The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.
January 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Getting ready for the big New Year's bash.
Have finished fluffing feathers in my very awesome hat.
Damn, that sounded so incredibly foppish.
Shall have to ask Nadir to slap me for that one.
Erik
January 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Masked ball a great success.
Scared the crap out of everyone.
Janitors are mad because they have to clean it up.
Nadir made fun of me, saying I looked like a skeleton dressed as a pimp.
What does Nadir know, anyway?
Challenged Raoul to a swordfight, but he had forgotten his sword.
Stupid fop.
Turned around to go find it.
Used the oppurtunity to lop off half of his ponytail with my sword.
Would have gotten the whole damn thing if he hadn't have been running away like a six year old girl who just wet her pants.
Erik
January 3rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul has returned with a very... interesting... sword.
Said his mother gave it to him
Not sure whether or not to point out that it is, in fact, made of cardboard.
Challenged him to a fist fight, but he also fights like a six year old girl, turning his head away, and slapping his arms about wildly.
Resisted urges to pick him up and chuck his spasming self into the lake.
An act that, unfortunately, is not as lethal as one would think.
Perhaps I shall have to invest in some scary fish. Like Siamese Fighting Fish!
Erik
January 4th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have located a website that sells fish.
Hurrah for the internet! It seems to have everything.
My fish will arrive in a few days.
THEN a swim in the lake will be a truly fatal experience!
Erik
January 5th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Decided that before I make my lake a "truly fatal experience", I should have one last swim in it.
Reluctantly donned one of the speedos Christine had given me.
She seemed quite pleased to realize I was wearing it.
I suppose one always does appreciate seeing their gifts put to good use.
Erik
January 8th, 1882
Dear Diary,
My deadly Siamese Fighting Fish of DOOM have arrived!
They seem kind of tiny.
Well, so is Raoul, and I'm sure he could beat up... something...
Alright, that was a really bad comparison.
Though he fights like one, I don't think Raoul could even handle a six year old girl.
Erik
January 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Deadly Siamese Fighting Fish of Doom not quite as deadly and doom causing as was previously anticipated.
More interested in killing each other than in killing the fop.
The fop claims that they messed up his manicure, but I think that was probably caused by his second go at a spaztic slap fest that he calls a fist fight.
I really don't understand what Christine sees in him.
Erik
January 12th, 1882
Dear Diary,
After spending all day fishing tiny dead half-eaten fish bodies out of the lake, I have decided that this was altogether a horrible idea.
Will have to invest in something more deadly.
Like pirhanas.
Or alligators.
No, wait, alligators can get out of the water.
They are only allowed to eat the fop, not me.
Righto, pirhanas it is.
Erik
January 15th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Pirhanas are significantly harder to find than the tiny fish of manicure destruction.
And quite a bit more expensive.
The website claims that is due to "extreme personal risk" while collecting the specimens.
Well there wouldn't BE an "extreme personal risk" if you weren't catching the pirhanas by using your hands to dangle sausages in the water.
How in the hell do you expect a stupid fish to know the difference between a sausage and a finger?
Erik
January 17th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Alright, here goes my second try at deadly aquatic life in the lake.
Was considering throwing the cat in to test it out, but have grown very fond of the cat, so decided to just toss Raoul in and be done with it.
At last glance, he was missing half of his right ear.
Ha!
Now he is hideously deformed too.
Well, not really.
But I'm making an effort.
Erik
January 18th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Fop has decided to strategically hide partially eaten ear with hair.
Obviously, I will be forced to shave that side of his head.
I certainly hope he's a heavy sleeper, as it would be quite unfortunate if he woke up during the process.
His sudden movement might cause me to "accidentally" stick the razor in his eye.
And that would be such a shame.
Erik
January 20th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul a heavier sleeper than originally anticipated.
Decided to give him a very stylish mohawk.
Could hear his screams all the way down in my lair.
Speaking of my lair, I this "My Lair" or "The Lair" is rather boring.
I mean, why can't it be something cool, like "The Bat Cave"
Then I could run around with Nadir and stay stuff like, "TO THE BAT CAVE, ROBIN!"
Except his name isn't actually Robin.
"TO THE BAT CAVE, NADIR!"
Erik
January 22nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have begun a list of cool new names for the lair.
The Bat Cave is still on top.
Here is my list:
The Bat Cave
The Frat Cave (Well it sure seemed like it on Halloween...)
The Fop-Extinguishing Cave (That's rather a lot of syllables though)
The Waffle Cave (I rather like that one...)
Actually, how does this sound, for when I go to challenge the fop to another fight...
"TO THE WAFFLE CAVE, FOP!"
Nevermind, I just remembered all the slash writers lurking out there.
How about we drop the subject and forget I ever said that?
Erik
January 23rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Pirhana seem to be growing restless.
Asked Raoul to dangle a foot in and let them have a toe or two.
He refused, saying he just got a pedicure.
Asked what business he had getting a pedicure.
Said it was fun, and I should try it.
Replied that of course, that would be wonderful, he and Christine should come over for a night of pedicures.
He said he'd be over tomorrow.
Honestly, sarcasm is wasted on that boy.
Erik
January 24th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul to be arriving soon.
I was hoping he forgot, but he called ahead to ask what color nail polish he should bring.
Unfortunately, grimaces do not seem to travel through telephones.
Asked if he had "blood"
Said of course he did.
There must be a book out somewhere, "Sarcasm for Fops" or something like that.
Erik
January 25th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Last night was a disaster.
Had Raoul walking around the lair with millions of bottles of nail polish.
And pink curlers in his hair.
What was left of it anyway.
Told him that if he had a mohawk, he may as well make it look remotely cool.
He tried to paint my toenails pink.
I shudder at the thought.
Could not get any alone time with Christine, as fop was constantly lurking offering to paint our toenails.
Erik
January 27th, 1882
Dear Diary,
The lair still stinks of nail polish.
Damn fop!
How can Christine even think of living in a house perpetually full of that stench?
And the stench of all the hairspray he must use to keep his hair perfect.
Well, as perfect as hair can possibly look when in a mohawk that wants to look normal.
Erik
January 28th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Am winding up with dead fish again.
The pirhanas must be really hungry.
Except now it's not tiny fish bodies so much as slightly larger fish skeletons.
Which, frankly, look kind of cool.
Perhaps I should use them for interior decorating.
Erik
January 30th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Hung up some of the fish skeletons.
Nadir came over and pointed out that they smell, sort of a lot.
Told him that I washed them in the lake.
Nadir replied that cleaning stuff in a lake full of dead fish does not actually count.
Pointed out that some of the fish are, in fact, alive.
Erik
January 31st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have agreed to take down the fish.
Christine said they were very creepy.
I still say they're cool.
Perhaps I should keep a tooth and wear it around as a necklace.
Would I look too much like a surfer dude wannabe?
Erik
Thank you to...
satha - No, Erik isn't very good at picking up hints. But you have to remember, he doesn't exactly have women hitting on him right and left, so he's not very experienced. Let me rephrase that. In HIS universe, he doesn't have women hitting on him right and left. glances at all the swooning Erik phangirls.
lilymuster - Well, I wouldn't suggest laughing your ass all the way off as you might not get it back. May I suggest duct tape?
elizabethaglen - I feel so guilty, I haven't written a new chapter in a while. Okay, so it was like, a day. I STILL FEEL GUILTY!
Deathtoallclovers - No, I suppose they don't know what we're missing. But we know what they're missing. But then, we're not missing it. I'll shut up now, because it's late and I stopped making sense hours ago.
Opera Cloak - Wow, I feel v. special now. You write some of the best humor fic I have EVER read. feels very shiney
No One Mourns The Wicked - Your wish is my command. updates
fireflyjunction - Oh yes, Erik was ever so thoughtful whilst purchasing gifts. I'm thinking he seriously has to go swimming in the lake in his speedos and give all his fangirls some wonderful mental images. Now, take note, I'm actually writing this before I've written the chapter itself, so it's quite likely it's in there already. As for more hysterical insanity, it's getting late, so we'll see what happens. More chopping of the ponytail? Or has that joke gotten old?
KatStarr - I am an odd child indeed. As for the merchandise, I have this T-shirt obsession. I'm not even kidding. I have a shirt for just about everything. It's sort of sad. And then my sister said she wanted one too, so I figured, alright, not like it's difficult. Might as well let everyone at least see and laugh at the weird stuff that winds up on the internet!
Dark Artemis - Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not god! I didn't try to kill anyone with laugher, honest! It just sort of happens.
Dee - Well, if I wrote Christine's Dairy, we'd finally be able to hear all those things she's muttering under her breath. Although I'm not so sure I want to know.
...for your lovely reviews!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.