See first chapter for notes and warnings.

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Chapter Four

He couldn't sleep. Four of the Muggle sleeping pills had done nothing towards knocking him out - worthless things really - and he didn't dare take more. He would be teaching his first classes in the morning; bad enough to be red eyed and exhausted for his debut in the world of magical education, he didn't need to be half drugged as well.

Rolling out of bed, he began pacing. This was obviously a mistake; he never should have returned to Hogwarts. He was finding the ghosts of his past lurking around every corner. Striding over to his desk, he pulled open a lower drawer and removed the bottle of Ogden's Old he had travelled to Hogsmeade to purchase. After splashing a few inches into a glass, and waiting for the smoke to clear, he took a cautious sip. Yes, it was just as he had remembered it. That really was the worst part about living among the Muggles: their liquor was most inferior.

Remus took another sip and glanced cautiously around the room as though expecting the headmaster to come bursting out of the wardrobe to chastise him. When no one appeared, and no ward began screaming: "Warning, warning! The werewolf's getting drunk!" he relaxed slightly and walked over to sink into the chair in front of the fire.

Just below the crackle of the flames, it seemed that he could hear the distant sound of Sirius's laughter. Not the happy sound he remembered from when they were children, or even the dark, bitter laugh it had turned to during the war, but that insane, almost mocking laughter he had heard the sole time he had visited Sirius in Azkaban, just a week after his friends had been slain.

Why did Sirius insist on haunting his thoughts? Why could the past not stay buried like it was supposed to?

"Why?"

Remus jumped as the unexpected voice came to him out of the darkness, unnaturally loud in the silence of the dorm. He had thought the room was empty. Slowly he hung up his robes and turned to face Sirius. "Why what?" he asked carefully.

"You know damned well 'what,'" Sirius said, stepping out of the shadows. "Why did you spend the evening in the library with that...that...thing?"

How did he know that Remus had been in the library with Severus? Sirius had said he would be serving a detention then. "We were studying," he said cautiously, "for the potions exam."

Sirius moved closer, backing Remus up against the door. "Studying?" he asked sarcastically as the muscle in his jaw began to twitch. "For six hours? I don't think that's all you were doing. Did you kiss him?"

"What? No! Of course not," Remus protested automatically.

"Liar!" Sirius spat, whipping his wand from his sleeve and pointing it directly at Remus's face. "I watched you! Did you fuck him too?"

"No, Sirius, I swear I didn't," Remus said, staring anxiously at the tip of Sirius's wand. He inched his hand towards his own wand, but he knew that there was no way he would be able to draw it in time to stop Sirius if he decided to hex him. "It was a mistake, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I would never-"

"I would never," Sirius repeated mockingly. "I've seen the way you look at him. I bet he's all you can think about." His grip tightened on the wand and Remus closed his eyes, expecting a curse to fly in his direction at any moment. When none came, he risked another glance at Sirius.

Suddenly Sirius's face softened and he lowered the wand. "Really, Remus," he said as he reached out to stroke his face lightly. "Do you really think he would ever touch you again if he knew what you are? Do you think he could actually love a monster like you? He wouldn't keep it a secret, like I do. He would tell everyone, and then where would you be? The school governors would never allow a werewolf to stay at the school. It would be just terrible if that happened, wouldn't it?"

Remus tried to look away, but Sirius's hand tightened on his face, forcing him to look into his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sirius," he said quietly.

"Shhh..." he whispered. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean it. You just made a stupid mistake, and I love you too much to watch you do something so very stupid." Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus softly, pulling him into his arms.

Remus sighed and rested his head on Sirius's shoulder. "It will never happen again. I promise."

"Damn it!" Remus growled and hurled his glass into the fireplace where it shattered and caused the flames to briefly flare. His voice seemed to echo loudly through the empty room. He stood angrily from the chair and walked over to the desk, ripping open the drawer and digging around until he located the small bottle. Shaking four more pills into his hand, he frowned to realise that the bottle was more than half empty. Soon he would have no choice but to ask Snape for a sleeping potion. He did not look forward to it.

Swallowing the pills, and gagging slightly at their bitter taste, he walked over to the bed and collapsed across it, praying that sleep would come quickly.

He didn't remember falling asleep and when he woke he regretted having slept at all. His vision was blurred and his head ached fiercely. After a very long, and very cold bath he felt somewhat human again. Or, at least, as human as he ever felt, all things considered. A quick check of the time revealed that it was still early. He wouldn't make it to breakfast, but there was still an hour remaining before his first class.

Class. Dear Merlin. He felt in no way ready to go teach children. Briefly he wondered if it was too late to skip town. Surely he could be halfway to Hogsmeade before anyone even noticed that he was gone. He savoured that line of thought for a time, but as pleasant as it was, eventually he was forced to push it aside. Time for work.

Before heading to the classroom, he stopped by the staff room to check on the boggart he had found for his third year class. He had requested that it be left for his students to deal with, but he wanted to double check that it was still there. He didn't want to be embarrassed on his first day by throwing open the wardrobe and finding that it had wandered off somewhere.

"And for our first lesson, we will be battling the ever frightening...err...old coats. Highly dangerous if you happen to be allergic to wool or dust." Yes, that would go over quite well then, wouldn't it? At least the students would get the laughter part of the lesson down pat, though it wouldn't really be the best way to start out his new career.

The boggart was still where he had left it. Good. Snape was also there. Not so good. The sight of his sneering face first thing in the morning would be enough to ruin anyone's day. Remus was about to turn on his heel and leave without speaking to him, but at the last minute he changed his mind. Slamming the door shut, he whirled to face him. It was gratifying to see Snape's eyes widen, if only slightly, in surprise.

"What is your problem?" Remus growled at him.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape asked, sounding truly taken aback.

"You sneer at me, or you avoid me. But you don't speak to me! I repeat, what is your problem with me?"

Snape sneered. How dreadfully typical. "I believe," he said, "that it works both ways. The last chance I had to speak with you, you wouldn't allow me a single word."

Severus was avoiding him again. Or perhaps he was avoiding Severus; it was rather hard to tell. Remus knew that Sirius would be furious, but he simply couldn't stop thinking about that all too brief kiss in the library. Knowing that he had to see him again, he set out in search of him.

Strangely, he was at the same window, watching the sunset when Remus finally found him. He joined him, saying nothing, and placed his hand lightly over Severus's on the windowsill. His hand tensed, but he did not draw it away.

"Why?" Severus asked quietly, not looking away from the setting sun.

Remus's stomach twisted uncomfortably, hearing the echoes of Sirius's angry accusations in his mind. "I'm sorry."

Severus turned; his face was carefully neutral, but his eyes were questioning. "Are you?"

"No," Remus said truthfully. "I'm not sorry in the least."

Severus's voice was almost too quiet to hear as he said, "Nor am I."

Remus wanted to reach out to him, but he didn't dare, not here. Severus's hand was warm beneath his own and his body ached to feel more of him. Remus looked deep into Severus's eyes and meant to say that he could not see him again. The words betrayed him. "I must see you again."

Severus nodded slowly. "Not the library."

"No, not the library," Remus agreed. It was far too dangerous. "We'll have to find somewhere else."

"Can you meet me tomorrow?"

Tomorrow would be the full moon. No, he wouldn't have any chance to get away before nightfall. "I can't, not tomorrow."

"When then?" Severus pressed.

"Soon, I promise." As soon as the full moon was past, he would find Severus and tell him everything. Sirius was wrong; Severus would never betray his secret, he wouldn't. Remus heard footsteps approaching from around the corner and pulled away. "I'll send word."

"Excuse me?" Remus asked incredulously. "I'm certainly not the one avoiding you here."

"Of course not," Snape said with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

Remus glared at him, entirely forgetting his plan to annoy Snape through excessive cheerfulness. He was a bit too annoyed himself to truly pull it off. "Why exactly is it that you hate me so much?" he demanded. "Is it because of what I am?" Somehow he couldn't bear to think that Sirius had been right all those years ago.

"No," Snape said simply, and turned back to his reading as though the entire conversation was below his notice.

Remus wasn't going to allow this to drop that easily. Now that they were finally talking, they were bloody well going to talk. "Why then?"

Finally rising to the bait, Snape threw down his book and stalked towards Remus. "You know why," he hissed.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. "Yes," he whispered, "I suppose I do. But you must know that I regret that as much as you do. Perhaps even more! If I had known that it was going to happen I would have never allowed it. I would have stopped him somehow!"

Snape froze; a look of shock and distrust on his face. "You didn't know?"

Remus stared at him for a long moment, and then laughed. "Know? Of course I didn't know! Why in Merlin's name would I have endangered both of our lives by doing something like that?"

"But why then?" Snape demanded. "And don't give me any of that nonsense about it being some kind of harmless prank! Black intended for you to kill me!"

Remus sighed and dropped into a chair, cradling his head in his hands. "Sirius saw us together and he was jealous. I think he knew that I would leave him eventually, and perhaps he thought that if he killed off the competition I would stick around a while longer. Bloody stupid plan that was; I would have killed him myself, had he succeeded."

Snape stared at him for a long time, his customary sneer faltering. "Competition," he said at last.

Remus gave him an incredulous look. "Yes, competition! You were there weren't you?" He narrowed his eyes. "Or did you simply think that the kiss was nothing but a set up?"

"Of course I thought it was a set up!"

"Paranoid bastard," Remus muttered. "You would of course think the worst."

"What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to know? It certainly seemed like something your lot would do."

Remus sighed. "Yes, I suppose it did. For that I'm sorry."

"Why did you stay with him after that?" Snape asked, none of the usual malice in his voice.

"What choice did I have? If I had left him, he would have told the entire world what I am." Remus rubbed his forehead, trying to push away the headache that was forming. "Besides, I doubt that many others would have accepted me. Love is hard to come by when you're...someone like me. And I needed someone then, even if the person happened to be a bastard. The stupidity of youth, perhaps."

Snape regarded him suspiciously. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because we have to work together. Better that things be at least somewhat civil between us." And because your eyes still do dangerous things to my heart rate, even after all these years. Remus was grateful that he managed to keep at least that last part to himself.

"I see," Snape said. Perhaps he sounded somewhat disappointed, but that was likely only Remus's overactive imagination at work.

Remus could feel a malicious glint growing in his eyes. He stood and began walking slowly towards him. Snape backed away, but Remus kept coming until they were a mere foot apart. "Why?" he asked, grinning a bit. "Did you think that I was trying to dredge up old feelings? That perhaps I wanted to drag you into a dark corner of the library and take up where we had left off?"

Snape's eyes narrowed slightly. "You're late for class."

Remus blinked, confused. That was certainly not where he was going with this. "What?"

"You, Professor Lupin, are supposed to be in your classroom, teaching the students to defend themselves against the Dark Arts." Was that a smirk on his face? "Or had you forgotten? I'm certain that the students are awaiting your arrival most anxiously."

Remus checked the time and saw that he should have been there five minutes ago. He cursed and rushed towards the door. He was already in the corridor when he heard Snape call his name.

"Lupin, good luck."

It was not until he had reached his classroom that he realised the smile on his face - for the first time in months - was not forced.