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Ignoring the voice he continued, "Anyways, I met this Abarna on love for losers. She was quite pretty, excellent, GINORMOUS arse. Rather pathetic though, fancied herself a witch."

"Ha!" said the voice. This time, a girl walked in, a girl with bushy brown hair, and rather large front teeth. A flimsy purple cape was hanging loosely on her body, exposing her purple garters and fishnets. Why! It was the REAL Hermione Granger!
"Hermione! You're OK!" Harry, relieved to see his friend out of danger, gave her a big bear hug.
Hermione gave him a look of pure disgust, "Potter, these services aren't free. If you want a piece of this white chocolate, hand over your galleon."
She sauntered over to the red head with a cigar the size of Harry's calf, took out a bag of coins, and handed him 4 galleons. "Here, I gave Snape a double treat tonight." The red head glanced at Hermione naughtily and wiggled his eyebrows.
Harry gawked at this exchange with pathetic innocence, while Draco snickered. "Hermione? You know my father?"
"Father? How thick can you get, Potter? This is Ron, aka Ronette , my pimp."

Malfoy gasped. "Weasley, you've changed..." He allowed himself one small longing glace in Ron's way before coming to his senses and asking "how much is the mudblood for the night?"
"It depends on your size Malfoy, for you I'd say one Galleon" answered Ronnette the Pimp as he held out a small jeweled purse.
"Actually I'm done for the night" retorted Hermione, "I may be wearing fishnets and a purple sequined cape, but I'm about selling myself to idiots like you!"
"What about Snape"? Mayfoy asked.
"Let's just say that Snape was a more lucrative endeavor than you would ever hope to be…" replied Hermione furiously as she walked out of the room.
Ronnette, not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity began to follow Hermione, yelling back "I'll try to work something out Malfoy, don't leave yet."
Malfoy turned to Harry, "I can't believe you didn't recognize Weasley, Potter, are you ok?"
"Well, I was a little distracted, Draco. Hey... if Hermione's not free tonight… maybe you and I ...-" at that moment Ronnette's jeweled stilettos could be heard coming down the hall.
"Alright Malfoy, she'll meet you in the prefect's bathroom, we all are, after all, prefects." said Ronnette
Malfoy eagerly left for the prefects bathroom, leaving Harry and Ron alone.

"Finally alone, father and son," said Ronnette jokingly.
"Shut up," said Harry, lounging on the chair. "I can't believe I was that stupid. I mean, Bing is stupider than I am, but man, this was Jawn quality." Harry looked up to the ceiling. "Please Lord, I promise never to be stupid again."
"God?"Ron cried, looking over his shoulder. "I don't see no God! What if he's here? What will he do to me?"
Harry put his arm around Ron. "It's ok. Rich people like me can go through life without sinning because we don't need to make money. On the other hand, poor filth like you who were born and deserve to be condemned to poverty do need to work you way out by sinning. Your choice Ron, Hell or Money?"
Ron embraced Harry in a brotherly fashion. "Bro, thank you. Ya really gave me good advice there. You-" Then he looked into Harry's eyes. "WOW, Bro...you are...you are so..."
Harry felt a stirring inside him. A latent but passionate stirring. Was this what he had been searching for all his life?
"Do I have to pay?" asked Harry, whispering in Ronnette's ear.
"No, people who make me feel all warm and tingly inside like butterbeer don't haveta pay," whispered Ron cooingly back.
"You are going to hell," whispered Harry again, trying desperately to maintain the romantic feeling.
"I am taking you down with me," whispered Ron, knowing that it was business now. "To our beds!"

Despite this night of excitement, romance, and hormones buzzing around, the foursome decided to go back to their SEPARATE dorms and go to sleep in their SEPARATE beds.

The next morning, our four friends woke up early to get ready for church. Each individual pulled on a crisp, clean, rather conservative robe. In their SEPARATE dorms, Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Draco set to making their SEPARATE beds, straightening the sheets, and fluffing up the pillows.
"Ahhhh," Hermione sighed, taking a look at her immaculate room, "cleanliness is godliness".

They met down at the Great Hall, greeting each other warmly with friendly words. Seating themselves at a table, they admired the fresh fruit and bagels in front of them.

It was Ron's turn to say Grace this morning, so the four held hands while Ron talked with the deepest sincerity, "O Lord. Thank You for this wonderful meal in front of us. Thank You for our friendship and utmost respect for each other. Thank You for leading us away from a life of sin. I pray in Jesus name, Amen."

"Amen" echoed Harry, Hermione, and Draco.

An hour later, they headed to church in the pleasant village of Hogsmeade, chattering merrily with an occasional chuckle or two.

Suddenly, Hermione stopped, "Guys, I'd like to talk to you about something."

The boys stopped too, "Of course, Sister Hermione, anything you say."

With a look of fervent piousness, Hermione bit her lip, "I know I've always wanted to be a Hogwarts professor after I graduate, but, the goodness on this earth, the goodness in you three, have inspired me to become a nun and live a life of holiness."

"Me too!" Ron agreed with enthusiasm, "And I'm changing my name back to Ron, maybe even Ronald, yes yes Brother Ronald sounds a lot better than Brother Ronnette."

"I wish there was something else we could do to express our faith" said Hermione.
"I know what you mean" said Harry with a nod, "I know! Lets form our own Christian Rock band! Draco can be the drummer, Hermione can sing, Ron can play bass, and I'll play lead guitar"
"I wan't to play lead guitar" snarled Malfoy.. "Drums are for mudbloods and squibs"
"The drummers are always the cutest guys in the band" giggled Hermione with a suggestive glance in Malfoy's direction
"Malfoy will play drums and I will play lead guitar" said Harry difinitively.
"No I wan't to play lead guitar!" snarled Draco. The arguement continued back and forth for several minutes until the inevitable happened:
"Oh yeah, well I'm larger" exulted Harry.
"No, I'm larger!" snarled Malfoy.
"NO I"M LARGER" "NO IM LARGER" (hehe right back where we started) etc.etc. etc... then...
"I know how we could find out" said Malfoy. Harry felt an odd sensation... could it be that he was really in love with draco, after all, you know what they say, there's a very thin line between love and hate. Harry couldn't think of the name for what he was experiencing... oh yeah- DEJA VU.
"NO DRACO. I refuse to submit to your petty tricks to get me into the sack. I will not compromise my morals simply to satisfy my curiosity. After all, I know in my heart of hearts that I am larger".
"NO, Im larger!" exclaimed Draco. And the arguement continues... until...
" Now what about out values!" screamed Ron "today was turning out so well..."

"FINE! I DON'T WANNA BE IN YOUR STUPID BAND! " Draco shrilled. "Anyways," he prepared for the deepest insult, "I'm a JEW!". With that, Draco turned on his heels and stormed out.
"Wait! Draco! Come back! I'm a Jew too!" called Hermione as she ran after him.
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm Shinto!" Harry spat and left as well.
"And I'm a pimp" Ron whimpered. Miserably, he buried his head in his hands and cried like a baby, "so much for changing my name to Brother Ronald."

Meanwhile, Hermione had followed Draco back to Hogwarts., "Come on Draco, forget about those gits. Let's go chill in the Gryffindor Common room."
Draco linked his arm to hers and chuckled, "I have a feeling there won't be a lot of chilling going on because it's getting pretty hot!"
With that, the two groped their way inside.

Harry looked longingly at Draco and Hermione. "I can't believe she stole him."
Ron looked longingly at Draco and Hermione. "I can't believe he stole her."
Harry suddenly snapped out of his trance. He looked at Ron, whose eyes were bloodshot from crying.
"We have to do something!" said Harry, the heat of anger rising up inside him. Or maybe it was a hot flash. He was starting to get those often too.
"But what?" cried Ron, wiping the tears off his face.
"There, there," Harry cooed(much like a pigeon) "we'll get our revenge...just think, Brother Ron." Harry added with a smile.
Ron grinned meekly. "Thanks Harry."
With that, the two groped their way inside.
Suddenly, Harry felt a wave of ice water down him. It was good for his hot flash, but still a little too cold.
"Blimey!" cried Ron. "What was that for! You-" Suddenly Ron stopped. He realized who he was talking to-The Bloody Baron.(Finally, someone had to bring him in. The chapter's name is "The Bloody Baron's Secret" for God's sake)
"Well hello, lovers..."said the bloody baron silkily. Or maybe he said it bloodily. "Well well, Mama always-"
"Yeah, we've heard it before" Harry said exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. Then he rolled them again, for effect. Then he realized that it was sort of fun to roll your eyes around, so he kept on rolling them.
"Yeah, we HAVE," bit Ron back, cunningly. Meanwhile, Harry was still standing there, rolling his eyes around.
"No, you haven't heard ALL of it before." said a voice behind them. Harry stopped rolling his eyes, Ron stopped biting back cunningly, and they turned around in hope.
"It's Hermione!" Ron cried.
"It's Draco!" Harry cried.
"No..." said the Baron. "My oh my, I haven't seen you in a while. Welcome back, Sirius Black."

Guess whos back? SIRIUS BLACK! BACK IN BLACK! Indeed he was back, blacker than ever. "Yes I am back!" announced Sirius, "with my beautiful wife Fing."

"and that is my bloody secret!" finished the Bloody Baron