When Hope Rises Again…

Plot Summary (in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

Chapter 8: Watching and Learning

Why are there times when I feel so alone? I mean it was perfectly acceptable to for me to be alone, but to feel the emptiness,the hollowness than reigns over the pit of your stomach like a cold fog that just won't clear- that's the abnormal side to it. I was surrounded by people-even if it was just a bunch of boys, who hardly knew me. But then again, who did know me? I was alienated due to my sex, nothing else. I had no need to feel lonely.

But even so, there are times when you want people to see beyond the skin, beyond the shallow, and see who you really are, but that wasn't not likely to happen. They couldn't comprehend why a 'weak' female would even consider the field they had chosen. This was a man's world- what had I expected? Did they not remember Bellatrix Black last year who had used her 'feminine' ruthlessness to bully numerous students who were not in Slytherin, without punishment? Of course I was going to fight. Anyway, no man can outsmart a woman- it's just impossible. They needed a woman in the field.

It was amazing though, one would have thought that wizards, who had 'discovered' equality of the sexes at least 500 years before their muggle counterparts, would understand a female's choice to become an Auror. But they didn't, they expected me to become, at worst, a healer, a more acceptable 'feminine' occupation. Because, of course, why would we want to chip our nails (though magic can grow them back in a matter of seconds)?

The glares and glances from these few boys could have scorched my skin, had they had the potential to emit low concentrations of heat. I had to look everywhere else but directly at them. The room was mostly in shadows, surrounded by a variety of strange and odd bottles, and furnishings. The only empty spot was the left front corner so it seemed to be the only right place to look, the shadows still covered it, but it was blank, at least it seemed so. As I deepened my stare, I noticed a slight movement. Immediately, without I thought, I revealed the concealer, disarmed him, and placed a jelly legs jinx on him.

The class was in chaos, each person had turned to try and figure out what I was doing, and it almost seemed liked they were going to turn against me. However, it was then that I would felt the agony of my action, when I turned to notice that sprawled on the floor, groaning uncomfortably, was my Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I flushed, quickly muttered the counter curse to the jinx, and handed back his wand. I wanted to flee.

"I am so so so sorry, sir. I didn't realise- I should have known- I just reacted on instinct- I should not-" My voice did not stop, I did not want to face his wrath. He wasn't the best teacher we'd had. In most of our Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, he had a tendency to drone on and on about the affects of small defence manoeuvres, even though, at most times, they were of little importance. His lack of height, though, was a misguiding factor. When he would lose his temper, which was frequent, his voice had a tendency to carry down most of the hallways in the school. No, I was quite certain I did not want to face that wrath.

Remarkably, he smiled, well, at least the corners of his mouth shifted slightly upwards. "Ah, no Miss Evans, that was perfect, quite perfect. In fact, I would like to speak to all of you on Miss Evans' actions. Out of all you supposed strong 'masculine' figures, none of you noticed by presence, except for the only female in this class, Miss Evans. Had I been an enemy, a friend of the Dark Arts, a Death Eater, you would all certainly faced a quick, but painful death without Miss Evans. I am impressed by you Miss Evans, even if that jinx was slightly inappropriate."

I blushed, but was relieved that after what I had done, he did not consider a severe punishment. I put my hand up, and hesitantly asked, "Sir, may I ask what a Death Eater might be?"

"Quite simple- a member well-immersed into the Dark Arts, and in the close niche of Lord Voldemort. In other words, a vile creature whose idea of fun is mass murder and pillage, creating chaos, and following the fascist and half-witted ideas of Voldemort himself." He spoke rather quickly, but turned to face James through the whole explanation.

Once again, I asked hesitantly, "Is there any distinguishing mark or feature that separates them from others-such that they are easier to spot?" I felt stares on my back again, "Just so we know, in case…" I added.

"Actually, that's a good question." He turned to face the class, avoiding James this time, "I don't suppose you have heard of the 'masked criminals', who have been linked to the deaths and kidnappings of wizards and non-wizards alike?"

Hesitantly, each one of us nodded, all except James, who seemed to have become deathly pale. Even though he definitely had problems of chauvinism, I felt a strange kind of empathy for him. I didn't know what it felt to discuss the people who murdered someone so close to you, but I could feel his pain around me. His desperate need to break free, forget all about it and run free. But he didn't. He just sat there.

Simple duelling was the first task. An opportunity to show our level of skill as well as get used to the people we would be working with for the next 100 years, or, at least until our deaths, I thought, before really thinking about what I was thinking. It struck me then what sort of training I had applied for- that for which the average life-span was extremely short, and death was almost certainly around the corner. And if not for me, then definitely someone in this room. I shuddered, but focused again on the task assigned.

To my luck, I was assigned to work with Sirius for the lesson. But, surprisingly, he was oddly really focused. He didn't ignore instructions, just did what he was supposed to. In fact, he had this determined glint in his eye, a self-confident, but not arrogant, glint, as if he were trying to prove something to himself, not others. I have to advise after seeing his glint, that you must never underestimate the power of glints. The aftermath of our first couple of duels was extremely painful! He won 6 of the 11 duels we played, and I was certainly impressed, at least in a Sirius Black manner impressed.

The only time we were allowed to relax was while we were eating. The dinner was simple- a couple of pasties and sandwiches, along with a mug of butterbeer. All sorts of chitchat filled the room- Quidditch discussions, wizardry politics, and even on the ethical implications of not informing those Muggles injured by 'Death Eaters' or in crossfire, of the absolute truth about who attacked them. I must say, after that heated argument, I knew there were going to be too many 'alien abductions' or 'free trips to Spain' this year.

Mostly, I remained quiet, entertained by their conversations, and the way the spoke. It seemed as though it was passionate, but they carried it casually. There was no emotion in the way that they spoke, but it was as if there was a string that had tied them all together inside. But they were human, and thus marred by an element of chaos. Black's comments were, on occasion, reflective of the background he detested, or marked by the difficulty he faced being a Gryffindor, whilst having to face a family that hurled fascist and prejudiced comments on those he had befriended.

Words are amazing tools, with the ability to reflect the utter being of each person in that room. James carried an aura of loss in his words- a deep sadness, blanketed by a crumbling façade of acceptance and humour.

It was in the middle of this wild pursuit to slightly comprehend the male sex, that I felt a light taping of Dumbledore's wand on my shoulder. He proceeded to usher me out of the room.

"What do you see?" He asked softly, as if he wanted no-one else to hear his words.

"What do you mean, sir?" I replied, under my breath.

"You have a skill, Miss Evans. What can you tell me about Mr Potter and Mr Black?" he asked again.

I didn't exactly know what he meant. "Just by looking at them- I don't understand, sir-" I was nervous now- was this some sort of test for all trainees?

"Lily, you have a skill which allows you to understand people, looking beyond their masks, and noticing exactly who they are. What can you tell me about Mr Potter and Mr Black- I see that you have had a little time to get to know them."

I was still nervous. If this was a skill, I had no idea that I had it. Would what I say be right, or would he be disappointed?

"Pot- er- Mr Potter is still suffering from the loss of his parents, but is attempting to repress it under a mask of contentment. And- um- Mr Black still feels the strain of separation from his family, and thus remains a child wanting the attention he had never received whilst growing up. And I- I do not know anymore to tell." Truthfully, even I had no clue I knew that.

"It is indeed a gift, Miss Evans. Although I am not sure whether it is or it is not magical- it could be old magic- I expect to use it wisely. I shall have to tell the Professor. You could have a very strong career in front of you." He disappeared after he finished, using a small nod to bid farewell. I floated back into the room, my mind flying off to different worlds of thought. Professor Dumbledore's words always had an interior motive, or meaning, and I was struggling to figure out what exactly they were…

As homework seems to come from anything school related, Auror training was no exception. Training was assessed simply. As fieldwork would be project based, the same was used in homework. Each student was assigned to research a particular field, presenting an outlined report (7 ft parchment), and a presentation to class. The name of the field was supplied and an advised list of textbooks and research ideas were passed out.

I had been assigned to research whatever I could under 'Protection against the Unforgivable Curses'. A difficult task, as everyone knew there was no antidote to any of the curses. Research in old magic was required, thus research in the 'Restricted Section' of the library was required. However, no passes or signatures were supplied for research. We were told to 'find our own ways' to do our research. In other words, we had to do it without permission. It wasn't that hard. I had done it before in broad daylight, and not been caught. It was the only way I learnt anything outside the curriculum supplied by the school.

However it was James' reaction that affected me the most. He had been told to gather all information he could on the murders committed by the Death Eaters, what methods they used to entice fear and finally what the outcome of the deaths were. Basically newspaper research, and contacting the Minister of Magic for more details. But it was personal. He had to complete internal research, and of course, as with any other human being (Yes, I am admitting James is human, though he still may be one of the more frivolous types), that was the toughest bit.

The fact is that, he had not argued against it. He had accepted it blankly, as though it would not affect him. He looked cold-faced, empty, and much too pale. I did not see him very long though. He rushed out of the classroom when he had finished. No joke, no smile, not even a passing comment to Black. Entirely abnormal.

The second shock I received was when Black approached me at the end of the lesson, and stated in a surprisingly non-arrogant manner,

"Lily, it's really great having you in this class. I'm really sorry about being so rude earlier."

There was no sarcasm, just sincerity, which in a sense really surprised me. I really believe that was the first thing that Sirius had actually said to me that had any meaning to it at all.

"Um, thanks, Bla-Sirius," I returned him the compliment, and smiled in appreciation.

The truth was I had found out something new about Black. Something about his personality that I had not noticed before, and something, I was quite impressed by. Well, I was impressed by it in terms of 'Sirius Black points' not in the attracted-sense. The fact was that he was actually quite sincere. He would mess around, and not really do anything with much of a purpose other that to irritate people to achieve a sense of pleasure from it. But in the end, he wouldn't really lie to people. Even though he was quite flirtatious, he had never really had a serious relationship. He never got too involved. He was himself, naturally and true. They were all like that, all of the supposed 'Marauders'. Their priorities were themselves, a sense of friendship I knew I would never begin to understand.

But, it was enlightening, and somehow in a very strange way, those thoughts were incredibly comforting.

Author's Note: I am SO sorry that this took so long to update. I have been travelling in India and Kenya for the past three months, and then I had an interview with this university, and now I'm working (because Uni starts in Sept because I'm aiming to go to the UK). So updating has been really difficult, with a lot to do. However, things will improve now, as I am back ;)

I really think that this story is going to be very long…

Thanks to:

Whimsical Firefly- Well English elections in May (I think), so yeah… we'll have to see. Labour will definitely come in again, but Social Dems might be able to snatch a few seats. The conservatives have become way too right wing. I don't know about a duel between them, but something is going to happen. Whether it's going to be battle-like or bringing them closer, or both.- well you'll just have to wait and see.

NFlora- sorry it took so long. Yes, go feminism!

The Zazu- Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I appreciate it a lot. I think no-one is really fixed in their emotions, especially as a teenager. I think I used Lily to explain James' emotions in the above chapter, but more will be revealed in the next chapter. I really like to add that human element in my stories, because creating 'ideal' characters annoys me. However, these characters are actually quite ideal.

Thanks for reading. Please Review and tell me if you like it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!