The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.
April 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
I've just been informed of a delightful new holiday.
April Fool's Day!
Spending most of your life running around the globe or hiding away in a basement doesn't really give one time to delight in such simple pleasures as holidays.
Nevertheless, I find it very easy to get into the holiday spirit.
Placed multiple toads in Carlotta's wig.
Was not very funny until she sang a very high note and they all proceeded to hop out.
I stole the fop's cherry lip gloss and filled it with food dye, so now his lips will be blue for a bit.
Let's see if our dear Christine shall want to kiss him now!
Christine assured me she never wanted to in the first place.
Erik
April 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
No one seemed to like my delightful little pranks.
Carlotta sent me an angry note concerning some toads, and the fop has been pitifully crying in his bathroom, scrubbing his lips.
Perhaps I should replace his soap with vinegar...
Nadir said that the holiday was over, and that I should do no such thing.
Nadir is such a stupid little fart.
Erik
April 4th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have replaced the fop's soap with vinegar, against Nadir's urging.
He was screaming in pain earlier this morning.
Moohaha.
Erik
April 5th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Fop still hasn't figured out the vinegar thing.
Continues washing lips and face with it.
Would think he would notice the taste.
And the smell.
I feel so deliciously evil.
Erik
April 7th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine asked why the fop smells like a freshly dyed egg at easter.
Told her about the vinegar.
Explained that he thought it was soap.
Christine pointed out that if I put it in his shampoo, it would get in his eyes.
Retorted that when I'm through with him, he'll have little need for shampoo.
Erik
April 8th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Evil plot to remove all of the fop's hair is developing nicely.
Will shave it in the middle of the night.
Later, will have to tattoo crude words on his scalp.
Am thinking "Fops Suck, O.G. pwns j00!"
Shall run that by Nadir at a later date.
Preferably after I've already done it.
Erik
April 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Evil shave-n-tattoo plot an absolute success.
Have removed all mirrors in the fops home so that he will be forced to go out in public before realizing how utterly rediculous he looks with "O.G. pwnz j00!" tattooed on his scalp.
I rather like it.
Pointed out my fine artistry to Christine and Nadir.
Nadir said it sucked.
Told him that he could be next.
He promptly shut up.
Erik
April 12th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Ah, the tears of a fop.
And the agonizing shrieks.
For some reason, he automatically suspects me.
Why is it that whenever something goes wrong everyone blames me?
I mean, just because I usually did it... that doesn't mean anything.
INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, DAMMIT!
Erik
April 13th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Hysterical occurance today.
Fop was jumped by a motorcycle gang.
They said he was an utter mockery.
Demanded that he stop being such a poser.
Fop ran home crying.
Erik
April 15th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have decided that perhaps I should start a new opera.
Don Juan Triumphant didn't work out so good.
Perhaps something about sobbing fops and missing ponytails?
And then I can come in and rescue his poor lover who does not, in fact, love him at all.
Will have to discuss this plot with Christine.
Erik
April 16th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Haven't made any waffles in a while.
Agreed to try to teach Christine, but she set them on fire.
Christine tells me the fop is trying to win her back with pancakes.
Silly fop.
Erik Waffle pwnz teh Fop-cakes.
Erik
April 17th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine has demanded that I stop speaking like an internet geek.
Told her that internet geeks pwnd her.
She was not amused.
Agreed to stop.
What's wrong with internet geeks anyway?
Erik
April 20th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine started whining about how I am so evil.
Pointed out that I'm not evil to everyone, mostly just the fop.
She said I'm still mean.
Have decided to go out into the world and do some community service.
Erik
April 21st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have begun my community service program.
Free punjab lessons for the masses!
Class One: How to choose your punjab material
Class Two: How to tie your punjab lasso
Class Three: How to choose your victim
Class Four: How to successfully dispose of said victim, quickly and quietly
Class Five: How to get rid of unwanted corpses
Clever, no?
Erik
April 23rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Nadir found out about the punjabbing class.
Said I should teach such things to innocent, uncorrupt people.
Pointed out that there were very few people in the world who were not corrupt.
He said that I should try to believe that there is some innocence left in the human race.
Pah...
Erik
April 24th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have gone on with punjabbing class, much to Nadir's dismay.
How could I disappoint the people who already signed up?
I'm not joking!
I have 4 students already.
Amazing how many people are unaware of the art of the punjab lasso.
Erik
April 26th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Alright, perhaps punjabbing class not a good idea.
Am now down to 3 students.
It was not my fault.
I swear.
Erik
April 27th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine not overly impressed by community service attempts.
Told her I had good intentions.
Said she doubted it, and I was only using it to use the fop for educational purposes.
Did not believe that was not my intent.
Well it sort of was.
But shhh...
Erik
April 29th, 1882
Dear Diary,
I really need to get central air installed in the lair.
It's been getting annoyingly hot.
And I can no longer swim in the lake for fear of a now quite large crocodile.
Death toll of the fifth cellar growing slightly.
Stagehands really should keep to the upper cellars.
Erik
April 30th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have a very big problem.
Well, I suppose it's technically about 12 small problems.
Apparently there is another crocodile somewhere in Paris.
And apparently said other crocodile managed to work its way down to the fifth cellar of the opera house and find my crocodile before it mysteriously vanished.
However, there are now about a dozen little crocodiles.
Not good.
Erik
Thank you to...
Nota Lone - Hurrah for a day brightened by fic updates. All of you people who read constantly have prompted me to create a new shirt design - Phic Addict! Anywho, I do believe a knife-weilding squirrel would be enough to kill the poor fop. Wait... did I just say POOR fop? Somebody, slap me! Quick! I'm going insane!
Hriviel - That's the point, silly, to scare everyone around you! They can't possibly understand until they've read them. I tried to give my friend a brief summary the other day, but I hardly think she appreciated my ramblings about blueberry waffles and foosball. I just gave her the URL and told her you can't get it until you've read it.
Son Ange - Christine just pitied the 6-toed 5-fingers 1.5-eared fop. Which is what he's become due to various insane encounters with Erik's little animals friends. Yes, I've noticed that is annoyingly slow... it takes it 2 days to process the orders sometimes. Well, I hope it comes soon so you can return it and get the proper size.
satha - Cherry lip gloss withdrawl? But he's just as insane WITH the lip gloss! Whatever are we to do about that?
Baffled Seraph - Hurrah for the Irish! I'm Irish too, I don't know exactly how much, but part. LOL. Don't forget about the liquid lesson! My computer growls at me already (I'm SO not kidding) so if I drip any liquid on it, it might just come to life and bite me.
obsession is love - I don't know, but I really wish that supposed "genius" would hold true outside the realm of humor phic writing, because I'm not quite so "genius" at Physics and Pre-Calc. But then, since when are those silly things important anyway?
devilofhumor - I'm writing! I'm writing! Well what kind of underwear were you expecting the fop to wear?
LonelyBlueCat - Russian? OMG that would be so cool. Permission granted! It'd probably be a little cooler if I could actually read Russian, huh? runs off to the local library to learn Russian You have fun translating that. LOL.
ForensicPhotographer711 - Yes, I figured Erik must have something to guard his lair. I imagined it rather like his apartment full of animals in Persia... except more vicious... with pointy teeth... and in the case of the lion, prosthetic limbs.
Melissa Amnita - That is actually a hilarious shirt idea. I'll be sure to leave you a little note when I get around to putting it up! Ah, no need to leave a note, I've done it already. I fear my artistic skills are less than adequate as far as ponytails are concerned, so if anyone would like to email me a better one, it would be appreciated!
...for your lovely reviews!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.