I don't own Fruits Basket.

"Aah!"

From out of nowhere, Hatsuharu ambushed Tohru. What resulted of his arms frantically thrown around her was him turning into his Jyuinishi form.

"What the hell did you do that for!" Kyo demanded angrily. He was so taken off guard that he almost choked on the riceball he was in the middle of munching. And he thought it was impossibe to choke on rice.

"I just was happy to see Tohru-chan," the cow replied.

"What's with the racket? I'm trying to sleep in," Shigure complained sleepily. He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Stupid Hatsuharu hugged Tohru! And for no reason too!" Kyo shouted.

"Someone's jealous, someone's jealous," Shigure sing songed.

"Shut up!"

"Shigure has a point. Jealousy is unbecoming on you, Kyo," Yuki retorted.

"What is today, Pick On Kyo Day?"

"You kids work this out yourselves. I'm going back to bed." The black-haired novelist muttered about the dangers of waking up at eight on a weekend, but he wasn't heard by anyone.

"Oh! Sorry, Kyo. We don't have any more milk." Tohru's head popped up from behind the fridge door. "I'll have to go to the market. Would you like to come?"

"No. I'd better stay with the idiot cow."

"I'll come with you, Ms. Honda," Yuki said as he followed her.

Kyo wasn't overjoyed at being left alone with Hatsuharu. He considered going after them, but thought better of it. He resolved to go on the roof and chill or something when the dumb cow opened his mouth.

"So, Kyo. Ever wonder what it'd be like?"

"...What?"

"To milk a cow."

Kyo wasn't sure what he was talking about or where he was going with this. "Can you get any more random? What kind of opening line for conversation was that?" He stood up, not being keen on talking to him.

"Kyo... I want you to milk me."

Kyo's eyes bulged. Okay, Hatsuharu was definitely cracked. "WHAT!"

"Come on...We're all alone, there's no one to see. Milk me, Kyo," he called out in a breathless whisper. "Milk me."

"You are SICK! I would never do that!"

The cow trained his eyes on Kyo. "Are you afraid that you might enjoy it? Or that you don't want to touch my breasts?"

His eyes were unwillingly drawn to the pink semicircle that resided beneath his white stomach. He shuddered at the thought of even CONSIDERING touching his udders, of squeezing them...

He shoved the disturbing mental image out of his head. "Hatsuharu, I'm not going to milk you."

"Let's say there was no more milk. Then would you milk me?"

"There's the market!"

"If Yuki decided to turn the jugs over, pop the caps open, let the milk empty out on the floor and take a dip in it, would you milk me?"

"He would so not do that, or I'd kill him. And NO! I don't even like milk like that."

"You're a cat. You love milk. And cat nip. And fluffy balls of yarn."

Dammit, he was right. "I may love milk, but I wouldn't drink milk from YOU."

It was quiet for minutes on end until Hatsuharu spoke again.

"You know you want to."

"I DO NOT!"

"Milk me, Kyo. Milk me."

"You wouldn't believe it, Kyo!" Tohru said as she ran in. "There's no more milk at the supermarket. I think they lowered the price and it sold like hot cakes."

Hatsuharu smiled at Kyo (if cows can smile). "You have no--"

"EEEK!" Tohru shrieked as she turned around. A loud poof sounded as a colorful cloud concealed him for a split second.

"Put your clothes on!" Kyo shouted as Hatsuharu began to shoot the breeze with Yuki and Tohru.

"Alright, alright," Hatsuharu consented as he pulled on the scattered articles of clothes. "There's no point though."

"Why?" the orange-haired male couldn't help asking.

"I'll just end up naked again!" he yelled as he hugged Tohru.

The cow turned to Kyo. "You will milk me."

"AAAH!" He ran as Hatsuharu began chasing him.

"Are you scared? Stop being selfish! Tohru would gladly milk me!"

"I don't know what was going on here..." Yuki shuddered. "And I don't want to know."

And so, Tohru and Yuki ate breakfast until the cows came home (Literally! Hatsuharu had a gang of cows to chase him and he hugged random girls to maintain his cursed form, so it took awhile for them to get home. And that is another story...)

But this isn't...

"So, what's for dinner, folks?" Hatsuharu asked while lounging at the table. Kyo realized he had dropped the milking matter for now, but he still was fuming. He slid out of the shadows with something behind his back.

"Oh, I'll tell you," Kyo said darkly.

"Let me guess? Your fists?"

"We're having...HAMBURGERS!" A bunch of frozen patties was thrown over him. Hatsuharu shrieked.

"Ew! Dead cow! Stop it!"

"You wanna chase me around and gang cows up on me? Huh!"

Hatsuharu ran with Kyo in close pursuit.

And, that, my friends, is the end.

O-fuckin-wari