The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.
August 2nd, 1881
Dear Diary,
Nadir dropped by this afternoon.
Successfully whooped his persian ass at my brand new foosball table.
Have decided to look into the cherry scent in Box Five, as it would be a most wonderful addition to my torture chamber.
Erik
August 4th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Asked Christine if she knew anything about cherry lip gloss. She said I should ask Raoul next time I'm in his box chopping his hair off.
His box? HIS BOX?
And I didn't chop his hair off. Chopping would imply an axe-like weapon. I gently snipped it.
Okay, so maybe I wasn't all that gentle.
Erik
August 5th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Nadir has returned demanding a rematch.
Bet him an entire batch of blueberry waffles that I could beat him again.
He claimed that I didn't really beat him the first time because he was at a disadvantage.
I told him the fact that he sucked didn't count as a disadvantage. The fact that there was a punjab lasso around his neck however...
So I'm a bit competitive.
-Erik
August 7th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Bought a new apron to wear during waffle-making kitchen excursions.
No waffle batter on MY new suit.
Apron reads "Kiss me, I make waffles". Pointed this out to Christine, who came to visit.
Christine replied that she was not going to be ordered around by an apron.
Damn her.
Erik
August 10th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Christine has told me she enjoys watching me make waffles. Finally! I've only been trying for a damn month to impress her with the waffles.
Has now begun coming by quite often asking me to make her waffles.
Am suspecting ulterior motives.
Erik
August 11th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Christine came by for waffles again today.
She brought me a present too. Maybe she finally loves me for me!
Or maybe she only loves my waffles.
Erik
August 12th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Christine's lovely "gift" actually turned out to be a black speedo. Enclosed note said that I could wear it while making waffles.
Have explained to Christine that if she wants waffles, she can come over for waffles, if she wants sex, she can just say so, not make up some lame story about waffles.
Christine replied that she didn't want sex, she just figured I'd look good in a speedo.
Thank god for those trips to the tanning booth.
Erik
August 15th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Nadir refuses to admit that I am simply better than him at foosball.
I told him to cheer up, and that I was getting an air hocky table delivered next week. Perhaps he can beat me at that.
Nadir has said that we should instead invite the managers and maybe the Vicomte down for a weekly poker game.
Erik
August 17th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Have decided to agree to Nadir's idea for a weekly poker game.
Have invited the managers and the fop down for a game tomorrow night.
Told the fop that I'd bet his ponytail, so he'd have a chance to get it back.
Christine, reading over my shoulder, which I can't stand, pointed out that it's not as though he could reattatch it anyway.
Explained to her that Raoul probably was not smart enough to figure that out.
Erik
August 19th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Poker game last night did not go well.
The fop ate all the potato chips, and proceeded to start crying when he couldn't manage to win his ponytail back.
I'll be sure to inform Christine that he is as stupid as I thought he was.
Apparently, one of the managers, I don't know which one is which, is very allergic to tomatoes. Will have to remember that next time I put out nachos and salsa.
But come on, what sort of idiot doesn't know that there are tomatoes in salsa?
Erik
August 22nd, 1881
Dear Diary,
Have considered framing the fop's ponytail and selling it on eBay.
I'm sure there's a fop-lover somewhere who would bid on it.
In other news, the cherry stench in Box Five has finally filtered out.
Hurrah!
Erik
August 24th, 1881
Dear Diary,
No takers on the ponytail.
I don't understand - there's people selling a mayonnaise jar full of souls that have 18 bids, and I can't get anything for the hair of Raoul de Chagny?
Aren't there some fop-lovers out there SOMEWHERE?
Beat Nadir at air hockey too. Poor chap.
Erik
August 26th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Nadir says he has chosen to abstain from this weeks poker game.
Accused him of being a sore loser.
I explained to him very nicely that I'm just better than him at everything.
Christine seemed quite intrigued by this prospect.
Erik
August 27th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Another poker disaster.
Monsieur le Fop got word of his ponytail being up for grabs on eBay, and got quite upset.
It's up to seven dollars already. Oh joy.
At least there were no more horrible tomato reactions, although the poor man's head is quite big and puffy already, so I really couldn't know for sure.
With all the money I'm winning off those two in poker, I certainly hope they will be able to afford my salary.
Erik
August 30th, 1881
Dear Diary,
Twelve dollars on the ponytail.
Had a strange craving for waffles today. Apparently they smell very strong, as Christine showed up at my door asking for waffles.
Am glad she finally appreciates my amazing cooking skills.
Erik
August 31st, 1881
Dear Diary,
And the ponytail has been sold to some twelve year old in Ohio for 16 dollars and 40 cents.
Perhaps I should rub it in the fops face that his precious ponytail isn't even worth twenty dollars.
But his crying is really quite annoying.
Erik