Chapter 4

The banquet room was filled with senior staff and the visiting entourage seated at circular tables strategically placed throughout the hall. At Dr. Weir's head table, where Sheppard and McKay customarily sat, there didn't appear to be any vacant seats, and Rodney was silently grateful as they located an available table in the back of the room.

Hoping their late entrance went unnoticed, the scientist was dismayed when a hand soon dropped on to his shoulder from behind and a familiar Scottish voice spoke quietly in his ear.

"I must have missed you when you returned earlier. Don't be thinking you can skulk back to your room when this is over." A firm semi-threatening squeeze gripped the back of his neck and then was gone.

Shifting strategically in his seat, Rodney was able to watch Beckett's retreating figure as the Scot made his way to the head table. And almost as if he knew he was being scrutinized, the physician glanced back his way and gave a curt nod before taking his seat. "I'm toast," McKay grumbled to Sheppard, only to discover his friend locked unhappily in a non-verbal tête-à-tête with Weir. "Then again, we're both toast."

"Take it easy, McKay. She's not going to do anything at the moment and by the time this is over, maybe she'll be too busy to notice us disappearing out the back," his friend whispered out of the side of his mouth while his eyes remained focused on the arched brow raised in his direction.

"Yeah, I can so see that happening." Rodney picked up his glass of water and forced himself to sip it slowly, feeling the cool liquid slide down his throat and hit his empty stomach. When there was no residual churning effect, he cautiously started on his salad next.

Carefully keeping an eye on the scientist while working his way through his own salad, Sheppard was glad to see the man eating. "You doing okay? With the food, I mean?"

"Don't worry about me, Major. I know how to eat."

"As if there was any doubt," Sheppard snarked back. "That's not what I was asking though, McKay. I just had this jacket cleaned and didn't want you tossing your cookies on me."

Dropping his fork back to his plate with a clatter, Rodney stared at his friend in disgust, "Thank you very much for that wonderful visual. Now, I think I have lost my appetite."

The dark haired major poked the scientist in the arm with his own fork, "Oh no, you don't. You don't leave this table without finishing your dinner, or no dessert later." To reinforce his statement, he patted his pocket holding the flask.

A verbal retort froze on Rodney's lips when Elizabeth stood up and the room silenced. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity, before the main dinner is served, to make a toast of friendship and welcome to Ambassador Lokii and his family." She turned towards the guests and raised her glass, the rest of the room following suit, "May the achievement of our trade agreement be successful and prosperous to all of us. Thank you."

A smattering of applause rippled throughout the room before the ambassador stood up, also raising his glass in another toast. "Thank you, Dr. Weir. We also look forward to a long partnership with those here on Atlantis…"

Whatever else he had to say was lost on the astrophysicist, as Rodney's eyes stared at the ambassador before shifting his gaze to take in the remaining guests seated at the head table. Spying the smaller shape of a child's head, he swallowed back the uncomfortable feeling beginning to churn in his gut. It was only when Sheppard nudged him, did he blink.

"Is that the boy?" the major whispered, watching a young boy no older than eight or nine years old being called up to stand beside the ambassador.

McKay could only nod; his throat suddenly dry and he was no longer able to talk.

Ambassador Lokii wrapped his arm in a show of affection around the child. "I would like to introduce to you, my son, Bengi. Hopefully while he is here with me, he will be able to come to the understanding of just how important science, knowledge, and friendship are in life. What a wonderful opportunity to give a child. Thank you."

Again, glasses were raised, only this time McKay didn't move.

"Rodney," Sheppard hissed, acutely aware of others at their table turning to check on the scientist.

But it was too late; whatever had tripped a panic attack earlier in McKay must have been reactivated. All color had drained from his face and his breath began to come in short gasps.

"Oh crap. Not now, McKay. Think of the elements. Hydrogen, Lithium, Sodium. Come on doc, you can do this," Sheppard encouraged; hoping no one else noticed what was happening.

Rodney's expression shifted to one of momentary confusion, before he swallowed and licked his lips nervously. "Potassium, Rubidium, Cesium, Francium," he mumbled.

"That's it, you're doing good." Casually standing, so as not to draw attention to himself, he leaned down and placed a hand on McKay's back. "What do you say we go and get some air?"

"That might be a good idea."

"I kind of thought so. Do you need a hand?"

The scientist shook his head 'no' before he carefully stood up. Quietly excusing themselves from the other guests at the table, they made their way out to the hallway.

SG: A

The early evening sun sparkled like diamonds across the ocean as the two men made their way to the nearest balcony, to stand in silence and take in the view while enjoying the rain cleansed air.

"If it were only that easy, right, McKay?"

"What's that?"

"The rain." Sheppard leaned his forearms against the railing, continuing to stare towards the horizon and didn't meet the scientist's questioning glance. A slight smile crinkled the corners of his eyes when he realized Rodney was actually waiting for him to finish. "It washes the air clean of things we never even knew were there." He heard the shift in McKay's posture and realized that it was now or never, before the scientist put his personal walls back up. "I don't know much about you; what your past might hold or the demons you keep locked up in that melon of yours, but I think I can make a pretty good guess."

Rodney remained silent.

Turning so that only one arm remained on the railing, Sheppard studied his friend. "Look, I don't want to pry, well actually I do, but if you can't talk to me, you're going to end up on Heightmeyer's couch with your feet on a cushion." Was it defeat or resignation that simmered in the other man's face?

Without a word Rodney stripped off his dress jacket and let it drop carelessly into a puddle on the balcony floor. Shoving up his shirt sleeve, he stared at the scars on his right forearm, before giving them a good scratch. "This is when it started," he finally said.

"What's that?"

"The old nightmares. I thought… I'd hoped they were gone." His eyes quickly looked to the major, checking for signs of disgust or apathy. He was used to those being cast in his direction; instead he found only an intense look of support and patience. Startled, he felt himself taking an involuntary step back towards the door. "I was never good enough, always the weaker kid that got the crap kicked out of him on the playground. And then there was the second round when I got home, once the old man got a hold of me."

He scratched his arm harder, leaving angry red welts. "I swear Kolya was the devil incarnate. If he wasn't my father coming back to haunt me…" Rodney shook his head, swallowing the excessive fluid building up in his mouth, his hand once more tracing over the scar. "I just wanted to disappear."

"Is that why you took off yesterday?"

The scientist hesitated before nodding.

"You stood up to Kolya, McKay. And it's a real good chance that if you hadn't, Weir would be dead."

"No, I blathered like a panicked idiot. Couldn't keep my mouth shut." 'Shut up boy, just shut the hell up.' He winced, feeling the phantom pain of the blow that followed.

"Did you ever stand up to your father?"

"I tried…once."

"Probably while attempting to protect your sister, right?"

"She wouldn't leave. I wanted her to go with me but she said she was too young and that we'd get caught and sent back home." Rodney stared at the floor; his voice shook with his next revelation. "I left her with him."

"How old were you, McKay?"

Anger flared across the scientist's face. "Does it matter?"

"Rodney, how old were you when you left?"

"Sixteen."

"How old are you now? Thirty-six? Look at what you've done in the past twenty years. How many people are alive now, because of you being here right now?"

Rodney shook his head and took another step away from Sheppard. "No. People have died because of me. Did you forget? I gave Gaul the gun that he used to kill himself with."

The major took a cautious step forward. "That's right…that he used to kill himself with. You didn't shoot him. You didn't tell him to shoot himself. Hell, you stayed with him in a Wraith ship and tried to help him, knowing at least one wraith was awake, not knowing if there were more. Then you came to help me. You didn't run away, you ran towards trouble. Gaul and your sister rejected your help for their own reasons, but you still saved Elizabeth from Kolya, and me from the wraith." Pausing, he stared hard before choosing his next words carefully. "I would be dead now, Rodney, if you hadn't come to my aid."

He watched those words sink into his friend. "No matter what happened when you were young, however painful and deep that you've buried your past to forget, it's still a part of you. And getting tortured probably broke loose part of that wall, along with seeing the ambassador strike his son, and now you have to figure out what to do with those memories. Are you going to let them eat at you and turn you back into the scared kid from twenty years ago that would allow fear to dictate his life? Or are you going to stand up and remain the strong man you've become?"

Wearily rubbing his face, Rodney looked up to meet Sheppard's gaze. "I'm just so tired."

"I know."

"But I want to help the boy."

"I know."

"Think you might want to help me?"

The major reached down to pick up the discarded jacket, handing it over to the scientist, before steering him inside Atlantis. "You don't even have to ask, McKay. I was already planning on it."

TBC