I love you to the bones
Disclaimer: All belongs to JK Rowling except unfamiliar characters.
Warning: This is about an eating disorder, so may act as a trigger. If you don't like what the fic is about, or how I've written it (A/U), don't read. They are OOC.
News: Yes, I'm sorting myself out do not fear lovelies, recovery is my main objective, it's a slow process and your reviews have inspired me to keep writing. As I put on the top of every chapter this fic is A/U it means alternative universe it means I do what I want, when I want with the characters as I want so if they're off character… THEY'RE OFF CHARACTER! Ok. Yes, sorry I haven't been updating. This fic is semi based on my experiences so it seems random and fucked up but… it's how eating disorders are. It also says in the first chapter it's an experimental fic it's me experimenting with my writing. So IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ABOVE STUFFS PLEASE DON'T READ……People have said to me they don't want a happy ending fic, but read to the end of this chappie and at the basenote there's a little poll. All you darlings… Enjoy!
"Glad to see you back Miss. Granger" Said McGonagall severely, "Turn to page 43 of your textbooks, Seamus begin to read"
Hermione read ahead of Seamus reading the unfamiliar words, she'd read this book through plenty of times so had no need to listen to Seamus' slow ramblings and frequent pauses as he worked out how to pronounce the words.
She really felt hungry, and it was only half an hour or less since she had some food. She sighed and stared out of the window. How was she going to sort herself out? Drugs… what was she thinking, and piercings… She shook her said silently tutting to herself. Harry watched as she shook her head gently and her face screwed up in concentration. A shaft of light from one of the small castle windows was shining on part of her face like a yellow dawn sunbeam gleaming through the glint in a tree. He sighed and rested his head on his hand,
"Looking at anything in particular mate?" Ron said leaning close to Harry's ear,
Harry sighed and shook his head, "No, I'm looking at hardly anything at all"
Ron moved away and Harry murmured "Hardly anything at all"
Four weeks later Hermione sat at the dinner table. She was sat with Harry and Ron, and she grabbed a plate
"What are you wanting to eat today?" Harry said,
"Well not too much I'm still a bit bloated after those two bits of beef last night"
Harry nodded, "Mmmkay. How about some chicken then? And a bit of salad?"
Hermione forced a smile weakly, "Alright then"
She got three small slices of chicken, and a few good spoonfuls of salad,
"Condiments?" Ron asked gesturing towards some of the dressings, oil and stuffs for the salad,
"Yes, that red one… Salsa"
"Ok" Ron and Harry said. Harry passed it her and Ron smiled,
She put one small tablespoon of salsa on her palter, 25 calories she thought as she started at the pile of red gloop. She then shoveled a small forkful of salsa and lettuce into her mouth. She then rested down her fork and knife and took a sip of ice cold water. Harry smiled at her, and then carried on his conversation with Dean. She took the opportunity to skin a piece of the chicken it was done roughly and she flicked the skin onto her lap and then shifted around in her seat until it fell to the hall's cold floor.
The movement made Ron turn and look, "Enjoying the food?"
She nodded, and smirked to herself. If only they knew. They'd been to Madam Pomfrey the three of them together like old times and Pomfrey and talked through it all with them. Harry and Ron had obviously gone to her again, or the library and read up on anorexia and healthy eating for they knew a lot about calories and stuff.
Ronlooked down to his plate, and she made to get a drink but picked up one of the remaining chicken pieces with skin and dropped it to the floor. She then sipped her water her eyes glinting at Harry's head, deep in conversation, malignantly. She cut some chicken up and just as Harry turned she speared it with her fork, collected some salad and salsa and ate it smiling like the 'improving' girl she was becoming.
She then dropped her knife and fork as soon as he turned around and dropped the other chicken piece.
"Hermione?" Colin asked opposite her, she looked up trying furiously not to blush,
"Yep?"
He looked at her and down at her plate… "Nevermind"
Harry and Ron exchanged a glance. Hermione shoveled a forkful of salad and salsa,
"Bit of potato salad Herms?" Ron said,
"OK" She said, just to stop any suspicion, she spooned a small tablespoon of potato salad to her plate and ate it. Each gulp was like swallowing her own bile, the calories, the fat, the carbohydrates, the mayonnaise. She could almost feel vomit rising in her throat. The thought of the toilet later loomed, the exercising to burn the calories, she sighed. Life was so fucking complicated she thought miserably.
She felt herself glaring at her friends when they turned around, as if it was their fault food was the enemy, as if they were the enemy. But to her, they were in a way, they were traitors, they made her eat the food, food had fat, fat was the enemy.
It was a vicious circle of betrayal and complications. In a way she wanted Harry to jump to her rescue, to save her. But she didn't want to put on weight.
Now was her chance Harry had turned around, her heart beating furiously she looked for all their friends on other tables none were looking she shoveled half her plate into a napkin. She fumbled so much, and spent so long she was sure someone noticed, her heart pounded in her chest like sprinter's feet pounding on the ground during a race. No-one seemed to be doing anything different. Now she just had salsa and salad left, nearly perfect.
She started a conversation up with Harry and she ate a mouthful of food, put her knife and fork down, took a drink and then repeated. Always the same, always in control, cause with control came perfection and with perfection… Maybe just maybe she'd find love, someone to hold her, someone to fill the emptiness in her heart. As melodramatic as it sounded it was truly how she felt. She sighed and shook her head finishing her meal.
"Treacle tart?" Ron asked,
"I don't think she's quite that ready yet Ron" Harry said, jumping in before she could open her mouth to scoff at Ron, "Don't get me wrong I'd adore Hermione for trying some treacle tart but… She doesn't want to"
Hermione thought… And she reached out….
Ok well, sorry it took so long this chapter has been sat on my computer for a month, I have now directed all my alerts to my new e-mail account so with any luck I'll be on here more often. I'm sorry I've let all you guys down so much in these past few months hardly updating and stuff. I'm slowly getting over my problem with this shit. I know… I know… It seems quick, but it really hasn't been. Day seem like months to me, and my weight problem weighs heavily on my mind. So… I don't know, I have two endings for this fic planned, happy or sad, what do you guys think? Happy or sad?
OH AND AS FROM NEXT CHAPTER MY USERNAME WILL BE: halfXpastXdead
Please, please, please remember this, and remember to check me out… PLEASE! Your reviews really do mean lots to me and I'm so so so so sooooo sorry for not updating you guys.huggles everyone
Love
Liv