and went back to the Dark Side.

He listened to himself then. He did run away, but not as originally planned. No, this was even worse.

Again, like the day he had asked me to marry and run away with him, my heart twisted itself.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to what I've said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

I caught my breath as if I had suddenly felt a icy rush down my spine and those thoughts began to run through my head. I ran back to my bedroom and opened the drawer of my nightstand and pulled out something I hadn't looked at in over six months.

I had found it one night after we had made love. As he slept next to me, I had looked over the side of the bed, and I found something tangled in his black blouse, glittering and capturing my attention. It was a silver chain with a three-point Celtic knot hanging from the links. I leaned back against my pillows and examined it, allowing my fingers to rub over the top of the charm. So simple, and yet it fascinated me. It was beautiful, and even though I didn't know what it was, I found it appropriate for him nonetheless.

Severus rolled over and looked at me through sleepless eyes, a few strands of hair falling over his face. He hummed, and I looked down at him. "I thought you were asleep."

He shook his head slightly. "Restless," he whispered. He looked at my hands and blinked.

I smiled. "I found it in your shirt."

He adjusted his pillow and leaned on his side. "It was my father's…one of the only things he ever left me."

"It's really beautiful," I said. He held out his hand, and I gently placed it in his palm. "What is it?"

"It's a triquetra."

"What does it mean?"

He sighed as he examined it, trying to straighten his thoughts. We had both drank a lot of wine that evening. But oddly enough, sometimes even the drunkest thoughts can be the most sacred. "It could have two different meanings actually. Similar, but different."

"Mmm."

He held the charm between his thumb and forefinger and I leaned down next to him, our faces close, watching his delicate hands intertwine themselves throughout the chain. "The Celtic Christian church simply saw it as the three symbols of the holy trinity, as father, son, and spirit. However, it's also a charm of the Wiccan's. They saw it as the triple goddess represented by maid, mother, and crone."

I smiled lightly. "You're right. Different, yet similar."

He examined it for a long moment, and I watched the silver reflect in his eyes. The glittering made my heart skip, as if the chain itself were enchanted. He sighed, then sat up. "Turn around," he said, and he hooked the chain gently around my neck. He pulled back my long hair and kissed my shoulder when he had finished. "I believe the father has run it's course. Maybe the mother goddess will give you more luck."

I had turned back to him at that point, the words barely on my lips, threatening to escape.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up

I began to contemplate if he had ever really loved me, or even if he had ever really been happy with me. I couldn't tell if it was all a lie.

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Even if it was, I decided he was a coward for what he had done. Cowardly and traitorous. There were no other words for it. No other descriptions.

He had told me he'd loved me, but he could've asked me to wait for him. It would've been the right thing. I would have even been a widow for him in the end, if that's what it had meant. I had always thought through it all his heart would be in the right place.

But no. No. He ran.

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control
Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

Later that day, I swept up all of the glass and broken objects, seeing his pale face in every piece. The reflections made me sick to the stomach and I felt nauseous. It killed me to know scum like that had been in my home. It killed me that he had been in my bed…in my heart, in my mind.

I shook as I put everything right in the house again, wondering how in the world I was going to scrub whatever trace of him remained here. I didn't want to be thinking about it for the rest of my life.

It was as if the stench were remaining.

I made a decision that day to erase everything about him from my life. I knew I would have to forgive myself for falling in love with him. And I knew just where to start.

Is there anyone out there cause its getting harder and harder to breathe

I attended the funeral of Albus Dumbledore, the man that Severus Snape had killed.