From the Desk of:
Sirius Orion Black (S.O.B.)
12 Grimmauld Place
Afterlife
Dear People of the World,
Hullo. It is I, Sirius Black.
As you can see, I am still "living" in my horrid ancestral home. This is because one's residence in the Afterlife must be the same as one's most recent habitation on Earth.
Unfortunately, you may remember that my mother and father also lived in this house until the end of their lives. So now I have to deal with not only the portrait, but also the REAL THING.
Shudder.
Luckily, I can make like my sixteen-year-old self and "vacation" at James's place. But my stationary stubbornly remains the same.
Anyway. I would now like to correct the common misconception that the Afterlife must be either up or down. In reality, it's more like... skew.
This circumstance provides for a very odd view of your world. Nevertheless, I could still make out, quite clearly, my old friend Remus Lupin in the throes of ecstasy brought on by a young auror with bubble-gum pink hair.
I'm not going to pretend I'm not upset about that.
But maybe I should get used to it and move on. After all, plenty of men, even gay men, tend to prefer younger women. It's understandable.
I suppose I will have to find a new soulmate now. The trouble is, I'm related to quite a lot of the canon characters...
Never mind. Let us commence.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the saga of...
Sirius Black and James Potter
Sirius: Hi Jamie! What'dya say we take our friendship to a new level, wink wink?
James: I'm sorry, Sirius. I've tried and tried to love you, but I'm still straight as a very straight board.
Sirius: Oh.
Sirius Black and Lily Evans
Sirius: (sexily) Hey, baby.
Lily: I'm sorry Sirius, but if you were really Harry's father he would never have James's hair.
Sirius: Oh. Right.
Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew
Sirius: Um, why do I love you again?
Peter: ...Because I'm helpless and you want to protect me from the big bad world?
Sirius: ...(pauses)...No, I still want to strangle you.
Peter: Oh. (runs away)
Sirius Black and Severus Snape
Sirius: I love you, Snivelly. I can forgive you for being ugly and slimy and having a big nose and teasing me about having to stay in the house.
Snape: Get with the program, moron. I'm with the other side. Plus I basically caused James and Lily's deaths, so you should really hate me.
Sirius: Oh. In that case...
Sirius Black and Bellatrix Black
Sirius: Um. Yeah. So this is really twisted considering A. we're related and B. you killed me but you're twisted anyway, right?
Bellatrix: Not that twisted.
Sirius: Come on! You wouldn't even have to change your name!
Bellatrix: Good point. But I'd like to limit my kids to only one head each. Sorry.
Sirius: Okay then.
Sirius Black and Auriga Sinastra (The Astronomy professor; name from She's A Star)
Sirius: I don't know anything about you.
Auriga: Oh, I know all about you. Especially the little Sirius, bright little fellow he is... I've been studying him for years.
Sirius: (runs away)
Sirius Black and Harry Potter
Sirius: Harry, I think I love you.
Harry: I love you too! You're just like the father I never had!
Sirius: Uh. I didn't mean in that way, Harry.
Harry: Oh. (pauses) Oh! (radiating nobility) AH! GET AWAY FROM ME! I CAN'T LET PEOPLE LOVE ME BECAUSE THEN VOLDEMORT WILL KILL THEM AND I'LL FEEL GUILTY!
Sirius: ...
Harry: Also I kind of prefer redheads. With boobs.
Sirius: I guess Lily was right, because this one definitely isn't mine...
Sirius Black and Sybil Trelawney
Sirius: Oh yeah, Sybil. The huge glasses and the perfume really turn me on.
Sybil: I see it... the inner eye is swirling... I see our future together... contrary to my usual prophecies it is a beautiful and happy future... Ooh, lookie, I'm drowsy...
Sybil falls asleep.
Sybil: (in a very different, harsh voice) THE TRUE INNER EYE AGREES. SYBIL TRELAWNEY AND SIRIUS BLACK ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER AND SHOULD GET MARRIED IMMEDIATELY. TO PREVENT DISASTER SYBIL'S DRESS MUST BE PURPLE AND SHE MUST HAVE ALL CONTROL OVER WEDDING HALL DECORATIONS.
Sirius: Haha, nice try, but no.
Sybil: (huffily) Well, it works for everybody else.
Sirius Black and Hermione Granger
Sirius: Wow, you're suddenly hot!
Hermione: Yeah, I used some Bush-be-gone.
Sirius: I hope you have a thing for older men, because I definitely have a thing for you.
Hermione: According to Ministry Code 16435.6743, part A.t, that's illegal. I memorized all three hundred volumes this summer while I was waiting for my hair to un-bush itself.
Sirius: Oh. I see.
Sirius Black and Minerva McGonagall
McGonagall: You have detention tonight.
Sirius: Ooh, kinky.
McGonagall: I mean it, Mr. Black.
Sirius: Teach me, Professor.
McGonagall: One more lewd remark, Mr.Black, and you'll be cleaning out bedpans all night.
Sirius: I'll clean out your bedpans, Professor.
McGonagall: Without. Magic.
Sirius: Okay, okay! Point taken! Geez...
And finally...
Sirius Black and Buckbeak
Buckbeak: Bawk? Neigh?
Sirius: And my mother thought Remus was sodomy...
The End.
Oh god.
People of the world, if I could kill myself, I would.
But I can't.
So I am doomed to lie here for eternity, staring at the ceiling, dreaming impossible dreams.
Lily and James have tried so hard to cheer me up. To give me a reason to take an interest in life, or Afterlife, again.
They have failed.
Goodbye, people of the world. Perhaps one day I will simply fade away and become a wispy cloud in your peaceful cerulean sky.
Clouds are immaterial, with no flesh to covet and no hearts to break.
I would be happy as a cloud.
Until then, I am bound to this cruel place.
Forever alone.
Alone.
Alone.
If you see Moony, tell him I will always love him.
Even when I am just a cluster of tiny water droplets floating in the gentle breeze.
Thank you.
-Sirius Orion Black (S.O.B.)
Fin.
A/N: o.0 Melodramatic much, Sirius?
Lol, you can interpret that as either a genuine angst or a parody of angst...as long as Remus feels REALLY GUILTY now, I don't care.
Humph. Who does he think he is anyway, running off with a WOMAN half his age? A WOMAN!
What a looooo-ser...
(Actually I like Remus/Tonks, but more as a POSSIBILITY, not as CANON.)
Humph.