You are never alone
The colors blurred from reds to oranges, pinks and purples showing the majesty of the planet around me. Nothing obscured the view yet I pay no attention. The Force swirled around me, wrapping myself into a blanket of comfort, sensing my conflict within. But as the twin sun sets go unnoticed, I can spare nothing to the Force, the only thing always with me, never leaving me all these years since the day breath entered my newborn lungs.
I was alone. As desolate as the desert I was sitting in, I was alone. I can't understand what I had done wrong. I was always the dutiful padawan, following my master, unquestioning. Until his dying breath, and beyond I obeyed my master, no matter what. He told me to train the boy, to train Anakin because he was the one. Of course I agreed. He was my master, my leader, my father; and he was dying. A doubt never entered my mind, Anakin would be trained, and I would do it, whether the council truly approved of it or not.
Was that a mistake? Should I have let a more experienced knight train him? Was Anakin too old to be trained like the council told Qui-Gon? Questions that run through my head now but seem to have come to my mind too late. Anakin is gone; betrayed and murdered by the Dark Lord, Darth Vader. At least that is what I am telling myself. Is that the truth? No, because Anakin is not dead. He has changed appearance, changed his name and has led a purge against his family, the order whose goal was peace, not war or bloodshed. The Jedi have all become one with the Force, for which I can be grateful. If they were still alive, they would blame me, sith I blame me. He was under my tutelage, my care; he had barely passed the trials. I failed him. I failed him.
Tears stream down my face now as the black inkiness of space closes in. The stars have begun to dot the sky, twinkling to say that life is everywhere. I look at the stars and remember that I have traveled throughout the universe defending the peace, protecting dignitaries and loving every minute of it. Now, with tears cascading down my face, I find no joy in the stars, only sorrow, only loneliness. I am a failure, and am alone.
The tears refuse to stop and I think of Qui-Gon. I should be mad at him. In fact, I am mad at him. If I am to blame for Anakin's turning and training then Qui-Gon is to blame for my training and premature knighthood. He left me too early. Was I truly ready for the trials?
"I wasn't ready!" I yell into the vast immenseness of space. "You told me to train him, I trusted you, and you left me alone…" The tears now turn to sobs and all I can do is sit and hug my knees. Sobs engulf my body as I rock back and forth and the loneliness settles heavily on my soul. Many years ago, I would be comforted by my master, if not in person, then in my mind, through our bond. The bond has been silent now these many years and yet I tentatively reach for it. Even after his death, I still look to Qui-Gon for comfort, to hear him just say in his calm, soothing, accented voice,
"Padawan."
I start. That was just in my mind right? Of course it is; I must have imagined it because dead people don't speak. Once you become one with the force, you as a physical being fail to exist and your essence strengthens the force. There is definitely no on here with me; I am always alone.
"Padawan."
This time I look around. Hearing it once means you could be crazy, but twice is more than coincidence. I reach towards the bond, usually silent, still, empty. Instead warmth flows over me, and I feel a presence I have not felt for a long time. A vague feeling I once knew as comfort envelops me, and lost in the darkness a soft, pale serene blue light moves towards me.
I should be afraid; Tatooine is no place to be alone, even in the daylight, but I do not know fear. I see the calm blue light approach me, and sense someone nearing. Hesitating for only a moment, I turn and stare at the man behind the voice I had heard.
"It's been a long time, my padawan."
As Jedi we are trained to handle any situation that arises, but at this very moment, looking at my dead master, I am at a loss of words. This situation was never mentioned at the Jedi Academy, and I am struck dumb. What do you do?
Qui-Gon, sensing the many emotions coursing through me, answers that question by moving next to me and sitting down. I watch all of his movements with tear filled eyes and feel like the young boy he chose as his padawan, not the grown Jedi Knight that I am supposed to be. As I look into his eyes, all blame that I wanted to place on him vanishes when I see love, kindness and warmth shining through.
"I have never left you Obi-Wan. It may have seemed that I departed, but I will forever be and have been with you, always."
Silent tears fall down my cheeks as I listen to Qui-Gon. Words still escape me, and I am just content to sit and listen to my master.
Memories, that was what we spoke about, laughing and basking in each others presence. Nothing seemed painful; the memories filled me with warmth because I was sharing them. I wasn't dwelling on them by myself; thinking all alone. Instead I was reliving them with my master. Joy and love filtered through our bond and I finally appeared to be at peace. In my mind I knew that this moment could never last. I was a realist; something was bound to shatter this good moment. And shatter it did. Force I hate being right.
Qui-Gon, always perceptive to others emotions and feelings, voiced one of the thoughts that had been plaguing me for awhile.
"Obi-Wan" hearing him say my name still sends shivers down my spine, like I would be reprimanded. "Do not think that Anakin's turning was your fault. No one blames you."
"I try to tell myself that master, and sometimes I believe it. Other times I can't help but wonder why no one else blames me. Everything is just so confusing, so frustrating! My thought swirl so much I have no clue what to do." Now I know I was sounding like a whiny initiate, but I couldn't help it.
"What does your heart tell you?" Qui-Gon had no problem ignoring my tone. That just stirred my emotions more.
"My heart! You're asking me about my heart?" My temper was rising and before I knew it, I started yelling at Qui-Gon. "As Jedi, we are not supposed to follow our hearts, let alone listen to them! Look what happened to Anakin-He followed his heart to find his mother on Tatooine, which led to the slaughter of numerous Tusken Raiders, women and children too! Following his heart led him to his path of darkness. And you ask me to listen to my heart? No, I think not master." I turned my back on Qui-Gon trying to get my emotions in check.
"Listen to your heart Padawan." The word that warmed my heart earlier only infuriated me more.
"Sorry, I am not your Padawan anymore. That title left me as quickly as you did. I do not have to listen to your lessons anymore. That task ended a long time ago." I needed to get away from this conversation and Qui-Gon's help. But he would not leave me alone.
"Obi-Wan" He still didn't sound angry. "Look inside yourself. What do you feel?"
That's it! My breaking point. I jump to my feet. All that I've wanted to say, all my emotions were just going to come out.
"Fine! You want to know how I feel, well I'll tell you. I feel angry. I'm angry at myself for training Anakin and failing. I feel angry at Anakin for betraying the order and turning his back on me. I feel angry at you for leaving me and not being there to continue to lend your guidance. And, and I feel scared, sad and alone because I think that I messed up. Anakin's turning was my fault, I was the cause of the Jedi purge and now I have no on left in my life." A rush went through me after I stopped and I had no idea what happened but I felt different, light almost.
"You've finally released your emotions to the force." I turned quickly to face Qui-Gon, shock on my face. "Now that you've admitted them they will not be such a heavy burden on your soul. They will never leave you, for they are yours and yours alone, but you can finally be free." All I could do was stare. A fog lifted in my mind and things were beginning to make sense. "The thought you have to ask yourself is do you really believe all that? You told me that was what you feel, but you are not to blame for any of it. It was all the will of the force. Anakin will still bring balance to the Force; he is the chosen one. His path is not finished, nor is yours. You will encounter one another once again; it is the will of the Force."
"That seems to be your favorite line, especially when it comes to Anakin," I joke lightly. I sit back down, realizing that if I could joke about a situation, then it must not be staining my soul too terribly.
"Obi-Wan, my padawan," Qui-Gon soothes, "You've grown into such a man. I could not have been any prouder if you were my own son. There will be hard times ahead, but remember, like the Force, I will be with you, always."
At that moment I wanted to hug him, or just touch him, to get some physical contact from him. But I knew I would never touch him again, as long as I lived, but as I thought about it, that didn't bother me. Just sitting in his presence once again was enough for me. The emotional gauntlet had left me exhausted, too tired to voice anything but silence, and that's how we spent the rest of the night…sitting side by side as master and apprentice once again.
The twin suns rose, a master followed by the apprentice, spilling colors rarely seen in the galaxy. I watched those suns and for the first time in twenty years I was finally at peace. I realized I was never alone. No one is truly alone.