The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.
February 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
The pirhana are officially all dead.
Wonder if perhaps I should buy more, or just move on to alligators.
Can you house train alligators?
How about Komodo dragons?
That would be the best guard dog...dragon...lizard...thing...ever.
Erik
February 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine has informed me of a holiday this month called "Valentine's Day"
Asked her what the point was.
She explained that it was a day where men showered their significant lady friends with chocolates and roses and romantic poetry.
Mentioned that waffles were an exceptional replacement for chocolates as well.
Erik
February 3rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Somewhere between plotting to kill Piangi and rehersing for my opera, I have to find time to procure Valentine's gift for Christine.
Employed Nadir's help.
Told me that I was overworking myself, and perhaps I should removing the whole killing-Piangi bit.
Told him it was far too fun an oppurtunity to pass up.
Besides, it's been months since I've killed anyone.
Carlotta survived the lake, remember?
Erik
February 5th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Thank god for the internet.
Ordered roses and chocolates for Christine.
Was saddened when I learned I actually had to write the poem myself.
And make the waffles.
Nadir keeps saying I need to get my priorities in line.
What? Killing Piangi shouldn't be near the top?
Erik
February 7th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Nadir has informed that killing Piangi shouldn't be high on my priority list.
Oh well, what does he know.
Am starting to work on the poem.
I'm thinking of something along the lines of "Roses are red, violets are blue."
Erik
February 8th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Showed Nadir the first line of my poem.
Pointed out that violets were not blue, but in fact, violet.
I suppose that makes sense.
But what the hell rhymes with violet?
Erik
February 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Asked Nadir for ideas of what to rhyme with violet.
He said toilet.
How delightfully 3rd grade.
Asked him where toilet would fit in a romantic poem.
Replied that it wasn't important, because at least it rhymed.
Erik
February 11th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have contacted a zoo that is going out of business.
Offered to adopt any animals with exceedingly sharp teeth.
Am expecting a lion, a tiger, a crocodile, and a llama sometime next week.
They claim that the llama is quite fierce.
Erik
February 14th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Happy Valentine's Day.
Christine came down for dinner.
Raoul showed up about halfway through whining about being snubbed.
Would not, however, attempt crossing the lake, as apparently he has not been informed that the pirhanas are, in fact, dead.
Will tell him as soon as the crocodile shows up.
Gave Christine some waffles, which she said she could no longer deny were absolutely amazing.
Perhaps I should send my success story to Cooking Light.
Erik
February 15th, 1882
Dear Diary,
The llama has arrived.
Not quite as fierce as was previously anticipated.
Doesn't seem to like the fop much though.
Enjoys chewing on his hair, much to Raoul's disgust.
Said it will take a whole bottle of shampoo to get the llama spit out.
Erik
February 17th, 1882
Dear Diary,
The kill Piangi plan has been finalized.
Not that there was ever any doubt that I was going to show up and Punjab him.
It was just more fun to sit for hours and making very detailed sketches of the plot.
Lion showed up today.
Put him in the torture chamber.
Erik
February 18th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Invited the fop to try out my newly installed "virtual reality game"
Eagerly agreed.
Told him it was called "African Safari"
Gave him a pair of glasses and tossed him in the torture chamber.
Erik
February 19th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Wonder if Raoul has noticed the lion he is running from is, in fact, real.
A little more than a week left until my opera.
Have been tying and retying a lasso specifically for the event.
Raoul screaming about how incredibly lifelike the lion is.
Stupid git.
Erik
February 22nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul finally realized the lion was real after it bit off a few of his toes.
Must ask him exactly how many are left so I can give him a cruel nickname.
Let him out of the torture chamber at Christine's urging.
He was visibly distraught, but I pointed out that at least now he could get discounts on pedicures.
Erik
February 24th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Had to waste a steak feeding the lion.
Apparently, 4 of Raoul's toes is not a sufficient meal.
Crocodile and tiger arrived this afternoon.
The crocodile is in the lake, and the tiger and the lion are chilling together.
Erik
February 25th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Told Raoul that the pirhanas were gone.
Was quite distraught when he found a crocodile as he attempted to cross.
Bit off a few of his fingers.
Told him we could always amputate his remaining toes and reattach them as fingers.
Tried to give me the finger, but couldn't as he has no remaining middle fingers.
Erik
February 27th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Got my costume for tomorrow's performance dry cleaned.
Would steal Piangi's, except that I expect it would smell quite awful.
Have stuck the lasso in the inside pocket.
Shall polish my mask extra nicely.
Oh wait... no one will see it...
Dammit.
Erik
February 28th, 1882
Dear Diary,
What a night.
Performance was a disaster.
Successfully punjabbed Piangi, but Christine ripped my mask off on stage.
Said she couldn't have waited until we got home.
Dragged her down to my lair, where Raoul came looking.
Stuck his head in a lasso, and told Christine I was going to kill him.
She didn't look all that concerned, but used it as an excuse to kiss me.
Not that I'm complaining about that or anything.
Raoul obviously hurt by the kiss.
Suspect Christine will tell him that I'm a much better kisser than he is.
Asked Christine later if she ever kissed Raoul, she replied no, she didn't kiss girls.
Let Christine escort Raoul home so that the crocodile would not eat him, and then came back to my place to play foosball and air hockey.
Expect the angry mob will come knocking soon.
Don't know why they cared about Piangi... big tub of annoying lard... plus, he liked Carlotta, so he obviously wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
Erik
Thank you to...
Baffled Seraph - Well then, I do believe you win the award for longest reviews! I show up at my review page and I'm just looking at it and my face is like OO. So more power to you for that. I was going to point out the "four" thing, but then you did, so alright. I wanted to see the milkshake come out your nose! It makes me feel shiney when people say they like the entries that I myself was proud of.
Christine - Christine's Diary? Well, I have to write this update (I'm weird, I respond to the reviews before I write the next chappie, I just post them at the bottom because then people who don't care can just skip to the next chapter.) and two others... glances at clock I HAVE TIME! fingers flying frantically across keyboard. I think anyone who reads this story in public is deemed insane by their peers.
fireflyjunction - Well, you asked for fire, so points at above chapter there you go. The ponytail Erik chopped half off is the false one he gave him for Christmas. See, when you said he should set something of the fop's on fire, I immediately thought underwear. But then I got a horrible mental image of Raoul in a thong.
Nota Lone - I feel guilty because there was no update yesterday (for this story, anyway) so, I SHALL WRITE LIKE ZE WIND! Whoa, why are we talking like Madame Giry? And why is she the only one who ever has a French accent even though they're all in France? cue twilight zone music
Maggie - Yea, Siamese Fighting Fish of Doom. They're not very scary, especially when you've only got one, I learned. It didn't really move very much. I don't know how long it was dead before I actually realized it. I do try to write things that people won't expect, because even if it makes no sense at all, hey, it'll be funny!
Son Ange - Haha, hurrah for the T-shirts. I hoped I wasn't totally dumb for thinking other people might actually like them. I'm still waiting (rather impatiently) for my "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles" shirt. As for Erik taking out your tonsils, I hardly think he's a trained medical professional, although he's quite capable of everything else so I suppose it's not all that far fetched, is it?
satha - I actually have seen a Raoul with a mullet, and it was... interesting, to say the least. I'm thinking that maybe Erik should eventually just shave his entire head and tattoo nasty words on his bald scalp.
ElizabethArduena - Isn't a good laugh always great?
Dark Artemis - Although not classic in the classic sense of the word, I'm sure. For some reason I don't think the chapter should go hang with Tom Sawyer.
No One Mourns The Wicked - Let me tell you, I really wanted to put the whole "batcave" line on a shirt as well, but seeing as that's copyrighted material, I can't. Too bad, it would have been hilarious. I'll just run around school shouting it. I'm not sure whether it's an improvement of "It Hops! And it hops jolly high!"
Deathtoallclovers - Haha, I don't know exactly what time my brain shuts off, I just know that if it's past 1 am, I'm very dirty minded, and I can't spell to save my life. Wait... that sounds rather like all the time... uh-oh...
...for your lovely reviews!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.