Dark Addiction
By: Rogue Fox
A/N: Okay, I'm back. You wanna know why? This fic got more reviews in one day than I've ever had any fic get! You guys seem to like it, so I guess I'll keep it going. It gives me a break from The Game of Life, anyway, and I seriously need that. In this one, we will be taking a look at the inner workings of the mind of everyone's favorite resident loony (not me! ^_^), Malik Ishtar. I seriously like this guy, and I have yet to seem him with more than two lines on the actual show. Dumb dub. v_v If he seems a little out of character, please don't hurt me. I'm going off of what I've read about him, and how he's been portrayed in fics that I've read. I'm also borrowing a little from my personality, which is, according to just about every YGO personality test I've ever taken, almost exactly like his, so there! Just don't be too mad at me. Same POV throughout the fic, no worries. You know the drill. Malik refers to Yami Malik (or Ishtar, whatever you call that scary dude) as Yami. That kinda of thing. And I think you guys have the key thing down, so I won't do it. I figure you're all intelligent people... Right? Anyway, on with the fic!
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Insanity is really not nearly as bad as everyone says.
No, I'm serious. I really am! Oh, I know what you're thinking. This, from a loon like me? Well, aren't you just the know it all? I'm willing to bet you don't know anything. Nothing about anything at all. You don't know me, you don't know him, and you don't know anything! Right, good job, Malik, let's just convince them you're stark raving mad. And make it worse by talking to yourself! And answering! Great.
I'm not really that crazy. I'm cupcakes compared to my yami. I'm perfectly freaking normal next to him. But then, the yami is supposed to outdo the hikari in a lot of areas. And the hikari is supposed to outdo the yami in others. It's just the laws of conservation at work. For every action, there is a reaction. For every quirk of mine, he has one to contradict it. That's why I hate him. That's why I love him. That's why I can't live without him. And that's why I'm so damn screwed up.
There have been times when I've wanted more than anything to throw that damned Rod out the window and never, ever see it again. But I couldn't. I'd open the window, I'd pull my arm back, I'd get ready to throw it. But I'd never throw it. Whether he was holding me back, or it was just some personal weakness, or something about the yami/hikari relationship, I don't know. All I know is that he's still here.
No hikari has the perfect yami, and no yami has the perfect hikari. We all drive each other absolutely crazier than we already were. We all hate each other, but we love each other, and for some stupid reason we can't seem to ever let go. But you know what? I've noticed something about my yami. He's crazy. He's a lunatic. He's homicidal. I've seen him running around in darkened streets with blood all over him, laughing like the damned loon he is. But despite that, he's absolutely terrified. Of what, you ask? I have no earthly, or otherwise, idea. And he's not alone. That Pharaoh is too, and so is Bakura. They're scared. But just the yamis. We hikaris keep skipping along in the so-called "bliss" the yamis say we live in. Some bliss. I've had nightmares nicer than my reality.
I don't know what scares my yami so bad, but I know what scares me.
" You damn little-" he slipped into Egyptian, cursing me in more ways than I had previously thought possible. I stored the new ones away in my memory to shove back in his face when he wasn't in such a murderous mood. Isis was out. Thank the gods. I have no doubt either she or he would have been dead by now, and seeing as how she was my only family and he was my soul mate, I really wanted them both alive. However, killing something or someone was all that was on my yami's mind.
So I hid. I'm very good at hiding. My yami isn't abusive, persay. Just... oh, what does Ryou call it... violent. Yeah, he's violent. Very violent. And scary. And angry. And... Oh damn, I thought. He had come storming into the room I was in. Double damn, I added mentally. He was pissed. More so than ordinary. Who knew if I was the cause of his anger or not? It certainly didn't matter to him. He wanted something to hurt, though, and I wasn't eager to volunteer. After he had calmed down, he'd find me anyway. And then... Well, that was certainly more pleasant to think about than if he found me now. He stopped in the middle of the room, lost in whatever twisted thing that passes as thought in that warped mind of his.
" I know you're in here." He said suddenly. I decided to use soul talk. He wouldn't be able to identify the source that way.
/ You sure?/ I asked. I can be just as warped as him.
" How else would you hear me?" he asked smugly. Ah, I thought, clever. But I'm not your hikari for nothing.
/ These walls aren't soundproof, and you're no creature of silence./ I retorted. He wheeled around, trying to find me. In the closet, loony, I thought. This was very amusing.
" You want me to explain what will happen if I find you?" he asked.
/ No, not really./ I thought back, wincing physically.
" I won't kill you." He promised.
/ That might have worked on someone else, but not me. You can't kill me. Not without killing yourself./ I thought, feeling very smug.
" Fine. I won't hurt you." He said, sounding very calm. I'm no idiot. I'm not entirely stable, but my reasoning is still very much intact. That's the scariest about him, though. He's crazy and destructive and evil in every way possible. But he's a smart loon. A very smart loon. You've heard the phrase "evil genius?" He gives it an entirely new meaning.
/ Now I just don't believe you./ I said bluntly.
" Why ever not?" he asked, trying to mimic my innocent tone I use when Isis is accusing me, usually correctly, of something. Unfortunately for him, he does not seem to have an innocent tone.
/ Even you can't change moods that fast./ I snickered.
" So little faith in your yami, dear little Malik." He murmured. That damn murmur of his has lured me out of many a hiding place. I didn't want to come out! Gods only knew what would happen if I did. He could go any direction. I could end up with a swollen lip and nothing more, or I could be quivering in a corner begging for mercy. Or, I could be laying on the nearby bed... Hm... But, he didn't appear to be in that kind of mood.
/ I'm not coming out./ I growled.
" We can have fun." He promised. Now, here's the irony; he never keeps his promises. Unless, he thinks he'll benefit from it. He's unpredictable, and I've long since given up trying. But, I'm closer to him than anyone will ever get, and I'm too close for my own good. When you're sleeping with a homicidal maniac, you're not exactly considering your personal safety.
Well, I'll be damned, I thought as he growled and stormed out of the room. Oh, wait, I already am, I corrected myself, smiling wryly. I'd just give him a while to cool down, then he'd come and find me and do or say something sweet that would make me forgive him.
Damned. That's funny word. I looked it up in a few dictionaries once, and almost all of them agreed that the word "damned" means "having been cursed." At least, that's the gist of it. Except for one. The one that didn't say that said "being of a cursed or Satanic nature." That was one of the older dictionaries. I find it funny, personally. I showed it to my yami and he laughed that maniacal laugh and then kissed me. Ferociously.
" You're not damned. I am. That's why you're mine." He told me. I smiled when he did, but then again, he is a lunatic. To prove my point, I remember that he was running around the house screaming something about oranges being out to kill chocolate bars twenty minutes after I showed him the definition of damned. I think. He's hard to understand when he gets like that. I wonder a lot how much of his fits are staged just for appearance, and how many are true psychotic episodes.
I've studied psychology in my spare time. It's very interesting. I advise you to read a little about it. I keep trying to figure out what makes my yami so weird, but I never can. He's sort of antisocial, a personality disorder characterized by lack of conscience and distorted view of right and wrong. People with antisocial personality disorder are destructive, often angry, but they don't feel emotions like concern, love, or happiness. Well, they feel happiness. When they've just brutally murdered someone. My yami's like that, but he does feel love. I know that. He's not a disorganized schizophrenic, because he is very in touch with reality. He just ignores it most of the time. He's not bipolar, because he doesn't really get depressed, or euphoric. Well, he gets euphoric. For very odd reasons. But not depressed. So I gave up trying to figure out what he was.
I stretched as best I could, crouched in that stupid closet. I couldn't hear any more crashes as he overturned things looking for me. It sounded like he had calmed down. To punctuate my thoughts, he came into the room. He radiated a feeling of calm, and I knew he wasn't angry at whatever had brought on his rage anymore.
" I know you're in here." He said. He may have been calm, but I wasn't going to give him the illusion that I'd come scurrying back when he spoke with a calm voice. He's a damn good actor, and I knew he would use that against me.
/ Good for you./ I shot back.
" Why don't you just come out?" he asked. I didn't answer. I didn't want to. That, and he was getting steadily closer to the closet. " Malik." He murmured. He knows I can't stand it when he does that. He fills his voice with such longing, I just have to answer. What's more, it was very uncomfortable in that closet. So I came out. As I stepped into the room fully, I saw moonlight stretching over the floor from the window. Great. Now he was in his natural element. Night.
Night. When shadows creep over the ground as twisted, deformed copies of what they are cast from, made from the pale light of the moon shimmering down from her eternal perch. Like a yami. A twisted, evil copy of the hikari, both only doing what they know. The hikari, glowing and smiling innocently in the light only we know, so pure and bright people are careful around us, as though we might blind them. The yami, twisted shadow made of the purest darkness that can only be cast from the purest, brightest light, so wrapped up in their own personal madness that they forgot how to feel. Two opposites, forever bound to each other. No escape. And when the night comes closing down, trapping us hikaris in the darkness that scares us so, only the creatures born of what frightens us can hold us and soothe away the fear that they caused. We live in a paradox. That which scares us lays in bed at our side, kisses us, loves us. And by the gods, we don't want it to stop. Eternity is at our feet. My yami told me that, about eternity. Time stopped for him, for the Pharaoh and the tomb robber. There's a piece of eternity waiting the pure little lights that dare to face the darkness. So Yugi, Ryou, and I... We swallow that irrational fear that drives us right into the arms of the demons we ran from originally, and hold on tight. We can't let go. We're scared, and that's why we hang on. Even if we're only pulling our fear closer to us. We live in a paradox, a world of contradictions and riddles with no answers. I love my yami, I hate him, and I can't live without him. I've tried, damn that bastard, I tried. But it only made me run to him harder, faster. I'm just a scared little flickering candle, wrapped up in the blanket of darkness he wraps around me to protect me, and to keep me scared. Because in my fear I need him. And as long as I still need him, he still walks, lives, and breathes. He still kisses me until my lips are bruised.
I blinked, suddenly yanked from contradictory thoughts by the feel of his skin on mine. He'd only touched me, and I hadn't zoned out when he kissed me or anything. I was relieved. That would have been great, to piss him off by spacing when he was making out with me. He grabbed me by the waist suddenly, but I was used to his eccentrics. He's carried me through the house over his shoulder before, just because he saw me step out of the bathroom in only a towel and Yami Bakura was in the house. He locked me in my room until Bakura was gone, and then came up with my favorite candy as a peace offering. Then we had sex and he was forgiven.
He kissed me in the present, and I smiled through his kisses. He gets mad at me for little things, but he's needier than me. I don't absolutely have to have him next to me when I wake up in the morning. I love it when he is there, but I don't have a psychotic fit when he's not. Unlike some people. He began to claw at my shirt, angry and gentle at the same time, pushing against me until I was backed up against a wall. With no escape. He always pins me down, as though he's afraid I'll run as soon as I can. Even though he must know that as much as I may want to, I can never run from him.
He always falls asleep before me. We made love that night and he fell asleep on the bed next to me, an arm draped possessively over me. But I lay there, wide awake and knowing that if I tried to get up, he'd push me back down until my ribs began to crack. I wanted to go over to the window and look at the moon, but I barely dared to move. I wanted to work out aching muscles, but once again, no movement allowed.
Have you ever heard of ley lines? It's an interesting theory. They're, theoretically, invisible electromagnetic lines that connect holy places to other holy places, people to places, people to things, things to places, things to things, and finally, people to people. Connecting ley lines tie two or more people together for common purposes or destinies, for friendship, for love, and/or... for the paradoxical relationship between a yami and a hikari. The theory is that the stronger the bond, the stronger the ley line. The ley line keeps getting shorter and shorter, binding the two things it connects together, gradually bringing them closer and closer. As it becomes shorter, it gets stronger. Like a growing friendship, or a deepening love. It seems a little outlandish, but it's certainly interesting.
The ley line between me and my yami is short, and it's strong. It can't be severed, even though the theory states that ley lines are severed by betrayal, deep disappointment, death or something like that. But that's part of being a hikari. You take your yami for what he is, and you agree to be his forever. For all eternity. Eternity, that's at our feet. It's a little disappointing. There are no options, and we most certainly don't get a choice in the matter. Gods know I didn't ask for it. None of us did. Not Ryou, not me, not Yugi. It just sort of happened. One second, I thought I was a little deranged, but otherwise perfectly normal. The next, I'm waking up in places I don't remember going and hearing voices pushing me, persuading me with an irresistible murmur to do things I know are wrong... And I can't stop. It's a fucking addiction, an obsession and I can't stop... I'm not even sure I want to. That damn ley line just keeps pulling me closer and closer to him. I can't escape, I never will.
Ryou's my only confidant. He understands. So does Yugi, but our yami's abhor each other and we're not allowed to speak. Yami Bakura and my yami get along well enough, and Ryou and I are permitted limited contact. Yamis are jealously protective. If he's my obsession, then protecting me is his. That, and destroying the world. Anyway, Ryou understands. We talk about it, when our yamis aren't listening, jealous at the tiniest hint that there might be someone else in our lives. He told me recently that Yugi and his yami are finally sleeping together. Took that dumb Pharaoh long enough. I'm not exactly fond of Yami Yugi, even if I have nothing against Yugi Motou. Yugi's just a kid like me, caught in a situation he didn't ask for. He's just trying to cope. I know Yami Yugi doesn't care for me, either. I'm just his enemy's hikari. I mean nothing to him. When yamis talk, the term "hikari" can be very degrading. We're worth very little. Yamis have all the power. We're just a counterbalance to that power. Our only real worth lies in the emotional value our yamis place on us. Yugi might as well be made of pure gold. Ryou's worth more than Bakura ever hauled from any tomb. And me? I haven't figured it out yet. My relationship with my yami will never be as pure as Yugi's, never as devoted as Ryou's. I sleep with him, but I don't trust him. I'm more intimate with him than I will ever be with anyone else, but the words "I love you" have never passed between us. Never will. Love, the real kind, is not something he's really capable of. I definitely don't love him. He's everything that went wrong in my life. I hate that bastard. But I'm addicted to him. Without him, I'm a damn half and I hate that feeling. More than any hate I can bear for anyone, I hate that feeling. Anything, anyone, is better than that.
I lay there, hating him, loving him, withering and longing to get away, but at the same time, resigning to the knowledge that I never would. I'm resigned to him. He's better than being alone again. No one will ever have me the way he does. With him, I'm protected and provided for. I'm shielded from a heartless world that doesn't give a damn what happens to me. Isis is taken care of. I'm a hikari. I may be the toughest, meanest, most ruthless hikari I know, but I'm still a hikari. It's not in my nature to face that kind of harshness. I shy from it. So I resign. I resign to the closest to love I'll ever have, to the fact that Isis and I are taken care of. That Ryou is safe because he's close to me. I've taken care of them as best I can... by tying myself to a monster. Ryou once expressed to me that he was worried that he had made a terrible mistake by giving himself to Bakura. I just smiled and told him that he did what he had to do. That he did what he was born to do.
You get used to the feeling that you're only a toy. Something to be discarded when its usefulness has been expended. I was born to lay in his arms. I didn't get a choice. What do I want? Who cares? It doesn't matter what I want. I'll never have it. The one I want is bound more tightly than me. What he has is better than anything I can ever give him. I'd only be hurting him by taking him away, because he loves another... I have the best I can have. And for all his faults, all his insanity, I do love him in a strange, psychotic way.
So now you know. You know what I face when the night falls. When the twisted copies are at their high point. Now you know why I fling myself so willingly into the darkness, the insanity. Why I let him have me without a fight. You know, I laugh in the face of the world. I do that because if I don't, I'll cry. Yeah, I know I'm a bitter son of a bitch. You would be too.
Insanity is not nearly as bad as everyone says.
You get used to it, like so many other things. Think about it sometime. When you're driven to do something you would otherwise never do for the sake of a purpose, a destiny you don't entirely understand, you'll understand me very well. Then maybe I'll see you out on the dark streets where red blood stains the ground. Maybe I'll race you into the night, running from demons that we only end up running to in the end. I'm racing against time, against eternity, against everything. In a way, I'm hoping beyond hope for death. For blissful escape from the chains that bind me. But I'll never escape my sinful addiction. It's different for all of us. Yugi's afraid of the uncertainty, Ryou's scared of all the implications... And me? I'm just scared. Just a small, lonely light flickering in the darkness... Me and my insanity... that happens to lay beside me in bed.
A/N: Wow. That so did not come out the way I planned it to. Malik's awful contemplative. Very little dialogue, probably the shortest thing I've ever written. But hey, if it sucks, tell me so. And once again, I'm really sorry if Malik is out of character. But I put a lot of my own feelings about life in general in this, so hopefully it's not so bad. Now, I'm going to contemplate the probability of parallel universes, e=mc squared, ley lines, and read more Madeline L'Engle. You wanna see what fueled this particular installment? Read "An Acceptable Time" by Madeline L'Engle. Wow. What a book. I love contemplation. ^_^ I highly recommend it. Makes for meaningful writing. Anyway, review and yell at me. Although I have yet to get an actual bad review for this particular fic. And I bet I just jinxed it. So let's hear what you've got to say. Sayonara! ^_~
By: Rogue Fox
A/N: Okay, I'm back. You wanna know why? This fic got more reviews in one day than I've ever had any fic get! You guys seem to like it, so I guess I'll keep it going. It gives me a break from The Game of Life, anyway, and I seriously need that. In this one, we will be taking a look at the inner workings of the mind of everyone's favorite resident loony (not me! ^_^), Malik Ishtar. I seriously like this guy, and I have yet to seem him with more than two lines on the actual show. Dumb dub. v_v If he seems a little out of character, please don't hurt me. I'm going off of what I've read about him, and how he's been portrayed in fics that I've read. I'm also borrowing a little from my personality, which is, according to just about every YGO personality test I've ever taken, almost exactly like his, so there! Just don't be too mad at me. Same POV throughout the fic, no worries. You know the drill. Malik refers to Yami Malik (or Ishtar, whatever you call that scary dude) as Yami. That kinda of thing. And I think you guys have the key thing down, so I won't do it. I figure you're all intelligent people... Right? Anyway, on with the fic!
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Insanity is really not nearly as bad as everyone says.
No, I'm serious. I really am! Oh, I know what you're thinking. This, from a loon like me? Well, aren't you just the know it all? I'm willing to bet you don't know anything. Nothing about anything at all. You don't know me, you don't know him, and you don't know anything! Right, good job, Malik, let's just convince them you're stark raving mad. And make it worse by talking to yourself! And answering! Great.
I'm not really that crazy. I'm cupcakes compared to my yami. I'm perfectly freaking normal next to him. But then, the yami is supposed to outdo the hikari in a lot of areas. And the hikari is supposed to outdo the yami in others. It's just the laws of conservation at work. For every action, there is a reaction. For every quirk of mine, he has one to contradict it. That's why I hate him. That's why I love him. That's why I can't live without him. And that's why I'm so damn screwed up.
There have been times when I've wanted more than anything to throw that damned Rod out the window and never, ever see it again. But I couldn't. I'd open the window, I'd pull my arm back, I'd get ready to throw it. But I'd never throw it. Whether he was holding me back, or it was just some personal weakness, or something about the yami/hikari relationship, I don't know. All I know is that he's still here.
No hikari has the perfect yami, and no yami has the perfect hikari. We all drive each other absolutely crazier than we already were. We all hate each other, but we love each other, and for some stupid reason we can't seem to ever let go. But you know what? I've noticed something about my yami. He's crazy. He's a lunatic. He's homicidal. I've seen him running around in darkened streets with blood all over him, laughing like the damned loon he is. But despite that, he's absolutely terrified. Of what, you ask? I have no earthly, or otherwise, idea. And he's not alone. That Pharaoh is too, and so is Bakura. They're scared. But just the yamis. We hikaris keep skipping along in the so-called "bliss" the yamis say we live in. Some bliss. I've had nightmares nicer than my reality.
I don't know what scares my yami so bad, but I know what scares me.
" You damn little-" he slipped into Egyptian, cursing me in more ways than I had previously thought possible. I stored the new ones away in my memory to shove back in his face when he wasn't in such a murderous mood. Isis was out. Thank the gods. I have no doubt either she or he would have been dead by now, and seeing as how she was my only family and he was my soul mate, I really wanted them both alive. However, killing something or someone was all that was on my yami's mind.
So I hid. I'm very good at hiding. My yami isn't abusive, persay. Just... oh, what does Ryou call it... violent. Yeah, he's violent. Very violent. And scary. And angry. And... Oh damn, I thought. He had come storming into the room I was in. Double damn, I added mentally. He was pissed. More so than ordinary. Who knew if I was the cause of his anger or not? It certainly didn't matter to him. He wanted something to hurt, though, and I wasn't eager to volunteer. After he had calmed down, he'd find me anyway. And then... Well, that was certainly more pleasant to think about than if he found me now. He stopped in the middle of the room, lost in whatever twisted thing that passes as thought in that warped mind of his.
" I know you're in here." He said suddenly. I decided to use soul talk. He wouldn't be able to identify the source that way.
/ You sure?/ I asked. I can be just as warped as him.
" How else would you hear me?" he asked smugly. Ah, I thought, clever. But I'm not your hikari for nothing.
/ These walls aren't soundproof, and you're no creature of silence./ I retorted. He wheeled around, trying to find me. In the closet, loony, I thought. This was very amusing.
" You want me to explain what will happen if I find you?" he asked.
/ No, not really./ I thought back, wincing physically.
" I won't kill you." He promised.
/ That might have worked on someone else, but not me. You can't kill me. Not without killing yourself./ I thought, feeling very smug.
" Fine. I won't hurt you." He said, sounding very calm. I'm no idiot. I'm not entirely stable, but my reasoning is still very much intact. That's the scariest about him, though. He's crazy and destructive and evil in every way possible. But he's a smart loon. A very smart loon. You've heard the phrase "evil genius?" He gives it an entirely new meaning.
/ Now I just don't believe you./ I said bluntly.
" Why ever not?" he asked, trying to mimic my innocent tone I use when Isis is accusing me, usually correctly, of something. Unfortunately for him, he does not seem to have an innocent tone.
/ Even you can't change moods that fast./ I snickered.
" So little faith in your yami, dear little Malik." He murmured. That damn murmur of his has lured me out of many a hiding place. I didn't want to come out! Gods only knew what would happen if I did. He could go any direction. I could end up with a swollen lip and nothing more, or I could be quivering in a corner begging for mercy. Or, I could be laying on the nearby bed... Hm... But, he didn't appear to be in that kind of mood.
/ I'm not coming out./ I growled.
" We can have fun." He promised. Now, here's the irony; he never keeps his promises. Unless, he thinks he'll benefit from it. He's unpredictable, and I've long since given up trying. But, I'm closer to him than anyone will ever get, and I'm too close for my own good. When you're sleeping with a homicidal maniac, you're not exactly considering your personal safety.
Well, I'll be damned, I thought as he growled and stormed out of the room. Oh, wait, I already am, I corrected myself, smiling wryly. I'd just give him a while to cool down, then he'd come and find me and do or say something sweet that would make me forgive him.
Damned. That's funny word. I looked it up in a few dictionaries once, and almost all of them agreed that the word "damned" means "having been cursed." At least, that's the gist of it. Except for one. The one that didn't say that said "being of a cursed or Satanic nature." That was one of the older dictionaries. I find it funny, personally. I showed it to my yami and he laughed that maniacal laugh and then kissed me. Ferociously.
" You're not damned. I am. That's why you're mine." He told me. I smiled when he did, but then again, he is a lunatic. To prove my point, I remember that he was running around the house screaming something about oranges being out to kill chocolate bars twenty minutes after I showed him the definition of damned. I think. He's hard to understand when he gets like that. I wonder a lot how much of his fits are staged just for appearance, and how many are true psychotic episodes.
I've studied psychology in my spare time. It's very interesting. I advise you to read a little about it. I keep trying to figure out what makes my yami so weird, but I never can. He's sort of antisocial, a personality disorder characterized by lack of conscience and distorted view of right and wrong. People with antisocial personality disorder are destructive, often angry, but they don't feel emotions like concern, love, or happiness. Well, they feel happiness. When they've just brutally murdered someone. My yami's like that, but he does feel love. I know that. He's not a disorganized schizophrenic, because he is very in touch with reality. He just ignores it most of the time. He's not bipolar, because he doesn't really get depressed, or euphoric. Well, he gets euphoric. For very odd reasons. But not depressed. So I gave up trying to figure out what he was.
I stretched as best I could, crouched in that stupid closet. I couldn't hear any more crashes as he overturned things looking for me. It sounded like he had calmed down. To punctuate my thoughts, he came into the room. He radiated a feeling of calm, and I knew he wasn't angry at whatever had brought on his rage anymore.
" I know you're in here." He said. He may have been calm, but I wasn't going to give him the illusion that I'd come scurrying back when he spoke with a calm voice. He's a damn good actor, and I knew he would use that against me.
/ Good for you./ I shot back.
" Why don't you just come out?" he asked. I didn't answer. I didn't want to. That, and he was getting steadily closer to the closet. " Malik." He murmured. He knows I can't stand it when he does that. He fills his voice with such longing, I just have to answer. What's more, it was very uncomfortable in that closet. So I came out. As I stepped into the room fully, I saw moonlight stretching over the floor from the window. Great. Now he was in his natural element. Night.
Night. When shadows creep over the ground as twisted, deformed copies of what they are cast from, made from the pale light of the moon shimmering down from her eternal perch. Like a yami. A twisted, evil copy of the hikari, both only doing what they know. The hikari, glowing and smiling innocently in the light only we know, so pure and bright people are careful around us, as though we might blind them. The yami, twisted shadow made of the purest darkness that can only be cast from the purest, brightest light, so wrapped up in their own personal madness that they forgot how to feel. Two opposites, forever bound to each other. No escape. And when the night comes closing down, trapping us hikaris in the darkness that scares us so, only the creatures born of what frightens us can hold us and soothe away the fear that they caused. We live in a paradox. That which scares us lays in bed at our side, kisses us, loves us. And by the gods, we don't want it to stop. Eternity is at our feet. My yami told me that, about eternity. Time stopped for him, for the Pharaoh and the tomb robber. There's a piece of eternity waiting the pure little lights that dare to face the darkness. So Yugi, Ryou, and I... We swallow that irrational fear that drives us right into the arms of the demons we ran from originally, and hold on tight. We can't let go. We're scared, and that's why we hang on. Even if we're only pulling our fear closer to us. We live in a paradox, a world of contradictions and riddles with no answers. I love my yami, I hate him, and I can't live without him. I've tried, damn that bastard, I tried. But it only made me run to him harder, faster. I'm just a scared little flickering candle, wrapped up in the blanket of darkness he wraps around me to protect me, and to keep me scared. Because in my fear I need him. And as long as I still need him, he still walks, lives, and breathes. He still kisses me until my lips are bruised.
I blinked, suddenly yanked from contradictory thoughts by the feel of his skin on mine. He'd only touched me, and I hadn't zoned out when he kissed me or anything. I was relieved. That would have been great, to piss him off by spacing when he was making out with me. He grabbed me by the waist suddenly, but I was used to his eccentrics. He's carried me through the house over his shoulder before, just because he saw me step out of the bathroom in only a towel and Yami Bakura was in the house. He locked me in my room until Bakura was gone, and then came up with my favorite candy as a peace offering. Then we had sex and he was forgiven.
He kissed me in the present, and I smiled through his kisses. He gets mad at me for little things, but he's needier than me. I don't absolutely have to have him next to me when I wake up in the morning. I love it when he is there, but I don't have a psychotic fit when he's not. Unlike some people. He began to claw at my shirt, angry and gentle at the same time, pushing against me until I was backed up against a wall. With no escape. He always pins me down, as though he's afraid I'll run as soon as I can. Even though he must know that as much as I may want to, I can never run from him.
He always falls asleep before me. We made love that night and he fell asleep on the bed next to me, an arm draped possessively over me. But I lay there, wide awake and knowing that if I tried to get up, he'd push me back down until my ribs began to crack. I wanted to go over to the window and look at the moon, but I barely dared to move. I wanted to work out aching muscles, but once again, no movement allowed.
Have you ever heard of ley lines? It's an interesting theory. They're, theoretically, invisible electromagnetic lines that connect holy places to other holy places, people to places, people to things, things to places, things to things, and finally, people to people. Connecting ley lines tie two or more people together for common purposes or destinies, for friendship, for love, and/or... for the paradoxical relationship between a yami and a hikari. The theory is that the stronger the bond, the stronger the ley line. The ley line keeps getting shorter and shorter, binding the two things it connects together, gradually bringing them closer and closer. As it becomes shorter, it gets stronger. Like a growing friendship, or a deepening love. It seems a little outlandish, but it's certainly interesting.
The ley line between me and my yami is short, and it's strong. It can't be severed, even though the theory states that ley lines are severed by betrayal, deep disappointment, death or something like that. But that's part of being a hikari. You take your yami for what he is, and you agree to be his forever. For all eternity. Eternity, that's at our feet. It's a little disappointing. There are no options, and we most certainly don't get a choice in the matter. Gods know I didn't ask for it. None of us did. Not Ryou, not me, not Yugi. It just sort of happened. One second, I thought I was a little deranged, but otherwise perfectly normal. The next, I'm waking up in places I don't remember going and hearing voices pushing me, persuading me with an irresistible murmur to do things I know are wrong... And I can't stop. It's a fucking addiction, an obsession and I can't stop... I'm not even sure I want to. That damn ley line just keeps pulling me closer and closer to him. I can't escape, I never will.
Ryou's my only confidant. He understands. So does Yugi, but our yami's abhor each other and we're not allowed to speak. Yami Bakura and my yami get along well enough, and Ryou and I are permitted limited contact. Yamis are jealously protective. If he's my obsession, then protecting me is his. That, and destroying the world. Anyway, Ryou understands. We talk about it, when our yamis aren't listening, jealous at the tiniest hint that there might be someone else in our lives. He told me recently that Yugi and his yami are finally sleeping together. Took that dumb Pharaoh long enough. I'm not exactly fond of Yami Yugi, even if I have nothing against Yugi Motou. Yugi's just a kid like me, caught in a situation he didn't ask for. He's just trying to cope. I know Yami Yugi doesn't care for me, either. I'm just his enemy's hikari. I mean nothing to him. When yamis talk, the term "hikari" can be very degrading. We're worth very little. Yamis have all the power. We're just a counterbalance to that power. Our only real worth lies in the emotional value our yamis place on us. Yugi might as well be made of pure gold. Ryou's worth more than Bakura ever hauled from any tomb. And me? I haven't figured it out yet. My relationship with my yami will never be as pure as Yugi's, never as devoted as Ryou's. I sleep with him, but I don't trust him. I'm more intimate with him than I will ever be with anyone else, but the words "I love you" have never passed between us. Never will. Love, the real kind, is not something he's really capable of. I definitely don't love him. He's everything that went wrong in my life. I hate that bastard. But I'm addicted to him. Without him, I'm a damn half and I hate that feeling. More than any hate I can bear for anyone, I hate that feeling. Anything, anyone, is better than that.
I lay there, hating him, loving him, withering and longing to get away, but at the same time, resigning to the knowledge that I never would. I'm resigned to him. He's better than being alone again. No one will ever have me the way he does. With him, I'm protected and provided for. I'm shielded from a heartless world that doesn't give a damn what happens to me. Isis is taken care of. I'm a hikari. I may be the toughest, meanest, most ruthless hikari I know, but I'm still a hikari. It's not in my nature to face that kind of harshness. I shy from it. So I resign. I resign to the closest to love I'll ever have, to the fact that Isis and I are taken care of. That Ryou is safe because he's close to me. I've taken care of them as best I can... by tying myself to a monster. Ryou once expressed to me that he was worried that he had made a terrible mistake by giving himself to Bakura. I just smiled and told him that he did what he had to do. That he did what he was born to do.
You get used to the feeling that you're only a toy. Something to be discarded when its usefulness has been expended. I was born to lay in his arms. I didn't get a choice. What do I want? Who cares? It doesn't matter what I want. I'll never have it. The one I want is bound more tightly than me. What he has is better than anything I can ever give him. I'd only be hurting him by taking him away, because he loves another... I have the best I can have. And for all his faults, all his insanity, I do love him in a strange, psychotic way.
So now you know. You know what I face when the night falls. When the twisted copies are at their high point. Now you know why I fling myself so willingly into the darkness, the insanity. Why I let him have me without a fight. You know, I laugh in the face of the world. I do that because if I don't, I'll cry. Yeah, I know I'm a bitter son of a bitch. You would be too.
Insanity is not nearly as bad as everyone says.
You get used to it, like so many other things. Think about it sometime. When you're driven to do something you would otherwise never do for the sake of a purpose, a destiny you don't entirely understand, you'll understand me very well. Then maybe I'll see you out on the dark streets where red blood stains the ground. Maybe I'll race you into the night, running from demons that we only end up running to in the end. I'm racing against time, against eternity, against everything. In a way, I'm hoping beyond hope for death. For blissful escape from the chains that bind me. But I'll never escape my sinful addiction. It's different for all of us. Yugi's afraid of the uncertainty, Ryou's scared of all the implications... And me? I'm just scared. Just a small, lonely light flickering in the darkness... Me and my insanity... that happens to lay beside me in bed.
A/N: Wow. That so did not come out the way I planned it to. Malik's awful contemplative. Very little dialogue, probably the shortest thing I've ever written. But hey, if it sucks, tell me so. And once again, I'm really sorry if Malik is out of character. But I put a lot of my own feelings about life in general in this, so hopefully it's not so bad. Now, I'm going to contemplate the probability of parallel universes, e=mc squared, ley lines, and read more Madeline L'Engle. You wanna see what fueled this particular installment? Read "An Acceptable Time" by Madeline L'Engle. Wow. What a book. I love contemplation. ^_^ I highly recommend it. Makes for meaningful writing. Anyway, review and yell at me. Although I have yet to get an actual bad review for this particular fic. And I bet I just jinxed it. So let's hear what you've got to say. Sayonara! ^_~