Dark Addiction
By: Rogue Fox
A/N: Well. To answer the rather, um, overwhelming requests, here's another one in the POV of a yami. You'll see who. I hope you guys like it. Now, I'm going to draw and write on the next one of these, and try to work on The Game of Life. ::sigh:: Arigato for reading, and please enjoy! Don't forget to help my pitiful self-esteem and review!
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Everyone has their bad days, right?
I mean, everyone has days when they'd just as soon eat dirt than look at themselves. Right? Or maybe I'm just weird. Or, I'm what that tomb robber's always telling me I am- an egotistical arrogant jerk. I sure felt like it.
It was stupid, how it got started. It was just a girl. I mean, gods, my soul mate's with me almost always, why would I ever really look at anyone else? I was just playing around……… Okay, I was being a pain in the ass. It was my fault. I realized that. But that didn't make it any better.
It was cold outside. Very cold. And leather is hardly very insulating. I hate the cold. Always did, always will. Hey, I was born and raised in Egypt. It's warm and dry there, and that's how I like it. Well, at this point I'd like to note that it was my own fault for running out of the house with only a thin jacket on. But I was upset, and I don't like it when I get upset. So I stormed down the street, trying to leave the angry thoughts in my head behind on the sidewalk. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The thoughts I wanted to get rid of only made me feel guilty for thinking them, so they kind of stuck to my mind. Which was bad news for me.
" Damn." I muttered, looking around myself. It was too cold to just keep walking around, so I jogged across the street and slid into a decent looking bar without being noticed.
Yugi would have had my head on a platter if he knew I was in a bar. He knows I drink. How could he not? I mean, I was a Pharaoh once, and wine was the drink of choice. And he doesn't care if I go out and get a drink or two every now and then. He does not like it when I come home sloshed. Which isn't very often. I try not to stray from his side for too long, and it takes a while to get me drunk. Ryou's last birthday party does not count. That idiot tomb robber and Malik poured a whole bottle of Russian vodka in there, and none of us lasted long. Who knew Malik can't take alcohol? Who knew Isis and Kaiba could knock 'em back like that? Anyway………
Why do people in this age like their music so loud? I have no clue, but I don't like it. Especially in the mood I was in right then. I growled, but kept my thoughts to myself. Then I was left with the task of threading my way through the crowd to get to the actual bar. A drunken woman, who must have been in her thirties, suddenly latched onto me.
" Hey, cutie, wanna dance?" she asked, leaning on me heavily. She reeked of alcohol.
" No, not really." I said, removing her arm from my shoulders and fighting the urge to remove her soul from her body, and then replace it in torn tatters.
" Aw, come on!" she pleaded, sliding close to me and shoving her chest in my face. Now I was just repelled.
" No thanks." I growled, turning her and sending her sprawling into the arms of a surprised and equally drunk guy. Then I turned and made my way to the bar without further incident. Thank the gods.
I floundered a little when I actually got to the bar, not sure what to order. I doubted they served worthwhile wine here, so I just went with the safest bet I knew.
" What can I get you?" the bartender asked.
" Just give me a beer." I said with a casual shrug. Normally, I hate breaking rules. But the mood I was in sort of killed any discipline left in me. Next to me, someone suddenly tensed at the sound of my voice. I looked, not really caring, more out of instinct than anything else. I was about to look away when I noticed the white hair.
" Bakura?" I asked automatically. Then I kicked myself mentally. Yeah, just strike up a conversation with one of the people who hates you more than anything else. That's a real great idea.
" Yeah?" came the snarl I should have anticipated.
" What the hell are you doing here?" I asked viciously, more out of reaction to the tomb robber's hostility than anything. Then it occurred to me that if he was sitting in a bar like that, he probably was in a bad mood as it was. And I really didn't want to deal with him right then.
" Why do you give a damn?" he asked me angrily. I faltered. Well, why do I give a damn, I wondered.
" I don't know. And frankly, I don't give a damn. You could fall off the face of the earth and the only way I would ever care would be if Ryou's missing you affected Yugi." I spat at him. Dumb, but it was the best I could come up with right then. " And I'd still be glad you were gone, anyway."
" That's a pretty long winded insult." He told me smartly.
" I really don't want to deal with your smart-ass remarks." I declared. And I really didn't. The tomb robber looked gleeful, and I realized belatedly why. Oh, why does he love tormenting me?
" Well, isn't that just too bad?" he asked, his voice just dripping in mock concern. I hate my life, I muttered mentally.
" Don't make me crush your soul. I will. And I'll enjoy it." I told him. Oh, what I wouldn't give to actually grind his soul into little pieces………
" You wouldn't dare. It'd be all over the news. I can just see the headlines; Teenage Boy Without Records Kills Unidentified Teen Without Laying A Hand On Him." he snickered at me. " They'd lock you up, not to mention what your precious hikari would do." Why did he have to ruin the lovely daydream I was having about a world where he no longer existed?
" Asshole." I snarled at him, for lack of anything else to say.
" Yeah, that's real intelligent." He told me laughingly. " Well, I've got better things to do than waste my breath talking to you." He told me, standing up and walking off. I let him go. I didn't care. I was actually quite glad to see him go. I'd had a bad enough night already, and I didn't need him to make it worse. So I downed the rest of my beer, which was awful, without taking a breath. I was about to order another, when I realized that I only had enough money to pay for the one I'd just downed.
" Damn." I muttered, slamming a random amount of money onto the bar and standing up. I didn't care how much I'd left. Besides, I didn't have a clue how to tell the folded paper apart. If you ask me, using little pieces of paper for currency is just stupid. Gold works just fine. Paper is just dumb.
I felt stupid. I felt stupid, and wrong, and a whole lot of other things. My very existence was an insult to everything I'd always thought I'd stood for. Everyone feels sorry for the hikaris, and in a way, they're right. People like to coddle the lights. They shy from the darkness. It's frustrating. Yes, I understand people like us must be scary as hell, but damn it, we're people too. I understand that by all that's natural, we shouldn't exist. But we do. We most certainly didn't ask for it. Darkness, pure and unharnessed darkness, born into a human body should not exist……… And yet it does.
Gods, I can't expect you to understand. How could you? Have you ever wandered the twisted, inverted pathways of your own mind endlessly, watching the days fade into months, and the months fade into years, until centuries, millennia's have gone by? Have you ever cried and screamed and ripped at your own head trying to chase the shadows out of your mind? Have you ever gripped at what memories you have left and then lose those too? Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror and wondered, "Who am I? What am I?" And when those questions have been answered, have you ever wanted to kill yourself because you know that what you are, your very soul, is wrong, poisoned by the very thing that made you? After you've done all that, and only then, will you know the pain that a yami knows. Or, maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. The tomb robber certainly doesn't seem to mind. And Yami Malik was poisoned so badly……… It's one of the few things Bakura and I agree on. Yami Malik is a maniac. I doubt anything that goes on in his head can be called thought, so who knows what he thinks about what he is?
My only solace is Yugi. My wonderful little light. Like a star, burning brightly, surrounded by the ominous darkness that is me. He's the one on whose shoulder I rest my head when my self-loathing becomes too much to bear. Through his hair I run my fingers when I desire something softer than the darkness I know so well. I stare at him when he sleeps next to me and wonder how something so blindingly beautiful and pure could ever, ever love me? Me, the darkness, the poisoned, everything that's wrong with the world. What ever possessed me to leave him?
It was so stupid. I was just being a jackass. A big jackass. Okay, I was being the all time jackass. And as I walked down the dark street in the general direction of home, the whole incident played over in my head.
We were walking together through the mall, earlier that afternoon. I remembered Yugi had coaxed me from the safety of my soul room into the outside world, promising me it would be worthwhile. I think he just likes having me with him. I don't know why, but he does. Anyway, Yugi was dragging me all through the mall, and I was honestly trying to get into the spirit of it. But, five millennia trapped in a shattered puzzle tends to make a person a little antisocial. All I cared about anyway was Yugi. The rest of the world could just go bite themselves, as far as I was concerned. But I put up with the noise and hustle, for him. I'd do anything for him. I don't think he realizes that. Anyway, we were just joking around. And I spotted a pretty girl from Yugi's school. I pointed her out to Yugi and mentioned that she was pretty. Yeah, stupid. He got this hurt look on his face and stormed off, and I couldn't get a word out of him. I made sure no one was looking and returned to my soul room, where I proceeded to methodically beat my head against a wall. Gods, it was so stupid. I felt so damn dumb. But Yugi was upset at me, and I didn't know what to do. So I left him and went out on my own. Now you know how I wound up in a bar.
I wasn't too eager to go back to getting the silent treatment, but I was missing Yugi pretty badly. I wondered if he missed me. Half the time I wonder if he understands exactly how much he means to me. Gods, after five millennia wandering in darkness, how could anyone not adore the light? I was blessed, blessed with this pretty soft little thing, closer to godliness than any other mortal can be. Blessed with this little work of perfection that makes a tiny purring noise in the back of his throat when I nuzzle the crook of his neck just right. I'd only been able to show him how I felt not a month ago. Barely that. I'd been unable to speak, I'd felt so vulnerable, so frightened……… How could I not be afraid that he'd reject me? He, perfection and purity and light, and me, darkness and evil and poison. And when he didn't……… My world was suddenly so wonderfully perfect. Nothing could go wrong. Absolutely nothing. I had my little Yugi, I had all I needed. And now……… What if he hated me? I didn't think I could go on living with that knowledge.
I must seem sickeningly dependant on Yugi to you, and I'll tell you the truth. I was. I am. It's almost sad. But when your very existence rides on your bedmate, you tend not to want to let him out of your sight. My sweet little Yugi……… Suddenly I wanted to be back with him so badly I could feel it in my chest, and it hurt. So I started running. The cold air whipped my face, making my eyes water with the sting, but I didn't stop. Gods, I'd run forever and a day, to hell and back again, if it would please him. My gift, my blessing, my hikari……… My Yugi.
I found myself standing on the doorstep, suddenly experiencing a wave of doubt. Suppose he was still angry at me? Suppose he wouldn't even look at me? I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. A bad habit of mine. When in doubt, I don't do anything. I just freeze up. Bakura seems to resort to violence when he's not sure, and Yami Malik seems to live by the phrase Malik's so fond of quoting; "When in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout." I just freeze. So I stood there for the longest time, terrible scenarios in which Yugi would tell me he never wanted to see me again playing through my head as though someone left one of those damned vcr's on a loop. So you can imagine my shock when the door opened and Yugi greeted me with a sad look.
" Are you going to come in, or what?" he asked softly. I looked down at him and I could see he'd been crying. It took all the self-restraint I had not to gather him into my arms right there and kiss away his tears and make love to him until he smiled again. I can't stand seeing him like that. I cannot stand it.
" Yeah, I guess." I said, stepping in and following him up to our room. Our room. Our bed. I gulped. I find Yugi amazingly attractive, and sometimes it's difficult……… I couldn't imagine him being very pleased if I suddenly wanted to have sex out of the blue.
" Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" he asked me suddenly. I flashed a look at the bed and tried not to think the thoughts that kept racing through my mind anyway.
" It didn't exactly seem like you were listening to anything I said, so I just……… went out." I said helplessly. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to just kiss him and whisper into his hair how sorry I was. But Yugi seemed to sense that urge from me and stepped out of my reach. I scowled at him.
" I'm not making this easy." Yugi told me, returning my scowl.
" Well, what do you want me to say?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, my own anger and indignation rising again.
" An apology might be a good way to start." He said matter-of-factly. Oh, so he wants an apology? Well, maybe I'd like an apology too.
" It takes two to tango." I shot back. I can be every bit as sarcastic as anyone else.
" I wasn't the one being a jerk." Yugi pointed out. I huffed a little, even though he was right.
" I didn't see you helping the situation." I reminded him, which was as true as what he'd said.
" Is it that hard just to apologize?!" Yugi asked me in exasperation.
" I was just messing around! I don't see a need to apologize!" I cried back. Oh, I did see a need to apologize. Nothing was worth Yugi staying mad at me. Yugi glared at me.
" Fine. Have it your way. But don't expect me to let you sleep in my bed tonight." He said, his voice soft and uncharacteristically angry. I was instantly sorry. Unfortunately, I was too stubborn to admit it.
" Fine. I'll sleep on the couch." I announced, turning and tromping loudly down the stairs into the living room, where I plopped down onto the couch and glared in the direction of Yugi's bedroom. He slammed the door behind me to make his point. I stuck my tongue out like a peevish child and propped my feet up on the couch, my arms crossed over my chest again. Grandpa came into the room, saw me glaring at a wall, turned, and left me alone. I was glad. Human interaction was one thing I really could not handle at the moment. I shot a sultry look at the clock, to discover it was nearly one in the morning. What the hell was Yugi doing still awake?! I may have been mad at him, but I was still his yami. I stood up and stomped back up the stairs, determined to make my anger known by making as much noise as possible. I stopped at his door and started pounding on it.
" What do you want now?!" Yugi screamed at me through the door. Yugi doesn't scream, and most certainly not at me. But despite my shock, I only got angrier.
" Get in bed! It's nearly one!" I yelled back.
" Make me!" Yugi shot back. Now this was getting out of hand.
" I will!" I promised angrily. " You don't want me to come in there!"
" I'll call Yami Bakura and claim hikari abuse!" Yugi threatened back. Then we both stopped. The idea was so preposterous……… Granted, the tomb robber would probably beat me into the ground for hurting my hikari, but the he wasn't exactly a saint. We both started laughing. I hoped that the fight was over. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
" Come on, let me in, aibou." I called.
" No. I'm still mad at you." Yugi told me blankly.
" This is so stupid!" I cried, slamming my head into the door.
" Tell that to your couch." Yugi advised. I glared at the door, imagining him sitting on the bed, those golden bangs framing that sweet childlike face……… I tried the knob again, to no avail. Then I sighed and went back down stairs.
Do you have any idea how boring old sitcoms are? Very, very boring. Especially when all you can think about is a certain short little hikari whom you want more than anything you've ever wanted before in your entire five thousand year long existence. And that girl on the TV thinks she's got problems. I lay there on that cold couch for a ridiculously long time, watching that blasted box and munching on whatever I could find in the kitchen that didn't require preparation. And feeling remarkably stupid.
I guess I get contemplative when I'm depressed, because I was really thinking. It was better than letting myself totally zone out into that box. I don't like the TV. I'm convinced that it hypnotizes people and influences their actions. Hey, I've got statistics to back that up! Don't look at me like that, I won't hesitate to use you as a vent for all those "pent-up emotions" Yugi's always pestering me to "let out." Anyway……… The whole thing felt so stupid. I think I might have mentioned that. It was just a girl. I could be up there right now, laying beside my precious aibou. But no, I had to make a smart-ass remark………
I guess I fell asleep. Because the next thing I remember was a small hand shaking my shoulder and a gentle whisper in my ear.
" Yami. Yami, wake up." Yugi's voice tickled in my ear. My eyes opened lazily and lolled over in my head to rest on that sweet face of his.
" Huh?" I grunted. Usually, I wake up easily. But I figured my consumption of alcohol dulled me a little.
" Are you awake?" Yugi asked me, those red-violet orbs flashing in the moonlight.
" Um, yes, I am now." I muttered, rubbing my eyes. Then I caught it. The faint tickle of fear coming from him across our link. My eyes opened completely and I looked at him. " What's wrong?" I asked. Yugi fidgeted a little, a blush creeping across his pale features.
" I, um, I had a nightmare." He whispered, lowering his gaze to the floor. " Could you come to bed?" he asked. I nodded, numbed by the possibility that he would want me back. I followed him up the stairs, watching him as he walked ahead of me. Everything about him so familiar……… The narrow shoulders, the short yet slim legs, the childlike figure, all wrapped up in adorable star decorated pajamas. He ran through our room and leapt into the bed, looking over his shoulder expectantly as I crossed more slowly. A light smile teased his features as I crawled under the covers next to him and pulled him against my chest. There are no words for the emotions that flowed through me. Completeness, joy, love……… They all fall short. I felt like I could explode, and I wanted to run around in circles and scream it to the world, but at the same time, I never wanted to move again. I wanted to die, and I wanted to live like I never had before. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh, and I just wanted to lay still. And more than anything, I never, ever wanted to let go of my precious, angelic, hopelessly pure hikari.
" I'm sorry, aibou." I whispered.
" Me too." Yugi returned quickly. Then he snuggled closer. And once again, I was possessed with all the paradoxical urges I should have been used to. I felt our link suddenly flow wide open and I wanted him more than ever, if that was even possible. And he answered my questioning nudges readily. My lips found his unguided and soon I was re-exploring his mouth earnestly with my tongue. My hands drifted up his chest and worked expertly at the buttons on his pajamas. I wanted to kiss every part of him, and he was more than willing to oblige.
In the night, in the darkness I know far too well, with my precious little one pressed against my bare chest, I stared at the pale moonlight, and the twisted shadows, in contemplation. I heaved a small sigh, and glanced down at Yugi, fearful I had woken him. But no. The night's activities and emotional stress had taken their toll on his slight frame. He was exhausted, and I didn't expect him awake for a long while. Fortunately, the next day was Sunday. I worried I had stained him, tainted that beautiful purity that was his alone. Tainted him with my own sinful existence. Gods, I was the very embodiment of every thing I sacrificed my life to destroy in the old times. I had become what I hated and feared most. I had become the living night, the walking shadow. My own power had seeped into my skull and corrupted my very essence, poisoning me beyond all hope. I was poisoned, and there was no cure. Even Yugi, the light to my darkness, the goodness to my evil, can't cure me of the poison. It's always there. It always will be. The madness that I know……… The madness we all know. The madness Yami Malik lives with. The madness Bakura and I fall to too often for comfort. The madness of the poison, the madness of the darkness that creeps up behind you when you least expect it, sneaks ever so softly into your brain and before you know it, it's become a part of you so deeply embedded that you know beyond all doubt that it will always be there. I wanted to weep, to scream, and to laugh like the madman I'm quite capable of becoming.
Everyone has their bad days, right?
When you know you shouldn't exist, when you hate yourself so fully you can taste it……… You'll know me. Maybe it's just a bad day. Maybe I'm just being stupid, and, as you can see, I'm pretty good at that. But I can't help but feel……… When the others look at me, they see a confident, slightly egotistical, former Pharaoh. Someone who's always ready for some competition. Someone perfectly confident in his abilities. Someone with utterly iron control over himself. And that's what I want them to see. I want them to see that, so they don't question me. I don't want them to see the part of me that's unsure and frightened of my own being. I don't want them to see the insecurity and self-loathing and desperation. Gods, don't take Yugi from me. I know you probably think it'd be best for him. And who knows? You might be right. But please, if there are any merciful gods left, don't let them take Yugi. He's all that's keeping me sane, all that's keeping me from surrendering completely to the night. I don't want to go back to the lonely, maddening wandering……… They say solitude can drive one to madness. If only I could give it such a paltry name. If only it was petty loneliness……… Something far more sinister lurks there, ready to steal the last precious bits of me left from time long gone. The last precious bits of someone I used to like……… of someone I once was. Maybe that's why I cling to Yugi. Maybe I see a little bit of myself, younger, more innocent, in him. I won't let you take him from me. I won't. You can try. I dare you to. I promise, you will live to regret it. Just try.
By: Rogue Fox
A/N: Well. To answer the rather, um, overwhelming requests, here's another one in the POV of a yami. You'll see who. I hope you guys like it. Now, I'm going to draw and write on the next one of these, and try to work on The Game of Life. ::sigh:: Arigato for reading, and please enjoy! Don't forget to help my pitiful self-esteem and review!
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Everyone has their bad days, right?
I mean, everyone has days when they'd just as soon eat dirt than look at themselves. Right? Or maybe I'm just weird. Or, I'm what that tomb robber's always telling me I am- an egotistical arrogant jerk. I sure felt like it.
It was stupid, how it got started. It was just a girl. I mean, gods, my soul mate's with me almost always, why would I ever really look at anyone else? I was just playing around……… Okay, I was being a pain in the ass. It was my fault. I realized that. But that didn't make it any better.
It was cold outside. Very cold. And leather is hardly very insulating. I hate the cold. Always did, always will. Hey, I was born and raised in Egypt. It's warm and dry there, and that's how I like it. Well, at this point I'd like to note that it was my own fault for running out of the house with only a thin jacket on. But I was upset, and I don't like it when I get upset. So I stormed down the street, trying to leave the angry thoughts in my head behind on the sidewalk. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The thoughts I wanted to get rid of only made me feel guilty for thinking them, so they kind of stuck to my mind. Which was bad news for me.
" Damn." I muttered, looking around myself. It was too cold to just keep walking around, so I jogged across the street and slid into a decent looking bar without being noticed.
Yugi would have had my head on a platter if he knew I was in a bar. He knows I drink. How could he not? I mean, I was a Pharaoh once, and wine was the drink of choice. And he doesn't care if I go out and get a drink or two every now and then. He does not like it when I come home sloshed. Which isn't very often. I try not to stray from his side for too long, and it takes a while to get me drunk. Ryou's last birthday party does not count. That idiot tomb robber and Malik poured a whole bottle of Russian vodka in there, and none of us lasted long. Who knew Malik can't take alcohol? Who knew Isis and Kaiba could knock 'em back like that? Anyway………
Why do people in this age like their music so loud? I have no clue, but I don't like it. Especially in the mood I was in right then. I growled, but kept my thoughts to myself. Then I was left with the task of threading my way through the crowd to get to the actual bar. A drunken woman, who must have been in her thirties, suddenly latched onto me.
" Hey, cutie, wanna dance?" she asked, leaning on me heavily. She reeked of alcohol.
" No, not really." I said, removing her arm from my shoulders and fighting the urge to remove her soul from her body, and then replace it in torn tatters.
" Aw, come on!" she pleaded, sliding close to me and shoving her chest in my face. Now I was just repelled.
" No thanks." I growled, turning her and sending her sprawling into the arms of a surprised and equally drunk guy. Then I turned and made my way to the bar without further incident. Thank the gods.
I floundered a little when I actually got to the bar, not sure what to order. I doubted they served worthwhile wine here, so I just went with the safest bet I knew.
" What can I get you?" the bartender asked.
" Just give me a beer." I said with a casual shrug. Normally, I hate breaking rules. But the mood I was in sort of killed any discipline left in me. Next to me, someone suddenly tensed at the sound of my voice. I looked, not really caring, more out of instinct than anything else. I was about to look away when I noticed the white hair.
" Bakura?" I asked automatically. Then I kicked myself mentally. Yeah, just strike up a conversation with one of the people who hates you more than anything else. That's a real great idea.
" Yeah?" came the snarl I should have anticipated.
" What the hell are you doing here?" I asked viciously, more out of reaction to the tomb robber's hostility than anything. Then it occurred to me that if he was sitting in a bar like that, he probably was in a bad mood as it was. And I really didn't want to deal with him right then.
" Why do you give a damn?" he asked me angrily. I faltered. Well, why do I give a damn, I wondered.
" I don't know. And frankly, I don't give a damn. You could fall off the face of the earth and the only way I would ever care would be if Ryou's missing you affected Yugi." I spat at him. Dumb, but it was the best I could come up with right then. " And I'd still be glad you were gone, anyway."
" That's a pretty long winded insult." He told me smartly.
" I really don't want to deal with your smart-ass remarks." I declared. And I really didn't. The tomb robber looked gleeful, and I realized belatedly why. Oh, why does he love tormenting me?
" Well, isn't that just too bad?" he asked, his voice just dripping in mock concern. I hate my life, I muttered mentally.
" Don't make me crush your soul. I will. And I'll enjoy it." I told him. Oh, what I wouldn't give to actually grind his soul into little pieces………
" You wouldn't dare. It'd be all over the news. I can just see the headlines; Teenage Boy Without Records Kills Unidentified Teen Without Laying A Hand On Him." he snickered at me. " They'd lock you up, not to mention what your precious hikari would do." Why did he have to ruin the lovely daydream I was having about a world where he no longer existed?
" Asshole." I snarled at him, for lack of anything else to say.
" Yeah, that's real intelligent." He told me laughingly. " Well, I've got better things to do than waste my breath talking to you." He told me, standing up and walking off. I let him go. I didn't care. I was actually quite glad to see him go. I'd had a bad enough night already, and I didn't need him to make it worse. So I downed the rest of my beer, which was awful, without taking a breath. I was about to order another, when I realized that I only had enough money to pay for the one I'd just downed.
" Damn." I muttered, slamming a random amount of money onto the bar and standing up. I didn't care how much I'd left. Besides, I didn't have a clue how to tell the folded paper apart. If you ask me, using little pieces of paper for currency is just stupid. Gold works just fine. Paper is just dumb.
I felt stupid. I felt stupid, and wrong, and a whole lot of other things. My very existence was an insult to everything I'd always thought I'd stood for. Everyone feels sorry for the hikaris, and in a way, they're right. People like to coddle the lights. They shy from the darkness. It's frustrating. Yes, I understand people like us must be scary as hell, but damn it, we're people too. I understand that by all that's natural, we shouldn't exist. But we do. We most certainly didn't ask for it. Darkness, pure and unharnessed darkness, born into a human body should not exist……… And yet it does.
Gods, I can't expect you to understand. How could you? Have you ever wandered the twisted, inverted pathways of your own mind endlessly, watching the days fade into months, and the months fade into years, until centuries, millennia's have gone by? Have you ever cried and screamed and ripped at your own head trying to chase the shadows out of your mind? Have you ever gripped at what memories you have left and then lose those too? Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror and wondered, "Who am I? What am I?" And when those questions have been answered, have you ever wanted to kill yourself because you know that what you are, your very soul, is wrong, poisoned by the very thing that made you? After you've done all that, and only then, will you know the pain that a yami knows. Or, maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. The tomb robber certainly doesn't seem to mind. And Yami Malik was poisoned so badly……… It's one of the few things Bakura and I agree on. Yami Malik is a maniac. I doubt anything that goes on in his head can be called thought, so who knows what he thinks about what he is?
My only solace is Yugi. My wonderful little light. Like a star, burning brightly, surrounded by the ominous darkness that is me. He's the one on whose shoulder I rest my head when my self-loathing becomes too much to bear. Through his hair I run my fingers when I desire something softer than the darkness I know so well. I stare at him when he sleeps next to me and wonder how something so blindingly beautiful and pure could ever, ever love me? Me, the darkness, the poisoned, everything that's wrong with the world. What ever possessed me to leave him?
It was so stupid. I was just being a jackass. A big jackass. Okay, I was being the all time jackass. And as I walked down the dark street in the general direction of home, the whole incident played over in my head.
We were walking together through the mall, earlier that afternoon. I remembered Yugi had coaxed me from the safety of my soul room into the outside world, promising me it would be worthwhile. I think he just likes having me with him. I don't know why, but he does. Anyway, Yugi was dragging me all through the mall, and I was honestly trying to get into the spirit of it. But, five millennia trapped in a shattered puzzle tends to make a person a little antisocial. All I cared about anyway was Yugi. The rest of the world could just go bite themselves, as far as I was concerned. But I put up with the noise and hustle, for him. I'd do anything for him. I don't think he realizes that. Anyway, we were just joking around. And I spotted a pretty girl from Yugi's school. I pointed her out to Yugi and mentioned that she was pretty. Yeah, stupid. He got this hurt look on his face and stormed off, and I couldn't get a word out of him. I made sure no one was looking and returned to my soul room, where I proceeded to methodically beat my head against a wall. Gods, it was so stupid. I felt so damn dumb. But Yugi was upset at me, and I didn't know what to do. So I left him and went out on my own. Now you know how I wound up in a bar.
I wasn't too eager to go back to getting the silent treatment, but I was missing Yugi pretty badly. I wondered if he missed me. Half the time I wonder if he understands exactly how much he means to me. Gods, after five millennia wandering in darkness, how could anyone not adore the light? I was blessed, blessed with this pretty soft little thing, closer to godliness than any other mortal can be. Blessed with this little work of perfection that makes a tiny purring noise in the back of his throat when I nuzzle the crook of his neck just right. I'd only been able to show him how I felt not a month ago. Barely that. I'd been unable to speak, I'd felt so vulnerable, so frightened……… How could I not be afraid that he'd reject me? He, perfection and purity and light, and me, darkness and evil and poison. And when he didn't……… My world was suddenly so wonderfully perfect. Nothing could go wrong. Absolutely nothing. I had my little Yugi, I had all I needed. And now……… What if he hated me? I didn't think I could go on living with that knowledge.
I must seem sickeningly dependant on Yugi to you, and I'll tell you the truth. I was. I am. It's almost sad. But when your very existence rides on your bedmate, you tend not to want to let him out of your sight. My sweet little Yugi……… Suddenly I wanted to be back with him so badly I could feel it in my chest, and it hurt. So I started running. The cold air whipped my face, making my eyes water with the sting, but I didn't stop. Gods, I'd run forever and a day, to hell and back again, if it would please him. My gift, my blessing, my hikari……… My Yugi.
I found myself standing on the doorstep, suddenly experiencing a wave of doubt. Suppose he was still angry at me? Suppose he wouldn't even look at me? I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. A bad habit of mine. When in doubt, I don't do anything. I just freeze up. Bakura seems to resort to violence when he's not sure, and Yami Malik seems to live by the phrase Malik's so fond of quoting; "When in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout." I just freeze. So I stood there for the longest time, terrible scenarios in which Yugi would tell me he never wanted to see me again playing through my head as though someone left one of those damned vcr's on a loop. So you can imagine my shock when the door opened and Yugi greeted me with a sad look.
" Are you going to come in, or what?" he asked softly. I looked down at him and I could see he'd been crying. It took all the self-restraint I had not to gather him into my arms right there and kiss away his tears and make love to him until he smiled again. I can't stand seeing him like that. I cannot stand it.
" Yeah, I guess." I said, stepping in and following him up to our room. Our room. Our bed. I gulped. I find Yugi amazingly attractive, and sometimes it's difficult……… I couldn't imagine him being very pleased if I suddenly wanted to have sex out of the blue.
" Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" he asked me suddenly. I flashed a look at the bed and tried not to think the thoughts that kept racing through my mind anyway.
" It didn't exactly seem like you were listening to anything I said, so I just……… went out." I said helplessly. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to just kiss him and whisper into his hair how sorry I was. But Yugi seemed to sense that urge from me and stepped out of my reach. I scowled at him.
" I'm not making this easy." Yugi told me, returning my scowl.
" Well, what do you want me to say?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, my own anger and indignation rising again.
" An apology might be a good way to start." He said matter-of-factly. Oh, so he wants an apology? Well, maybe I'd like an apology too.
" It takes two to tango." I shot back. I can be every bit as sarcastic as anyone else.
" I wasn't the one being a jerk." Yugi pointed out. I huffed a little, even though he was right.
" I didn't see you helping the situation." I reminded him, which was as true as what he'd said.
" Is it that hard just to apologize?!" Yugi asked me in exasperation.
" I was just messing around! I don't see a need to apologize!" I cried back. Oh, I did see a need to apologize. Nothing was worth Yugi staying mad at me. Yugi glared at me.
" Fine. Have it your way. But don't expect me to let you sleep in my bed tonight." He said, his voice soft and uncharacteristically angry. I was instantly sorry. Unfortunately, I was too stubborn to admit it.
" Fine. I'll sleep on the couch." I announced, turning and tromping loudly down the stairs into the living room, where I plopped down onto the couch and glared in the direction of Yugi's bedroom. He slammed the door behind me to make his point. I stuck my tongue out like a peevish child and propped my feet up on the couch, my arms crossed over my chest again. Grandpa came into the room, saw me glaring at a wall, turned, and left me alone. I was glad. Human interaction was one thing I really could not handle at the moment. I shot a sultry look at the clock, to discover it was nearly one in the morning. What the hell was Yugi doing still awake?! I may have been mad at him, but I was still his yami. I stood up and stomped back up the stairs, determined to make my anger known by making as much noise as possible. I stopped at his door and started pounding on it.
" What do you want now?!" Yugi screamed at me through the door. Yugi doesn't scream, and most certainly not at me. But despite my shock, I only got angrier.
" Get in bed! It's nearly one!" I yelled back.
" Make me!" Yugi shot back. Now this was getting out of hand.
" I will!" I promised angrily. " You don't want me to come in there!"
" I'll call Yami Bakura and claim hikari abuse!" Yugi threatened back. Then we both stopped. The idea was so preposterous……… Granted, the tomb robber would probably beat me into the ground for hurting my hikari, but the he wasn't exactly a saint. We both started laughing. I hoped that the fight was over. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
" Come on, let me in, aibou." I called.
" No. I'm still mad at you." Yugi told me blankly.
" This is so stupid!" I cried, slamming my head into the door.
" Tell that to your couch." Yugi advised. I glared at the door, imagining him sitting on the bed, those golden bangs framing that sweet childlike face……… I tried the knob again, to no avail. Then I sighed and went back down stairs.
Do you have any idea how boring old sitcoms are? Very, very boring. Especially when all you can think about is a certain short little hikari whom you want more than anything you've ever wanted before in your entire five thousand year long existence. And that girl on the TV thinks she's got problems. I lay there on that cold couch for a ridiculously long time, watching that blasted box and munching on whatever I could find in the kitchen that didn't require preparation. And feeling remarkably stupid.
I guess I get contemplative when I'm depressed, because I was really thinking. It was better than letting myself totally zone out into that box. I don't like the TV. I'm convinced that it hypnotizes people and influences their actions. Hey, I've got statistics to back that up! Don't look at me like that, I won't hesitate to use you as a vent for all those "pent-up emotions" Yugi's always pestering me to "let out." Anyway……… The whole thing felt so stupid. I think I might have mentioned that. It was just a girl. I could be up there right now, laying beside my precious aibou. But no, I had to make a smart-ass remark………
I guess I fell asleep. Because the next thing I remember was a small hand shaking my shoulder and a gentle whisper in my ear.
" Yami. Yami, wake up." Yugi's voice tickled in my ear. My eyes opened lazily and lolled over in my head to rest on that sweet face of his.
" Huh?" I grunted. Usually, I wake up easily. But I figured my consumption of alcohol dulled me a little.
" Are you awake?" Yugi asked me, those red-violet orbs flashing in the moonlight.
" Um, yes, I am now." I muttered, rubbing my eyes. Then I caught it. The faint tickle of fear coming from him across our link. My eyes opened completely and I looked at him. " What's wrong?" I asked. Yugi fidgeted a little, a blush creeping across his pale features.
" I, um, I had a nightmare." He whispered, lowering his gaze to the floor. " Could you come to bed?" he asked. I nodded, numbed by the possibility that he would want me back. I followed him up the stairs, watching him as he walked ahead of me. Everything about him so familiar……… The narrow shoulders, the short yet slim legs, the childlike figure, all wrapped up in adorable star decorated pajamas. He ran through our room and leapt into the bed, looking over his shoulder expectantly as I crossed more slowly. A light smile teased his features as I crawled under the covers next to him and pulled him against my chest. There are no words for the emotions that flowed through me. Completeness, joy, love……… They all fall short. I felt like I could explode, and I wanted to run around in circles and scream it to the world, but at the same time, I never wanted to move again. I wanted to die, and I wanted to live like I never had before. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh, and I just wanted to lay still. And more than anything, I never, ever wanted to let go of my precious, angelic, hopelessly pure hikari.
" I'm sorry, aibou." I whispered.
" Me too." Yugi returned quickly. Then he snuggled closer. And once again, I was possessed with all the paradoxical urges I should have been used to. I felt our link suddenly flow wide open and I wanted him more than ever, if that was even possible. And he answered my questioning nudges readily. My lips found his unguided and soon I was re-exploring his mouth earnestly with my tongue. My hands drifted up his chest and worked expertly at the buttons on his pajamas. I wanted to kiss every part of him, and he was more than willing to oblige.
In the night, in the darkness I know far too well, with my precious little one pressed against my bare chest, I stared at the pale moonlight, and the twisted shadows, in contemplation. I heaved a small sigh, and glanced down at Yugi, fearful I had woken him. But no. The night's activities and emotional stress had taken their toll on his slight frame. He was exhausted, and I didn't expect him awake for a long while. Fortunately, the next day was Sunday. I worried I had stained him, tainted that beautiful purity that was his alone. Tainted him with my own sinful existence. Gods, I was the very embodiment of every thing I sacrificed my life to destroy in the old times. I had become what I hated and feared most. I had become the living night, the walking shadow. My own power had seeped into my skull and corrupted my very essence, poisoning me beyond all hope. I was poisoned, and there was no cure. Even Yugi, the light to my darkness, the goodness to my evil, can't cure me of the poison. It's always there. It always will be. The madness that I know……… The madness we all know. The madness Yami Malik lives with. The madness Bakura and I fall to too often for comfort. The madness of the poison, the madness of the darkness that creeps up behind you when you least expect it, sneaks ever so softly into your brain and before you know it, it's become a part of you so deeply embedded that you know beyond all doubt that it will always be there. I wanted to weep, to scream, and to laugh like the madman I'm quite capable of becoming.
Everyone has their bad days, right?
When you know you shouldn't exist, when you hate yourself so fully you can taste it……… You'll know me. Maybe it's just a bad day. Maybe I'm just being stupid, and, as you can see, I'm pretty good at that. But I can't help but feel……… When the others look at me, they see a confident, slightly egotistical, former Pharaoh. Someone who's always ready for some competition. Someone perfectly confident in his abilities. Someone with utterly iron control over himself. And that's what I want them to see. I want them to see that, so they don't question me. I don't want them to see the part of me that's unsure and frightened of my own being. I don't want them to see the insecurity and self-loathing and desperation. Gods, don't take Yugi from me. I know you probably think it'd be best for him. And who knows? You might be right. But please, if there are any merciful gods left, don't let them take Yugi. He's all that's keeping me sane, all that's keeping me from surrendering completely to the night. I don't want to go back to the lonely, maddening wandering……… They say solitude can drive one to madness. If only I could give it such a paltry name. If only it was petty loneliness……… Something far more sinister lurks there, ready to steal the last precious bits of me left from time long gone. The last precious bits of someone I used to like……… of someone I once was. Maybe that's why I cling to Yugi. Maybe I see a little bit of myself, younger, more innocent, in him. I won't let you take him from me. I won't. You can try. I dare you to. I promise, you will live to regret it. Just try.