The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: YOU GUYS! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR VOTES AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS! PLEASE CONTINUE TO VOTE FOR ME AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS IN THE COMEDY CATEGORY AT THIS WEBSITE: http/ www. freewebs. com / phanphicawards
(Take out the spaces. You all know the drill)
August 1st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Am writing on a candy bar wrapper that I have secured inside my diary with duct tape.
Duct tape is rather useful, I've learned.
When I go to the store to pick up the fop's hair dye, I will be sure to pick up some stationary.
The type with NO ponies on it.
And that isn't pink.
That's the only kind I can get from people around here.
Erik
August 2nd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Back from shopping.
Have a bottle of very hideous green hair dye.
I think he will look like an asparagus.
Or some other disgusting greenish vegetable.
Like artichokes.
I could use this oppurtunity for a really lame "choke" pun, but I'm not that pressed for jokes.
Yet.
Erik
August 3rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have procured blueprints of the fop's bedroom.
Will be sure to be VERY secretive about it, as I have heard terrible stories concerning the stupid fophead, a weapon and a poor defenseless kitten.
Oh yes, Erik the kitten...
Because obviously it's ever so difficult to distinguish myself from a kitten.
Honestly.
Erik
August 4th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Operation Dye The Fophead to commence in O... Um... something... hundred... hours...
Okay...
Well I tried...
Operation Dye The Fophead to commence at midnight!
That makes more sense does it not?
Erik
August 5th, 1882
Dear Diary,
ODTF (Operation Dye The Fophead... my hand is getting tired) went smoothly.
Have yet to see if it has had the desired effect, as the fop is still asleep.
But he sleeping with some moldy asparagus on his head.
It turns out that the dye has a particularly bad stench as well, which adds to the absolute hysteria of the situation.
Will await the screams of a tortured and asparagus-headed fop.
Erik
August 6th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Okay, the screaming is starting to get on my nerves.
He screamed from the second he looked into his mirror until...
Well, he hasn't stopped.
Well, that I know of anyway.
He was screaming when he left for the hairdresser, and he was screaming when he came back, so one can only assume that he was screaming the entire time.
Erik
August 7th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Gagged the fop with one of Nadir's socks.
That shut him up.
Not sure if it shut him up because he was incapable of screaming, or because he passed out.
Definitely going to buy Nadir something to take care of that.
Nadir always did hate my Christmas presents...
Erik
August 10th, 1882
Dear Diary,
ODTF went better than I hoped.
His hair salon cannot seem to get rid of the asparagus green hair.
I offered my assistance to him.
I told him if he wanted, I'd shave his head.
Or better yet, wax it.
He declined.
Party pooper...
Erik
August 12th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Christine inquired as to the fop's exotic new hairdo.
Exotic?
More like demonic...
I told her he was wearing my dinner from the night before.
She said that she hoped I had better taste in food than that.
Erik
August 14th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have asked the fop to autograph a photo I took of him with his asparagus hair.
He just tried to slap me.
But he's rather girly about it, and extended his arms, turned his head, shut his eyes, and waggled his hands at me aimlessly.
Told him I was going to send his headshot to his agent because I heard they were doing some casting for "Veggie Tales on Ice"
Fop not too pleased.
Erik
August 15th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Got a phone call back from the talent agency.
Said they are interested in meeting the fophead.
Raoul not overjoyed to hear this.
Told him he should be proud of his asparagusness.
He just glared at me.
Did not try to slap me again, however.
Erik
August 16th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Still trying to get the fop to audition for the Veggie Tales on Ice.
Would make for a night of exceptional entertainment, I think.
He said he would think about it.
I should do this the good old way.
Tell him he will do it, or I will punjab him.
That always did seem to accomplish things more effectively.
Erik
August 18th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have convinced fop to audition for the Veggie thing.
I always was skilled in persuasion.
And I'm sure the fact that I was brandishing a freshly tied punjab lasso had nothing at all to do with it.
I'll just go tuck that away now...
Erik
August 20th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Thank goodness summer is drawing to a close...
It's quite hot down in the wretched basement.
And there are no windows to put an air conditioner in.
Shall have to see about having central air put in, as I'm quite certain I look rediculous walking around with a bag of ice on my head.
Christine always keeps one inside her shirt when she stops by.
Told her she's going to get frostbite in very unpleasant places.
She told me if I was that worried about her, I could retrieve the ice myself.
That is one tricky little woman, that is...
Erik
August 21st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Have invested in a fan.
Slightly more effective than ice, and when using ice and fan, it's almost comfortable down here.
I wish the hot tub had an alternate feature - cold.
Especially since certain reptilian creatures prevent me from swimming in the lake.
Had to stop Christine from jumping in after she lost her ice.
She asked me to look for it, but I am wise to her antics...
Erik
August 23rd, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul has be cast in the role of the asparagus in Veggie Tales on Ice.
Said he wouldn't do it, but he needs the money.
Asked him how he could possibly need money with his rich little family.
Said he spent all his money on hair products and lip gloss.
Was about to point out how stupid he was, but was almost knocked to the ground by the stench of cherry lipgloss as he pulled out a tube to apply more, as he tends to do about every five minutes.
It's really quite annoying.
August 24th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Raoul off to rehersals for Veggie stuff.
Will be gone all day, every day.
That is a VERY excited bit of news.
Shall have to take up a residence in his bedroom during the hours he is away.
I shall be sure to mess up his perfectly cleaned little lodging.
Bwahahaha!
Erik
August 25th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Tried to mess up the fophead's room.
Was quite unsuccessful.
Could not bring myself to touch all the disgusting pink... stuff...
It's actually rather gross...
And the STENCH!
It's absolutely overpowering!
Between the cherry lip gloss stench, and the assault of pinkness, I had to leave.
Erik
August 26th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Tried to send Christine in to mess up the fop's room.
She refused.
Said she would be sick all over his floor.
I said that was all right, just to be sure she didn't clean it up afterwards.
She slapped me.
What did I do?
Erik
August 28th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Could not get Christine to go into the fop's room.
Damn her.
It's SO hard to find good help these days.
Perhaps shall get Nadir to leave some of his dirty laundry on the bed.
Might be gross enough to overpower the smell of lip gloss.
Christine pointed out that my whole "smell of death" bit isn't the most pleasant either.
Told her not to make fun of my gland disorder.
Erik
August 29th, 1882
Dear Diary,
Am growing restless again.
Perhaps I will have to drop another chandelier on somebody.
Christine said that dropping chandeliers is not the answer.
Told her that dropping large and elaborate lighting fixtures solves all the problems in the world.
Christine suggested counseling.
Like I, Erik, The Phantom of the Opera, need COUNSELING...
Pfft...
Erik
August 31st, 1882
Dear Diary,
Am now signed up for counseling.
Christine signed me up.
I think it's the stupidest idea in the world.
She thinks it will help me work through my "issues"
I still say that all my "issues" could be solved by the dropping of a large and elaborate lighting fixture.
In other news, have received a very threatening letter from the fop.
Well, as threatening as a letter from a fop could possibly be.
Says he will have revenge for the asparagus hair, and the daroga-laundry in his room.
Ha, that's funny.
Erik
REMEMBER, GO VOTE AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS!
Thank you to...
Chandelier-sama - Yay Hugh Panaro indeed! And yes, Christine is odd. I mean, I've always known there was something not quite right about her, haven't you? I'm not all too fond of the French dub. I prefer him to Gerry, and have therefore taken to watching the movie in French, (and because French is such a pretty language) but Hugh definitely has more talent that both of them combined, in my opinion. R/C scares EVERYONE, silly!
GoldenLyre - Thanks for voting for me! I'm surprised that I've been able to get as many votes as I've gotten, because I'm up against some of the most amazing fics I've every read. You should all go read the fics I'm competing against, because most of them are absolutely outstanding.
Baby-Vixen - Yea, they're sitting in a cabinet... it's those little Peeps things. Perhaps I'll give them to Erik next Christmas.
arianna-1984 - You bought a shirt! Hurrah! See, I can never connect the purchaser with their username on fanfiction, so I can't tell who has them unless you tell me. But that's awesome! I hope everyone gives you funny looks when you wear it!
Marianne Brandon - I would just like to say that I LOVE LONG REVIEWS! Thanks for the super long one. And I should therefore give you a very long reply. New York pretzels are awesome. My mom bought some fake ones from the store, and I can't get them to taste right for the life of me. Though somehow, I don't imagine pretzels being part of Erik's diet. And we can all see Erik clubbing. Come on, I mean, he must get bored of his basement sometimes. I bet Nadir goes with him! Although I can't quite imagine Erik being drunk out of his head. Ha, I'd like to think that the teenager latching onto Erik's leg was one of us! Erik's becoming a little more confident, and now has created a masterful plan to make the fop miserable. He seems to be SO good at that. But then, he's just that cool, isn't he?
Erik For President - Well you see, he's done that already! Erik doesn't seem like the kind of person who would just get bored and use the same torture method again on the same person.
Kute Anime Kitty - And here is your update! Wouldn't want to keep you waiting!
Arien Belthil - Ha, I wish my mom would read M-Rated humor fics over my shoulder... like she doesn't think I'm weird enough already!
Deathtoallclovers - Oh, yay, PUNJAB::flicks punjab lasso masterfully: Erik would be proud.
EverspringNative - Poker night is awesome. I mean, come on, what do these opera types do when there's no performance? They have to find some way to spend their free time.
Leana R Foxfoot - You know, I really didn't think about that all that much. Use your imagination!
LoverofBalto - Yea, I do jump around and touch on tons of random things. It's basically whatever comes into my head. Which is simply pure insanity!
Kiyuu-Chan - Thanks for the vote! Speaking of the rock-in-rollish version of Phantom, it's rather ironic, as I just heard that for the first time yesterday... It was... interesting to say the least. I think it might drive Erik to forsake his Punjab and just pull out a shotgun and run wild in the streets. I can't imagine he'd be pleased with it.
Le Fantome De L'Opera - Aw... :blushes: I'm not that good... :looks at above chapter: Oh no, will I be able to live up to the hype? Hehehe...
Shade Sunslayer - Congrats on having the pleasure of seeing His Amazingness (A.K.A. Hugh)perform. And yes, I love the little kitty face. It's adorable.
sinful delight - Sinful Delight, is that referring to all fanfiction? Because that's the first thing I think of when I see your username! Fanfiction is SUCH a guilty pleasure. Hehehe... I personally would probably steal Erik's lint remover and put it in a shrine of some sort. All hail the mighty lint remover. Anyway, after this chapter, I should say that Erik is far from bored. And don't worry about people thinking you're insane. It's all good. Thanks so much for the vote! I must be getting annoying now, asking everyone to go and vote for me.
DarkSilverMaiden - Oh dear, exam time. I do so hate that time of year. Glad this was able to give you a little break!
obsession is love - No! Erik! Quick! CPR::throws Erik at you to recussitate you and bring you back from the dead:
Cleesa - Oh yes, I can't imagine anyone would be all too pleased to eat Nadir's shoe. I can hardly imagine a movie version of this. And since there's no singing involved, I'd be all too happy to cast Gerry in it, as he's quite the pretty little thing.
Virginia Wildchild - I always knew Erik would hate the ending of the musical. Because he knows that it obviously wasn't the truth. What WAS our dear Lord Webber thinking? I personally think the movie wasn't that great at all, and Gerry was just a piece of it's downfall. Although I still watch it. A lot. I can't quite explain that to myself. I think it's mostly because I can't just walk over to Broadway and watch Hugh whenever I'd like, because those tickets cost an arm and a leg. Quite a shame.
Angel-Of-Music1331 - :tosses some of Erik's waffles your way: Thanks for the vote! It's absolutely appreciated!
Killthefop - I'll bet the fop watches Bob the Builder too!
The Singing Fox Demon - As you wish! Here is your update! And hurrah for destroying the fop's carefully constructed 'do.
Erik's Girlfriend - You must be mistaken, as Modern Inconveniences is not a fic I have written. While I'd rather not imagine Erik throwing up, I agree with your claim that he could probably look sexy doing anything.
hikkifan89 - Glad you enjoyed it, and glad I earned myself a spot on your favorite stories list. I never expected the phic to get this popular, but every day my inbox is flooded with reviews. I feel so loved::fluff moment:
Nota Lone - Hooray for frozen brain cells! Glad you liked the update. It's far overdue!
Baffled Seraph - Phoenix? Wow. I have no idea. Hugh is amazing, as is John. I don't know if you've heard either of them before. Drop me an email if you'd like to have a listen. Oh, I do hope the voting site isn't down or anything. That would not be cool.
Son Ange - :joins in the chucking of croissants: French power! Waffles are cooler than EVERYTHING... Dora! I have a little cousin who quite enjoys Dora... so every time I babysit, I think of the fop.
piratingelvenpyro - Oh, but of course, you're ever so dignified. And I know everyone wants to feel closer to Erik. :evil grin: I don't know, Gerry just doesn't do it for me. As for the emotion, sometimes I think he overdoes it a bit. Plus, (and this is the big thing for me) he couldn't make me cry. Every time I see the stage show, I always say I won't cry, and yet Hugh Panaro and David Gaschen (the two Phantoms I've seen live) have me sitting there sobbing. DAMN THEM! Nah, I'm kidding. That's my way of knowing they did a good job.
livworld - Yep, writing more as fast as possible. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!
Lamia - Well that was a quick review! But appreciated nonetheless.
TheIncredibleOne - Yes, I fear I'm responsible for making your day stranger. Thank you for the vote. I'm determined to put up a fight in the vote!
Lauri - I'm glad I got you laughing. That's what the world needs these days - More LAUGHTER!
Phantoms Little Lotte - Hmm... I'm liking the "light the fop on fire" idea. But then the fop would be just as disfigured as dear Erik... although if he has any more run-ins with Erik's little "friends", I suppose it sha'n't matter any more, shall it? I love the word "sha'n't"
monroe-mary - I love it when author's answer my reviews, so I'd figure I'd do the same. Although, like I've said before, I wasn't expecting such a huge response to my story! I have over 200 reviews so far on this story alone! It's mind boggling. Oh well. It gives me something to do! Oh Erik is WAY too sexy for his mask. What? Guys can't be depressed with a pint of ice cream too? Maybe Erik is just getting in touch with his more "feminine" side.
White Eevee - Glad you like it! It's always great to hear from someone who liked it!
Videociraptor - I don't know how you did live without it, Phantom is AMAZING. Ha, glomp is such a great word. I love it.
introducing-prologue - While I agree that my style of writing in these stories is similar to the style used in the Very Secret Diaries, I would like to think that these stories are made up of original ideas. Glad you think it's funny anyway.
babymene17 - Hooray for giggle fits!
LenisVox - Oh dear, shall we put that lung back in where it came from? Jolly good! Glad I made you laugh!
peppermintoreo - You don't like WAFFLES? Oh I'm sure our dear Erik can amend that! Glad you like the phic!
...for your lovely reviews!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.