Title: Numb Feelings
Author: Queen Momoko
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Characters: Hikaru/Sai, Akira
Rating: G-PG
Requester: aethrin
Challenge: AU, Sai is alive, and Akira knows.

Just because I don't announce my feelings to the world at large, doesn't mean that I don't have them. It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't as strong as those of people who let everyone know when they're happy, sad or mad. All it means is that I like my private feelings to stay that way, private. If I choose to share them with someone, I do it because I know I can trust them.

Not that many people were ever really interested in how I felt about things. They were always just interested in how well I played Go. That was fine by me. Life was easy that way. It was very uncomplicated. My life simply followed its own easy pattern. The pattern had been with me through junior high and high school and when I went out into the world, it still suited me.

So I can say with certainty that the match I had with Sai followed into the same routine. It was only after the match was finished and we were leaving that I ran into Hikaru again. We had known each other as young kids. It was nice to see him briefly, but I had to leave. So we decided to meet later and discuss the past.

As I rode away, I thought back on the past we had shared. It had never really been much. I admit I had been drawn towards him. He was unlike anyone I had ever met before. Full of smiles and good cheer. He was a person who wore his heart on his sleave. But time had separated us and I didn't think much of it. He was just a friend.

When we later met, it was the three of us. Hikaru, me, and Sai. They could almost have passed off as just friends that evening. But I could tell. And for some strange reason, seeing them together and knowing they were happy with each other, hurt me. It left me numb and I didn't know why. But I covered it up.

Later, as the three of us spent more time together, Hikaru felt he could be more open about his and Sai's relationship. And each moment that they shared, pricked me just a bit. Somewhere in these times together, I must have shown something because Sai tried to keep Hikaru under control more about his displays of affection. But even still, I knew that Hikaru's exuberance of life would never let him stay down for long.

I've been on a few blind dates, all thanks to Sai's persuasion. They all ended with the one date. I am a private person. Anyway, my schedule won't allow for a social life. At least, not outside our small gatherings. I like it that way. I can barely feel the numbness anymore, whether its from getting accomodated to it or from it being all I can feel now, it doesn't matter. I will still go and watch the joy with which Hikaru lives.