A/N: Pre-HBP. This is the companion/prequel piece to my best friend Becca's (Lenina Crowne here on ffnet) piece "Sacrifices." It's the same universe so go read that one, too. Let me say, this is a one-shot piece. It will NOT be continued, since it is followed by canon events.
He didn't know how he did it, later - how he held Harry back from running through the veil after Sirius when he would so like to do the same. Instinct, he supposed, and shock. He clung to Harry like a lifeline until Harry stopped struggling, even longer than he must, because Harry felt real when nothing else did. He knows about that veil, knows that nobody returns from behind it, and he can't watch Harry fall through like Sirius did - Sirius...
It doesn't hit him until later, until he arrived back in 12 Grimmauld Place, until he heard Mrs. Black's portrait screaming.
"Is it true? Is it true he's dead, that filthy beast? The blood traitor, the scum of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, killed by his faithful and deserving cousin? Is it true, you abomination?"
"Shut up!" he heard Arthur Weasley shout back at it.
Remus pressed himself against the wall, closing his eyes tightly, trying to block out her hideous screams.
"He finally gets what he deserves, then, does he? The shame of my flesh, mongrel, loathsome dog!"
"I'll blast you into a million pieces if you don't shut it," Arthur growled.
Remus slipped down the wall, his head pounding; he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't feel.
"He's gone! That despicable riff-raff is finally gone, that blood traitor, it's about time someone finished him off - "
"Incendio!" Arthur said, but Mrs. Black just laughed and laughed.
"You disgusting blood traitor, do you honestly think your feeble spell could do a thing to I, the last of the great Black women?"
Remus heard Arthur swear furiously and stomp up the stairs. Molly bustled into the room, shaking her head, and froze when she saw Remus sitting on the floor, leaning against the entryway wall.
"Oh, dear," she murmured, causing Remus to start and look up at her. He tried to say something to excuse himself, but he couldn't speak for the lump in his throat, so he closed his eyes instead.
"Remus, come have some tea," she said gently, kneeling next to him. "Perhaps there's some Dreamless Sleep Draught in the kitchen, I'll ask Arthur - "
"No, no thank you," Remus choked out. "I'll just - just go upstairs. Thank you." He struggled to his feet and pushed past her, up into his room, where he sat down gently on the bed. He hated Sirius' mother, he hated this old house. And as tears streamed down his face and his breath came in gasps, he thought he hated Sirius for leaving him behind.
Remus got up a few hours later when the sun had risen, dressed in an old pair of worn grey trousers and a white shirt, and went downstairs to breakfast to find everyone in a decidedly depressed mood.
Arthur was staring blankly into a cup of tea; Moody was munching distractedly on a piece of blackened toast; Molly was spluttering angrily at some kippers that seemed to be burning.
"Morning," Remus said hoarsely, and they all looked up at him. He realized he must look horrible; Arthur's brow knitted in concern, and Molly immediately left her kippers behind to run over and embrace him. "I'm all right," he lied, feeling that he, for some reason, needed to comfort her.
"Oh, Remus," Molly whispered. "Sit down, dearie, sit down and have a cuppa." Remus obeyed, feeling as if he was one of Molly's children himself.
"Terrible business, terrible," Moody said quietly, shaking his head.
"How are the kids?" Remus asked, clearing his throat.
"They'll be all right," Arthur said. "Ron and Hermione will be in hospital at Hogwarts for a few days, but they'll be fine, I just got back from visiting them. Poppy Pomfrey patched everyone else up right away."
"And... and Tonks?" Remus said, his chest constricting strangely. He had gotten to know the young Auror well over the past several months, become used to her bright, cheery presence around number 12.
"She's at St. Mungo's, but they should be letting her out tonight," Molly said.
"Okay," Remus said. He was uncomfortably aware that Mad-Eye was raking his eyes, both normal and magical, over him.
"Are you all right, Lupin?"
"Yes, of course," Remus said automatically. Molly tutted.
"Er, they pardoned Sirius," Arthur said, holding out the Daily Prophet to Remus. "Officially. I think Dumbledore had some doing with that. I thought it might help... you know..." he trailed off, looking awkward.
Remus looked at the paper. YOU-KNO-WHO RETURNS! proclaimed a large headline, with a smaller DEATH EATERS ATTACK MINISTRY below it. Near the bottom of the page was another, much smaller headline that read SIRIUS BLACK DIES IN MINISTRY AMBUSH; MINISTER PARDONS HIM. There was a picture of Sirius below it, his hair long and shaggy, his face gaunt, his eyes empty - his Azkaban mug shot, Remus realized with a jolt, and dropped the paper hastily to the table. He suddenly wasn't hungry at all; he felt like he had a gaping wound in his chest, and someone had just dribbled salt onto it.
Remus spent most of the day in his bedroom; he couldn't stand facing the sympathetic looks of the other Order members who dropped by periodically. He knew Black best, he could hear them muttering. Old friends from school, you see.
He wanted to scream at them. They didn't understand that Sirius was all he had left; that getting Sirius back was like living again, and losing him was twice as bad. They didn't see that he'd lost everything, all of his friends, that he had no one. Nobody could possibly understand, and there was nobody he could talk to, nobody except...
"Tonks?" Remus said as the girl stuck her head in his door with a soft knock. She looked how he felt; utterly rundown and exhausted. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was a subdued brown.
"Wotcher, Remus," she said, but her heart wasn't in it.
"How are you?"
"All right," she said, coming in and sitting on his bed. "Bit tired, bit sore, but I'll be all right. What about you?"
"Oh, I wasn't hurt - "
"No, I mean," Tonks stopped, sighing uncharacteristically. "You know." Remus studied her as she blinked rapidly. "It's weird to think he's really... gone." Remus didn't say anything. "I knew him when I was younger, he was my Mum's favorite cousin, but then he went to Azkaban and... and she didn't talk about him anymore," Tonks said, wiping furtively at her eyes. "I'm sorry, you knew him so much better than I did, and here I am blubbering on..."
"No, it's all right," Remus said, his heart clenching. He reached out and patted her on the shoulder. She let out a strangled sob and threw herself into his arms. He froze, shocked, before wrapping his arms around her. "Shh," he whispered into her hair. "Shh."
Tonks sniffed loudly and pulled her tear-streaked face away from his shirt. "Sorry. I mean... I don't usually do this. Cry, that is. Wouldn't be good for the image and all, an Auror crying."
"I won't tell a soul," Remus promised.
"Well, I should go lie down," Tonks said. "I promised those damn Healers I would." She stood up and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hand. "Sorry, again. About... well... everything."
Remus nodded. "Good night."
He didn't see Tonks again until they both went to meet Harry at Platform Nine and 3/4. Her hair was bright again and she was much more cheerful than the night she had cried in his bedroom. After they met Harry (and threatened his relatives), Tonks turned to Remus and said, "How about a stop at the Leaky Cauldron?"
"Oh, I shouldn't," Remus said. "I - er - "
But there was a look in Tonks' eyes that clearly said, What else do you have to do? and as the answer was, quite obviously, nothing, and he couldn't say no to her, so he simply nodded and followed her out of the train station. They Apparated to the Leaky Cauldron and greeted Tom, the barman.
"Firewhiskey," Tonks said immediately. Remus glanced at her, mildly surprised. "What, you thought I'd order an iced butterbeer or something? Honestly, Remus."
"Scotch on the rocks, please," he said politely to Tom.
They drank in silence for a minute until Tonks said, "I haven't seen you much lately."
"You haven't been around the house," Remus said.
"I have too," Tonks countered. "You've always been up in your room, or out, according to Molly and Arthur. They're worried about you, you know."
"I'm fine," Remus said, a little more harshly than he meant to. "Really," he said more gently. "Fine." He sipped his scotch in sullen silence, then blurted out, "I miss him."
"I know," Tonks said. She reached out and tentatively placed her hand over his. "So do I."
The next time he saw her, it was raining. He somehow ended up at her flat; he didn't know why he'd gone there, of all places, but his feet had taken him there. Her hair was bright turquoise and her eyes were worried as she saw him standing there, drenched through.
"Remus!" she said. "What're you doing here?"
"Oh - er - I just thought - " Remus stammered, feeling suddenly stupid for just showing up.
"No, I'm happy to see you, just surprised. Come in," she said, ushering him into the cluttered sitting room of the flat. Remus looked around; the room practically screamed Tonks. Mismatched end tables framed a hot pink sofa that had been hastily patched with plaid squares in several places. A bookshelf full of Dark Detectors and Secrecy Sensors were near the door; several of them went crazy at Remus' entrance, and Tonks blushed, waving her wand at them erratically so that one shattered and another fell off the shelf.
"Honestly," she muttered. "Sorry about that." She stood awkwardly for a minute before saying, "Oh! Would you like some tea, you look - er - cold."
"That would be nice," Remus said. He pulled out his wand and used a stream of hot steam to dry his clothes before sitting down on the sofa. Tonks brought him a mug of tea and he drank it in silence while she watched him.
"What?" he finally asked.
"Nothing," she said, blushing. "So... how are you?"
"Fine," he said automatically. He was quite tired of everyone asking him that question, of having to give the same answer - "fine" - because no one really cared. "How are you?" was a nicety, it excused people from having to really inquire about how you were doing, how you felt.
"You don't look fine," Tonks said bluntly.
"Er," Remus replied, dumbfounded.
"You know, you don't have to be fine," Tonks said. "It's just me. You can tell me how you really are."
"Well, thank you, Tonks, but..." he trailed off, staring into Tonks' eyes. They had turned grey, smoldering grey like Sirius' were, and his throat closed up.
"What's wrong?" Tonks said.
"Your eyes," he said.
"Oh!" she gasped, and they quickly flashed back to blue. "Sorry... I didn't mean to... I do it by accident, sometimes..."
"It's all right," he said, but it wasn't, not really. Tonks didn't say anything else, and he was glad of it. Everyone - Molly, Arthur, Albus - everyone else would try to say something comforting, something to make him feel better, something that would make him hate them for a minute. But Tonks knew to just sit there quietly and not say any pointless, vapid things.
In fact, Tonks always seemed to do the right thing. Why else would he be drawn to her house, why else would he feel like this was the only place that was really right? He frowned, thinking hard. He became aware that they were sitting very, very close on the hot pink couch; he could feel her thigh pressing against his, their elbows rubbing when he took a drink of tea.
"Tonks," he said.
"Yes?"
He lost himself then, lost in her eyes - he forgot what he was going to say as her eyes fluttered shut. Her lips parted gently, her breath brushing his cheeks and he kissed her. He was blissfully, wonderfully blank, blank in a way he hadn't been since Sirius died - the purest kind of pleasure, the simplest sort of happiness.
Tonks let out a soft sigh as they broke apart and Remus' eyes snapped open.
"Tonks," he said throatily.
"Mmm?" she murmured, and he pushed away, standing up quickly, the pink sofa swirling before his eyes.
"I – I shouldn't have – " he stuttered as Tonks frowned at him, her mouth still open.
"What? No – "
"I'm sorry," he said, grabbing his cloak and stumbling toward the door. "I have to go."
"Remus, please – "
"This can't happen," he said, shaking his head. "You don't want to do this."
"How d'you know what I want?" Tonks said heatedly. "How can you say I don't want this?"
"Because I know," he said. "It's not right, it's not good for us. I need to go."
And without another word, he Apparated from the flat, deciding later that he had simply imagined hearing Tonks' anguished "Remus!" as he disappeared.