Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.
Part One: Eternally Asking Why
Chapter Four: Desensitization
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It's not working. Why isn't it working anymore? Why?
The need has been building up in me for days now, possibly the longest amount of time for me to go without cutting myself in ages. And now that I have finally found my razorblade once again, it—won't—work!
Frustration fills my throat and I bite back the urge to cry out or do something destructive, not to myself but to the things that surround me in the bathroom.
What is it? I wonder as the blade sweeps across my skin time and time again, over and over until my bared arm is a mess. I start on the other one, hoping that it will work this time as I make slow, deliberate cuts that trace deep, as well as more superficial cuts that do nothing more than sting but do nothing to satisfy this seemingly insatiable craving.
I am not trying to kill myself. I'm not trying to kill myself. I am not! No matter what anyone says about people like me, I am not trying to kill myself. I am not—not—not.
So why, pray tell, are you slashing yourself up?
I hate that inner voice. I wish it would just shut up or die or something, just—just stop taunting me.
Why won't it work?
Frustration keeps bubbling up inside me, wanting to be manifested in so many ways. It wants me to throw something across the room, to scream, to sob until my eyes ache.
I keep cutting until, finally, I give up.
It doesn't work anymore.
The thought echoes hollowly through my mind, leering at me and making me feel sick to my stomach. The reality of it all hits me and the frustration drains away, quickly replaced by weariness and something else, something that seems so much like defeat. But I can't be so easily defeated, not by something this stupid. Maybe if I wait a day and sleep on it, it will work. Maybe, I will feel that wonderful pain coursing through my veins and I'll feel better. But maybe, I'm lying to myself because I want it to be true.
It doesn't work.
Is it for the best?
I place the razorblade carefully in the sink before pressing my back into the wall. Slowly, I slide down to sit on the cool white tile.
Is it for the best?
I don't know, I decide as I stare at my bloodstained forearms. I really don't know. Maybe it is. Maybe I've grown too accustomed to my self-destructive addiction. Maybe I should stop being so selfish. Maybe I should stop thinking about myself and my pain. Maybe I should think of my friends and my mother and all of those other people in my life. Maybe.
What am I going to do now?
Why am I such a mess? Why couldn't I have just been satisfied with the way that I was and the way that my life was?
Why can't things simply go back to the way they were? Why is it too late to turn back?
Because this is the way things are, the inner voice says to me.
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Author's Space
Okay. Currently, I'm writing up the third part of this wonderful work of fiction (though proofreading sucks). Though I hate giving away even the tiniest of hints beyond the title of the next chapter, I have a rather big question to pose before you: How old is Kurama's stepbrother? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's okay, half of the time I don't know what I'm talking about, either.
•Written while listening to Way Away by Yellowcard and Numb by Linkin Park.
•Desensitization—a method used by Andy Warhol in his silkscreens. The viewer becomes so accustomed to the picture, that by the time they reach the final image, any/all feelings that they had about the original are now gone.
•Next Chapter: Chapter Five: Watch Me Die—and no, people it's not the final chapter. There's a lot more, believe it or not.
What do you think about it? Tell me. I don't care how—whether critique or flame. And I'm looking for staff for my C2, so if you're interested, or just want details, tell me, okay?
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Warmest Thank You-s (Ch 3 and 4)
KaraKuramaKyoka: I can relate to it, too. I suppose that's the reason why the words seem to flow so well from my brain to my fingers.
sakurasango: You consistently leave reviews for me on just about every story I've written so far—So I've gotta say thanks so much for all your support.
Shadow In Darkness: Sick? No, definitely not. I, too, have fallen in love with angst stories because, yes, they carry much more depth than any other fanfiction.
samuraiduck27
Kuranga108: As I said, that was the reason why I chose Shizuru—she would keep his secret for a while longer. Yes, I agree that Shizuru should have told, but it wouldn't be very in-character for her.
Lady Shiriana
Kurama's Angel: Thank you very much—I'm particularly picky at how I word things, and I'm glad it didn't go unnoticed.
Kodaijin Hiei
Questions
Question: …But why does your Kurama cut? More over than simple depression… was there a cause? (Kodaijin Hiei)
Answer: There are three reasons, actually. At first he cut out of curiosity, and to see if the rumors about cutting were true, though it became addictive. Also, Kurama's depression isn't simple—it's deep and complex. It's the type of thing where you're not sure what you're feeling so depressed and angry over, but you just are. It's hard to deal with, and unless you have an escape, the feeling makes you irritable, self-destructive, and so miserable that sometimes, you wish you would never move again. The third reason is confidential, unfortunately, because it's a part of the future plot.