Oh wow, so many lovely reviews, you guys are spoiling me!;) No, seriously, I am very happy that you still like the story and your kind feedback is much appreciated! In fact, I'm starting to feel a bit like Anakin here ("I want more and I know I shouldn't!", or something along those line... LOL). Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you enjoy!
HERE WITH ME -- Chapter 3: Obi-Wan
I woke up to the unfamiliar sensation of having a warm body nestled to my chest. Though I wasn't exactly a stranger to sleeping close to others; I remembered countless occasions in which Anakin and I had had to sleep in places that had been even narrower than the bed I shared with Padmé. This was different. No matter how much Anakin's body had been pressed into mine sometimes, he'd never snuggled up to me like that. Well, almost never.
In the very early years of his apprenticeship he'd been a bit cuddly at times, lacking the loving physical contact he had with his mother. I had tried to satisfy his childlike needs by offering an affectionate hug or an extra-dedicated pat whenever I felt that it was necessary. At the same time, I had tried to gradually reduce said needs, because I wanted him to focus on his studies and training alone. Anakin had always had a very strong longing for affection, and though things like sympathy and caring for other beings were familiar to every Jedi and were rather encouraged than forbidden, it was well known that longing and want were dangerous feelings. I tried to teach him how to control his passionate and often petulant temper, but it wasn't an easy task, especially because Anakin wasn't always a willing student.
In hindsight, I figured that with my attempts to maturate him as quickly as possible, I didn't succeed in making him overcome his base emotions, but rather added to them. Often, I hadn't been sure how to treat him. I didn't want to be too soft with him and let him get away with undermining my authority, but I didn't want to be a cold mentor, either. It had been so hard to find the right balance. I had been very young then, and inexperienced with matters concerning the handling of children in general and padawans in particular.
Maybe I had been too severe and demanding out of insecurity or ignorance or fear of failure. Maybe I hadn't been loving enough. Or, I corrected myself, perhaps I had been very loving, but made the big mistake of not openly showing him and letting him know just how deeply I felt about our relationship and camaraderie. And when I finally picked up the courage to tell Anakin how much he meant to me, and that I loved him like a brother, it had been far too late. I wondered whether the fate of us all would have gone a different path if I had been a more capable master and a better friend. I knew that it was futile to get lost in depressing thoughts about the past, but I couldn't help it.
But again, it was the past. It could not be changed. I had to focus on the present and the future, which included the challenge of living with a young woman who didn't follow the way of the Jedi. A young woman who quite obviously was in need of some physical contact right now, similar to the little boy that had burst into my life almost fifteen years ago, turning everything upside down. I wanted to try and give to her what I had failed to give to Anakin. The fact that Padmé and I were good and trusted friends of many years helped me to overcome the etiquette barriers that were still lingering between us, even after last night's revelations. I forced myself to stay still and let her rest in my arms, gently holding her close to me. It felt better than I wanted to admit to myself.
"Hello," I said to her, my calm voice giving away that I was still a little sleepy. She lay with her back to my chest but I could tell from her breathing pace and rhythm that she was awake. I felt her body going a bit tense, as if she was expecting me to push her away from me any moment, but she quickly relaxed again when I didn't.
"Good morning," she said, even though my sense of time told me that it was about noon already. We lay in comfortable silence and harmony for a few more moments, breathing exactly in time with one another.
"Are you feeling better?" she carefully asked a few minutes later.
"Yes, thank you," I replied. In order to brush aside some strands of my hair that had fallen into my eyes, I lifted the arm I had been embracing her petite form with. Released from my embrace, Padmé sat up and turned her head to look down at me. She thoroughly explored my face with her eyes, probably searching for affirmation of my words. She wanted to be completely sure that I was okay.
"Alright," she then said and pushed her thick blankets aside. "Why don't you just stay in bed a little longer and relax while I prepare our breakfast?"she suggested. I hesitated for a second, but agreed. I didn't really like to sleep in, but she didn't know that of course. She sounded motivated and I didn't want to destroy her newly regained verve by ruining her plans to serve me breakfast, which obviously meant a lot to her. It was easy to sense how important it was to her to do something for me, after everything I had done for her.
I wanted to sit up and make some space for her to get out of bed; I always slept at the outer edge of our bed, and Padmé was sort of trapped between the wall and myself. But she was faster and swiftly climbed right over my body before I even had the chance to move.
"Excuse me," she said as she straddled me for a split second, just before she slid off of me to stand on the floor right next to the bed. "Tea?"
"Yes please." I watched her walk to the curtain and vanish behind it. Her strides weren't shaky and weak anymore, but graceful and steady. She really was on the road to recovery.
From that night on, after she had seen the more vulnerable side of me that not many people knew of, our friendship deepened noticeably. She now knew that I, too, needed comfort, and she was happy to supply it. Since we now slept so close to one another that our bodies actually touched, we quickly got used to physical contact with one another and weren't so hesitant and careful about it anymore. Often, Padmé would step behind me when I sat at the table, and put her small hands on my shoulders, kneading softly and asking how I was. Sometimes I gave her a goodnight hug before she went to sleep. And every now and then she pecked me on my cheek when she stood in my embrace.
Weeks passed, and our life in exile proceeded quietly and harmonically. We cleaned the house together, prepared our food together, ate our meals together, slept in the same bed... It was only when I engaged in my daily meditations that we were separated. We either spent those times on the opposite sides of the curtain that split the room into two halfes, or sometimes, I meditated outdoors while she stayed in the house and worked on her plans for a sheltered garden.
Padmé wanted to purchase some more moisture vaporators, in addition to the few we already possessed. She had pointed out that we were, after all, living in a house that once had been built by a moisture farmer, so there had to be more than just the average water vapor in the parched air. She didn't want to obtain water to sell at the markets like the common moisture farmers. She wanted to create sufficient water supplies for crops she planned to grow for us. I knew it was going to be a hard piece of work. We would have to expand and reconstruct the underground basement of our house to make enough room for Padmé's agricultural endeavours and install a whole new irrigation system, and we couldn't even be sure if it really would work out in the end. But I saw the advantages and agreed with her that it was worth a try. Besides, it did Padmé good to make herself useful and take on a challenge.
"How many vaporators do you think you'll need for the irrigation of the garden?" I asked her one evening during dinner.
"I'm not really sure. Maybe four. Or three. How much do they cost?" She looked at me questioningly, obviously fearing that she was asking for too much. Vaporators were pretty expensive because on a desert planet like Tatooine, water was of course one of the most precious goods to produce, sell and possess. I knew that I would have to pay about 500 credits per device, but that was not a problem.
"That's not what I meant," I said. "We're slowly running out of supplies, you know. We need to stock up food, water, and also some other stuff like spareparts. It's not like we have ten extra window shutters stored in the basement, and who knows when the next sandstorm will blow one off and away again. Well, I'm just trying to figure out if it will be possible to transport all new supplies and the vaporators in one ride. I don't really want to travel back and forth twice in just one week. Mos Eisley isn't exactly around the corner, let alone a place I'd like to spend my time in if I don't really have to."
Padmé's eyes lit up as I started to talk about having to visit Mos Eisley. "When are we going?" she asked. She tried to cover up her obvious excitement but failed terribly.
"Padmé, you don't understand what I'm saying. We won't go anywhere. I will go to Mos Eisley, and I'm not planning to take you with me," I told her bluntly.
"What?" She stared at me, totally perplexed. "But why? I want to come with you. I can help you carry everything, keep you some company on the journey, and..."
"What if somebody recognizes you?" I interjected matter-of-factly. "Mos Eisley is a great spaceport, crowded with transients from all over the galaxy, and I daresay that most of them are, in some way or the other, criminals. Selling information on the whereabouts of a certain Senator everybody believes is dead is quick and easy money. We can't take the risk."
"And what if somebody recognizes you ?" she pointed out. "I'm not the only one whose face and name are well known, and who's considered an enemy of the new empire. If anyone blabs out where to find fugitive General Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Sith will come after you and then find me as well. What's the difference?"
"Nobody will recognize me because I won't attract any attention."
"I won't, either."
"First off, petite and beautiful women always attract attention when they walk between mobs of intergalactic scum. And secondly, I could at any time use the Force to make people overlook me in a ticklish situation. You can't. It's too dangerous."
"Are you seriously saying that I will have to stay in this hovel for the rest of my life and can't even go to the city for a few hours? That's not really a pleasant prospect," she said grimly.
"I know, but it's necessary." I looked down to my plate, collecting some spiced rice with my fork. For me, the discussion was finished and I wanted to proceed with dinner, but Padmé didn't seem to agree.
"I would rather lead a somewhat enjoyable life and risk that the Sith will eventually find and kill me, than slowly die from boredom because I am confined to a ramshackle hut in the middle of nowhere with no other place to go!" she said, her agitated voice gradually rising in volume as she spoke.
I put my fork down with an audible clink, failing to hide that my patience was starting to run thin. There was reprehension in my gaze as I stared hard at her, and I could see in her eyes that it made her angry.
"This is not about you, Padmé! What do you think will happen to Luke and Leia if the Sith ever find out that you didn't die in childbirth but are actually very alive on Tatooine?" I asked sharply, not waiting for her to answer. "They will come to the conclusion that your babies are alive too, and they will hunt them down and kill them. Is that what you want? Risk the lives of your own children and destroy the only hope we have left, just for something so trivial like a few hours of entertaining distraction at a busy spaceport?" My words came out harsher than I intended, but I couldn't help it. Though it sounded heartless, this really wasn't about Padmé or me. The most important thing was that Luke's and Leia's true identity would never be uncovered. That was all that mattered in the end. We had to make every possible and every necessary sacrifice to make sure both children would grow up safe.
"Of course not," she said, her voice suddenly small. She sounded defeated. I watched Padmé's shoulders slump as she forced herself to calmly take her fork. When I saw her picking at her food half-heartedly, I instantly regretted that I had been so rough to her and reached over the table to gently put my hand on her bare forearm.
"I'm sorry, Padmé. It's not as if I wouldn't want you with me on that trip, believe me," I said softly, offering truce. She accepted by looking up at me and giving me a tiny and sad smile.
"I know, Obi-Wan. There's no need to apologize. You are right, there's too much at risk. I'll make a list of everything I'd like you to get for me in Mos Eisley, alright?"
"Alright," I agreed with a nod, pulling my hand back. "That's a good idea."
For the rest of the evening, we didn't talk about it anymore.
I set out for my trip to Mos Eisley two days later.
Padmé's list of things to get wasn't very long, but it took me more time than expected to find and buy all of the items she wanted. Also, I spent quite a few hours on just gathering information on any recent developments regarding the Empire and the horrid goings of Darth Vader. I had to avoid several patroling clone troopers, either by manipulating them with Jedi mind tricks or by vanishing into busy side roads in due time. It slowed me down greatly. When I was finally done with my business, the dusk that marked the beginning of the night was already beginning to show. On my way back I decided to spend the rest of the night in Bespine township and set out again the next day before the break of dawn. I would come hours later than I had predicted, but I was sure that Padmé was going to be all right. She wasn't a woman who panicked easily. She would probably figure that something unforeseen had kept me, and that I would return safely after a short delay.
Unfortunately, the short delay developed into a rather long delay when a violent sandstorm thwarted me soon after I had left Bespine. The locals of the city had warned me about it, suggesting that it would make a lot of sense to stay in the shielded town for two or three more days until the storm would die down, but I had been positive that I could make it to Padmé's and my house before the weather conditions would become insuperable. I didn't like the idea of leaving Padmé alone in a small hut in the middle of a raging sandstorm. I had to try to get to her before nature would confront me with an obstacle that I couldn't overcome, but my well-meant attempt to defeat the rising storm soon proved to be a futile action.
It wasn't just a common storm. It was an impressing, overwhelming force of nature, taking control of the wasteland with a strength I had rarely witnessed in the many deserts I'd been to. As violent blasts of hot wind made it more and more difficult to navigate my glider, I realized that I had to seek cover if I didn't want it to fall apart around me. Quickly, I swerved from my planned route and made a sharp turn to the left, taking refuge in Bildor's Canyon. By the time that I had located a little cave that promised much needed shelter, the storm was hurling the glider around as if it had neither a pilot nor working engines. I concentrated hard and tried to countersteer, but to no avail. I carried too much cargo and it was difficult to balance the glider's huge amount of weight that suddenly swung to the right, pushed by powerful wind gusts. I felt the vehicle spin out of control as another mighty blast shook it and almost made it topple over. Sensing that I couldn't escape the inevitable, I used my piloting skills as well as the Force to anticipate and soften the impact as the glider was sent crashing into the rough steeps of the canyon.
In the mishap, I bruised my ribs and suffered a cut on my forehead, but it was nothing serious. In no time, I was out of the broken glider and in the middle of the storm that almost tore me off the ground and up into the air. I pulled my hood up and jerked my robes tighter, covering my mouth and my nose to keep as much sand at bay as possible, then grabbed two canisters of water from the glider's loading space and headed for the nearby cave. I had to fight my way through the storm with closed eyes and I almost couldn't breathe because the air was so thick with fine, twirling sand, but with the help of the Force I eventually reached the small cave which proved to be a well enough shelter.
I had to stay in there for almost two days and two nights, waiting for the raging storm to wear off. I didn't sleep at all. Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to miss the moment which would allow me to crawl out of my provisional refuge. All I could think of was Padmé, and that I had broken my promise to be back with her in only a short time. As I sat there in the cave, only moving when I took an occasional and necessary sip of water, I wondered what and how she was doing during the storm. I knew I should be meditating in emergency situations like these, to focus on the task at hand and to gather my mental and physical strength, but everything that was on my mind revolved around my concern for the woman I had promised to protect. What if the window shutters or even the door had been blown off again? What if the power supply units had been damaged? And what if Padmé, in her brave and fearless but sometimes also reckless nature, had gone to search for me when I didn't return from my trip? I didn't dare think about it. I knew that the current situation wasn't my fault, yet it weighed me down that I wasn't by her side right now, and that I didn't know if she was okay.
I left the cave as soon as the weather conditions weren't a threat to a Jedi Master's life anymore, which meant that the storm was still ravaging the wastelands, but with a brutality I could handle if I was on my guard. I went through the things in the wrecked glider, quickly making a reasonable selection of what to take with me. Most of the things I had to leave behind. If we were lucky, they would still be here when the storm was gone again and I could come back to fetch the rest.
Travelling over sand dunes by foot in the blistering midday heat wasn't very effective, and dragging myself through a great storm that obscured my view and lashed sand into my face with sharp, endless gusts was, frankly speaking, back-breaking work. The sand was actually shifting underneath my feet as I was walking. I had the feeling that the dunes were moving faster than I did, and just when I thought that I would never reach the blasted house I caught a glimpse of it through the blur of whirling sand and blinding sun. In spite of my exhaustion I picked up pace and soon reached the door of our modest home. The door hadn't been blown away, but there was so much sand piled up in front of and against it that I had to shovel a way with my bare hands. When I finally could open it, the wind almost ripped it out of my hands. I somehow hurled the stuff I had carried with me into the house without letting go of the shaking and rattling door, then stepped inside myself, yanking the door shut behind me. The sudden calmness was almost a shock to my ears that during the recent days and nights had been under constant attack of the deafening whistling noises of the storm.
"Padmé?" I asked loudly as I hastily pushed back my hood, creating a great cloud of fine, swirling sand and dust all around me. She appeared from behind the curtain, looking downright devastated. My conscience was nagging at me even more as I took in the heart-breaking expression on her totally pale face. I felt so bad for not having returned to her by the specific point in time we had agreed on before my departure.
"Thank goodness, Obi-Wan, you're back! I thought... I thought..." she stammered as she rushed towards me, flying right into my arms. She was shaking as she pressed against me, clinging to my dirty, sand covered robes as if she never wanted to let go again. Her intense agitation took me by surprise.
"It's alright, I'm here now," I hushed her softly, holding her trembling body close to me. "I won't leave you again."
"You had better not!" she exclaimed furiously, slapping me into my chest as she glared up at me with tears in her dark eyes. I could see anger and fear in her eyes, but also great relief and something else; a burning emotion I didn't dare name. I'd never seen it in her eyes before, and it unsettled me.
She then took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. She lowered her head to my dusty shoulder and I couldn't help leaning my cheek against the top of her head, into the silky softness of her full hair. I was so tired.
Padmé's hands still clung to me with much strength, almost violently, and she still trembled like a leaf. But her voice was soft when she whispered: "I was so afraid that something terrible happened to you. I couldn't stand loosing you, Obi-Wan. There's nothing left in my life that matters to me anymore except you."
t.b.c.