The Shmoopy Files: Part One
By Allied to Darkness and Overlord Niky
For future reference: I use flames to cremate Jedi and/or roast marshmallows.
Disclaimer: We sadly do not own Star Wars and we apologize if we offended any special needs people…if they can read this. And we don't own that other character Hayden Christensen played in that other movie…although we really, really wished we did. This is purely fun, do not take it seriously.
It was quite simple really. The Skywalkers just refrained to talk of him. And for all the galaxy knew, he never existed. Who is this I'm referring to? Why, of course, the Chosen One. No, not Anakin. What do you mean 'what the in the sith'? His name it was…well, do you really wanna know? Really? – waves hand – No, you don't. My Jedi powers are too working! As for the name…it's stupid. He was supposed to be a girl! He was to be named for Shmi. But the fates decided that'd be far less entertaining than what they had planned. Not that girls are stupid or unimportant. Cause they aren't. We rock, but anyway…shush! Don't worry, I'm getting to the frickin' name!
His name was…it was…
"Shmoopy! You retard! What did you do with my lightsaber? They are very dangerous, what did I tell you!" Obi Wan scolded as the real padawan ran into the wall on the other side of the room.
The Jedi could sense his apprentice's anxiety on the other side as he heard, "Betty, I can't see you! There's a force field!"
Then came the obvious sound of sobbing.
"Shmoopy, it's alright! It's just a wall. And don't call me Betty! It's Obi Wan! My name doesn't even sound like Betty!" Obi Wan held back his anger as to not upset the 'special child' any further.
"What's happening?" Anakin queried. "Did he forget about the walls again?"
"Ani! Is that you?" Shmoopy asked through sniffles. "I can't see you! Am I blind? Be my eyes, Ani!"
Obi Wan turned to his padawan's helper pleadingly…yes his helper. "Please, help me."
Then suddenly the Jedi took a double take at the young man. He had dyed his hair black, he had some sort of silvery tack in his chin, and he was wearing eyeliner. What. The. Fuck. Obi Wan continued to stare, ignoring his padawan's pleas. "What did you do now?"
"Fuck you," Anakin replied, putting his giant headphone back on, Marilyn Manson blasting through them.
Then the author of the story poked Anakin. "Uh…Hayden?"
Anakin turned and lifted one earphone. "What do you want?"
"Wrong movie," she told him. "But I did love the shower scene." Still not able to stop talking about him while he raised an eyebrow. "You should have had one in Star Wars, in my opinion."
Back to the story. Sam- I mean Anakin went through the door to see his retard of a brother with a turban blocking his view. The 'helper' sighed frustratedly and pulled off the turban (which the padawan had stolen from the flea market) as Shmoopy looked at his now-Goth brother in surprise. "You saved my life! But you're too scary to be Ani." He paused. "…Did you eat him?"
"I am Anakin, you dildo," he turned to the audience. "No, I'm not in the wrong movie!" He turned back to his brother and added, "Oh and by the way,sped,I'm sick of picking up your shit!…I mean literally your shit is on the ground. You gotta start wearing those god damned training pants!"
"I don't wanna!" He sobbed again and snatched back his turban. "And tell Betty he's mean!"
From the other side of the wall, Obi Wan shouted. "I AM NOT BETTY!"
"Don't make me kill you again, you idiot," Anakin threatened, popping two pills.
Speaking of idiots, Padme and JarJar strolled in, hand in hand.
"Guess what?" Padme asked excitedly. "Me and JarJar are married!"
"And I didn't get a wedding invite? How rude!" He said, still on the other side of the wall, hands on his hips with his new coach purse. He turned. "It's not a purse! It's a man bag!" He corrected me.
"It's a purse, girly-man," I quipped. "We all know you share you're make up with Darth Maul."
Shmoopy gasped and looked around. "Who said that! Was that…the Force?"
Anakin glared, as a demonic spirit possessed him. "Die."
Shmoopy keeled over and died. End.
Next week Shmoopy rose from the dead. And dies randomly again. Ani remains a druggie. Padme has an affair with a mysterious force-ghost. And a fangirl falls into Obi arms.
I told you that you didn't want to know.
If I were Anakin, I'd turn to the darkside too.
TBC
A/N: Awesomeness. Hope ya like this! BTW, my friend, Overlord Niky, would've used "it's just a flesh wound" instead of "it's just a wall" but that wouldn't make sense so I didn't put it in. Oh well. For those of you who know, Anakin was acting like the best Goth character ever (in my opinion), Sam Monroe from "Life as a House"!
Oh and Overlord Niky also wanted JarJar to be attacked by fire ants. Maybe in another chapter.