Here's Your Letter (2/4)

A tear of regret drifted down Youji's face and splashed into his coffee. The cigarette he had lit a few minutes ago was practically burned out seeing as it was just sitting in the astray, not being smoked.

He stared at the two-page letter in front of him. Scribbly handwriting covered each line, each side. The man rubbed a spot on the paper that was obviously put there by a droplet of water, or rather he knew, a tear.

The handwriting was so unlike Omi. Omi normally wrote neatly and small, so anyone could read it. This letter was written hastily and with emotion, Youji knew.

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone

Omi had been only been coming home to the apartment late at night; near twelve or one. He always left around six or seven the next morning. This had been going on for a week, and it hurt Youji terribly to know that the boy he loved so dearly was avoiding him. He also knew, however, that he deserved to be hurt.

Hear your voice in the
Dark lose myself in
Your eyes choke my
Voice say goodnight as
The world falls apart

He had no good reason for cheating on Omi; there was never a good reason to cheat. He just wished, more than anything, that Omi wouldn't have walked in. It had been a one time thing. Youji had never cheated on Omi before and never planned to again. He knew that that train of thought was wrong too.

All's he could think about were the ways thatOmi laughed and smiled. The way that Omi's arms felt around him as the boy clung to him. He wanted nothing more than to able to take Omi in his arms, kiss him and cuddle him and say sorry forever.

The letter Omi had written him made him break down each time he re-read it. The last lines were the hardest to take.

"Here's a letter for you, but the words get confused and the conversation dies. I thought forever was really forever...now I know it's just a year. I want you to know I loved you for the entire time we were together. I never would've thought to cheat on you. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I could never live with myself if I caused someone the pain I'm feeling now.

I feel like I could die. My heart is dead. My soul is dead. I feel like my lifeis over.I just...wanted you to know that. Just wanted to let you know how bad you hurt me.

I don't know if I can ever say 'forever' with anyone again."

-Omi

Youji felt like slamming his head into a brick wall over and over and over again. He just...wanted to jump into a time machine and reverse everything that had happened. If he could make all of the shit he had done to hurt Omi go away, then he and Omi would be cuddling on the couch.

Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it
Back are we cursed
To this life

Youji slammed his fist down on the table, causing his coffee mug to tremble. The man glared at the face of his watch. It was already 12:30; Omi should be home at any time. He had turned all but the small light over the kitchen counter off. He didn't want Omi to run away from him: he needed to talk to him. He just wanted to apologize. Not that he thought it would do any good, however, he could try. He just didn't want the other boy to die inside.

About five minutes later, Youji heard soft footsteps walking up the stairs. He crept around to the living room and hid behind the wall, just beside the door. He needed to talk to Omi. He just had to.

------------------------------------------

Omi sighed. He was very tired and just wanted to curl up in his bed. He hated saying his bed. Not even a week ago he had shared a bed with Youji. So much for that.

The boy tried to be as quite as possible. He didn't want to wake up anyone: especially Youji.

The wooden door to the apartment creaked a tiny bit as he opened in. He slipped in, feeling as though he was unnoticed and alone.

With a heavy head, Omi sulked towards his room. He almost screamed in fright when Youji was suddenly in front of him.

"Please talk to me! Please don't go away! Please!" Youji begged, falling down onto his knees in front of Omi.

"I believe I've told you everything I had to say," Omi muttered, glaring at his ex-lover.

"Omi, please! I hate myself, but I don't want you to hate yourself. I know you won't take me back…I just…I just want you to be okay," Youji said, looking up at the boy he still loved with teary eyes.

"I'll be fine, Youji. Just as soon as you leave me alone," Omi growled, walking past Youji.

Youji, however, grabbed Omi's leg and pulled him towards him, not allowing him to walk any further.

"Youji, let go of me!" Omi growled at the other man.

Youji suddenly shot up from the floor and pressed Omi against the wall with his arms and body weight. He pressed his lips onto Omi's.

For a sheer moment, Omi felt ecstasy once again. He wanted Youji so bad. He needed him. He wanted to be in his arms. He gently pushed his lips against the slightly moist ones that were on his. When he felt Youji's hand at his torso and Youji's tongue attempting to push its way through his lips, Omi tried to fight back.

Youji stopped what he was doing, but still held the other boy against the wall. A look of shame covered his face.

"I don't want this, Youji," Omi muttered, tears falling from his eyes.

"If you don't want it, then why are you crying?" Youji questioned, feeling tears at the corners of his eyes. He stroked Omi's cheek softly.

"You know I fucking want it, Youji!" Omi screamed, no longer caring if he woke Aya or Ken up. "But I can't let myself do this again. I refuse to get hurt by you again! You don't even know how much this hurts! My soul feels likes it's breaking apart!"

Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go

Youji felt a tear slide down his face. He pressed his body closer to Omi's.

"We can make it better, Baby. Please. Please! Give me another chance," Youji begged.

"Let me go," Omi said angrily, pushing the other boy away.

"Omi, please-"

"I said, LET ME GO!" Omi yelled.

Neither boy noticed the flicker of the hall light come on. Omibarely escaped Youji's grip, whilst Youji leaned onto the wall.

Ken watched in curiosity as Omi ran into his room, tears falling from his face. He peered out at a sobbing Youji. After a few moments of pondering, Ken gently opened Omi's door and walked into the darkness to hear the heartbreaking sobbing of the boy.

------------------------------

Omi glared at the door, thinking it was Youji. His expression, however, softened when he realized that it was Ken.

"Omi?" Ken questioned, gently.

"I really appreciate that you wanna help, Ken…but, I want to be alone."

Ken, however, did not want to leave Omi alone. Instead, he turned on the red table lamp that was on the nightstand beside Omi's bed. Omi was curled up in his big black comforter and sheets, his eyes all red and puffy.

"Ken, please-"

"I'm not leaving," Ken said firmly, sitting down beside Omi. "You need to talk to someone, Omi. How you've been going about life lately….it's just, killing you slowly."

No word of response came from Omi: he simply pulled the covers up over his head, hoping that Ken wouldn't hear the sobs that wrenched from his heart.

"You can't do this to yourself, Omi…" Ken trailed off. "You're falling apart."

Omi turned over under the covers, facing the wall instead of Ken.

Ken sighed, wishing with everything that he was that the boy beside him would let his sadness out, and a friend in.

The older boy stood, knowing that Omi wouldn't talk to him.

He turned the lamp off and proceeded toward the door. Before he left the room, however, he turned back and looked toward the curled up Omi.

I won't let you fall apart, Omi…not in a million years.

Ken closed the door softly, hearing Omi let out one last sob. He ran his hand through his dark brown hair, sighing. He noticed that Youji's door was closed. Light, however, poked out from under the door, illustrating the fact that Youji was still awake. Ken couldn't understand why Youji cheated on Omi. The two…they just seemed so happy. They were always cuddling, laughing, smiling…nothing seemed to be wrong. Maybe Youji just wanted a fling; he wanted to feel what it was like to fuck random people. If that was the case, Youji wasn't the person Ken had thought he was.

Ken really thought that Omi has changed Youji. He thought that sweet boy had been able to reverse Youji's years of screwing any whore that came his way. Maybe Youji had been doing this kind of shit the whole time.

Ken then realized that Omi must be thinking things like that. The kid had to thinking the most awful things. What's even worse is that Omi was probably blaming everything on himself.

Whatever Omi was thinking and whatever Youji had done, Ken knew one thing: he wasn't going to let Omi suffer anymore. He had a responsibility as Omi's friend to save the boy from falling anymore. Ken wasn't going to just sit back and watch Omi fall so far down that he couldn't get back up.

-------------

Youji squeezed his empty pack of cigarettes. His astray was full. His coffee was empty; however, he didn't have enough energy to get up and get more.

"Time to go to the hard stuff…"he grumbled, pulling his bottle of Southern Comfort off the nightstand.

He hadn't wanted to resort to the means of alcohol. He couldn't sleep, however.

"Guess I'll just drink 'till I pass out," he said aloud, removing the cap and taking a big swig.

He hated himself. He hated the fact that he knew he didn't deserve a second chance.

Fifteen minutes later, the bottle was nearly half empty. Youji's eyesight was starting to go blurry. He fumbled around for the cap. After he had found it on the nightstand, he practically slammed the bottle onto the nightstand.

He then fell into sleep, falling into a world where Omi was still in his arms, and his dreams were alive again.

-tbc-