Title: Playing House (real title pending)
Chapter: 01 - Papa? When did THIS happen?
Pairing: Roy x Ed
Genre: Romance, yaoi, humor
Summary: Roy's womanizing past catches up on him when he least expects it... how will he and Ed handle this?
Rating: Currently PG-13 (for potty-mouth Ed), but may end up higher in later chapters.
Note: This is based on an old RPG I used to run... The idea just wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it out. I suppose in some ways you could say that my Edward (littlepen) is a co-author, at least for the first few chapters.
It's not really canon... the RPG strayed from the series before episode twenty-five and thus certain things may be off in this fanfic.
Hopefully the next chapter will be more eventful. I'm still trying to get everything together so that the adventures of the Mustang/Elric family can begin.

-

Roy Mustang really had no idea what to do with a child. He'd really never considered it, outside of the few times that Hughes had roped him into watching Elysia for him. And those times he could just hand her back to her parents after awhile to take care of all the hard stuff.

But this time HE was the parent. And he really had no idea how to react to that news. He'd had no warning, after all.

"Honestly, Mustang! What kinds of whores were you fucking back then that they'd pop out a kid and not even bother to TELL you!" Edward ranted, totally summing up Roy's train of thought.

Of course, it led to other options as well.

"Exactly. There's no proof that this child really is mine, is there!" Roy exclaimed, sounding rather pleased with his answer. Edward just gave him a disbelieving look and pointed to the little boy, whom was sitting at the kitchen table eating some cereal.

"He looks just like a mini-you, dipshit. Honestly, it's enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life..."

Roy looked crestfallen. It was true after all. The boy was his spitting image. There was no doubt in his mind that the child was his.

"Hey Papa, who's he?" The little boy piped up, pointing to Ed. Roy blinked and looked thoughtful.

"Well, he's Edward... my... friend."

"I'm the damn most important person in your Papa's life, and he'd better not fucking forget it!"

Roy gave Edward a patronizing look.

"Language, Edward."

"Oops. Sorry." Edward replied sheepishly. Really. It wasn't his fault that this whole thing had him so on edge. How was he supposed to react upon learning that his lover had a four year old son? He'd bet that Roy knew about it too, and had just been hiding it too.

Or not, judging by the shell-shocked look on Roy's face as he took the kid's (Zachary, was it?) bowl to the sink.

Okay. So the man hadn't known, and thus hadn't been hiding it. He was still allowed to be pissed off about it. Even if it DID happen four years ago. When he was only twelve and not at all somebody that could hope to capture Roy Mustang's affection. It was perfectly normal, and he WASN'T jealous. Not one bit.

"...what are you thinking about?" Roy asked, giving Ed a weird look as he stood in the doorway holding his son.

"Huh? Oh, nothing, you asshole." Edward replied, scowling. Roy just shrugged it off as typical behavior for his lover.

"Well, I'm going to bathe Zachary and lay him down for a nap. And then I'm calling Maes to come over. I need advice."

---

Edward flopped down on the couch with a book and tried to take in all that had occurred while his lover bathed the four year old boy. Or at least tried to bathe the boy, judging by the sounds drifting in from the master bathroom.

Edward briefly debated going in and assisting his dumbass lover in his attempt to bathe the kid, but he really didn't have any more of an idea how to bathe a four year old boy than Roy did.

"Niisan? Why are you reading that book upside-down?"

Edward jumped about five feet from the surprise of hearing his brother's voice, and snapped his head up to see his recently-restored brother with his arms full of groceries.

"Thank goodness, Al! You'll never believe what happened! Roy has a fucking KID!" Edward exclaimed, jumping up to his feet.

Alphonse blinked a few times, looking rather surprised.

"He has a kid? When did this happen?"

---

Hughes couldn't stop laughing. And it was REALLY getting on Roy Mustang's nerves. Couldn't the man treat this situation more seriously?

"Ha ha ha... You have a KID? It figures, with the rate you go..." Hughes spared a glance at the glaring Edward and amended his statement, "WENT through girls!"

"Damn straight it's went. He'd fucking better NOT be going through girls at that rate. Not when he has ME!"

"Don't worry, Edward. I'm not suicidal enough to cheat on you."

"Good." The way Ed said it made it seem more like their own brand of sappy endearments than anything else.

"Ahem. I hate to interrupt you two lovebirds, but don't we need to discuss Mustang's kid?" Al pointed out, glancing into the bedroom at Zachary, whom was still sound asleep.

"Yeah. I have to figure out who the mother is and what to do about the kid." Roy stated. Hughes shrugged.

"Well, I'll use my network to see if I can identify the mother, but you have to give me a list of the girls you dated around the time he would have been conceived. As for your options, I say you should raise him! Having a child is a delightful experience, if I do say so myself! And since you've already found a wife-"

Roy and Al both backed up a bit so as to avoid Edward's outraged screech.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING HIS WIFE!" The boy ranted, waving his arms around.

In the other room Zachary opened his eyes and looked around (awoken by his new stepmother's screeching, no doubt).

"Well, I suppose that I should keep him. After all, I can't just abandon him, or send him back to a mother that would..." Roy reasoned, once his lover had calmed down enough for him to speak.

"That is true, Roy. What the hell kind of woman were you bonking back then?" Hughes asked. Edward smirked.

"I asked him the same thing. Clearly his taste has improved greatly since then, seeing as now he's with someone like ME..." Edward gloated, finding this an ample opportunity to point out to Roy how much better he was than his ex-lovers, as well as to fish for some praise.

"Don't be too full of yourself, Edward."

"What is THAT supposed to mean?"

Al rolled his eyes and crept out of the room to check on the newly awakened boy, whom looked up at him with big eyes.

"Who are you, mister?" Zach asked. Al smiled and patted the boy's head.

"I live here too. I'll be your Uncle Alphonse." He told the boy. The boy smiled.

"Can you be my big brother instead?" the boy asked, jumping onto Al.

"...well... I don't see why not." Al agreed, looking at the boy reluctantly. What a friendly kid. It was good that he could smile like this even after being left in a strange place. It was a lot for a child his age to go through, after all.

"Cool! I've never had a big brother before! This is great! I get a Papa and a big brother in the same day!" Zachary exclaimed. Al raised an eyebrow. There was no mention of Ed in the above statement.

"Actually, I think it's more like two big brothers. You've met my brother, Edward, right?" Al pointed out. A reluctant look crossed Zach's young face.

"Oh yeah... that noisy, mean guy that clings to Papa. I don't want him as a brother."

Alphonse blinked. The kid didn't like his niisan? Well, that was going to make life here a little more difficult.

In the other room Roy and Edward continued their bickering while Maes tried to intercept with pictures of his daughter.

tbc