Songs About Severus Chapter 3: The Sun, a harry potter fanfic

SONGS ABOUT SEVERUS
By Hippy Gypsy
PART III--THE SUN

I couldn't say those first few weeks after the funeral weren't easy. Far from. I found myself looking for ways not to think about him, even sinking to the lowest denominator.

I had a one night stand just so I could forget the way he made love to me. I made myself sick as to how bad I had let my judgment get. I knew I wasn't at his level yet, but I felt like I was catching up. Slowly, but surly. I didn't know how to get up and move on without falling over again. I think that's what seemed to hurt the most about it all.

I threw myself into my work and studies, and it seemed to keep me focused on other things besides my personal life. I tried looking at everything in a different perspective. Maybe it would make me feel happier to be me instead of that person who I was with him. It seemed to make me day dream more and more.

After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past

It wasn't as if I hated myself when I was with him. No. Severus and I had some wonderful times together, but I almost found it to be a sin to look back on those memories and smile. I couldn't love that time in my life anymore. It was a lament.

And sometimes it's a sad song

I was content with getting along by myself until that day I opened my mailbox and found a familiar scrawl upon the envelope. Nothing was in the return address other than a simple 'S.S. Return by owl.'

I caught my breath and sat down upon the front porch steps, reading what ever in the world he had to say to me.

But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

If it wasn't for the fact that I knew what he had done, I probably would've cried and threw myself into his arms. I used to be so naive like that. His letter wasn't pleading, but merely a gothic thank you in a way.

'My Sun,

You would never allow me to call you that again with all that has happened, but I need to communicate somehow, even if I know this will be merely shredded and burned.

You were right, and I never should have run in any sense. I have had nightmares about what I have done and what I have left behind.

I should have listened to my heart rather than my brain for once, and this is where I have found myself. I have laid here for this while only to come to the conclusion that Sirius Black, James and Harry Potter, and you of course were right.

I am a coward, and I deserve whatever sentence is coming to me should I be caught.

I know this makes no sense right now, knowing that I will never know your love and touch again, but I thank you for letting me into your life for those few short months. I cannot repay the memories you have given me, something to look back on and smile when I'm not regretting my pathetic existence. Thank you for letting me be more than I am. My gratitude for that is unyielding, even if the moments did not last.

No tears can ever repay what was done, and I hope you can realize I know I have made this grievous mistake. I hope my death, which I know I will inevitably be repaid with, will bring tears of joy to some like the death of Albus brought tears of bereavement.

Thank you for loving me, even if it is now a memory.

Even though I am not in your heart, you are in mine, and…

I remain,

Severus'

Moving on down my street
I see people I won't ever meet
Think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes it's a sad song

A lump formed in my throat as I sat there, and I couldn't decide if it was anger or anguish. I swallowed it down, only to feel a few tears escape from my eyes and fall onto the parchment.

I suddenly felt that I couldn't go home. I couldn't enter there alone, knowing what I knew. I walked the street, just wandering, trying to make it that I faced the wind head on so maybe the breeze could dry my tears. I didn't think I had the strength to wipe them away myself. I thought it would be hypocritical of me if I had done that, admitting he still had an effect on me.

How dare he try to walk into my life again! How dare he put me through this! Anger over threw sorrow, and I simply damned his existence.

I decided after a mile of walking to stop in a café , and despite my better judgment, I began to think of everything over and over again, and what I would say when I replied to his letter. Yes, I was going to. I was going to tell him to stay out of my life forever, or however long that would be for him. I couldn't go on fretting like this. I wouldn't allow myself to do it.

I began to think maybe a dementor would suck out his soul, but maybe that wouldn't be enough for him. Maybe Draco would die, and that would simply be that. Or maybe Harry Potter would catch up with him before a Ministry official would.

And maybe his own "master" would finish him off himself.

We had been in this cafe together once, and only once. It was where I had met him. While he simply had his Earl Grey, I sat drinking a latte flavored with a mint liquor. He had never cared for mint, and it always seemed to bother me for some reason. But I shook myself coming back to reality for the moment. Why in the hell did I care? Why do I still?

"It leaves a horrible aftertaste in my mouth," he had said so long ago.

I had raised an eyebrow over my cup. "You hate mint?" He simply took a deep drink of his tea in reply. "Okay Mr. Snape. So what do you like in your coffee?"

He placed his cup down and replied, "Nutmeg."

"Nutmeg?"

"It does wonders for the palate."

I never understood the mint thing. It always made me hate him, even if just for a little, just for that simple fact that he just didn't seem…normal. I had argued it over and over to myself. Even if I didn't understand it.The rhythm of her conversation

The perfection of her creation

The sex she slipped into my coffee

The way she felt when she first saw me

Hate to love and love to hate her

Like a broken record player

Back and forth and here and gone

And on and on and on and on

I only read that letter twice, and the second time I did was when I returned home that evening. The first words bothered me the most.

About a week into our "relationship," he had given me the label "my sun." He had said something about me seemed to shine through on him. I told him I merely hated pet names. I had simply called him Severus, but he never let it drop. I was always his "sun."

There was no other emotion I could muster from off of that piece of parchment, and knowing I would have no regret about it, I tore it into four pieces, ignited it with my cigarette lighter, and watched his "thank you" burn away in the ash tray where he belonged.