The Diary Of An Erik
-------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: No, I haven't died or anything. I'm so sorry about the lack of updates, I've just had so much to do. Now, if I can offer you all a bit of a bribe: I've been nominated for an award at the following website: http / www . freewebs . com / phanphicawards / Voting isn't open yet, but I'll let you all know when it is, and you have to go vote for me! I'll give you some of Erik's waffles... Later in this chapter, Erik goes to see John perform. I KNOW that John isn't performing Phantom anymore, but he's one of the best people I've ever seen/heard perform phantom, and this is MY phic, so the London phantom is JOHN. Hehehe... I'll shaddup now.
-------------------------------------
June 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine took my awesome sunglasses.
I am very sad.
Will have to find new item of clothing with which to make a fashion statement.
-Erik
June 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have begun a countdown until my trip to London.
I have not been to London in a very long time.
Tend to spend my days in a smelly basement nowadays.
I really must get out more.
-Erik
June 3rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine has said that she doesn't want to come with me to the show in London.
I'm upset.
Told her it will be such fun.
Told her that we could find a nice restaurant as well.
She said that it wasn't that, she just didn't want to see some horrible little twit play her in the show.
Told her that at any rate, I should be more worried than she.
-Erik
June 4th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Damn Christine, now she has me worried.
What if this "John Owen-Jones" character is a terrible singer?
Or worse...
What if he's fat?
-Erik
June 5th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have begun frantically searching the internet for photographs of this "John" person.
Have to make sure he's not fat.
Or ugly.
Christine tells me that he's going to have prosthetic ugliness on, so it won't matter.
-Erik
June 6th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have successfully located desired photographs.
He's not fat, thank goodness.
I'm much better looking, even with a slight deformity, but then, I suppose that's the way the world works.
Christine told me to shut up when I told her this.
June 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine urging me to start up poker night again.
Told her that would be quite impossible, as Nadir refuses to play games with me any more, saying I'm a terrible cheater, and the fop is missing too many fingers to actually be able to hold the cards, so it would never work out.
She said I should get Raoul a robot hand so that he could play poker.
She must have been kidding, right?
-Erik
June 12th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine not kidding about robotic hand.
Asked sarcastically if Raoul was in need of any other body parts.
Christine pointed out that thanks to my various animals, yes, he was.
Well she didn't have to be so rude about it...
-Erik
June 14th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Less than a week left before my flight to London.
Have told Christine that if I agree to replace Raoul's hand, she must accompany me.
She said she really didn't care all that much about Raoul's hand, but she would go anyway.
I knew she wanted to go...
-Erik
June 15th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Can't wait for my trip!
I've never been on a plane before.
Should prove to be an interesting experience.
Have begun to pack my bags, as I am leaving in 2 days.
Hurrah for time for sight-seeing before the show!
-Erik
June 17th, 1882
Dear Diary,
I'm on the airplane.
And it was a good deal of hardship getting here.
Kept getting weird looks from everyone in the airport.
It's a mask people, deal with it.
Christine said that it might be the formal dress as well.
Told her I refuse to dress like a pitiful little commoner with my midriff hanging out or my pants falling halfway down my rear end exposing my undergarments.
At that, Christine struggled to tuck in her obviously too-small shirt.
Got stopped before boarding the plane, apparently they thought I was concealing some sort of weapon.
Which I was, but that is NOT the point.
They took my punjab lasso. I told them to take good care of it.
The stewardess here keeps smiling relentlessly. It's enough to make me sick. Perhaps it already has made the person in front of us ill, as he has been wretching for the past 10 minutes or so.
Christine has fallen asleep on my shoulder.
SCORE!
Will stop writing so that I do not risk awakening her.
-Erik
July 18th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Well, it was my first day in London today.
Interesting, to say the least.
Am continuously getting weird looks on the street.
Christine says it is because people think I am an imposter.
That's PREPOSTEROUS!
I miss my punjab lasso already...
-Erik
June 19th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is the show!
I'm a bit frightened.
I didn't go outside much today, I sent Christine to get us breakfast.
Came back with some terrible coffee and pastries.
Note to self: Never send Christine out for food.
Perhaps later I will venture out for some waffles...
-Erik
June 20th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Getting ready for the show.
Christine says I shouldn't dress like myself.
Asked her why not.
Replied that people will make fun of me.
Pointed out that it was probably not wise to show up without a mask.
She agreed.
-Erik
June 21st, 1882
Dear Diary,
WELL.
Well, indeed.
I really must have some sort of meeting with this "Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber".
Raoul just HOPS into the lake in my lair without being assaulted by pointy-toothed creatures?
And getting away with Christine?
How is that in the story?
This "John Owen-Jones" person is certainly talented.
Not as talented as me of course.
But then, no one is. I'm just THAT cool.
-Erik
June 23rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Returning to Paris tomorrow.
Time for another agonizing trip to the airport.
And I get to do it all over again to get to New York!
Oh goody!
Damn airplane people smiling so much and thinking I'm going to blow up the plane.
-Erik
June 25th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Home again at last.
Have decided that next time, should arrange for Nadir to feed the vicious creatures, as they are looking a bit thin and un-menacing.
Except for the ones in the torture chamber.
Those ones have been fed, seemingly by stupid stagehands who insist on falling in.
-Erik
June 26th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Took care of all my vicious animals.
Am poking fun at the vicomte.
He's jealous that I went to London with his girlfriend.
Haha.
And he's still missing fingers.
-Erik
June 29th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine reminded me that I have to make robotic hand.
Damn it.
Will make a really poorly made model.
Will make sure it rusts up on him.
-Erik
June 30th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Packing for trip to New York.
Am a little intimidated.
Will have to buy lots of maps so as not to get lost.
-Erik
-------------------------------------
Thank you to...
obsession is love - Nothing like some good old fashioned fop-bashing to cheer you up! Poor baby crocodiles!
Nota Lone - Yes, what was up with the hole "Whoops, I left my sword at some random spot in the opera house, let me leave my girlfriend with a deranged genius who is lusting after her while I go and get it"? Okay, so maybe that was my version, but admit it, I was close.
The Singing Fox Demon - Hooray for the Time Warp. That movie absolutely traumatized me!
Le Fantom De Le Opera - Glad I was able to amuse you. I don't really have any plans about an Erik/Christine romance. I'm not really very good at romance, plus, most romance fics lead inevitably to either a big sex scene or a dramatic death scene, and neither of which is really my "thing". I'm much better at humor.
angel of mystery - Yes, I agree, the fop is very stupid.
devilofhumor - Maybe you can buy one from Erik off eBay.
monroe-mary - Well, see, I'm torn between whether or not Erik should like the stage productions, because I am absolutely IN LOVE with Hugh Panaro and John Owen-Jones, but I really don't know what Erik would think of them.
satha - Well, we knew it was going to come eventually. He has to see the musical. Then maybe he can suffer through the 2004 movie.
ElizabethArduena - My Erik in this story isn't really based on any of them, although I suppose if I had to pick, he probably seems closer to Kay Erik than anything else. He's quite out of character, though.
Baffled Seraph - John Owen-Jones is AMAZING! He is definitely a most formidable rival to Michael Crawford for best phantom EVER. Michael Crawford, Hugh Panaro, and John Owen-Jones are my absolute favorite phantoms. Don't ask me to pick one favorite, because I don't think I could ever do it.
Lamia - Oh my, it seems that anyone who doesn't understand how funny phic is just thinks we're all insane people snorting milkshakes out our noses, falling off of chairs and having seizures!
Son Ange - Oh hurrah for getting your shirt::huggles you: Now we can be like freaky twins! My friend just got hers a few days ago and wore it to school. I keep telling everyone "Look, is she not wearing the best shirt ever?" and people are like "Will not be seduced by waffles? Huh? I don't get it." Well I suppose they're just not cool enough, huh?
Opera Cloak - Yay, you're review makes me feel all shiney. Mostly because you're an absolutely amazing humor author. Everyone bow down and worship/fangirl Opera Cloak for being amazing! I'm glad you approve!
Marianne Brandon - Everyone seems to be unable to wait for him to watch the stage show. I think I'll have to subject him to the torment of Gerry Butler. I've actually never seen the Lon Chaney film, unfortunately. As soon as I do, I'll make Erik watch it. I'm definitely surprised at how many people like and are buying the clothing! We're going to start a trend. The waffle trend. I hope you manage to get your hands on a shirt!
Baby-Vixen - Oh no! Not the Marshmallows! NOT THE MARSHMALLOWS! AHHH::gets trampled by killer marshmallows:
Szonja - Whoo! I rock! Yay! And of course Erik rocks. We all love Erik. Seriously, I think Christine had some weird mental disorder or something and that's why she left with Raoul.
piratingelvenpyro - An alternative to rope would also be duct tape. Although I'd make sure it didn't come in contact with any exposed skin. Ha, I'm glad this is a fic you can go back to and still laugh. Because everybody needs a laugh once in a while! As for the T-shirts, I've just recieved my own, and have been getting nothing but weird looks when I wear it. Mission Accomplished!
TheIncredibleOne - Glad you like! Always glad to see another person join the ranks of the insane who think that this is funny.
cleesa - Yep, the T-shirts are for real. Check out the site. Unfortunately, I can't make blueberry waffles unless they're coming out of a box and I just have to put them in the toaster!
cheshiresmile - I'm glad you like the style. I wrote it sort of like how I write in my own diary, because I usually am too lazy to write in full sentences, and obviously, Erik has better things to do that waste time writing in full sentences... like make us all WAFFLES!
Deathtoallclovers - Keeping your pervertism in is like trying to keep milk from squirting out your nose when you're laughing hysterically - It doesn't work, and it hurts to try!
MegGiry - You're welcome for the laughs, thank YOU for adding to the list of insane people walking the planet in weird shirts. There are quite a few of us our there now. We're going to rule the world!
Anrion - I love the Diaries of the Fellowship, and am very proud of myself that I could make you laugh more hysterically while reading these, because those diaries are probably some of the funniest pieces of fiction I have ever read.
1spirit from neopets - It is such a sad story, isn't it? Oh well, Erik will be able to have his fun... and his waffles.
laughing softly - Updating! Glad you like! I'm always self concious that my next chapter won't live up to the hype but all these reviews restore my confidence!
Phantoms Little Lotte - Oh of COURSE this isn't the end. We have to keep going. I adore Hugh Panaro as well, I had the pleasure of seeing him perform about a month ago, and he was absolutely phenomenal! I also had the pleasure of meeting him afterwards, and he's such a wonderful guy. Although afterwards my friend and I almost went swooning right down the stairs... anyway... HUGH ROCKS!
PyroAkuma - I wish I still had study halls where I could read fic. Because we all know that I would do that. Hurrah for reading fic in school!
GoldenLyre - Erik? Perfect? Well I always thought so too! Christine must have been on some new allergy medication or something.
Elven Kagome - Hurrah for more Hugh Panaro fans! Hugh is SO awesome. Strawberry ice cream is awesome too, but not quite as awesome as Hugh. Now, Hugh eating a bowl of strawberry ice cream, that's just amazing.
...for your lovely reviews! (And WOW were there a lot of them! And I mean A LOT!)
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.