Sandy clings the side of the overstuffed king-size mattress, knowing that in this position any sudden shift in his center of gravity will sending him tumbling to the floor. In this position even if Kirsten reaches out she cannot reach him, he cannot feel her body heat and suddenly he likes it that way. It disturbs him considering only months before he wouldnÕt have been able to sleep unless her body was curled into his , their arms entangled, if she let go during in the night, heÕd seek her out. He canÕt remember when he started sleeping like this, not that he sleeps much anymore. He canÕt understand why the feeling of her body against him is now unbearable. Maybe, it occurs to him for the first time tonight, it is not the feeling of her skin, but rather the smell of her breath that he can no longer stand. Vodka doesnÕt smell, or at least thatÕs what he has been told, yet can can smell it on her. Or maybe he can smell nothing and that is different after 20 years of smelling the acidic, strangely bittersweet merlot that she used to love.
Or maybe it is what this particular change implies that bothers him so much, that she no longer drinks because she loves a good glass of wine, but because she can't help it, because she's lost control. She no longer drinks merlot because it takes too long to work, because the amount she would have to drink would arouse anyone's suspicions, she drinks vodka, which she has never been particularly fond of because it is works faster, is difficult to detect and easy to hide. He feels ashamed he realizes. He didnÕt even notice the smell of the merlot becoming stronger with each passing day before abruptly changing into this new nothingness, on some bizarre level he can appreciate this change as a metaphor, he has watched her, without noticing, change from the woman he has loved for 20 years into almost nothing, there so little left, only quiet numbness once the alcohol has kicked in, and anger, she is so angry now, he feels like he barely knows her anymore. He knows now that the only reason he still lay here at night, he hasnÕt really slept in weeks is to make sure she remembers to breathe, doesn't fall out of bed and hit her head, itÕs all he can do to protect her now.
All his worst fears have come true he realizes, he has failed, failed her, failed their boys, Ryan may not think of himself as part of their family but he does, he hasnÕt been able to save her from herself, he realizes only now that he abandoned her, because after last summer it was easier.
He stares at the clock on the bedside table, 5:40am, he hasnÕt slept again and now realizes thereÕs no chance he will, instead, in the last minutes before the sun comes up, he will lay there silent and still and try to figure out where the hell it all went so horribly wrong and pretend doesnÕt already know.
Or maybe it is what this particular change implies that bothers him so much, that she no longer drinks because she loves a good glass of wine, but because she can't help it, because she's lost control. She no longer drinks merlot because it takes too long to work, because the amount she would have to drink would arouse anyone's suspicions, she drinks vodka, which she has never been particularly fond of because it is works faster, is difficult to detect and easy to hide. He feels ashamed he realizes. He didnÕt even notice the smell of the merlot becoming stronger with each passing day before abruptly changing into this new nothingness, on some bizarre level he can appreciate this change as a metaphor, he has watched her, without noticing, change from the woman he has loved for 20 years into almost nothing, there so little left, only quiet numbness once the alcohol has kicked in, and anger, she is so angry now, he feels like he barely knows her anymore. He knows now that the only reason he still lay here at night, he hasnÕt really slept in weeks is to make sure she remembers to breathe, doesn't fall out of bed and hit her head, itÕs all he can do to protect her now.
All his worst fears have come true he realizes, he has failed, failed her, failed their boys, Ryan may not think of himself as part of their family but he does, he hasnÕt been able to save her from herself, he realizes only now that he abandoned her, because after last summer it was easier.
He stares at the clock on the bedside table, 5:40am, he hasnÕt slept again and now realizes thereÕs no chance he will, instead, in the last minutes before the sun comes up, he will lay there silent and still and try to figure out where the hell it all went so horribly wrong and pretend doesnÕt already know.