"Fing?" gasped Harry. He drooled in awe as his sexual orientation did a 180 and he found himself longing for the fantastically beautiful goddess who was now engaged in liplock with his shapely godfather. His shapely godfather…

My, thought Harry, dazedly, This bisexuality stuff can get pretty confusing on the whole ethics front…

Yet ethics did not matter to the hormone-driven boy who could sense that, in fact, London Bridge was staying up as he gazed at the gorgeous man and his tongue exchanging greetings with the beautiful woman. Harry wished it was he who was being licked, but his flamboyant fantasy was far from real. Feeling a pang of embarrassment, he quickly stepped behind Ron's spectacularly purple (and fluorescent!) cloak to hide his little friend. As if on cue, the plush-adorned pimp piped up: "Sex can wait, masturbate!"

This statement of blasphemy was enough to wrench apart sexy Sirius and his heavenly catch. Harry was dumbstruck, amazed to here his pious friend utter such a phrase.

"You're not Brother Ron, you're Brother Wrong!" he quipped, as cruelly as such a lacking insult could be articulated. Little Harry, fully humiliated by this wretched attempt at humor, seemed to lose all his spunk and sank rapidly, as if deflated. Harry turned red as everyone stared at him.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment," said Sirius condescendingly as he tossed his luxurious head of sleek black hair. The woman with him mirrored his movement. "But Ron- Ron! You can't honestly believe that line of thinking! Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten!"

Ron looked horrified. His God, the beneficent, loving, omnipotent spirit of all life, was not truly so nice as he was cracked up to be! It simply could not be!

"The Lord's wrath knoweth no boundaries," he whimpered. "Oh, John the Baptist! The kittens! I've murdered thousands of kittens!" He broke down in racking sobs and fell to the floor, a pathetic lump of Muppet-like purple. The others in the room exchanged a glance, and came to a silent agreement to let him come to terms with his sins on his own.

Sirius spoke again. "Anyway, Fing and I are going to get hitched pretty soon." He smiled at her. Harry could feel his heart sink as he realized the two most beautiful people of all time were completely unavailable for his manly urges. "Ever since meeting her, she has strengthened my faith, and I have embarked upon my ninety-seventh virginity in order to marry her."

A bright red head appeared from the quivering lavender fluff, looking distinctly impressed. "Whoa, Sirius, you really got around," Ron said worshipfully, before dissolving into tears and diving back into the cloak.

Sirius smirked as no one had ever smirked before and turned to his fiancée, eyeing her hungrily. For a moment she returned the gaze, but suddenly it was her turn to be reduced to sniveling sobs. Sirius looked alarmed, and quickly retracted the tongue he had been readying for a kiss.

"Sirius!" she snorted, eyes streaming like gutter pipes in a violent thunderstorm, "Sirius… I can't do it!"

"NO!" shouted Sirius. "I want the sex, damn it! I'm trying to get to a hundred!"

"No," she wailed pitifully. Harry rather thought her attractiveness waned as her thickly applied makeup streaked off to reveal a hideous monster, the likes of which had theretofore been unknown to mankind.

"Gah!" shrieked Sirius, recoiling from that fell beast that now stood before him. "Get away from me, you vile miscreation!"

The vile miscreation stood there, dissolved in tears and growing progressively more grotesque as time passed. Harry stared in fascination, wondering what the hell this abomination could really be.

"What… what are you?" he asked nervously.

Between its sobs, the creature began to talk. "I'm… I'm Marissa from the O.C," it wept. "I ensnared Sirius with my television celebrity powers, and fed him love potions so he would desire me… and I love him so much, I thought he might reciprocate my feelings… so I stopped pouring them down his throat… By then, I was so made up, he really wanted to get some, and we were going to get married… but… but I can't keep up the disguise any longer! I'm an androgynous mutant spawned from a frog and Karl Rove!"

Sirius stared in horror, then suddenly toppled over backwards in an impressively dramatic swoon. This caused the mutant to cry even harder.

"Erm… well," Harry said, trying not to make the situation worse. "That'll take some time to get used to… don't worry, though, I'm sure he'll come around in the end…"

Yet even as he spoke, Harry felt that those were the most patently false words he had ever spoken, and no living being could ever love Marissa from the O.C.

Several hundred feet away, Draco and Hermione were passing the time in a much more creative fashion.

"Oh... oh, Draco!" she screamed, steamingly passionate as she strained against the leather that bound her to the bed. "This is so hot!"

"That phrase is trademarked by Paris Hilton!" he gasped, between moans of ecstasy. "You want to be careful about those international copyright laws!"

Hermione shrieked as Draco's milky touch sent new waves of rapture through her body. "Enough foreplay!" she panted. Feeling inspired by this new elation, and feeling confident that the climax that would come was going to be the best a prostitute such as the likes of her would ever experience, her fingers drifted to his nether region.

She yelped in shock as she groped around and encountered nothing but air. "DRACO! Where's your- where's your-" She was too overcome with horrified emotion to even finish her simplistic sentence.

Draco covered his face with his hands, the moment clearly lost. "Oh, Hermione… it's true… I'm a eunuch!" He twitched convulsively as he uttered those fateful words, and tears poured down his translucently white skin.

Hermione gave a squeak and recoiled as if burned. "But Draco- why?"

He shook his head mournfully and wiped his tears, clearly regretting the loss of his assets –nay, arsets. Well, more like his shaft, really. In any case–

"It's an age-old custom of the Malfoys," he sighed heavily. "The first son from my family," he explained, "has traditionally been a eunuch for a prince from Turkey, or somewhere in that general vicinity -my geography is abysmal - dating back to the years of glory of Alexander the Great. We Malfoys were also very famous in the opera in the past few centuries – we were the best castratos. I haven't been assigned my royalty yet" –here he sniffed dramatically– "but I can only hope he'll be my Prince Charming."

Hermione was clearly torn between revulsion and sympathy, and the unattractive face she made mirrored this dilemma. "Oh, Draco," she said at last. "I hope you find your Prince Charming, too. But I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really disappointed we didn't have sex, 'cause you're pretty damn hot. I don't know if I can forgive you for that."

"Oh, Hermione!" he cried. "Thank you for your support. If it's any consolation, I would totally be inside of you now if any remnants of my manhood remained."

Hermione, picturing this image explicitly in her mind, began to weep as she realized on what she truly had missed out. The tears distressed Draco, who (understandably, given that he possessed not an ounce of testosterone in his entire body) started to cry as well. "I'm so sorry, Hermione," he wailed. "I can't help it. If only one of us had a dick, I'd be so happy… Oh, what I wouldn't give for you to be androgynous now!"

Hermione slowly met his eyes, smiling slyly.

"AHA!"
Quickly, Draco and Hermione tore apart from their locked gaze and turned aroud to see a triumphant Harry Potter, his eyes fixed in between Draco's legs.
"Malfoy! What happened to your brain? I thought you said you were larger than me!" Harry taunted.
"Potter! You'll be sorry!" Draco screeched, jumping up to his feet and pointing his wand at Harry, "Vanishoso Penis!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry yelled as he grabbed his crotch and hopped around. In a fit of rage, he beat on his chest and tore at his hair and face. "Malfoy! How dare you! That's the last thing my father left me!"
"It's all right, Peachy" murmured a raspy voice, hardly concealing its excitement. Once again, the flamboyant purple pimp, Brother Ron, has appeared at Harry's side, "Mine's big enough for the both of us."
"Ha!" Harry retorted with satisfaction. "Does SHE?" He glanced pointedly in Hermione's direction with a devilish grin.
Again, Hermione's eyes slowly met Draco's. Again, she grinned slyly.
All of a sudden, Hermione let out a gasp, "UGGGGGhhh, I think my water just broke!"