Howdy. Sorry this chapter took forever to get done… I really had absolutely no idea what to write – angst is so hard to write, comedy is so much easier (sigh). As always, apologies for spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

Chapter Eight: Torturous Silence

He felt hollow. He was simply a skin of grief and self-hatred that encased nothing but a scrap of tortured mind and shards of a broken heart.

The heat flooding from the glowing fire did nothing to warm him; the memories replaying over and over again in his mind numbed his body. They cast a shield of self-loathing around him, transporting him from the cosy warmth and comfort of the Gryffindor common room to the dark, bleak recesses of his mind.

He sat in a sheltered alcove that housed a small, lightly frosted window. His long arms were tightly wrapped around his drawn up legs, his back hunched over in a sign of complete and utter devastation and defeat. Greasy strands of normally immaculate hair draped over his face and obscured his vision as he stared out over the winter wonderland. The glass was as cold against his forehead forcing daggers of ice to rip into his mind, increasing the tempo of the continuous pounding behind his eyes, which he argued was the only reason behind the tears wetting his cheeks. Through eyes blurred with tears and hair, he hatefully…jealously…watched a mass of students play heedless and innocent in the snow, enjoying the childlike pleasure to be found in such a simple element of nature.

The sound of the portrait swinging open was slowly absorbed into his conscience and he withdrew slowly from his melancholy thoughts. He pulled back from the glass and turned to frighten off who ever had disturbed his perfect nothingness. He brought his right hand up to his face and severely wiped away the tears, as he was dropping his hand back to his lap something caught his eye and he raised it again, staring morosely at the single tear, as more memories came flooding back to him. Memories of Remus stepping out of the shower perfect drops of water trailing down his lean torso, memories of the four of them getting caught in the rain and not bothering to look for shelter but enjoying the feel of the fine droplets on their skin. Memories began to blend with fantasies, and those made him close his eyes and ball his hand into a fist, destroying the betraying tear forever. Any plans to keep his solitude in this room were completely lost, he needed to escape the memory filled room and the confines of the castle. Like a man possessed, he leapt from his seat and blundered past a very confused looking first year, out the portrait hole and down a winding corridor. Though the he left the unwanted physical company behind, he could not escape the intangible horrors of his mind.

I never said I forgive you…

My friend… My love…

He would never love some one like me, a Black…

That's right I'm a Black, a pureblood, is it any surprise that I betrayed Remus…?

Yes! I'm not like them; I'm not like my family!

Yes, I am…even if I am a blood traitor…hmm, traitor, that's right. What's stopping me from being another sort of traitor?

Am I doomed by my genealogy?

Yes.

Understanding and Forgiving…

Remus had been unable to move since Sirius had left leaving him alone with his cluttered thoughts and the overwhelming knowledge of Sirius' betrayal. He had told Sirius that he'd understood why he had told Snape but reflecting on it now he realised that was a long way from the truth. Honestly he had no idea why Sirius had been so angry and upset. Sure, he knew that the anger had clouded Sirius' judgement enough to be able to tell Snape Remus' secret and had planted the ideas of revenge – but why did he need to seek revenge and upon whom was his wrath intended? Other questions surged through Remus' mind, why was the anger so potent? And who had caused such an anger to be present in the first place? Questions were repeating themselves over and over in Remus' mind and his thoughts were simply swimming in circles, for try as he might he could find no logical explanation for Sirius' fury.

Maybe, Remus thought still staring distractedly at the ceiling; Sirius hates homosexuals and that's why he reacted so badly to finding James and Remus sharing a bed that morning? But immediately a million and one reasons as to why that simply could not be rushed at him. Everybody knew James had had the biggest crush on Lily since any of them could remember and that it would be impossible for any one who doted upon a girl like that to hold any lustful feelings for his half-breed friend. And anyway Sirius was far too much of an accepting and open guy to be prejudiced against someone simply because of their sexuality. More reasons bombarded him but the most persistent was his own simple wanting for Sirius not to be.

Lily had surrounded herself with friends since she had been discharged from the hospital mid-afternoon on Saturday. She didn't like to be alone, it gave her too much time to think about what had happened with Sirius, but more disturbingly her thoughts more frequently had this unusual tendency to slip to vivid images of a certain tall raven-haired boy with glasses. It worried her that she found these thoughts of James more disturbing that the whole issue of Sirius which of course should be her mind's priority at the moment – shouldn't it?

Lily hadn't confided in any of her friends, her more pragmatic side objected to it. It wasn't as though she didn't trust them, or that she felt she couldn't talk to them; she found herself not wanting to share partly because she simply didn't want to endure the pitying yet revenge-advice giving attention she would undoubtable receive in word got out about what had happened. She had been given the opportunity for counselling with three separate teachers; Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall had all been more than willing to offer their assistance but she had gracefully declined all of them and had only spoken to Dumbledore to assure him that she was fine and to recount what had occurred, insisting that she bore Sirius only the barest minimum of ill-will.

The fear that had consumed her when Sirius' weight was bearing down on her was indescribable, yet a small part of her had been less frantic and had chanced to observe the overwhelming sadness that was overpowering Sirius' eyes, shining out like a beacon from it's uncomfortable nest of anger and pain. She was so confused as to her feelings toward Sirius, she knew she should be furious and scared yet she only felt the tiniest bits of either, mainly she was filled with curiosity and, confusingly, concern. The only 'injury' she had received from the ordeal had been a mild shock which simply induced fainting – which Lily remained quite embarrassed about. She often scolded herself whenever she revived the memory, How stereotypically female could you get?

What she couldn't understand is why Sirius would do something like that, it seemed so out of the character from the confident boy that everyone knew, sure he caused all sorts of trouble and was particularly unkind to Severus, but he never actually really attempted to hurt somebody seriously before. It was even out of character for the boisterous boy she observed interacting with his best friends. And it made even less sense, because she was almost certain that Sirius held little interest for the fairer sex, he appeared to prefer Remus. Lily had for a long time being harbouring a private theory that there was something going on between the two friends, all the secretive glances and the subtle touches that Sirius bestowed on Remus, which were occasionally returned, all supported her idea.

Lily shook her head to clear her mind, she was getting off track. Looking around she realised she had slipped away from the main group that was heading back to the Great Hall for lunch after a typically messy Herbology lesson. She found herself walking in the general direction of the Lake and decided to continue on that path realising that her plans of company for distraction just weren't working. The layer of snow beneath her feet was thinned by the large numbers of students that daily waded about the grounds for outside classes, so she had no trouble moving at a swift pace to reach her isolated destination. As she got closer she saw a tall figure slouching by the Lake dispiritedly skimming stones across the rippling surface, watching the number of jumps as though they held the answers to all his problems. For the first time in days she smiled properly, joy spreading through her, warming her limbs as she silently watched James Potter innocently skim stones like an eight year old boy.

It was hard for Peter to come to grips with the new situation he found himself in. Ever since he came to Hogwarts he had always been surrounded by James and Sirius and later Remus, he had never wanted for company or fellowship, but now every thing had changed. James spent a lot of his time brooding and was quite prepared to snap at any one who invaded his 'quiet time'. Remus was refusing to see anybody since this morning when Sirius had been to see him and well, as for Sirius, nobody had seen him after that either – not that Peter was entirely sure he could talk to Sirius properly at the moment, what he had done to Remus – and Lily – was hard to forgive. It had only been two days, yet it seemed like an eternity that he had spent going to classes alone, spending free periods in the common room actually working, alone. He didn't have that easy confidence that favoured James and Sirius, nor did he possess the quiet mystery that attracted people to Lupin, so he couldn't find company among others, who, as marauder, he would usually ignore. When he didn't have the others for company he was much more susceptible to the derogatory comments made by others about his appearance, personality and how odd the rest of the student body thought it was for him to have been accepted as a marauder.

Whispers surrounded him every where he went so he began to spend more of his time alone, traversing all the secret ways that he knew to get to places where he knew he could be alone. Unfortunately, no matter how far from Hogwarts he ran, he could not escape the scathing commentary that was provided by his mind.

A thousand apologies for the time it took me to get this chapter out, please forgive me. And no this small chapter was not the product of the – what like three month break, but simply the work of a couple of hours after being motivated by the HBP. I figured I really should add something, I know it's not much and it's kind of just a fill-in chapter, but the next one should be out a lot sooner, because I've got a sort of plan that should keep me going for at least another chapter or two… hopefully.

Anyways…Reviews would be so very much appreciated, as sad as it is; I live to hear what you guys think of my writing, the plot, the character construction etc. So please review, even constructive criticism is welcomed. And this time I bring bribes: triple chocolate muffins!