The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.
March 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Damn mobs, coming in a trashing the lair.
Waving their bloody torches all over.
The ones who were dumb enough to get in the water were eaten by the crocodile. Which is good, because he hasn't had anything to eat in a while.
The lion and tiger, however, will have to go hungry, because no stupid mob people were dumb enough to fall into the torture chamber, and I didn't feel like coming out of the hot tub to give them a slight push.
What?
Where did you think I had been hiding?
Where else would I go without my mask?
Erik
March 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Damned Giry child has stolen my mask.
Am not sure I want to ask for it back, because Meg tends to carry on with screeching and screaming "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! HE'S HERE! IT'S HIM!" over and over again quite redundantly for hours at a time.
It tires me so.
Erik
March 3rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine says the mob thinks I'm dead.
Told her that they had better give me a nice funeral.
She said they were having a lovely party instead.
I suppose that's close enough.
Was quite upset when Christine pointed out that I can't actually go to the party, as I am "dead".
Erik
March 6th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Alright, now the parties are getting a BIT out of hand.
Would bang on the ceiling with my broom, but am quite sure there would not be many people hanging around in the fourth cellar to hear it.
Have they even sung my requiem?
Damn bastards.
Erik
March 7th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine came down to visit, claiming she was quite sick of the parties.
Also claimed that she had played one too many games of "Pin the Mask on the Opera Ghost"
She then proceeded to request some waffles.
Damn, that woman does not waste time when she wants something.
Erik
March 9th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Lake absolutely FULL of bones.
They've all piled up in one corner, and the crocodile has taken to sleeping on them.
Really quite a less than desirable decoration.
Perhaps I should ask the fop to dismantle them?
But that would only create MORE bones...
Erik
March 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Never try to dismantle a crocodile's "nest".
No matter how ugly it is.
I tried, but came very close to getting some appendages chomped off.
Pile of bones was bigger than originally anticipated.
How many people did the damned thing EAT?
Erik
March 12th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Procured a newspaper.
Said that at least 14 people have been lost in the past 2 weeks in the fifth cellar of the opera house.
Well oops.
I suppose I should do something about the crocodile?
Erik
March 13th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Tried to put a leash on the crocodile, but gave up after he tried to eat my hand.
It was the left one too!
That would have been awful!
Think of it, how can a musician possibly play with only one hand?
I'd be reduced to playing endless repititions of "Chopsticks".
Erik
March 14th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Told the fop that the animals were gone.
He believed me, and was assaulted by a less-than-pleasant llama.
I hadn't fed him in a few days.
The llama ate his shirt, and enough of his pants to reveal some very frightening underwear...
Pink... with ponies...
Not that I was looking, of course.
Erik
March 16th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine has informed me that she is quite familiar with Raouls choice of underwear...
And bedsheets apparently...
Am quite disturbed as to where she retrieved such information...
Erik
March 20th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Checked the torture chamber today to find that my lion only has three legs.
I suppose I should feed the lion and tiger more often.
I'll make the lion a prosthetic leg tomorrow.
Then he can be a super robot lion of doom.
Erik
March 21st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Invited the fop over to play my new video game.
"Robo-African Safari"
He asked if it was anything like African Safari.
I said of course not, because this was Robo-African Safari.
He nodded, and hopped into the torture chamber.
I love abusing stupid people.
Erik
March 23rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
I do believe the fop has gone insane.
He has been swinging from a high branch of the tree in the torture chamber for some hours now singing some children's song over and over again.
I suppose I should let him out before the fifth celler has racked up a fifteenth death.
Although it is quite amusing to watch.
Erik
March 25th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Alright, children's song has become far more than simply annoying.
Restrained self, though had an enormous urge to punjab the fop, as the song is apparently "The song that never ends"
And his voice is not one of the best I've ever heard either.
Am going down to release him.
Erik
March 26th, 1882
Dear Diary,
The fop has been freed and is running around maniacally.
I think I should restrain him until he is sane again.
Otherwise the crocodile is going to have a very nice meal.
Shall tie him to a chair until he calms down.
Erik
March 27th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine came to laugh at Raoul.
He does look rather stupid tied to a chair, which he began to rock back and forth until he fell flat on his face.
I was going to set him right side up again, but Christine said not to, as he looks funnier that way.
Perhaps he shall suffocate!
Erik
March 28th, 1882
Dear Diary,
I think Raoul is sane enough to inflict upon the human race once more.
He's no more insane than before he played Robo-African Safari.
But his sanity before that was questionable anyway, so who knows?
Am sick of him hanging around on my chair though, so he needs to leave.
Erik
March 31st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I retrieved my good mask from the Giry child.
Used earplugs.
Was very smart of me, I think.
She screamed for about an hour and a half before finally handing over the damn mask.
Now, Meg, was that so hard?
Honestly...
Erik
Thank you to...
No One Mourns The Wicked - I think Raoul has some explaining to do, and this time it goes beyond cherry lip gloss!
EriksAngel1870 - I honestly don't know how it winds up being random. I just write whatever weird things pop into my head. Maybe Erik will figure things out with Christine... eventually...
Son Ange - Yea, that sizing chart gave me an ego boost though, because I would need a bigger size than I usually wear. I hate being small. And come on, we all know Christine was just escorting Raoul across the lake to save him from the crocodile. She was obviously going back to Erik after that. I mean, psssht, come on!
obsession is love - I'm sensing a common love of the "she replied no, she didn't kiss girls" line. I was thinking that the whole shirt thing was gonna be a flop but it turns out there are people as crazy as me who actually want them. I've sold some already! HURRAH FOR THE CRAZIES!
devilofhumor - Hurrah for getting weird stares and falling off chairs. I think Christine is the only woman in the world who has to think twice about going to play air hockey with Erik.
satha - I saw a tube of cherry lip gloss on my sister's dresser the other day and I just started laughing SO hard. I asked her to hide it so I don't have to look at it.
Dee - Yea, I didn't actually have an ending intended, especially not the one in the musical or the book, so Erik gets to keep hanging out down in his basement. Perhaps we should make some fangirls show up. Any volunteers?
Baffled Seraph - I think if there is one animal that everybody loves it has got to be llamas. I think I need two disclaimers on this story: "Caution, may cause you to fall out of chair" and "Caution, reader discretion is advised concerning the intake of liquid nourishment while reading." That way no milkshakes on the keyboard.
Faust - Yea, I'm rather a Raoul-basher, but then, that's okay, because he sucks. Ha, that's a good idea for a shirt. I'm laughing thinking of all the poor people who don't know what a fop is. (All the people who woud read the shirt, basically)
Nota Lone - Camels and Emus are some of those freaky cool animals that hang with the llama. Suddenly I have a mental image of Raoul getting an eye pecked out by an Emu... I wonder what Carlotta was for Halloween... I also wonder what she would say in her diary... Hmmm...
random gal - takes a bow Thank you kindly!
Melissa Amnita - Hurrah for hair-chewing llamas. That should be a shirt. "Quiet, or I'll sic my hair-chewing llama on you". It could work for the other animals too. "Quiet, or I'll sic my toe-chomping crocodile on you". I have too much fun thinking up these things. Hurrah for you if you get a shirt, because then we could walk around like freaky twins with the SAME SHIRT... except, like... tons of miles away... yea...
Deathtoallclovers - Maybe I am your evil clone. MAYBE I STOLE YOUR BRAIN! cue dramatic chord See, this chapter was written at 10 am, so I'm hoping the perversity levels were down at least a little bit. looks back up at chapter Alright, so probably not.
The Vengeance - What can I say, I have a waffle addiction. Poopnugget should come and bite Raoul or something.
llama-child - Everyone loves llamas! Hurrah! Although I don't think Raoul would be too happy if they were ruling the world, as they don't seem to like him all that much.
...for your lovely reviews!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.