The Titans all stood in an alleyway that led into a small courtyard with a single stone slab set in the center of it. Resting atop that slab was an innocent seeming and lonely looking top hat. It was this top hat the young heroes were all scrutinizing from the safety of the distant and shadowed crevice they hid in.
"All right, Titans. This is all going to go without a hitch. My plan is perfect, as I am the Boy Wonder, and, as such, everything I think of must be 'wondrous.'" Robin said, grinning proudly.
"But we have dealt with this blue pigmented individual before, and I am admitting unashamedly that we had the proverbial tail of our donkeys tamed quite savagely and viciously." Starfire spoke unabashedly.
"All right, Starfire, you want to know why this is going to work absolutely perfectly!" Robin snarled.
"I believe in your judgment, Robin, I was just stating that I hoped you had not overlooked our previous escapades with this m-"
"No, look. It's all right. I understand that no one believes in me. It's always the same thing! You think just because I run around and beat my team members' faces in without even hinting to them why, I'm a bad leader. I mean, I've only done it a few times. Anyway, Cyborg has a metal face! I got bruises when I was showing him my strong pimp hand! How do you think that makes ME feel!"
"Robin! It is quite all right. You may continue! Please do not spout the tears from your optics yet again." Starfire sighed.
"Yeah, that's right… But I'd feel a lot better if you suck my d-"
"Dduuuuuuude, hold on a minute!" Beast Boy shouted, stepping in front of the Titan leader. "How many times do I have to tell you guys? This is a children's cartoon!"
"Right, but children have urges too, y'know."
"Just.. Just go on with the plan, man."
"All right, but you owe me an apology later. You know.. Off screen."
Beast Boy groaned, but managed a small nod of agreement.
"Well, this is going to work for one simple reason.. This is a reason, however, that breaks childhoods.. It ruins lives. If you're not ready for it, you should cover your eyes. I'll admit.. It's a lot to handle."
All of the Titans shrunk away from him for a moment, but then relaxed. It was their approval for Robin to continue.
"We're going to win… Because I… Don't… Believe.. In…"
"Love?" Beast Boy asked.
"N-no.." Robin stammered.
"A monotonous yet intimate relationship with only a single, female alien?" Starfire ventured.
"Whoa, Tex, hold 'em up on that one!" Robin spat, shocked at Starfire's words.
"A non-male, non-white, non-straight president?" Cyborg asked.
"Uh.. No.. I don't believe in magic, guys! That's it! Magic! If we don't believe, then he can't get us! Kind of like the tooth fairy, you know? Or Santa Clause! If you don't believe in them they won't come to harvest your soul – or rip the teeth out of your mouth then shove 'em up your butt!"
"But.. Robin… My powers revolve around magic." Raven said quietly.
"Hey, witch! You shut your mouth! I didn't say you could speak, did I?"
"N… No, sir.." Raven whispered quietly.
"Right… Good.. So now that we're all in agreement.." He punctuated this with a stern look into each of his team mates faces. "We roll out."
-----
The Titans crept forward stealthily, each quietly walking in a line, one right behind the other..
Robin held his hand up, and the others behind him halted. He waved his hand, and the other Titans followed his gesture. They spread out in a five pronged circle surrounding the stone slab with the hat resting on it.
Innocent…
Lonely...
Nothing about in menacing, and definitely not magical..
Robin held up a gloved hand. He drew one finger down.. Two fingers… Three fingers.. Four fingers.. And he point-
"ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" A string of loud gunshots followed the statement. Bullets wildly ricocheted everywhere, so close to the Titans they could feel the heat from them.
Beast Boy shrieked and hit the ground in the form of a cowering turtle. Raven soon landed beside him, where a few tears wormed their way out of her eyes.
The other three Titans stood defiantly, each spiraling in a circle, looking for the voice's origin. They took on a defensive stance and stood... Stood.. Stood..
A large, hulking figure dropped down onto the ground a few feet adjacent of the titans. He was a mammoth human in an even bigger suit. Large, silver chunks of thick steel ran all the way up its body, covering every square inch of him in impregnable protection. His huge helmet had a red glinting visor that studied each of the Titans for but a second. Immense weapons hung off of him, some from him shoulders, some from him back, and an even larger one that put the others to shame clinging across his chest. They all had one thing in common - they were guns so huge the dwarfed even Cyborg.
"Holy crap.." Robin said shakily.
The man looked down at Robin. He stomped loudly towards him. As he neared, Robin could see how large the man was. He was easily three times as tall as him, and as wide as the back of a truck.
"DIDN'T YOU HEAR?" He asked boomingly. "I'M THE BOMB SQUAD! THAT'S A BOMB! THE BOMB SQUAD COMES FOR BOMBS! YOU ARE NOT THE BOMB SQUAD! DID YOU SET THE BOMB FOR THE BOMB SQUAD TO ATTEND TO?"
"Sir! Please. That is not a bomb! That is a terrible, terrible weapon! It is a magical hat of meanness and hurting of all that is good! You must escape quickly, before the hat's owner decides to act upon us!" Starfire said pleadingly.
"ARE YOU CALLING THE BOMB SQUAD A LIAR? THE BOMB SQUAD DOES NOT LIE! THE BOMB SQUAD KNOWS ALL! THE BOMB SQUAD ALSO DOESN'T HIT LADIES, BUT HE WILL SURELY STRIKE YOU!" He spun about swiftly, and marched towards Starfire. "YOU WILL OBEY THE LAW OF THE BOMB SQUAD! EVERYONE WILL GET DOWN!"
The Bomb Squad reached a monstrous hand out towards Starfire. Just as he was about to envelop her, Robin acted. "Wait!"
"WHAT IS IT? THE BOMB SQUAD IS CURRENTLY ACTING! THE BOMB SQUAD HAS NO TIME FOR WAITING!"
"Yeah, you do! Look! It's just a hat. See? Just a regular hat! Not a bomb, not magical, or anything!" Robin emphasized this by waving that hat around madly. "No explosions or rabbits or anything. It's all good, see?"
The Bomb Squad stood still for a moment, as if the slow gears within his head were struggling to think. After a minute of stone still nothingness, he quickly snaked a hand to his chest, and removed the monstrous gun. He hefted it in Robin's direction, and the four foot long barrel loomed threateningly at him.
"NO!" He snarled. "THE BOMB SQUAD MUST ACT! HE HAS NO TIME FOR INDECISIVENESS! HE WILL DESTROY THE BOMB BEFORE IT DESTROYS OTHERS!"
With that uttered, he reached forward and cocked the massive shotgun. In replied with a resound 'CLACK!', and its deadliness has been assured.
"BOMB SQUAD ACTS!" He fingered the trigger, and took aim at the hat – which more or less meant Robin was in danger from his feet to his head.
"Holy mother of Mary the third son in a long of strict Christians!" Robin's hands flew to his face defensively.
"TERMINAT-"
At that moment, someone rushed out and stood before Robin. He spun, flashed a large grin at The Bomb Squad, and turned back to Robin.
"My dear Robin," he said, "It appears you had the on switch… Off." Mumbo Jumbo promptly reached forward, snatched the hat from Robin, and ran his hand along the top of it.
"There!" He declared, happily slapping the hat onto Robin's head. "Let the show.. Begin!"
"THE BOMB SQUAD HAS ONE BULLET, AND THERE ARE TWO HEADS! BUT THE BOMB SQUAD HAS NO FEAR, BECAUSE HE HAS TAKEN DOWN THREE RAMPAGING ELEPHANTS IN ONE SHOT BEFORE!"
"Aaagh!" Robin screamed fearfully as his head disappeared.. Then his neck.. Then his chest.. And all the way down to there was nothing left of him.. But a hat.
"… THE BOMB SQUAD DECLARES THAT THE BOMB SQUAD IS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!"
"Then why don't you scream?" Mumbo Jumbo asked. He caught his hat in mid air, and aimed it at Cyborg and Starfire.
"That's racist! Just 'cause I'm black and she's… Tam.. Tama.. Tamradanamaiaslamma or whatever doesn't mean—AAGH!" Cyborg howled as he and Starfire were pulled towards the hat, then disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Mumbo Jumbo pivoted in place, and aimed at Beast Boy and Raven, who were still cowering on the ground.
"Holy sh- Aagh!" Raven yelled as she was pulled into the hat by a magic wind, with Beast Boy swiftly following at her heels.
Just as the last view of Beast Boy faded, a green elephants trunk exploded outwards from the hat. "It's still a children's show!" With a final rush of air, the changeling disappeared from view.
"… THE BOMB SQUAD IS STILL AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!"
"Good! Then maybe you'll SHUT UP!" Mumbo Jumbo stormed towards The Bomb Squad, and stopped a few scant feet away from him. His hat aimed at The Bomb Squad, who stood as stoutly as ever.
"IS THE BOMB SQUAD TO GO INTO THE HAT?"
"Uh.. Y.. Yeah, if you could…" Mumbo Jumbo blushed.
"THE BOMB SQUAD SHALL COMPLY!"
The Bomb Squad swiftly ducked his head, and began forcing himself into the magic hat. When all that remained where his kicking feet, his voiced echoed outwards.
"WAAAIT.. YOU WERE TRICKING THE BOMB SQUAD!"
"Of course! That's all magic is, silly." Mumbo smiled.
"ALL BOMBS ARE IS BIG EXPLOSIONS!" There was a popping sound from within, and a second later, a grenade soared out at Mumbo Jumbo's face. It wasn't a normal bomb – it was just as large as the man who launched it.
Mumbo's eyemask widened in fear as he saw the explosive hurling at his face. The explosive that, he noticed, was just as big as his entire head.
"It appears you do have a few tricks…" He murmured.
End of chapter one…