Title: Ruminations
Author: Loisarah
Rating: G, but kinda angsty
Summary: Yet another fic based on THAT scene in "Snakes", GSR. Grissom's thoughts.
Warnings: none that I can think of
Spoilers: Season 5's Snakes
Author's notes: Dialog from episode is not mine. And I guess you could consider dialog from the original scene as flashback.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't have any money, not making any money. You can sue, but there's a long line of people ahead of you trying to get money. It'd be a while.
Having given up on sleep long ago, he was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. One hand behind his head, the other rested on his stomach. Frustrated, Grissom let out a loud, aggravated sigh, a momentary break in the silence of his darkened bedroom.
If the conversation in his office earlier that night was meant to reassure him in any way, it failed. Professionally, he wasn't too worried about Sara, but personally, he was worried. While the DUI had scared the hell out of him, he didn't really think she had a drinking problem. Sometimes, though, he wondered about her behavior. The term "death wish" came unbidden to his mind. Most of the time he was able to push that thought away. Most of the time.
It was when she talked about them, and their relationship, he felt the most apprehensive. He kept replaying their conversation and his thoughts from earlier over and over.
She'd come into his office, asking if he had a minute, and he'd had no idea what was coming. She had started talking about the staff changes, and Ecklie, nothing that had bothered him, and nothing too personal. At least not at first.
"You've always been a little more than a boss to me," she'd said, with a slight smile.
You've always been more than just an employee to me. Or even just a student to me, he'd thought.
"Why do you think I moved to Vegas?" she continued, smiling at him.
I guess I didn't think that much about it, until now. Am I that selfish? Yes, yes, I am.
"Look, I… I know our relationship has been complicated," she'd quickly continued, not letting him answer her previous question, which was both a relief and a disappointment. As to calling their relationship complicated… that was an understatement.
"It's probably my fault. It's probably definitely my fault," she'd said, reminding him of a statement she'd made to him awhile ago about always over-talking around him. And it wasn't her fault, not completely, not by a long shot.
"You completed your counseling, right?" he remembered quickly interrupting. Is that the only thing I could have said? I guess at the moment I just wanted to move the conversation to safer ground. God knows I don't want to put any hint of how I feel out there for her to see. To analyze. I'll just let her put her heart on her sleeve and then let her down when I can't reciprocate. When he'd prompted her about her sessions, he wasn't ready for her pensive reply.
"Let's just say that… I sometimes… I look for validation in inappropriate places," she'd said, looking down at her lap, despondent.
He'd looked down too, attempting to avoid reacting to her, to how sad she looked. And to avoid showing his momentary disappointment. Is that all this… thing… is? A search for validation? I don't want it to be. I never thought it was before. But I remember how Sara looked when she said it. Rueful, sad, and yet a little more at peace than I've seen her for awhile. She'd looked resigned. It was as if she'd begun to move on. She should move on, he wanted to tell her to move on, there were better men than him that she should be interested in. He just wished she wouldn't move on.
You deserve so much better than me. But, selfish bastard that I am, part of me doesn't want you to have that. Hell, most of me doesn't want you to move on. I want to let you go, but I can't. Is that how you feel about me? God only knows why. I'm not worth any of this distress.
I couldn't say what I wanted, and you ended the conversation for me. Let me off the hook. Again. I wish that, for once, you hadn't. But I still would have had to think of what I want to say to you. I don't think I ever will know. That just might take more emotion and courage than I have.
You deserve it, but I don't think I can give that to you.